10 American Strategies For Defeating ISIS

ISIS has already killed two Americans, and if their reign of terror and violence is allowed to continue, ISIS could eventually kill as many innocent unarmed Americans as, say, General Motors or New York police. Image source: telegraph.co.uk

ISIS has already killed two Americans, and if their reign of terror and violence is allowed to continue, ISIS could eventually kill as many innocent unarmed Americans as, say, General Motors or New York police.
Image source: telegraph.co.uk

The ISIS insurgency continues in Iraq, and, as it always happens, every American politician seems to automatically assume that whenever there is a war anywhere in the world, the United States must immediately get involved. For the last few weeks, the United States has been supporting the Iraqi army by launching airstrikes against ISIS, but when Barack Obama recently said that the United States has no defined strategy on ISIS, he was criticized for it, because, as we all remember, having a strategy worked out so well the last time the US invaded Iraq. Since it appears that staying out of yet another Middle Eastern war is not an option, here are 10 strategies for defeating ISIS.

1) Persist in having no defined strategy. Choosing a military strategy allows the opponent to guess what it is and prepare for our next move, but if we continue arbitrary and chaotic airstrikes against ISIS, they can’t possibly predict when and where our next attack is coming.

2) Since officially recognizing ISIS as a credible threat to the United States only raises the profile of the terrorist organization and helps them recruit more fighters, one of the most damaging things Obama could do to ISIS would be to ignore them and go golfing.

3) Assemble an international coalition to fight ISIS, or, in other words, outsource the actual fighting to China and India.

4) Take the advice of Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty reality show, that the way to defeat ISIS is to convert them to Christianity or kill them. This recommendation must be taken seriously, since, after all, this man spent decades of his life fighting the bloody take-no-prisoners war against ducks.

5) Bomb Russia: Not only it would punish Russia for its meddling in Ukraine, but a Russian retaliation would prevent an ISIS attack since there won’t really be anything left in the US that would be worth attacking.

6) Let National Rifle Association sell firearms to every Iraqi old enough to lift a gun: if a nine-year-old girl with an Uzi can defend herself against a weapons instructor, peaceful Iraqis should have no problem beating ISIS.

7) Refer to ISIS as “ISIL” in all official documents. This will ensure that when ISIS-related classified documents eventually get leaked, ISIS will think that Pentagon is talking about someone else.

8) Elect Republican politicians into ISIS’ leadership: by filibustering every move of the organization, they will completely paralyze it and won’t let it accomplish any of its goals.

9) Insist that there would be no boots on the ground until Iraqi government gets the hint and rolls out the red carpet.

10) Train and arm moderate Syrian rebels. The first step would be finding these people who are willing to kill and die for peace, and crush their enemies in the name of diversity and tolerance.

Posted in List of 10 | 58 Comments

10 Absolutely Essential Items Pentagon Gave To Your Local Police

St. Louis police is still waiting for their snow camouflage parkas. Image source: vanityfair

St. Louis police is still waiting for their snow camouflage parkas.
Image source: vanityfair

Protests in Ferguson, Missouri, where peaceful protesters faced St Louis county police equipped with machine guns, gas masks, camouflage, and armored vehicles, has made it clear that your local police department might be armed well enough to defeat the army of a country like Albania or Guatemala. As it turns out, Pentagon has a multi-billion dollar program which gives away all kinds of military hardware to the police, from the basic stuff like assault rifles, sniper scopes, and grenade launchers, to more advanced machinery like helicopters and armored vehicles, and to occasional non-military equipment. For example, Pentagon gave New Orleans police things like snow camouflage and men’s scarves. And although many people believe that the police doesn’t need things like armored vehicles or snow camouflage in snow-less New Orleans, all of this equipment is truly necessary for police work. Here are the explanations for 10 of the items actually given by Pentagon to the New Orleans police.

1)  1 Armored Personnel Carrier: This vehicle is needed to help black police officers get home safely after they’ve completed their shifts and changed into civilian clothing. Don’t you know how dangerous it is for an unarmed black man to drive through an area of heavy police presence?

