10 Activities That Can Land You On Terrorist Watch List

And the best thing about not flying is that you can skip this fun activity. Image source: politico.com

And the best thing about not flying is that you can skip this fun activity.
Image source: politico.com

Many people are afraid to fly – and with all the news about Malaysian Airlines flights and few other recent plane crashes, it seems like flying on an airplane is more dangerous than ever. Thankfully, the US Department of Homeland Security is running a program intended to save thousands people from having to fly ever again, better known as the “No Fly list”. Officially, the No Fly list is based on the list of suspected terrorists, and you may not feel like you could be eligible for this exclusive program. Luckily, according to a recent article, the US government is very generous with the “suspected terrorist” designations, and doesn’t even require concrete facts for you to be added to the terrorist watch list, just a reasonable suspicion. Here are 10 activities that can help you get on the list.

1) Trying to find out if you’re are on the terrorist watch list. Why would an honest person worry about being on a terrorist watch list?

2) Visiting Google.com – because this is the most popular site that terrorists use to find information on how to make bombs.

3) Have a weird Muslim-sounding name. Just watch what happens in 2017 when Barack Hussein Obama can no longer fly Air Force On and has to board a commercial flight back home.

4) Using “there” instead of “their”, “their” instead of “they’re”, and so on: systematically murdering the English language is clearly the first step to murdering those who speak it.

5) Buying fertilizers. Even if you’re not actually buying the chemicals to make explosives or grow weed, then you’re must be trying to grow your own vegetables. However, by growing your own food, you’re undermining the American agricultural industry and sabotaging the US economy as a whole.

6) Carrying a bottle of water: packing objects that are deemed too dangerous to be taken on board of an airplane naturally raises plenty of suspicion even when you’re not actually flying.

7) Taking flight lessons. If you ask the instructor to skip the lesson on how to land a plane, this is an immediate red flag. It’s a double red flag if you do ask the instructor for a lesson on how to land a plane, because you probably just hiding your true intentions.

8) Buying underwear: since someone once used underwear to hide a bomb, all underwear purchases are now closely watched. And no, I don’t mean closely watched by that weird guy hanging out at Victoria’s Secret and pretending to look for something for his non-existent girlfriend.

9) Speaking Arabic. This includes using Arabic words in your conversation or E-mail, for example, words like “algebra”, “chemistry”, “alcohol”, “coffee”, “giraffe”, “jar”, “lemon”, “magazine”, “orange”, “sugar”, or “zero”.

10) Liking and commenting on a list about terrorists. (That’ll teach you not to click “Like” without reading the post.)

Hat tip to eideard.com for the story.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 83 Comments

10 Corporate Policy Changes Following The Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby Decision

In reality, corporations have found God long time ago. There He is, right on the money.

In reality, corporations have found God a long time ago. There He is, right on the money.

This Monday, the United States Supreme Court had decreed that a private company can use the religious beliefs of its owners as a justification for denying certain types of contraception to its female employees. And now that the court finally recognized that private companies are able to hold religious conviction just like regular non-incorporated people, we can expect other companies to become more outspoken about their faith, and to change their policies accordingly. Here are 10 policy changes you can expect from other corporations as a result of the decision.

1) Walmart: “Because our company firmly believes in the wisdom of Biblical verses about slavery, all Walmart workers shall become the legal property of Walmart Corporation.”

2) Aetna Health Insurance: “Any sickness or medical condition must be regarded as God’s will, and as such, any medical treatment for said condition runs contrary to God’s purpose and will not be reimbursed.”

3) Comcast: “When you have called upon our customer service in time of need, and no Technician had come forth between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. as had been prophesied, you shall not doubt the wisdom of our company, but must instead search into your soul and question whether your prayers for His coming had been sincere.”

