10 Reactions To Release Of American Soldier Captured By Taliban

Bowe Bergdahl: the only American soldier captured in Afghanistan, and the only soldier in history that a country wanted to free and then wanted to return to captivity

Bowe Bergdahl: the only American soldier captured in Afghanistan, and the only soldier in history that was hailed as a hero while in captivity, then called a traitor once he was freed.  Image source: Wikipedia

Last weekend, Barack Obama had announced that Bowe Bergdahl, the sole American soldier captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan and held captive for the last five years, has been freed in exchange for five Taliban commanders released from Guantanamo military prison. (There is, apparently, an exchange rate of one Taliban commander for one year in captivity). Normally, a return of an American POW would be a cause for a celebration. Instead, the White House was criticized for negotiating with terrorists, for bringing back a suspected deserter, for not notifying the Congress 30 days before the swap, and so on. Here are 10 other reactions to the prisoner trade and return of Bowe Bergdahl.

1) Hamid Karzai, president of Afghanistan: “Praise Allah, our country has finally established trade relations with the United States!”

2) John Boehner, Republican Speaker of the House: “Barack Obama broke the law by not notifying the Congress 30 days in advance before the swap! This illegal action gave us no ANY time to leak classified information to the media before it was too late! And by the way, Obama keeps breaking another requirement to notify Congress 90 days in advance before he sneezes!”

3) Sloan Gibson, Interim Director of Veterans Affairs Administration: “We’re happy to welcome Sgt. Bergdahl home, but considering VA’s problems with long wait for medical care, we ask him to be very, very patient and prepare to spend next couple years waiting for one of our specialists. In fact, we think that Sgt. Bergdahl would probably receive a speedier medical assistance from the Taliban.”

4) Fox News, Republican PR agency: “Liberals love to point out that George W. Bush released more than 500 prisoners from Guantanamo while Obama released five. What they don’t talk about that it was Obama’s fault anyway – Obama must have convinced Bush to release these detainees so that he could blame Bush for releasing them!”

5) Sarah Palin, unemployed woman with a Facebook account: “Our country does not negotiate with terrorists! Just look at our history, and you’ll see that not a single Founding Father has ever negotiated with the Taliban!”

6) Barack Obama: “We followed our motto ‘Don’t leave a man behind’ and brought Sergeant Bergdahl back. And our country did not break the principle of not negotiating with terrorists, because the Taliban is not designated as a terrorist organization. It’s not like they try to sabotage almost every single government agency, or shut down the government, or leave tens of millions of people without any health insurance.”

7) Chuck Hagel, US Defense Secretary: “‘Don’t leave a man behind’? What ever gave people the idea that our country follows the principle? There’s still 30,000 troops left in Afghanistan.”

8) Pew Research Center: “Based on the results of our recent poll on whether Americans think that Bowe Bergdahl is guilty of treason and should never have been brought home, we have determined that nearly 30% of Americans possess a supernatural ability to tell with absolute certainty whether a person is guilty of committing a crime without actually seeing any evidence or even reading the law.”

9) John McCain, former prisoner of war: “Those Taliban commanders are extremely dangerous and should have never been released! They deserve the most severe punishment imaginable, like housing them on a tropical island and feeding and entertaining them on the taxpayers’ dime!”

10) Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl: “I’m just happy to be home, and… Wait, what are they are saying what about me? Really? And now my family is getting death threats? Well, thanks for reminding me why I wanted to defect in the first place. “

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 60 Comments

10 Pentagon Strategies For Defeating A Zombie Invasion

In related news, Pentagon requested $230 billion to develop a strategic plan to defeat Godzilla.

In related news, Pentagon requested $230 billion to develop a strategic plan to defeat Godzilla.

We live in a dangerous world, and we’re so lucky to have the United States military that worth every penny of that half a trillion dollars it costs every year. Because Pentagon is prepared for not just the foreseeable threats like a North Korean attack, but also for the less unlikely event of zombie apocalypse.  Extraordinary situations call for extraordinary measures, and so it is very likely that Pentagon’s plans for dealing with zombies aren’t conventional either. Here are 10 possible Pentagon’s strategies for fighting a zombie invasion.

1) Make zombies visit the United States Congress. Once they meet our leaders, zombies will quickly realize that if those are supposedly the smartest people in the country, there is little hope for zombies to find any brraaiinnzz elsewhere in America, and they will go back where they came from.