2)  1 Mine-Resistant Vehicle: Considering the strong influence of French culture in New Orleans (including some of the less pleasant aspects of it), it’s very likely that the requisition form contained a typo, and the police mean to request a mime-resistant vehicle.

3)  20 snow camouflage parkas and 10 pairs of snowshoes: Because the people who govern Louisiana claim that global warming is a hoax and the planet is actually experiencing a global cooling, the New Orleans police expect that they would have to fight crime waist-deep in the snow any day now.

4)  3 circulating fans: Because it gets really hot in New Orleans, especially if you’re wearing snow camouflage parkas and snowshoes.

5)  360 men’s scarves: When camouflage and gas masks dehumanize police officers and turn them into some kind of scary forest-dwelling robots, a carefully picked elegant scarf can give them an element of flair and respectability.

6)  30 survival axes: An absolutely necessary item for repelling a zombie attack. If Pentagon already has a strategy for fighting zombies, it would only be fair if New Orleans police does join the battle, too.

7) 1 parachute bag (without the parachute): Should a bad guy hijack the helicopter and demand a suitcase of money and a parachute, he would be in for a nasty surprise when he jumps out with the money and discovers that his parachute bag is filled with 50 of those men’s scarves.

8) 1 infrared telescope: Because how else would you put a surveillance on that suspicious alien spaceship with the expired licence plates?

9) 46 laundry nets: Obviously an ideal instrument for catching money launderers.

10) 12 searchlights: Today’s criminals have gotten used to standard police interrogation techniques, and a regular 100-Watt lamp pointed in their face just doesn’t get the confessions like it used to.

Thanks to Eideard for the story. Also, the full list included things like pliers, chainsaw, bug-proof jackets, life raft, life preservers, diver’s suits, hammer, rubber mallet, machete, space heater, laser pointers, forklift, cork sheets, insulation tape, magnifier, battery chargers, generator, desk light, photo camera and tripod, folding chairs (at $1,096.99 each), garbage can, coffee maker, rubber sheets, and computer mice – so please feel free to add your explanations for these.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

10 Reactions To Indictment Of Texas Governor Rick Perry

Rick Perry in the most presidential-looking mugshot ever. Image source: CNN

Rick Perry in the most presidential-looking mugshot ever.
Image source: CNN

In a shocking development, grand jury in Texas has charged the state’s governor and a likely 2016 presidential candidate Rick Perry with two felony counts of abuse of power and trying to coerce a public official. The charges stem from the incident when Texas District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg was arrested for drunk driving, and Rick Perry tried to remove her from the office by vetoing the funding for public corruption investigations unit that Lehmberg supervised. Here are 10 reaction to Rick Perry’s indictment.

1) Mike McCrum, special prosecutor: “The grand jury had indicted Rick Perry on two felony counts. They were going to charge Perry with three, but he wouldn’t remember the third one.”

2) David Dewhurst, Lieutenant Governor of Texas: “I don’t understand why people are making such a big deal about Rick’s cutting funding for the public integrity unit. We don’t need any corruption investigations. In this country and the great state of Texas, we have this completely legal process in which anyone could lawfully give a wad of money to a politician and have them do anything you want.”

3) Texas Highway Patrol: “This morning, just outside of Austin, our officers have stopped and arrested one Rosemary Lehmberg when they found her blood alcohol level at over three times the legal limit. Ms. Lehmberg was disoriented and incoherent, and it took Sgt. McDaniel 20 minutes to understand that Ms. Lehmberg had been celebrating something she called ‘indigma of ripurry’.”

4) Joe Allbaugh, Rick Perry’s campaign manager: “I can promise you that Rick Perry will definitely be running in 2016. That is, unless they catch him earlier.”

5) George W. Bush, former president: “I don’t think drunk driving should be a disqualification for a public office. Look at me, I got arrested for DUI too, and I still turned out to be a pretty great president!”

6) Jon Belmar, chief of St. Louis County Police: “I think Rick Perry was correct in demanding Lehmberg’s resignation. Her actions were absolutely inappropriate for anyone in law enforcement. If she had shot and killed an unarmed black man, fine, no problem. But drunk driving – that is a serious offense.”

7) Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey: “Lay off Rick, will ya? My experience with the bridge scandal tells me that he’s completely innocent in all this! He didn’t sign the veto order, it was clearly done without any of his knowledge by one of my aides! I already fired several of them today, and if I ever find out who is responsible, I’ll fire them, too.”

8) Nate Silver, election expert: “There was a question whether Rick Perry’s indictment could hurt his chances in 2016 presidential campaign. According to my statistical model, the governor has nothing to worry about: Perry’s chances of becoming president had been zero before, and it’s still zero now.”

9) Rick Perry: “I am going to fight this injustice, and we will prevail! And unless the jury drops the charges of abuse of power immediately, I will call up the National Guard to burn down the court!”

10) Barack Obama: “I’m not yet familiar with this situation. All I have been told so far is that this is somehow my fault.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 65 Comments

10 Most Commonly Misinterpreted Terms Describing Israel-Gaza Conflict

Map of Israel, Gaza, and West Bank. This whole area is so small and so disproportionately debated, that if you print out every article and story on the conflict, you could cover the whole area with about 100 feet high layer of paper. (Image source: weeklyintercept.blogspot.com)

Map of Israel, Gaza, and West Bank. This whole area is so small and so disproportionately debated, that if you print out every article, story, and comment related to the conflict, you could cover the whole area with about 100 feet high layer of paper. So what’s one more?
(Image source: weeklyintercept.blogspot.com)

The latest Israeli-Palestinian conflict in Gaza, now raging for several weeks, has gripped the world’s attention. And as it is often the case in any high-profile conflict, there is a lot of confusion and misinformation whirling around, starting with the terminology that is commonly used in various discussions of the current clash in Gaza, and Israeli-Palestinian conflict in general. Unfortunately, a lot of terms used to describe the conflict are somewhat misunderstood, and don’t necessarily mean what we think they mean. Here are 10 of these terms with their correct definitions.

1) “Hamas”: an imaginary organization which, according to Israeli claims, rules Gaza and allegedly shoots crude homemade rockets into Israel. If this mythical “Hamas” were actually real, then among thousands of photos of violence and devastation caused by Israel in Gaza there would have been at least a couple of pictures of “Hamas” fighters that Israel is supposedly fighting there.

2) “Crude homemade rocket”: Any self-propelled projectile weapon with flight range up to 100 miles and/or warhead containing less than 250 pounds of explosive, and approved by the United Nations for use against any civilian population outside Europe and North America. May contain homemade white phosphorus.

3) “Iron Dome”: a malicious system built by Israel to viciously demolish the homemade rockets that artisans in Gaza have spent countless hours patiently and lovingly assembling.

4) “Pro-Israeli propaganda”: Any internet or print article, or TV report that deviates from reporting the cold hard facts of brutal Israeli massacre of innocent civilians and mentions the existence of so-called “Hamas” as proven fact – especially if those stories in any way insinuate that alleged Hamas’ actions are in any way responsible for provoking Israel.

5) “Freedom fighters”: a courageous organization which is fighting against the established power by any means necessary. This term is often mixed up with “terrorist organization”, defined as a “cowardly organization which is fighting against established power by any means necessary”. I realize this is still confusing, so here are some examples of terrorist organizations: Al Qaeda, Boko Haram, ISIS in Iraq, Kurdish resistance in Turkey, Libyan militias which attacked American consulate in Benghazi. And here are the examples of freedom fighters: Kurdish resistance in Iraq, ISIS in Syria, Libyan militias which attacked Muammar Gaddafi. (Hamas isn’t a part of either list because it isn’t real.)

6) “Apartheid”: a dehumanizing system of racial discrimination and segregation that Israel has established to ensure that Palestinian Arabs living in West Bank have incomparably fewer human rights than Palestinian Arabs living in Israel.

7) “Occupation”: Jewish presence anywhere within 500 miles of Palestine.

8) “Disproportionate response”: any retaliatory action by Israel that unfairly exploits Israeli military superiority. In contrast, a “proportionate response” requires Israel to execute and injure exactly the same number of randomly picked Palestinians for each Jew killed or injured by “crude homemade rockets”.

9) “Peaceful Muslims”: Muslims who do not want to kill Jews and other infidels, but wouldn’t mind if someone else would do that for them.