4) Pfizer, pharmaceutical company: “Our company has adopted the Hindu belief in reincarnation of all living creatures. As a result, any lawsuits alleging that Pfizer products may have caused a patient’s death will now become null and void because Pfizer will no longer recognize the concept of death. In addition, any Pfizer drug warning labels will remove “death” from the list of expected side effects and will replace it with “expedited reincarnation”.

5) Facebook: “Since so many of you come to Facebook to talk about your sins, you must treat the website as a confessional booth, and must not hide any embarrassing or mundane detail in of your life. Our advertisers are immensely grateful to millions of users who have seen the light and embarked on this difficult path already.”

6) United Airlines: “Our company mission is to help all of our clients ascend into Heaven, if only temporarily. And as you cannot bring your earthly possessions into Heaven, any piece of your carry-on or checked luggage will now be required to have its own airplane ticket.”

7) McDonalds: “Our company believes that cow is a holy animal, so from now on please do not expect any actual beef in your Big Macs.”

8) Smith & Wesson, firearms manufacturer: “Since guns enjoy the status of sacred objects in our culture, with some people even worshipping their guns more than their own children, any restrictions on gun sales are tantamount to Congress prohibiting the sales of religious artifacts and clearly violate the First Amendment.”

9) General Motors: “When our company issues a notice for our cars to return to its maker, we will refer to this action as “a rapture” rather than “recall”, and you may consider it a great blessing if one of our rapturemobiles has granted you your personal rapture.”

10) Apple: “Since the court has recognized the personhood of a private company, it is only fair that any current Apple employees leaving to work for our competitors would be condemned as adulterers and shall be punished by stoning.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 71 Comments

10 People Who Are More Qualified To Give Advice On Iraq Than Dick Cheney

Former Vice President Dick Cheney in one of his lighter moments.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney in one of his lighter moments.

In recent weeks, sectarian violence in Iraq had escalated into a full-scale civil war, with Sunni extremist organization ISIS fighting the forces of the Iraqi government, and taking control of the large part of the country. This development brought forward dozens of current and former politicians who in 2003 had passionately advocated for invasion of Iraq, and finally got their golden opportunity to blame Barack Obama for it, as well as for the thousand-year-old Shia-Sunni conflict. Even the former Vice President Dick Cheney who was the main architect of the invasion, came out of hiding at his undisclosed location to criticize Obama for losing the war. Just to remind you, this is Dick “We will be greeted as liberators”, “Saddam Hussein is buddies with Al Qaeda”, “Iraq has weapons of mass destruction”, “It will be a quick war” Cheney, so generously speaking, not the best expert on Iraq. Here are 10 people who would be better experts on Iraq than Dick Cheney.

1) Kim Kardashian: This TV star’s 72-day-long first marriage proves that she is able to set an exit strategy and quickly cut her losses when she sees that things aren’t working.

2) Kanye West: By naming his and Kim’s daughter North, Kanye accurately predicted which exactly part of Iraq would become a hotbed of sectarian violence.

3) LeBron James: This Miami Heat superstar is objective enough to recognize that NBA Finals that went to San Antonio Spurs with the score of 4 to 1 did not constitute a Miami Heat victory.

4) Justin Bieber:  He may be guilty of various crimes, including crimes against humanity (also known as “Justin Bieber’s music”), but he at least knows better to stay away from Iraq during his tours.

5) Bashar al-Assad, dictator: He might be a heartless power-hungry sociopath (or, in other words, Syria’s Dick Cheney), but at least when Assad is talking about weapons of mass destruction, he’s probably not lying.

6) Entire cast of Jersey Shore reality TV show: Unlike Cheney, these beach addicts know a thing or two about the sandy terrain and blistering sun.

7) Dr. Mehmet Oz: He may have pushed questionable solutions to enrich himself, but at least he did not try to justify his schemes as national security interests.

8) Miss Manners: This etiquette expert can tell you that bombing and shelling a country you are visiting is a sign of boorishness and impoliteness, and is unbecoming of a civilized country.

