10 Most Shocking Revelations About Osama Bin Laden’s Assassination

And this famous photo that supposedly shows the White House officials watching the bin Laden raid? They're actually watching the American Idol.

And this famous photo that supposedly shows the White House officials watching the bin Laden raid? They’re actually watching the American Idol.

In a just-released bombshell report, the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Seymour Hersh has questioned the Obama administration’s official story of how exactly Osama bin Laden had died. According to Hersh and his very anonymous source, the Pakistanis knew about the American SEAL Team 6 raid in advance, because they kept bin Laden under house arrest in a compound paid by Saudis, the story of how the CIA found bin Laden is also completely made up, and everything that was true was covered up. However, I have my own, just as trustworthy and well-connected anonymous source. I won’t give you my…I mean, the source’s name, but believe me, the information from my source is even more sensational than from Hersh’s. Here are 10 of these revelations.

1) The SEALs whom Obama credited with killing bin Laden aren’t the lovable marine mammals as you may have been led to believe, but are actually humans with extensive military training.

2) Osama bin Laden wasn’t killed by a bullet, but by a heart attack resulting from frustration due to his inability to sign up for Obamacare.

3) The money which Saudis were paying for bin Laden’s compound came from selling popular “Where’s bin Laden?” books.

4) Contrary to Obama’s and CIA’s assertion that outside of a few people in the White House and the Pentagon no one including the Pakistanis knew about the raid, Pakistanis knew, Saudis knew, and pretty much everyone was aware of the operation. In fact, according to my source, you were the only one left in the dark.

5) Every senior Pakistani official, including the prime minister and head of Pakistan’s intelligence service, had been taking acting classes for decades so that upon hearing the news of the American raid they could convincingly portray ignorance and outrage.

6) Osama bin Laden wasn’t found by the CIA thanks to the information they obtained by water-boarding terror suspects. In reality, CIA has pinpointed bin Laden’s location after he checked in at “Abbotabad compound” on Facebook. (CIA, however, was forced to water-board Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to get him to explain how to modify Facebook settings to stop bin Laden’s check-ins and selfies from popping up in CIA’s Facebook feed every few seconds).

7) The bearded man in the strange dress shot at the compound was actually Santa Claus. Every parent who has been telling their children about Santa’s list, his visits, and his presents was complicit in the cover-up.

8) There was no Pakistani doctor who helped find bin Laden while doing polio vaccinations in the Abbottabad area. You can now scratch “helps defeat international terrorism” from the already embarrassingly short list of vaccination benefits.

9) The true name of the town in which bin Laden’s compound was located wasn’t Abbottabad, but Costellobad.

10) When Barack Obama had been reading the speech about the success of the raid, he stood behind a podium, because he was covering up an unzipped fly.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 77 Comments

10 Reactions To Imminent American Invasion of Texas

Thousands of Texans are preparing to defend the flag of Texas (also known as "American flag for dummies").

Thousands of Texans are preparing to defend the flag of Texas (also known as “the American flag for dummies”).

This summer, the United States military is planning to conduct a large-scale exercise in several Southwestern states – or that’s what they want you to believe. According to some Texan patriots, the U.S. government is actually scheming to invade the entire state of Texas, take away people’s guns, enslave people with Obamacare, and send them to FEMA concentration camps. This may sounds like a conspiracy theory to you, except that the governor of Texas actually ordered the Texas State Guard to monitor the US military exercises to make sure they don’t take over the state, which makes this invasion more real to the State of Texas than, say, global warming. Here are 10 reactions to this invasion/exercise.

1) Greg Abbott, Governor of Texas: “In order to prepare to defend Texas against the looming takeover by the federal government, I have declared a state of emergency and requested 10 billion dollars in disaster aid from the federal government.”

2) Ash Carter, US Secretary of Defense: “It’s possible that the next war will be in the Middle East, and therefore the drills will take place in Texas, because there is no better place to train for a Middle Eastern war than in an oil-rich state ruled by a theocratic regime.”

3) Dick Cheney, former Vice President of the United States: “Few people have as much experience in dragging America into wars as I do, and I am confident more than ever that the war against Texas will be a quick war and we will be greeted as liberators.”