10) “Genocide”: An act of ruthless and systematic annihilation of ethnic group A by group B which over 60 years leads to quadrupling in size of the ethnic group A.

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10 Activities That Can Land You On Terrorist Watch List

And the best thing about not flying is that you can skip this fun activity. Image source: politico.com

And the best thing about not flying is that you can skip this fun activity.
Image source: politico.com

Many people are afraid to fly – and with all the news about Malaysian Airlines flights and few other recent plane crashes, it seems like flying on an airplane is more dangerous than ever. Thankfully, the US Department of Homeland Security is running a program intended to save thousands people from having to fly ever again, better known as the “No Fly list”. Officially, the No Fly list is based on the list of suspected terrorists, and you may not feel like you could be eligible for this exclusive program. Luckily, according to a recent article, the US government is very generous with the “suspected terrorist” designations, and doesn’t even require concrete facts for you to be added to the terrorist watch list, just a reasonable suspicion. Here are 10 activities that can help you get on the list.

1) Trying to find out if you’re are on the terrorist watch list. Why would an honest person worry about being on a terrorist watch list?

2) Visiting Google.com – because this is the most popular site that terrorists use to find information on how to make bombs.

3) Have a weird Muslim-sounding name. Just watch what happens in 2017 when Barack Hussein Obama can no longer fly Air Force On and has to board a commercial flight back home.

4) Using “there” instead of “their”, “their” instead of “they’re”, and so on: systematically murdering the English language is clearly the first step to murdering those who speak it.

5) Buying fertilizers. Even if you’re not actually buying the chemicals to make explosives or grow weed, then you’re must be trying to grow your own vegetables. However, by growing your own food, you’re undermining the American agricultural industry and sabotaging the US economy as a whole.

6) Carrying a bottle of water: packing objects that are deemed too dangerous to be taken on board of an airplane naturally raises plenty of suspicion even when you’re not actually flying.

7) Taking flight lessons. If you ask the instructor to skip the lesson on how to land a plane, this is an immediate red flag. It’s a double red flag if you do ask the instructor for a lesson on how to land a plane, because you probably just hiding your true intentions.

8) Buying underwear: since someone once used underwear to hide a bomb, all underwear purchases are now closely watched. And no, I don’t mean closely watched by that weird guy hanging out at Victoria’s Secret and pretending to look for something for his non-existent girlfriend.

9) Speaking Arabic. This includes using Arabic words in your conversation or E-mail, for example, words like “algebra”, “chemistry”, “alcohol”, “coffee”, “giraffe”, “jar”, “lemon”, “magazine”, “orange”, “sugar”, or “zero”.

10) Liking and commenting on a list about terrorists. (That’ll teach you not to click “Like” without reading the post.)

Hat tip to eideard.com for the story.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 83 Comments

10 Corporate Policy Changes Following The Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby Decision

In reality, corporations have found God long time ago. There He is, right on the money.

In reality, corporations have found God a long time ago. There He is, right on the money.

This Monday, the United States Supreme Court had decreed that a private company can use the religious beliefs of its owners as a justification for denying certain types of contraception to its female employees. And now that the court finally recognized that private companies are able to hold religious conviction just like regular non-incorporated people, we can expect other companies to become more outspoken about their faith, and to change their policies accordingly. Here are 10 policy changes you can expect from other corporations as a result of the decision.

1) Walmart: “Because our company firmly believes in the wisdom of Biblical verses about slavery, all Walmart workers shall become the legal property of Walmart Corporation.”

2) Aetna Health Insurance: “Any sickness or medical condition must be regarded as God’s will, and as such, any medical treatment for said condition runs contrary to God’s purpose and will not be reimbursed.”

3) Comcast: “When you have called upon our customer service in time of need, and no Technician had come forth between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. as had been prophesied, you shall not doubt the wisdom of our company, but must instead search into your soul and question whether your prayers for His coming had been sincere.”

4) Pfizer, pharmaceutical company: “Our company has adopted the Hindu belief in reincarnation of all living creatures. As a result, any lawsuits alleging that Pfizer products may have caused a patient’s death will now become null and void because Pfizer will no longer recognize the concept of death. In addition, any Pfizer drug warning labels will remove “death” from the list of expected side effects and will replace it with “expedited reincarnation”.