2) Give $10 million to each zombie, and immediately raise taxes to 90%. Infuriated by higher taxes, zombies will immediately move to Canada in protest.

3) Send representatives from American Civil Liberties Union to meet with zombies and tell them that as dead, they are no longer eligible to vote in the elections. This will cause zombies to organize a million zombie protest march to Washington, where they will all listen to the “I have a drreeaamm” speech and demand the end to discrimination. And once all the zombies are all conveniently gathered in the same spot, the military can use one of their bombs they love so much.

4) Allow all private businesses to produce as much carbon dioxide as they want. This will speed up the global warming, melt the Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets, and will raise the sea level, so if zombies will eventually appear, most of them will immediately drown.

5) Outsource American zombie jobs to lower-paid Mexican and Indian zombies imported into the US on the Z-1 visa. American zombies, bitter that immigrant zombies are taking their jobs and stealing their braaainzzz, will lash out at the foreign zombies and will leave the living alone.

6) Recruit an army of school bullies to mock zombies’s physical appearance, unfashionable clothing, and awkward movements. If that doesn’t destroy zombie self-esteem, well, then we at least will have far fewer school bullies, so it’s a win-win.

7) Make zombies get a human-hunting permit at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Frustration and anger caused by standing in lines for hours and dealing with rude DMV employees will make most of the zombies want to re-kill themselves all over again.

8) Remove all restrictions on gun sales, and make it possible for zombies to buy firearms with no restrictions. Because, as the National Rifle Association says, the only thing that can stop an evil zombie with gun is a good zombie with a gun.

9) Unleash the Obamacare’s death panels against zombies (because fictional organizations are the most obvious way to deal with fictional invaders). If death panels turn out to be too fictional, then simply exclude dental coverage from Obamacare. With teeth weakened by lack of decent dental care during their lifetime, zombies will not be able to bite humans, and will not pose much of a threat.

10) Set up a WordPress blog for every zombie. Maintaining their own blogs and reading other zombie blogs will take so much effort, that zombies will have neither the time nor the energy to chase the rest of us. And, judging by some of the bloggers who follow me, that IS the option that Pentagon had picked.

 

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10 Reasons Why “Operation American Spring” Was A Failure

The patriots celebrated when they saw Vice President Joe Biden leaving White House, but it turned out that he was just getting lunch. Photo by Matt Cohen (dcist . com)

The actual attendance looked like this, and you can spot an epic fail even if you do not look closely. 
Photo by Matt Cohen (dcist . com)

This Friday was the day of “Operation American Spring” – a Tea Party rally held simultaneously in Washington and in Nevada to rail against Obama’s tyranny. Of course, yet another Tea Party rally would have been completely unremarkable, had it not been for the fact that event organizers’ promised to bring out 10 to 30 million American patriots, force President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Attorney General Eric Holder, and congressional leaders of both parties to resign from office, all the while non-violently fighting against Obama’s ferocious drone attacks. The actual attendance for the rally, however, was only around a hundred people, no government official actually resigned – the patriots celebrated when they saw Vice President Joe Biden leaving White House, but it turned out that he was just getting lunch. There wasn’t even a single drone attack – all of which marked the event as a dismal failure. Here are 10 reasons why most of the promised 10 to 30 million people never made it to the event.

1)  4,253,203 people thought that clicking “Will Attend” on the Facebook event counts as physically attending the actual event.

2)  672,186 people stayed home because spring is allergy season and they have a severe drone attack allergy.

3)  The event organizers were counting on 666,666 liberals to attend the event to mock the participants of the rally. Unfortunately, the modern technology has given liberals the flexibility of mocking from home.

4)  Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Eric Holder, John Boehner, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Mitch McConnell all said that they couldn’t come to the rally because they have to wash their hair.

5)  129,671 people couldn’t decide between attending the event in Washington or Nevada, so they stayed at home watching Duck Dynasty.

6)  398,810 people suspected that a rally where they would have to show up unarmed is just a sneaky Obama’s trick to get them out of their houses and quietly confiscate their guns while they’re out.

7)  1,599,582 people were truly planning to come out and bravely face the imminent wrath of Predator drones and ruthless jack-booted thugs defending Obama’s tyranny, but stayed home because it was raining on the morning of the rally.

