A Somali terrorist organization al-Shabaab has just offered a bounty of ten camels for Barack Obama, and two camels for Hillary Clinton. Here are 10 reactions to the al-Shabaab’s bounty offer:
1) Eric Holder, Attorney General: The Department of Justice has opened an investigation into the leaks of the classified information from the White House. Following al-Shabaab’s example, we will also offer a reward of 10 camels for information that will allow us to identify the source of the leaks.
2) Mitt Romney: The failed economic policies of Barack Obama have caused the middle class worldwide to sink so deep into poverty, that they can only afford to offer ten camels as bounty.
3) Barbara Mikulski, US Senator (D): Because GOP had blocked the Paycheck Fairness Act this week, not only the the American women will continue to be demeaned by salaries that are just 77% of men’s salaries, but also the bounties on women’s heads will continue be only 20% of the bounty on the men’s heads.
4) David and Charles Koch: We pledge to double the offer of the God-fearing members of this honorable Somalian grassroots organization. Of course, as long these people aren’t unionized, otherwise the deal’s off.
5) US Surgeon General: Smoking Camels, just as any other tobacco product, is bad for you. But whatever al-Shabaab are smoking can be even more dangerous to their health, since it may lead to a severe drone attack.
6) David Axelrod, Obama re-election campaign adviser: Mister President, as I am sure you realize, this bounty offer is ridiculous. However, if al-Shabaab could also throw in a promise to lower the unemployment rate to at least 7.5%, then we should take their offer since it would really improve your re-election chances.
7) John Pistole, head of the TSA: Based on the classified information about an extremely credible terrorist threat originating from Somalia, the TSA will now be randomly screening airline passengers to identify and question anyone who tries to secretly smuggle 10 camels onto an airplane.
8) TSA screeners in all US airports, one hour later: If you are carrying a pack of cigarettes, remove all the cigarettes from the pack and put each cigarette in a separate zip-top quart-size clear plastic bag.
9) Mitch McConnell, GOP Senate leader. I know I have said that we want to make Obama a one term president, but this is a much better suggestion. Why haven’t we thought of that first?
10) Paul Ryan, GOP Congressman: What do you mean we haven’t??? I sure have, and it’s right here, in my budget plan, between cutting Social Security and reinstating child slavery!