10 Reasons Why Russia Is Invading Ukraine

Vladimir Putin has responded to journalist question with "What invasion? I don't hear anybody complaining about any invasion. Now please allow me to defend these cardboard targets."

Vladimir Putin has responded to journalists’ questions about the invasion with “What invasion? I don’t hear anybody complaining about any invasion. Now go away, I’m busy protecting these cardboard targets.”

After recent protests in Ukraine ousted pro-Russian president Viktor Yanukovych, Russian parliament voted to give Russian president Vladimir Putin the authority to use military force to protect ethnic Russians in Crimea peninsula and Eastern Ukraine. As of Sunday, armed Russian-speaking people in unmarked military uniforms have been running around Crimea, surrounding Ukrainian military bases and demanding their surrender, setting up checkpoints, seizing Crimean parliament, while Ukraine has declared a mobilization of its troops – so, apparently, ethnic Russians in Crimea must now be feeling more protected than they ever have. Although Russia hasn’t actually declared a war, or admitted that it has de-facto invaded Ukraine, there’s a very short list of countries with Russian-speaking militaries. Here are 10 reasons why Russia is invading Ukraine.

1) Vladimir Putin is sending Russian military into Ukraine in order to prevent the violence that would be caused by the Russian military’s arrival into Ukraine.

2) Ukrainian flag is yellow and blue, Ukrainians had an Orange revolution – and if Russia doesn’t put an end to this color-adding tendency, it could turn into a full-scale rainbow gay propaganda.

3) Still giddy from Russia’s winning 2014 Sochi Olympics’ medal count, Vladimir Putin is hoping to pad the medal count even more by taking over Ukraine with its two Olympic medals.

4) Russia has found undeniable proof that there are weapons of mass destructions located on Crimea peninsula, specifically on the Russian military base in Sevastopol.

5) Vladimir Putin felt bad for Sarah Palin, who is still being mercilessly mocked for her 2008 Vice Presidential run, and decided to make her 2008 prediction that Russia would invade Ukraine come true, so that she’d finally get to be right for once.

6) This intervention is just another manifestation of Vladimir Putin’s severe mid-life crisis: he got divorced, started dating gymnasts and walking around without a shirt on, and it all began when Vladimir realized that, being the president of Russia, he has already peaked and everything will go downhill from there.

7) If Tea Party ever gets their wish and deposes Barack Obama, Putin wants to be prepared to annex the historically Russian territories of Alaska and Northern California. (That would also make everyone stop joking about Palin’s seeing Russia from her house.)

8) Vladimir Putin was very upset that Barack Obama hasn’t been returning his phone calls.

9) Putin is hoping that after Russia invades Ukraine and restores Yanukovych to power, Ukraine would return the favor and invade Russia, in case Putin has trouble with protesters in Moscow.

10) And the last and most important reason: Mother Russia doesn’t need any reasons to invade anybody.

(Русский перевод тут)

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Also blogging at listofx.wordpress.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

93 Responses to 10 Reasons Why Russia Is Invading Ukraine

  1. Alan Brech says:

    Are you dropping some your “the’s” to sound like a Russian speaking English? (Pretty subtle, if you are) E.g. Item 1: first mention of “Russian military” has no “the” in front of it, but the next reference does; also, Item 4 “Crimea peninsula” and Item 7 “tea party” both lack “the’s” and sound vaguely slavic/non-native English speaker.

    My second point: more economy of language = mo’ better funnies. So Item 3, for instance, IMHO, s/b: “Not content with winning the most medals in Sochi, Putin wants to grab the two that Ukraine won.” That’s 18 words, or eleven less than in your version. (Yes, I know, it’s much easier to edit creative writing than to generate it, and it’s very difficult to edit your own stuff.)

    Third point: I hate Putin but the Crimea belongs to Russia–Krushchev, a Ukrainian, transferred it away from Russia in the 50′s. Those Ukrainians and our own Dr. Strangeglove’s (John McCain, etc.) who talk about WAR based on Russia retaking Crimea are dangerously wrong.

    Also, the Crimea is full of ethnic minorities, including some radical Muslim Tartars. As the Egyptians presciently said of Israel and the Gaza Strip back in the 60′s or 70′s: Let them choke on it!