8)  2,122,613 people estimated that the traffic caused by 10 million patriots driving into Washington on the same day would be dreadful (patriots don’t use mass transit because it’s socialist), and no one would probably notice if they didn’t go.

9)  157,024 people were recovering from an apoplectic heart attack caused by the realization that Barack Obama is STILL president!!!

10)  138 of the Tea Party patriots actually had a job to go to on a Friday.

Do YOU have an excuse?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 71 Comments

10 Ways To Prepare To Be American President

Those commie flowers are going to have to go. sorry.

Those commie flowers are going to have to go. sorry.

Last week, one of the Republican Senators was asked if he is ready to run the White House and the country, and the senator confidently responded that yes, of course, he’s ready. It probably doesn’t even matter which senator was it, because other Republican senators would probably give the same answer. While the answer may seem arrogant considering that the job of the American president is extremely stressful and dangerous (with about 9% chance of being killed on the job), preparation for the position is actually not that difficult. Here are 10 things an average Republican senator needs to do to prepare himself for the Oval Office.

1) Make up a “countries to bomb” list. Be generous, but double-check to make sure there are no allies on the list.

2) Write an obligatory “I am a uniter, not a divider” speech and compile an invitation list for reading of the speech consisting of few hundred Republicans and one Democrat (for the purposes of bipartisanship).

3) Ask billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch to provide the list of laws they need to get signed. (This would cover all legislative agenda for the next 4 to 8 years).

4) Locate own birth certificate and write “NOT FAKE” in large red letters.

5) Visit Cancun to brush up on foreign policy experience.

6) Add Cancun to the “Countries To Bomb” list because the food in the all-inclusive resort was atrocious.

7) Make a list of largest campaign contributors, and the list of “Nice But Pretty Much Useless Countries” like Maldives or Luxembourg, and randomly give out ambassadorships to the people on the first list. (Note: Do NOT mix up the “Nice But Pretty Much Useless Countries” list with “Countries to Bomb” list when giving out the ambassadorships, because that would be aaaawkward!!)

8) Find out what the Vice President does exactly, and train a monkey to do his job.

9) Organize a schedule of fundraisers and other events for the re-election campaign starting from the day after the election.

10) Read the books written by predecessors to gain valuable insight, for example, “How Not To Get Impeached” by Richard Nixon (important – read the Second Edition only!), “How To Avoid Assassina…” by William McKinley, and “Playing Dumb To Win: How To Win Elections And Attain Policy Goals By Pretending To Be An Intellectual Peer Of The Average Voter”, by George W. Bush.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 38 Comments

10 Perspectives On Nevada Rancher’s Battle Against The Federal Government

image

Cliven Bundy may not recognize the United States, but he recognizes that the American flag provides a nice shade against the hot Nevada sun.

Somewhere in Nevada, a brave cattle rancher named Cliven Bundy and a ragtag team of supporters repelled the invasion of jack-booted federal thugs who came to steal his cows. That is, if you believe the Fox News’ version of the story. If you prefer more fact-based version, this rancher has used the federal lands for feeding his cattle and hasn’t paid for the land use for decades, until federal agents came to impound Bundy’s cattle for failing to pay over a million dollars – but faced with hundreds of armed and trigger-happy right-wing militants decided that starting a large-scale massacre for a few cows may not be the best course of action at this time. And according to Cliven Bundy, he is within his rights not to pay anything, because he doesn’t recognize the US government, only the state of Nevada, because he has the right to use the land since his family lived in and used the area since 1870’s, and because if his cows were taken from him, the nation would lose 500,000 hamburgers. That’s at least three different perspectives, so to complicate things even further, let me offer 10 more.

1) Leavitt family (which sold their ranch to the Bundy family in 1948): “We thought that Bundy family came to this land when they bought our ranch in 1948, but since Cliven says that Bundys lived here since 1877, we figure he owes us rent for living on our property for 71 year”.

2) Dr. Bill Burr, ophtalmologist: “I’ve worked with Bundy family for years, and unfortunately Mr. Bundy’s vision has deteriorated so much that not only he doesn’t recognize the US government, he no longer recognizes half his family and anyone he owes money to”.

3) Michelle Obama, First Lady/Anti-obesity advocate: “So if federal agents confiscate and sell Bundy’s cows, there’d be more money in the budget and fewer hamburgers on the tables? So wait, what’s the catch?

