10 Fun (Non-Statistical) Facts About The Latest Jobs Report

The seal of the United States Department of Labor

The seal of the United States Department of Labor is hiding the real stories…

According to the latest report from the US Department of Labor, the American economy added 115,000 jobs last month, and over 300,000 people have dropped out of the labor force, bringing the unemployment rate to 8.1%.  (As MSNBC would say, the unemployment rate dropped from the high of 10% to 8.1%, or according to Fox News, it went up to 8.1% from 6.5% when Obama was elected).  While these jobs reports are extremely important indicators of the state of the economy, they never talk about the actual people who lost or found a job during the month.  So here are 10 deeper facts about the jobs lost and added that were invisible in the dry statistical data of the report.

1)  9 jobs lost:  Secret Service agents involved in the Colombian prostitution scandal.  However, not reflected in the report were 10 Colombian prostitutes who have also lost their jobs because of the outrage in their home country that the prostitutes would disgrace themselves so much by offering their services to those evil and stupid Americans.

2)  500 jobs added:  Senior level officers to chaperone the Secret Service agents from now on and prevent them from attending any “disreputable” establishments such as brothels and strip clubs.  Since Congress has a lower approval rating than most brothels, the agents also won’t be able to accompany the President to Congress.

3)  155 job lost:  Newt Gingrich as a presidential contender, plus 154 people hired by Gingrich to tell him daily that he is a serious presidential contender.

4)  1 job added:  Newt Gingrich has hired himself as a lunar colony president.

5)  3 jobs added:  Now that Rick Santorum has ended his campaign and no longer has to keep an appearance of a down-to-earth guy, he had hired 3 tailors to sew the sleeves back onto his famous sleeveless sweater vests.

6)  1 job added:  Richard Grenell, an openly gay foreign policy adviser for Mitt Romney‘s campaign.  Was hired by the campaign to improve Romney’s image among the gay community, and also to explain to Mitt Romney why killing bin Laden had been a better choice than Mitt’s alternative suggestion of a managed bankruptcy of al Qaeda.

7)  1 job lost:  Richard Grenell, an openly gay foreign adviser for Mitt Romney’s campaign.  Apparently, the Republican party was concerned that instead of bringing Mitt up to speed on foreign agenda, Grenell, being gay, would implant Mitt with foreign gay agenda.

8) 1 job threatened:  A British committee investigating the phone hacking scandal ruled that Rupert Murdoch is unfit to run a major international corporation.  The committee cited multiple reasons, including his lack of control or complicity during the phone hacking, his old age, and his ownership of Fox News Corporation.  And again, not reflected in the report were the 12 jobs lost by British investigating committee members after a short phone call made by Mr. Murdoch, showing that Rupert Murdoch is still perfectly capable of running a major international corporation.

9)  15 jobs added: News analysts hired by Fox News in order to read all Barack Obama’s books to find out which other lovable animals he might have eaten in Indonesia, and then to figure out how to turn that fact into a major issue in the election.

10)  15 jobs lost: News analysts laid off by Daily Show because they have now compiled a complete library of video clips showing Mitt Romney speaking in favor and in opposition on every possible issue.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Also blogging at listofx.wordpress.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to 10 Fun (Non-Statistical) Facts About The Latest Jobs Report

  1. mcnorman says:

    I don’t know X. Newt in tight space suit fashion is a bit much for my eyes if you know what I mean. LOL

    • List of X says:

      Yes, the space suit is going to look like Spandex on Newt, but it may look better from a distance. And I think the distance of 240,000 miles from the Earth to the Moon should work.

  2. freddyflow says:

    1 job lost: I’m quitting my blog, since I can’t match the output or wit of posts like this.

  3. chancedagger says:

    Damned nice post. Would steal it if I thought I could get away with it.

    • List of X says:

      Thank you! It would be kind of hard to get away with it now that you’ve made you intention clear… unless you keep another blog which I’m not aware of :)

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