4) Edward Snowden, privacy whistle-blower: “The fact that Texas National Guard will be monitoring the U.S. military is a very depressing sign: if even the military can’t get any privacy within the US, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

5) Texas state police: “We will not be involved in the monitoring, because we’re not equipped or trained to deal with armed white people.”

6) General Raymond Odierno, Chief of Staff of the US Army: “We actually tried to have this training exercise in the Northeast, but too many of our soldiers were getting PTSD just from driving in New England and New York traffic.”

7) Texas State Guard: “We have already began the monitoring the actions of the US military for any signs of unusual activity, and right now what we’re seeing is a bunch of sun-burned camo-wearin’ guys running around with assault rifles. Or, in other words, nothing out of the ordinary for Texas.”

8) George W. Bush, former Texas governor and US President: “I’m grateful to governor Abbott for helping shape my image as the smart governor of Texas”.

9) Association of US Defense Contractors: “According to our analysts, Texas poses a clear and present danger to the United States, and we strongly recommend that the Pentagon immediately order at least $500 billion worth of our latest military hardware to neutralize this threat.”

10) Gallup Research: We have asked the residents of Texas what they think about this situation, and here are the results: 45% responded that they are very concerned about the invasion, 35% responded that they aren’t worried, and 20% responded ‘Lo siente, no hablo Inglés’.”

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments

10 Barack Obama’s E-mails Stolen By Russian Hackers

"Allright...Obama's mother's maiden name?...Here we go...School he went to?... Here you go...Pet name?...Here you go!...Aaaaaaaand access granted!  Gee, Wikipedia, you're a treasure!" Image source: authormedia

“Allright…Obama’s mother’s maiden name?…Here you go…School he went to?… Here you go…Pet name?…Here you go!…Aaaaaaaand access granted! Gee, Wikipedia, you’re a treasure!”
Image source: authormedia

According to a recent news story, Russian hackers broke into the White House e-mail server and accessed and read thousands of unclassified E-mails, including those in the president Barack Obama’s account. The FBI and the US Secret Service have reported that hackers did not access any classified correspondence – although, of course, if hackers did get to the classified stuff, that fact would probably get immediately classified, too. In any case, the breach is a huge embarrassment to the White House. Here are 10 of the e-mails in Barack Obama’s account that Russian hackers were able to read.

1) From: Barack Obama
To: Hillary Clinton
“Hillary, why do you insist on using your private e-mail server and not our White House servers? Don’t you realize your E-mails could get hacked?”

2) From: Amazon.Com Fulfillment Center
To: Barry O.
“Thank you for using Amazon Prime. Your order has been shipped and will be delivered via our Amazon Drone program to the designated recipient in Pakistan within 2 to 3 business days.
Please don’t hesitate to use Amazon.com for all your future online orders.”

3) From: George W. Bush
To: Barack Obama or Current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington
“Hiya, its me George, I movd out of this place few years back. Just checking if you got any e-mails for me at this address. I’m just checking cause sinse after I movd out of their I stopd getting most of my mails and so was wundering if you had em. Thanx alot.”

4) From: Mitch McConnell (Republican senate majority leader)
To: Barack Obama
“Mister president. The Republican party considers your presidency the worst of the American history by far, and we will not rest until you are impeached, imprisoned, and deported.
P.S. By the way, happy birthday.”

5) From: Vladimir Putin
To: E-mail sender
“Thank you for your E-mail. Unfortunately, I am currently out of the office wrestling bears and opposition leaders, and will not have any access to E-mail during that time. If your country needs to contact me urgently, please declare independence and I will be with you very shortly.”

6) From: National Security Agency
To: Barack Obama
“Mr. President. We would like to express our concern that the NSA surveillance program overhaul proposal we found in your e-mail draft folder is extremely overreaching, and could damage our unfailing ability to protect the country from foreign threats.”

7) From: Bank of America
To: Loan applicant
“Dear customer, we regret to inform you that your mortgage loan application for $1,000,000,000,000.00 (one trillion dollars) to refinance your house at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC has been denied.
Reasons for the denial are:
[x] There is an existing $18.2 trillion mortgage on the house;
[x] Insufficient job security because you have indicated that your position is only temporary;
[x] Too many dependents listed on the application (318 million).”

