10 Facebook Status Updates You Can Use To Identify A Sex Offender

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Better not venture out here alone at night.

Last month, the State of Louisiana had passed a law that requires sex offenders to post an identifying status on Facebook, Google+ and other social networks.   Now, not only “registered sex offender” will mean “registered with Facebook”, but this law has finally given a purpose to reading other people’s Facebook statuses.  So here are 10 of Facebook statuses you can use to identify a sex offender.

1.  (username) and Jerry Sandusky are now friends.

2.  “Starting tomorrow at the new job as a TSA pat-down agent! Very excited!”

3.  “I used to love Justin Bieber so much more a few years ago.  But not anymore now that he got old, and I’ve also just found out he’s a singer and his songs really suck.”

4.  “Yay! Just got acquitted on 3 out of the 48 sex abuse counts!! That should shut the haters up!”

5.  “Does anybody have an apartment for rent 3001 feet away from the school?”

6.  “What the country urgently needs is more laws regulating women’s reproductive organs.  The laws we have just aren’t enough, and there aren’t enough pictures in these laws, too.”

7.  “It’s so great to see all of my Facebook friends constantly posting pictures of their kids!  I can’t wait for more!”

8.  (username) changed his relationship status from Single to Double Cell.

9.  “Does anyone know if Catholic church is hiring new priests?”

10.  “Welcome to Bill Clinton’s Facebook page!”

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Also blogging at listofx.wordpress.com
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12 Responses to 10 Facebook Status Updates You Can Use To Identify A Sex Offender

  1. mcnorman says:

    Thank you, but honestly you should forewarn about drinking and reading.

  2. Sherry says:

    lol…a shamefully funny list.

  3. Ape No. 1 says:

    You are going straight to hell X. I’ll meet you there with beer in hand :)

    • List of X says:

      What, do you have your own sex-offender humor post you will be going to hell for? Anyway, I doubt we’ll be able to enjoy boiling-hot beer, cause it’s supposed to be hot as hell in hell, after all.

  4. This plan should solve the problem. Well done, Louisiana. Well done.

    “Hm, this 47-year-old man says he loves me and wants to take me out for ice cream after I get out of school. Nothing weird there. WAIT A SECOND! He’s a sex offender??!!”

    • List of X says:

      One problem with that genius plan is that Facebook officially does not allow sex offenders to sign up. Except that it probably deters sex offenders no better that this Louisiana law.

  5. HoaiPhai says:

    #3 reminds me of teasing someone I know about liking the Olsen Twins (the part that made the teasing especially effective was that there was no evidence that he ever liked them in the first place) until they turned 18.

    • List of X says:

      The novelty of Olsen twins worn off long before they turned 18. At least Bieber keeps releasing new crappy songs all the time.

      • HoaiPhai says:

        Oh, Bieber sings? I thought he was just another one of that new breed of celebrity abusers of the opposite sex, paparazzi, and substances and whose job seems to be to show a lot of skin, to attempt to reproduce, and to keep the tabloids’ columns freshly stocked… you know, like the Kardashians.

        • List of X says:

          Bieber makes noises into the Autotune machine, which then come out as songs. It’s just a matter of time before Kardashians discover that they could do the same.

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