10 Promises In Mitt Romney’s Election Platform

Mitt Romney Steve Pearce event 068

Mitt Romney looking concerned for the very poor (those who make less than $200,000 and other lazy bums and welfare queens) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the last few days Mitt Romney has been taking a beating from the media on his comments about Libya, Egypt, and “the 47 percent”. In order to save his campaign after a series of setbacks, he would have to reinvent himself as a candidate. And the best way for Mitt Romney to reposition himself as a leader would be to finally unveil his full election program, instead of the “Obama has failed” short version he is running on now.  So here are 10 promises in Mitt Romney’s full election platform.

1)  Mitt Romney will lower taxes on all Americans. Instead, the Americans will be required to pay government management fees.

2)  Mitt Romney will expand the safety nets for the poor. To be more specific, he will expand the safety net so that the holes in the net become much bigger.

3)  Mitt Romney will make it easier for American students to pay for college education. Because Mitt Romney himself had to deal with the high cost of college and had to sell some of his stocks to pay tuition, he will remove all capital gains taxes on all stock sales.

4)  Mitt Romney will continue the popular policy of his predecessor of blaming his predecessor for the current economic problems.

5)  In contrast to Barack Obama’s statement that Egypt is neither an ally nor an enemy, Mitt Romney has a well-defined position stating that Egypt is both an ally and an enemy.

6)  Mitt Romney promises that he will not flip-flop any longer. He will use the expression “my views have evolved” from now on.

7)  Mitt Romney will no longer apologize for America. If ever in the future Mitt Romney’s administration is questioned about an incident that America isn’t particularly proud of, such as Abu Ghraib, slavery, or Hiroshima, Mitt Romney will respond that America does not recall such an incident.

8)  Mitt Romney will reform the entitlement system, so that only those deserving the entitlements would receive them, and not those 47% lazy moochers and welfare queens who pay zero income tax.

9)  To solve the illegal immigration crisis, Mitt Romney will encourage all illegal aliens to self-deport. Mitt Romney will attain that goal by running the USA in such a way that no immigrant would ever want to live here.

10)  Finally, Mitt Romney promises that if he is elected, American economy will begin adding 1,000,000 jobs a month, unemployment will drop to -0.001%, and pigs will fly.

Please support Mitt Romney presidential campaign by purchasing a “Romney/Ryan 2012″ yacht or airplane bumper sticker! We also accept donations of large sacks of money containing unmarked non-sequentially numbered banknotes!

 

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Also blogging at listofx.wordpress.com
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12 Responses to 10 Promises In Mitt Romney’s Election Platform

  1. Ape No. 1 says:

    Haha! Loved the safety nets. Mitt appears to be playing the role of Mr Wilkinson as faux Slugworth to Obama’s role of Willy Wonka. Seems too ridiculous to be true.

  2. Sherry says:

    Frankly, I don’t see the humor. All this is true isn’t it? *Smirk*

  3. Nicely done. Among my favorites is number 5. “Mitt Romney has a well-defined position stating that Egypt is both an ally and an enemy.” I can just see him saying that with a straight face…

  4. Matthew says:

    Thanks for your sharp humor, as always! Also good to be reminded that Romney is still supposedly running a campaign.

  5. jmac says:

    Why do you always think there is an underlying sinister plot to help only rich people get richer? When the economy is working well EVERYBODY is better off! Which would you rather be: A lower income person with a job or a lower income person without a job?

    • List of X says:

      jmac, everyone – rich, poor, and middle class are all trying to get richer. But unlike the poor or middle class, rich people have more resources at their disposal, such as lobbying, outsourcing, tax havens, that help them get richer much quicker than anyone else. It’s not quite a sinister plot, it’s more like a law of nature.
      When the economy is working, everyone is better off – true. But if you allow this law of nature work its magic and concentrate all the wealth at the top, the economy will stop working because the non-rich will stop buying any goods or services except for the bare minimum needed to survive. Of course, total wealth equality is not good thing either, but there is a range somewhere between total inequality and total equality where the economy would work best.
      And why would I want to be a lower income person with or without a job? Did you mean higher income with a job vs. lower income without a job? If so, I have a full-time job so I think that answers your question.

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