8) From: Kim Jong-Un
To: All Filthy Americans
“We laugh at your puny threats! We will crush you and your putrid rotten American imperialism! America is a scourge of the world and everything American must be mercilessly destroyed in the blazing bonfire of the revolution!!
Sent from my iPhone”

9) From: Secret Service
To: The president
“Hello. We just want to let you know know that we just had another guy jump the fence around the White House. If you see a guy running through the Oval Office, would you mind giving us a call?”

10) From: Joseph Biden, Vice President
To: Barack Obama
“Barack! Did you know you can send letters from one computer to another? This electric mail thing is a gas!”

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 66 Comments

10 Reactions To Nuclear Deal With Iran

The exhausted negotiators are finally saying their goodbyes, until they have to meet for the next round of talks beginning in about 30 minutes. Image source: Al Jazeera

The exhausted negotiators are finally saying their goodbyes, until they have to meet for the next round of talks beginning in about 30 minutes.
Image source: Al Jazeera

Last week, after weeks of non-stop negotiations in Switzerland, the United States, Iran, and several other countries had agreed to a deal that is supposed to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear bomb. Actually, to be more accurate, what the countries had agreed on was to agree to negotiate an agreement by June 30 to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear weapons within 15 years – which still a huge progress from the 2013 agreement which was a deal to negotiate a compromise on having an agreement on meeting with Iran to talk about stuff. The current deal is intended to stop most of Iranian enrichment activities for at least 15 years and allow the International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors to oversee the Iran’s nuclear facilities – but, of course, this isn’t the actual deal. Here are 10 reactions to… whatever this is.

1) Ayatollah Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran: Our plan is to keep annoying the United States with non-stop negotiations, talks, meetings, agreements, conferences, compromises, arrangements, discussions, summits, and deals, until the Americans give up and just give us the nuclear bombs just so they wouldn’t have to deal with us anymore.

2) 47 Republican Senators who wrote Iran a letter demanding that they stop negotiating: We are outraged that Iranians had ignored our letter. We’re already composing a nasty text message, if that doesn’t work, we’ll stalk Iran on Facebook and Pinterest!

3) President Barack Obama: Israel has expressed their concerns that the deal isn’t actually going to stop Iran from creating nuclear weapons. But I give my solemn promise that Israel has no reason to worry about Iran’s nuclear attack for as long as I am president!

4) Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea:  We congratulate Iran on winning a 15-year extension in their deal, because when you’re building a nuclear bomb, it could be very dangerous to rush things.

5) Hassan Rouhani, President of Iran: This deal will lift the sanctions and will finally open the gates for the biggest Iranian exports, oil and terrorism. However, it’s too early to celebrate before the agreement is finalized – as we say in Iran, the Great Satan is in the details.

6) IAEA inspectors: We have not been given the access to every Iranian nuclear enrichment site, but the early signs are very encouraging: the Iranians have already allowed us to inspect a zoo, a movie theater and a beach, and we have found no suspicious activity there.

7) Republican Senator John McCain: I have always been calling for the United States to pull out of the negotiations and just bomb Iran. But you know, I’m actually glad we have a peace deal, because now Iranians will never expect us to bomb them.

8) Ben Ki-moon, UN Secretary General: While the United Nations is heartened by the news of the agreement, we are disappointed by the slow pace of negotiations. Since we want to complete the next round of talks on time, we will no longer hold these talks in a nice place like Switzerland, but will instead schedule the next round in a place like Somalia, Antarctica, or Detroit.

9) List of X: This list will stop at 9, because an unfinished deal doesn’t really deserve a finished list.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 60 Comments

10 Theories Explaining Vladimir Putin’s Disappearance

carputinThere have been some speculation surrounding the fact that the Russian president Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for at least a week, and had canceled all of his recent meetings and appearances. It has been rumored that Putin may have died, or is having serious health issues, and the Russian government has been busy fighting these rumors. According to the Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov, there is nothing to worry about, President Putin’s health is great, and his handshake is so firm that he can break someone’s hand. So here are 10 theories explaining the disappearance of President Putin.

1)  Vladimir Putin accidentally shook his left hand with his right hand and is in a hospital with multiple bone fractures.

2)  He has discovered Netflix.

3)  Olympic gymnast Alina Kabaeva, who is rumored to be Putin’s girlfriend, just had a baby, and a lot of men tend to disappear in this situation.