9) Miley Cyrus: Just 15 seconds of any music video of hers is enough to make Shias and Sunnis bridge their differences and agree that all they want to do is to make this stop.

10) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Having adopted several children from different countries, this couple has experience in building successful international coalition.

Since there are approximately 7 billion other people who are more qualified to give expert advice on Iraq and Sunni-Shia conflict, please feel free to suggest your experts.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 107 Comments

10 Reasons Why Russian Bombers Are Flying Near California

American F-22 fighter escorting the Russian bomber in case the Russian visitor accidentally strays into a scary LA neighborhood. Image source: CNN

American F-22 fighter escorting the Russian bomber in case the Russian visitor accidentally strays into a scary LA neighborhood.
Image source: CNN

Last week, the U.S. Air Force intercepted two Russian bombers less than 50 miles away from the California coast. The bombers were accompanied by an aerial refueling airplane, apparently due to California’s ridiculously high gas prices. Here are 10 reasons why Russian bombers flew to California.

1) Vladimir Putin gave the order that this inane “Keeping Up With Kardashians” TV show must be stopped by any means necessary.

2) Facing possible sanctions on Russia for its actions in Ukraine, Vladimir Putin wanted to send a veiled threat to the United States by showing that Russian military still has two airplanes that are functional enough to reach American mainland.

3) White House asked for Russian bombers to help reinforce the American military because the U.S. Air Force just doesn’t have enough planes to bomb every country Senator John McCain wants bombed.

4) It turns out that General Motors engine recall was a little more widespread than we thought.

5) Due to a still-unfixed Y2K bug in the bombers’ navigation system, the planes’ GPS loaded an 1814 map, according to which Russia has a military base in Northern California.

6) The planes did not intend to threaten the U.S.. They were merely delivering a shipment of steroids to the Russian soccer team playing in the World Cup in Brazil. Also, if necessary, the planes were meant to help the Russian players by leveling the playing field (or the whole stadium, if the opposing team just doesn’t get the hint.)

7) The planes were on a reconnaissance mission to verify a recently obtained top secret intelligence report: a high-quality two hour long video showing San Francisco being destroyed by couple of 100,000 ton dinosaur-like monsters.

8) Vladimir Putin sent the planes to protect the oppressed Russian-speaking Americans like Google’s founder Sergey Brin and actress Mila Kunis, and to check if any of the American states are ready to secede and join Russia.

9) Russian security forces got tired of dealing with the NSA leaker Edward Snowden and tried to drop him off back in the US.

10) The pilots were lost, and Russian military pilots never ask for directions. They just fly over the nearest land, then comb Twitter for hashtags #OMGRussiansAreAttacking” or #WorldWarThree to find out where they are.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 63 Comments

10 Reactions To Release Of American Soldier Captured By Taliban

Bowe Bergdahl: the only American soldier captured in Afghanistan, and the only soldier in history that a country wanted to free and then wanted to return to captivity

Bowe Bergdahl: the only American soldier captured in Afghanistan, and the only soldier in history that was hailed as a hero while in captivity, then called a traitor once he was freed.  Image source: Wikipedia

Last weekend, Barack Obama had announced that Bowe Bergdahl, the sole American soldier captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan and held captive for the last five years, has been freed in exchange for five Taliban commanders released from Guantanamo military prison. (There is, apparently, an exchange rate of one Taliban commander for one year in captivity). Normally, a return of an American POW would be a cause for a celebration. Instead, the White House was criticized for negotiating with terrorists, for bringing back a suspected deserter, for not notifying the Congress 30 days before the swap, and so on. Here are 10 other reactions to the prisoner trade and return of Bowe Bergdahl.

1) Hamid Karzai, president of Afghanistan: “Praise Allah, our country has finally established trade relations with the United States!”

2) John Boehner, Republican Speaker of the House: “Barack Obama broke the law by not notifying the Congress 30 days in advance before the swap! This illegal action gave us no ANY time to leak classified information to the media before it was too late! And by the way, Obama keeps breaking another requirement to notify Congress 90 days in advance before he sneezes!”