    My fav’s: 2,3,5,7, and esp. 10. This time, I really like your number 10, and it’s a good way to conclude the piece, although I would have condensed it: “Putin doesn’t need a reason to invade anybody.” (We know it’s last, no need to mention it, and by saying ‘Putin’ instead of Russia or Mother Russia you discriminate–in a good way–between Russians and their douche-bag dictator.)

    • List of X says:

      I’m not dropping “the’s” because I’m trying to sound like a Russian speaking English.  I am a Russian speaking English.  So, in fact, I know more about Crimea’s history than about correct placement of “the’s”. And yes, I knew that Soviet Union transferred Crimea from Russian republic to Ukraine republic – but because it was within the same centralized country which no one expected to break up, few people cared then. I know that Crimea is a region with a 60% Russian majority, but in 1991 the same region, along with every other part of the republic, voted for Ukrainian independence. So I would say Crimea doesn’t belong to Russia anymore. And, of course, Russia is just one of the countries that has territorial claims for the peninsula: at one point or another, it was settled by Greeks, Italians (Romans and Genoans), Turks, Mongols, Bulgarians, Tatars, and Neanderthals. And that doesn’t include brief occupations by Germans, French, and British.

      I agree with you on shorter = funnier in general, and this is another reason why I’m dropping “the’s”. But sometimes the bare-bones joke just isn’t interesting enough, and needs to be dressed up – and the question of right balance is very subjective. Your shortened version is probably better than mine, but would you really say that a 10-word version “Putin wants to add two Ukrainian medals to Russia’s count” is really better just because it’s shorter? 

      I’m very used to other people editing my jokes, so if you’d like to be my official editor, I can just offer you the position. Unfortunately, it comes with no salary or benefits, and your only reward would be the knowledge that my jokes are short and “the’s” are plentiful.

      • Alan Brech says:

        Crimea voted separately–separate from Ukraine–in 1991? Nyet! Their vote was drowned out by being included with the rest of Ukraine-as-configured-by-Khrushchev.
        However, at the end of this month, c. March 31st, they will vote on whether they want to be part of Ukraine. How do you think that vote will go? Will you support their right to self-determination if they opt out?
        Anticipating your response, even if the election were 100% un-rigged and monitored by Jimmy Carter and the UN it would still vote for independence from Ukraine.

        • List of X says:

          There are vote counts available for every Ukrainian region (oblast), with Crimea having the lowest vote for Ukrainian independence, at 55% or so for it, compared to 80% on average for the entire republic. Now, if Crimea has another referendum this month and it votes to join Russia, I will also support their decision, too. I just don’t think that having a Russian army on the streets of Simferopol is the best way to nudge Crimeans into joining the Russian Federation.

          • Alan Brech says:

            Good, then we agree on something!
            Except the 1991 Crimean vote was 54% not 55% acc. to the book “Nationalist Mobilization and the Collapse of the Soviet State” by Door Mark R. Beissinger (Cambridge University Press). Bessinger goes on to explain that those opinion numbers were specific to the lousy economic conditions in Russia in 1991, the “bandwagon” of other independence votes in other regions, etc., and that very soon thereafter, public opinion polls swung wildly in the other direction.
            And as far as “nudging Crimeans” goes: as soon as the democratically elected gov’t of Ukraine was overthrown (in violation of the days-old agreement worked out with the help of Germany), the new Ukrainian gov’t rescinded a law that protects the Russian language and culture of those Crimeans who practice it. Not good–much more alienating and frightening to Russian Crimeans than Russan soldiers.

            • List of X says:

              Yes, 54%, not 55%, we took the data from the same Wikipedia article, I just didn’t have the number handy when I left the comment.
              It’s very possible that the opinion swung back quickly, and very possible that Crimeans will vote to join with Russia. What I don’t know if Ukrainian constitution allows them to secede based on the results of a referendum, but I don’t think the fact that Ukraine currently has no legitimately elected government cancels the Constitution.
              And did you know that if we look at the agreements dating back to 18th century, Turkey has a legitimate claim to Crimea if it votes for independence: http://english.alarabiya.net/en/views/news/world/2014/03/01/Turkey-caught-in-the-Russia-Crimea-snowstorm.html

      • Alan Brech says:

        Last thing, then I’m done here (and it’s not about Crimea!):

        On my blog you criticized the abundance of “bland comments” on WordPress. Reading that, I figured you’d be open to some honest, constructive criticism, so I gave you some. And I couched my criticism in ABUNDANT praise for your most recent post. After all, I wouldn’t bother giving CONSTRUCTIVE criticism if I thought your blog was a hopeless piece of garbage.