5) Facebook: “Since so many of you come to Facebook to talk about your sins, you must treat the website as a confessional booth, and must not hide any embarrassing or mundane detail in of your life. Our advertisers are immensely grateful to millions of users who have seen the light and embarked on this difficult path already.”

6) United Airlines: “Our company mission is to help all of our clients ascend into Heaven, if only temporarily. And as you cannot bring your earthly possessions into Heaven, any piece of your carry-on or checked luggage will now be required to have its own airplane ticket.”

7) McDonalds: “Our company believes that cow is a holy animal, so from now on please do not expect any actual beef in your Big Macs.”

8) Smith & Wesson, firearms manufacturer: “Since guns enjoy the status of sacred objects in our culture, with some people even worshipping their guns more than their own children, any restrictions on gun sales are tantamount to Congress prohibiting the sales of religious artifacts and clearly violate the First Amendment.”

9) General Motors: “When our company issues a notice for our cars to return to its maker, we will refer to this action as “a rapture” rather than “recall”, and you may consider it a great blessing if one of our rapturemobiles has granted you your personal rapture.”

10) Apple: “Since the court has recognized the personhood of a private company, it is only fair that any current Apple employees leaving to work for our competitors would be condemned as adulterers and shall be punished by stoning.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 71 Comments

10 People Who Are More Qualified To Give Advice On Iraq Than Dick Cheney

Former Vice President Dick Cheney in one of his lighter moments.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney in one of his lighter moments.

In recent weeks, sectarian violence in Iraq had escalated into a full-scale civil war, with Sunni extremist organization ISIS fighting the forces of the Iraqi government, and taking control of the large part of the country. This development brought forward dozens of current and former politicians who in 2003 had passionately advocated for invasion of Iraq, and finally got their golden opportunity to blame Barack Obama for it, as well as for the thousand-year-old Shia-Sunni conflict. Even the former Vice President Dick Cheney who was the main architect of the invasion, came out of hiding at his undisclosed location to criticize Obama for losing the war. Just to remind you, this is Dick “We will be greeted as liberators”, “Saddam Hussein is buddies with Al Qaeda”, “Iraq has weapons of mass destruction”, “It will be a quick war” Cheney, so generously speaking, not the best expert on Iraq. Here are 10 people who would be better experts on Iraq than Dick Cheney.

1) Kim Kardashian: This TV star’s 72-day-long first marriage proves that she is able to set an exit strategy and quickly cut her losses when she sees that things aren’t working.

2) Kanye West: By naming his and Kim’s daughter North, Kanye accurately predicted which exactly part of Iraq would become a hotbed of sectarian violence.

3) LeBron James: This Miami Heat superstar is objective enough to recognize that NBA Finals that went to San Antonio Spurs with the score of 4 to 1 did not constitute a Miami Heat victory.

4) Justin Bieber:  He may be guilty of various crimes, including crimes against humanity (also known as “Justin Bieber’s music”), but he at least knows better to stay away from Iraq during his tours.

5) Bashar al-Assad, dictator: He might be a heartless power-hungry sociopath (or, in other words, Syria’s Dick Cheney), but at least when Assad is talking about weapons of mass destruction, he’s probably not lying.

6) Entire cast of Jersey Shore reality TV show: Unlike Cheney, these beach addicts know a thing or two about the sandy terrain and blistering sun.

7) Dr. Mehmet Oz: He may have pushed questionable solutions to enrich himself, but at least he did not try to justify his schemes as national security interests.

8) Miss Manners: This etiquette expert can tell you that bombing and shelling a country you are visiting is a sign of boorishness and impoliteness, and is unbecoming of a civilized country.

9) Miley Cyrus: Just 15 seconds of any music video of hers is enough to make Shias and Sunnis bridge their differences and agree that all they want to do is to make this stop.

10) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Having adopted several children from different countries, this couple has experience in building successful international coalition.

Since there are approximately 7 billion other people who are more qualified to give expert advice on Iraq and Sunni-Shia conflict, please feel free to suggest your experts.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 107 Comments