3) Sloan Gibson, Interim Director of Veterans Affairs Administration: “We’re happy to welcome Sgt. Bergdahl home, but considering VA’s problems with long wait for medical care, we ask him to be very, very patient and prepare to spend next couple years waiting for one of our specialists. In fact, we think that Sgt. Bergdahl would probably receive a speedier medical assistance from the Taliban.”

4) Fox News, Republican PR agency: “Liberals love to point out that George W. Bush released more than 500 prisoners from Guantanamo while Obama released five. What they don’t talk about that it was Obama’s fault anyway – Obama must have convinced Bush to release these detainees so that he could blame Bush for releasing them!”

5) Sarah Palin, unemployed woman with a Facebook account: “Our country does not negotiate with terrorists! Just look at our history, and you’ll see that not a single Founding Father has ever negotiated with the Taliban!”

6) Barack Obama: “We followed our motto ‘Don’t leave a man behind’ and brought Sergeant Bergdahl back. And our country did not break the principle of not negotiating with terrorists, because the Taliban is not designated as a terrorist organization. It’s not like they try to sabotage almost every single government agency, or shut down the government, or leave tens of millions of people without any health insurance.”

7) Chuck Hagel, US Defense Secretary: “‘Don’t leave a man behind’? What ever gave people the idea that our country follows the principle? There’s still 30,000 troops left in Afghanistan.”

8) Pew Research Center: “Based on the results of our recent poll on whether Americans think that Bowe Bergdahl is guilty of treason and should never have been brought home, we have determined that nearly 30% of Americans possess a supernatural ability to tell with absolute certainty whether a person is guilty of committing a crime without actually seeing any evidence or even reading the law.”

9) John McCain, former prisoner of war: “Those Taliban commanders are extremely dangerous and should have never been released! They deserve the most severe punishment imaginable, like housing them on a tropical island and feeding and entertaining them on the taxpayers’ dime!”

10) Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl: “I’m just happy to be home, and… Wait, what are they are saying what about me? Really? And now my family is getting death threats? Well, thanks for reminding me why I wanted to defect in the first place. “

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 60 Comments

10 Pentagon Strategies For Defeating A Zombie Invasion

In related news, Pentagon requested $230 billion to develop a strategic plan to defeat Godzilla.

In related news, Pentagon requested $230 billion to develop a strategic plan to defeat Godzilla.

We live in a dangerous world, and we’re so lucky to have the United States military that worth every penny of that half a trillion dollars it costs every year. Because Pentagon is prepared for not just the foreseeable threats like a North Korean attack, but also for the less unlikely event of zombie apocalypse.  Extraordinary situations call for extraordinary measures, and so it is very likely that Pentagon’s plans for dealing with zombies aren’t conventional either. Here are 10 possible Pentagon’s strategies for fighting a zombie invasion.

1) Make zombies visit the United States Congress. Once they meet our leaders, zombies will quickly realize that if those are supposedly the smartest people in the country, there is little hope for zombies to find any brraaiinnzz elsewhere in America, and they will go back where they came from.

2) Give $10 million to each zombie, and immediately raise taxes to 90%. Infuriated by higher taxes, zombies will immediately move to Canada in protest.

3) Send representatives from American Civil Liberties Union to meet with zombies and tell them that as dead, they are no longer eligible to vote in the elections. This will cause zombies to organize a million zombie protest march to Washington, where they will all listen to the “I have a drreeaamm” speech and demand the end to discrimination. And once all the zombies are all conveniently gathered in the same spot, the military can use one of their bombs they love so much.

4) Allow all private businesses to produce as much carbon dioxide as they want. This will speed up the global warming, melt the Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets, and will raise the sea level, so if zombies will eventually appear, most of them will immediately drown.