        But judging by the tone and content of your reply, I guess you don’t want incisive comments or constructive criticism. I guess you prefer the bland after all, your statement on my blog notwithstanding.

        And with WordPress, you’ll get plenty of it. But not from me. I don’t do bland.

        удача!

        • List of X says:

          Just a quick note, your comments are welcome, and you don’t have to stop leaving them. I welcome constructive and incisive comments (and prefer them to “great post”), but, since I’m at work and will be until very late, it will take me a while to respond to all of them – especially because I think longer constructive comments merit a long constructive response.
          Also, incisive comments usually get the same treatment from me, so don’t take it
          personally. :) If you want me to respond to you 100% seriously, I can try.
          Just please don’t think I’m ignoring you or dismissing you, because I’m not.
          P.S. since it appears I’ve touched some nerve with you – are you Russian or
          Ukrainian, by any chance?
          P.P.S. I tried to e-mail you at the AOL address tied to your comments, but it didn’t go through.

          • Alan Brech says:

            Conciliatory admission: I was actually not so abundant in my praise. Shoot, I didn’t even hit the “like” button–not used to doing so, being a grump. Not a troll, hopefully, but def. grumpy about creative writing.

            Second, don’t screw up your job just to read this BS! Of course, if you’re employed writing comedy or something, that’s different.

            So why did I think your response was overly harsh to my attempt at constructive criticism?

            1. I had no idea you were a Russian speaker, but your response seemed to imply that I was making fun of your ethnicity. If I knew you were Yacov Smirnov, for instance, I wouldn’t have said anything. My attempted constructive criticism was that IF you were trying to make a joke by “writing with an accent,” it was perhaps TOO subtle. That’s all I meant.

            2. Your next comments re: I know all about Russian/Crimean history seemed to imply that I was “burdening the record” with obvious factoids, when in fact, some/much of those comments were directed to Rutabaker, who admitted she didn’t know that, and to the general American public reading your blog, who know virtually nothing and don’t get these important historical details through the news media. Your comments sounded to me like “Yeah yeah yeah, of course I know all this stuff, don’t bother me.”

            3. The harshest-sounding thing, to me, was your response about economy of language–it seemed to me like you resorted to an unfair reductio ad aburdum.

            4. Another harsh-sounding response was your reply to Bumblepuppies–I was DEFENDING your construction of the joke AGAINST his criticism but you swoop in and support him over me! wtf man… Animus was the only logical explanation I could come up with.

            5. “I’m very used to other people editing my jokes” etc. sounded like — “Hey, I’m a comedy pro, I don’t need your amateur peanut-gallery trolling.” Or maybe: “I know comedy editing–comedy editing is a friend of mine–and senator, that is not comedy editing.” (a ref. to Lloyd Benson vs. Dan Quayle debate 1988).

            Lastly, I’m not Russian or Slavic, although once, c. 1988, while working at Harper & Row Publishers in NYC, an elderly lady came up and asked me if I was Russian. I said “Why, is my suit that badly cut?” (This was the ’80s–now they have more billionaires than we do!)

            I’m sore–nay, pissed–about these war-drums and this “Obama is a wimp” stuff and about the fact that very important historical information re: Crimea is not being presented to the American public. I said I hated Putin and I called him a “douche bag dictator” but I believe you still have a duty to try to see things from his/Russia’s POV: to me, it’s all about SEVASTAPOL, period. Totally understandable!

            Anyway, thanks for clarifying–sorry I overreacted. My email is “aebrech@aol.com.” It works, unless you’ve caught 1pointperspective’s techno-curse. :)

            • List of X says:

              You did say you didn’t think my blog was hopeless garbage, so I think it counts as praise:)
              1) I found it very funny that you thought that I’m trying to mimic a Russian speaker, when I in fact am an actual Russian speaker. No offence was taken. No subtlety was intended, either.
              2) I don’t claim to know everything about Crimean history, all I said that I know more about it than about English grammar, especially compared to an average American.
              3) I did make a joke about dropping “the’s” for brevity’s sake, and I still stand by it – but no offence was intended.
              4) Again, no animus, but since I was not making a reference to an obscure 2008 prediction, but rather to relatively-well covered March 2014 news stories, I disagreed specifically with your opinion that the reference was too obscure to use. (if you do Google search for news stories from past week for “Palin Ukraine Prediction” or “Palin Ukraine Told You So”, you’ll get 5000-6000 news stories for each, including some major outlets). Bumblepuppies made no comment on whether the story was too outdated, so there was no agreement or disagreement between me and him on that point.
              5) was meant to sound like “I am very used to people telling me that my jokes don’t work, or need improvement, or a few extra “the’s”.”. If you’d really like to edit my next post (or posts), I can send it to you.
              About the actual topic at hand, i.e., Crimea, I have a lot of Facebook friends, both Russian and Ukrainian, many of whom post dozens of links biased towards one side or another side of the conflict. The more I read these news, the less I really understand what’s going on. What little I am more or less sure of is that a) current Ukrainian government is not a legitimate government until they hold elections (kicking out a corrupt legitimate government doesn’t give the interim government an iota of legitimacy), and b) Russia has no business being in Crimea or elsewhere in Ukraine (except for their Sevastopol base), whether invited by Crimean authorities, or by self-invitation. Same goes for EU, USA, and everyone else, except the United Nations that were created just for such an occasion.

  2. Alan Brech says:

    I made a typo: I meant “Russia retaking Crimea” not “Ukraine,” as written.. Woops

  3. I don’t think I understood anything the chap above said… Except for the part about 10 being his favourite. It’s mine too.

    I look forward to the condensed version of this post.

    • List of X says:

      Condensed version of my post is #10.
      Short version of Alan’s comment is that Crimean situation is very complicated, and my jokes could use some editing (which I agree with on both counts)

  4. 10 is so true, but I might have cast 5 differently. “Putin wanted to get revenge on the United States so he decided to make us all have to listen to Palin’s cries of “I told you so.”

    • Alan Brech says:

      That only works if the reader remembers or knew that Palin predicted a Russian invasion of Ukraine. I follow the news and had plum forgotten it.

      • There are other ways to remind a reader. And besides, it’s not hard to believe that Putin would maintain knowledge of the best ways to infuriate the US.

      • List of X says:

        I saw several headlines this weekend about Palin gloating that Putin invaded Ukraine just as she predicted. So I wasn’t counting on people remembering that obscure bit of information from 2008, but more on them seeing one of those stories (and even included a link, just to be sure).

    • List of X says:

      That was very devious of Putin. Even I hadn’t thought it through this far.

  5. If you fancy a steaming bowl of kapusniak, you gotta go invade Mykola’s Kafe in Halych.

  6. I love how you worded this. That the Parliament “voted” to give Putin the right to invade. As if there were two choices on the “ballot.”

    I think we’re fucked. This is going to blow-up into something really, really bad. Putin is insane and capable of almost anything.

    Re: Palin. Oh, BROTHER. Just what we need. That idiot thinking she’s a visionary.

    • Alan Brech says:

      “Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings….”

    • List of X says:

      As far as I know, the vote was unanimous. So either Putin trained his parliament really well, or the ballot was worded as “Don’t you agree we should invade Ukraine?”, with answers “Yes, we should invade”/”No, we should invade”.
      Oh, and Palin being right is surely a sign of Apocalypse.

  7. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Love these “excuses” ….. in the tragedy of it all, they almost make sense! Being sarcastic ……

  8. Я уверен, что вы получили номер 10 правильно – Почему не может все просто покинуть Украину в покое? This maybe or not make sense depending on how well Google Translate, well translates.

    • List of X says:

      It made sense to me. But not to Mr. Putin, apparently.

      • He’s confused by the weird X letter on “MO?ET”

      • Alan Brech says:

        Check the history of Crimea– http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crimea –do some mercenary researching! It was never part of Ukraine until Nikita Khrushchev, a Ukrainian, artificially made it part of Ukraine under the USSR (when no one gave crap). Were Ukrainians ever a majority population there? I bloody doubt it!
        And the Kievan Rus state of the Middle Ages, going back 800 years ago, is claimed as the political precursor to many Slavic states, including Belorussia and Russia, not just Ukraine.
        You really think Russia is supposed to allow its only warm-water port to become part of NATO or some quasi-NATO-ish organization under Ukraine? Gimme a break!
        Some interesting fact here also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ukraine
        But don’t let that muffle your war-drums!