4)  Putin is undergoing his annual chest hair wax, because it’s almost season for taking shirtless photos.

5)  Vladimir Putin is definitely not fighting in Ukraine, not capturing key Ukrainian cities, and not single-handedly winning defensive victories there.

6)  Vladimir Putin has gone into hiding when the investigators of a recent high-profile murder of the opposition leader Boris Nemtsov have announced that they are close to capturing the killer – to avoid distracting the investigators from their work, obviously.

7)  President Putin had temporarily died and is currently resurrecting himself to officially attain the status of God of Russia. Also, after being reborn as a new man, he will become eligible to run for three more presidential terms.

8)  Vladimir Putin is modeling for the new Where’s Vlado? children’s book series.

9)  Some of Russia’s sovereign debt is overdue, and Putin is hiding from the collection agencies.

10)  As they used to say at the KGB, Russia is a big country; people disappear all the time.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 81 Comments

10 Reactions To Benjamin Netanyahu’s Speech In Congress

President Barack Obama has refused to listen to Benjamin Netanyahu's speech.

President Barack Obama has refused to listen to Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech.

This Tuesday, the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu, made a speech in front of the joint session of Congress criticizing the proposed deal between the United States, Europe, Russia, China, and Iran that is supposed to stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons. The speech became controversial when it was revealed that the Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner invited Netanyahu without even telling the White House about it. Dozens of Democratic lawmakers have boycotted the speech, Barack Obama refused to meet with Netanyahu, and reprimanded him for undermining American diplomatic efforts – and all of that was before the speech even happened. So here are 10 reactions after Netanyahu’s speech.

1)  John Boehner, Speaker of the House: “Criticizing Obama is hard work, and we were happy to outsource it to a foreign worker.”

2)  Isaac Herzog, Netanyahu’s challenger in the Israeli elections: “Since the United States is experiencing an unusually cold winter, we figured you could use some extra hot air.”

3)  Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary: “According to the White House policy, Barack Obama doesn’t meet with any foreign leaders two weeks before their elections because such meeting may interfere with their election results. However, according to the policy, publicly berating these same leaders two weeks before their elections is perfectly okay.”

4)  Ari Harow, Netanyahu’s chief of staff: “We’re glad that President Obama chose not to meet with Mr. Netanyahu before the election. Don’t you remember how many Democratic politicians lost their elections simply because they were associated with Obama?”

5)  Javad Zarif, foreign minister of Iran: “The negotiation talks between Iran and the Great Satan have not been going smoothly, but today both our and American sides have finally reached an agreement on the point that Bibi should just shut up.”

6)  Joseph Clancy, Director of the US Secret Service: “Due to a security lapse, our agents had allowed another fence jumper (a Caucasian male, aged 65-70, approximately 6’ tall) to slip into the Capitol building and make a 40 minute speech in front of Congress before we had apprehended him.”

7)  Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea: “All sides should continue working on a diplomatic solution. If it weren’t for years and years of diplomatic efforts, our country wouldn’t have had enough time to build our own nuclear bombs.”

8)  Sergey Lavrov, foreign minister of Russia: “Yes, this diplomacy thing is great – these talks are the only way West still lets Russian officials go somewhere outside of Russia. However, I must repeat that Russia is not involved in these negotiations, and you have absolutely no proof that we are.”

9) Ashton Carter, US Secretary of Defense:  “We don’t appreciate Prime Minister Netanyahu’s attempts to drag American soldiers into another pointless war.  That’s Pentagon’s job.”

10) Benjamin Netanyahu: “Look, Jews are wonderful people, but for once in my life I just want to go somewhere where I could make a speech without people trying to argue with me every three seconds.”

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 46 Comments

10 Very Special Valentine’s Day Cards

Today is Valentine’s day, the official day of love, and almost everyone sends or receives a Valentine’s day card. And by everyone, I do mean everyone – because no one is immune to love. So I thought it would be great idea to show you the Valentine’s cards from the people and organizations that you wouldn’t normally expect to send Valentine’s Day cards. Here are 10 of these cards.

gays measles

Patriots

Russia

Anthem

Swift

 

Snow

 

 

 

Kim

 

 

 

FoxNSA

All cards created with the help of punchbowl.com.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 77 Comments