5) Outsource American zombie jobs to lower-paid Mexican and Indian zombies imported into the US on the Z-1 visa. American zombies, bitter that immigrant zombies are taking their jobs and stealing their braaainzzz, will lash out at the foreign zombies and will leave the living alone.

6) Recruit an army of school bullies to mock zombies’s physical appearance, unfashionable clothing, and awkward movements. If that doesn’t destroy zombie self-esteem, well, then we at least will have far fewer school bullies, so it’s a win-win.

7) Make zombies get a human-hunting permit at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Frustration and anger caused by standing in lines for hours and dealing with rude DMV employees will make most of the zombies want to re-kill themselves all over again.

8) Remove all restrictions on gun sales, and make it possible for zombies to buy firearms with no restrictions. Because, as the National Rifle Association says, the only thing that can stop an evil zombie with gun is a good zombie with a gun.

9) Unleash the Obamacare’s death panels against zombies (because fictional organizations are the most obvious way to deal with fictional invaders). If death panels turn out to be too fictional, then simply exclude dental coverage from Obamacare. With teeth weakened by lack of decent dental care during their lifetime, zombies will not be able to bite humans, and will not pose much of a threat.

10) Set up a WordPress blog for every zombie. Maintaining their own blogs and reading other zombie blogs will take so much effort, that zombies will have neither the time nor the energy to chase the rest of us. And, judging by some of the bloggers who follow me, that IS the option that Pentagon had picked.

 

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10 Reasons Why “Operation American Spring” Was A Failure

The patriots celebrated when they saw Vice President Joe Biden leaving White House, but it turned out that he was just getting lunch. Photo by Matt Cohen (dcist . com)

The actual attendance looked like this, and you can spot an epic fail even if you do not look closely. 
Photo by Matt Cohen (dcist . com)

This Friday was the day of “Operation American Spring” – a Tea Party rally held simultaneously in Washington and in Nevada to rail against Obama’s tyranny. Of course, yet another Tea Party rally would have been completely unremarkable, had it not been for the fact that event organizers’ promised to bring out 10 to 30 million American patriots, force President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Attorney General Eric Holder, and congressional leaders of both parties to resign from office, all the while non-violently fighting against Obama’s ferocious drone attacks. The actual attendance for the rally, however, was only around a hundred people, no government official actually resigned – the patriots celebrated when they saw Vice President Joe Biden leaving White House, but it turned out that he was just getting lunch. There wasn’t even a single drone attack – all of which marked the event as a dismal failure. Here are 10 reasons why most of the promised 10 to 30 million people never made it to the event.

1)  4,253,203 people thought that clicking “Will Attend” on the Facebook event counts as physically attending the actual event.

2)  672,186 people stayed home because spring is allergy season and they have a severe drone attack allergy.

3)  The event organizers were counting on 666,666 liberals to attend the event to mock the participants of the rally. Unfortunately, the modern technology has given liberals the flexibility of mocking from home.

4)  Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Eric Holder, John Boehner, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Mitch McConnell all said that they couldn’t come to the rally because they have to wash their hair.

5)  129,671 people couldn’t decide between attending the event in Washington or Nevada, so they stayed at home watching Duck Dynasty.

6)  398,810 people suspected that a rally where they would have to show up unarmed is just a sneaky Obama’s trick to get them out of their houses and quietly confiscate their guns while they’re out.

7)  1,599,582 people were truly planning to come out and bravely face the imminent wrath of Predator drones and ruthless jack-booted thugs defending Obama’s tyranny, but stayed home because it was raining on the morning of the rally.

8)  2,122,613 people estimated that the traffic caused by 10 million patriots driving into Washington on the same day would be dreadful (patriots don’t use mass transit because it’s socialist), and no one would probably notice if they didn’t go.

9)  157,024 people were recovering from an apoplectic heart attack caused by the realization that Barack Obama is STILL president!!!

10)  138 of the Tea Party patriots actually had a job to go to on a Friday.

Do YOU have an excuse?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 71 Comments