        • I was being tongue-in-cheek with List of X – but I’m more concerned about the way the people are being treated, regardless of who actually owns/runs/invades the country.

          I’d do some mercenary researching if you pay me – hence the mercenary part.

          I don’t know enough about the Ukraine history to have a debate at this point.

        • List of X says:

          I should add that Sevastopol isn’t actually the only year-round Russian port. Pretty much all of eastern coast of Black Sea (100+ miles from the port of Novorossiysk to Sochi) is free of ice in winter, although Sevastopol may be the most convenient Russian-controlled natural harbor in the Black Sea.
          Also, Russia has two more year-round ports: Murmansk in the Arctic, and Vladivostok in the Far East (not very impressive for a country this size, but still better than nothing.) And they can always hope for the global warming to create more.

          • Alan Brech says:

            Murmansk and Vladivostok are NOT year round ports. When not frozen solid, which they often are, there are icebergs drifting everywhere, which are unacceptable hazards to shipping.
            Also, a city-by-the-sea does not constitute a port. There’s a big difference such as depth, sedimentation, etc.

  9. Elyse says:

    I’m so glad the rest of the world finally realizes just how smart Sarah Palin is.

  10. I agree with Exile,,this could turn out very, very bad.
    What pisses me off even more is that all of us from all over the world just sunk millions and millions of dollars into this dictator’s government recently during the Olympics.
    Hopefully, he gets the message and withdraws and things quiet down, sadly I don’t think this will happen without blood shed.

    • List of X says:

      I think Russia sunk much more of their own money into their Olympics than any other country ever before – which is less of a testament to their dedication to Olympic spirit, than to their corruption and poor planning.

      And I do hope that Putin doesn’t pursue the invasion: Russia going to war against Ukraine would be just as absurd as Canada going to war against the US.

  11. EagleAye says:

    Love it! I think numbers one and ten are my faves. And now that we know Putin cares so much about how the world views Sarah Palin, is it correct to assume they’re sleeping together?

  12. El Guapo says:

    It’s obvious they are there for the borscht.
    And to give Sarah credibility.

    Oh, what a villainous plan…

  13. Carrie Rubin says:

    Hopefully the Russian army doesn’t come in nesting dolls. Hidden surprises in that situation are never welcome.

  14. Trent Lewin says:

    Yeah, Putin can suck it. Literally. He’s been in the closet too long, and his repressed homosexuality (completely cool with me by the way) needs to be let out. He needs to go shirtless more often, not less. He needs flag-induced gay propoganda in his life more often, not less. And he needs a man. It is clear to me that Vlad Putin needs a strapping hairy man, preferrably one with a military orientation and a tweed jacket, that he can vacation with in the fucking Urals.

    X, you are always funny, but this whole stupid incident brings me pain. I have a bad feeling about all of it. Really bad.

  15. The Cutter says:

    Am I the only one hoping we get a return from Yakov Smirnoff out of this deal?

  16. HA!!! for number 2… I mean, they were all good… but number 2… oh yeah…

  17. totsymae1011 says:

    It’s number two without a doubt.

  18. Aussa Lorens says:

    As always, you nailed it.

  19. Am I the only one who sees this for what it is? Next up, Sarah announces the amicable divorce from Todd, their stars are simply out of alignment. The GOP has their ‘Female’ candidate to run against Hilary, oh yeah. Sarah has the ‘I told you so’ platform, her I know the global politics and can predict what comes next, I am better than Nancy’s astrologers. The minions line up at the special polling booths established just for them. Six months after her swearing in she declares her undying love for Putin and installs him as the “first gentlemen” and there you have it, bloodless coupe.

    My favorite? I simply can’t choose, but I vacillate between 5 and 10. As always and despite the interesting conversations this time, you simply nailed it.

  20. benzeknees says:

    I thought Russia invaded Ukraine because it was blocking their doorstep?

  21. Here are 10 ways you should write your blog in order to appeal to me . . . leave it just as it is. I admire your infinite patience in comments section. It’s a challenge to not only be funny but to know what the hell you’re talking about, which beats most of our media. Oh, about the post – my favorite line: “Vladimir Putin was very upset that Barack Obama hasn’t been returning his phone calls.” I’m going to be laughing about that one all day.

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