4) State of Nevada: “It doesn’t matter if Mr. Bundy says that he recognizes our state laws. Even if we did own the land, Bundy would then just say that he doesn’t recognize the state of Nevada, and would only recognize the county authorities”.

5) Mitt Romney, 2012 presidential candidate: “I think I heard something about him. He’s been mooching off the government for years, right? Yeah, he must be one of those freeloading Obama voters who voted against me in 2012″.

6) McDonalds, Inc.: “We ask our patrons not to worry about any potential hamburger shortage. This situation will have no impact on our business, since we haven’t really been using any actual meat in making our hamburgers for decades”.

7) Mr. Bundy’s cows: “We don’t think it’s makes sense for us to pick a side in this conflict between big government and unregulated private enterprise. Either way, we’re just hamburger meat”.

8) Richard Mack, a Bundy supporter: “If the feds were gonna start shooting at us, we’d put our own wives and daughter in front, so that feds would shoot at them. So don’t you be saying that we Republicans have this ‘War on Women’, cause we’re willing to put women first when it matters”.

9) American Vegan Association: “Mr. Mack’s words give us hope. If the most radical conservatives are ready to sacrifice the lives of their own wives and daughters to protect a few cows, it means that the day when we all stop killing and eating animals is not far away”.

10) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “Now that Mr. Bundy declared independence from the United Stated, Russia will take over his ranch as a consequence of a totally legitimate yesterday’s referendum, in which 97% of Mr. Bundy’s cattle voted in favor of joining the Russian Federation”.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , | 76 Comments

10 Reasons Why Florida Will Ban Voters From Using Bathrooms

depends

Adult Depends diapers by Kimberly Clark corporation, official sponsor of the 2014 Florida elections.

If you thought voting was hard, especially in places like Florida where during the 2012 election many voters had to wait in line for several hours, then Florida’s most populous county Miami-Dade just made it even harder. In future elections, voters standing in lines will not be allowed to use the polling place’s bathrooms while waiting for their turn to perform their civil duty. (Yes, I said “duty”.)  Here are 10 reasons why Miami-Dade county has banned voters from using the restrooms.

1)  Voting is your constitutionally protected right. Going to the bathroom is not.

2)  Voters who do make it to the polls after standing in line for several hours without being able to go to the bathroom are expected to complete their voting in about 3 seconds – thus making the voting process much faster for everyone.  And if the lines are still too long, election workers can reduce the lines further by giving out free Ex-Lax samples.

3)  As 2000 election has made clear, Florida voters get easily confused, and may drop their vote in the bathroom stall instead of the voting booth.

4)  After years of Republican efforts to regulate women’s reproductive systems, expanding into regulating everyone’s urinary systems was the next logical step.

5)  Allowing everyone to use the bathroom unfairly discriminated against the people who haven’t eaten in days, and homeless people and anorexic models are two of the largest minority groups in Miami.

6)  People may sneak away to the bathroom and cheat on their ballots by copying each other’s answers.

7)  It’s a good way to weed out all the people with pre-existing medical conditions that require access to a bathroom, because they’re just going to automatically vote for Obama just because Obamacare saved their lives.

8)  Florida is planning to switch to fully electronic voting in all voting precincts, and the pilot program was a success (again, see 2000 election) – except for the pilot polling place’s bathroom where the transition from a paper-based model to a fully electronic one did not go quite so smoothly.

9)  Instead of people standing in one line to vote, there now will be a second line to the bathroom. Having two separate lines will make it impossible to tell who had already voted or who already went to the bathroom, and would encourage both voter and bathroom fraud.

10)  Most polling places are located in schools, and Florida’s election commission decided to respect the established policies in schools which teach abstinence-only bathroom etiquette.

Hat tip to Fifth Column for giving me this unique opportunity to mix politics and bathroom humor.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 97 Comments

10 Reaction To Supreme Court Decision on Campaign Finance

Voting machine for the future elections. Place your votes here,

Voting machine for the future elections. Place your votes here.

Last week, the United States Supreme Court decreed that the limits of $5,200 in campaign donation to a single candidate, and $123,200 to all candidates in an election cycle are unconstitutional because these limits represent a restriction on the constitutionally protected free speech. The decision made it possible to donate up to $3.6 million during an election cycle. I’m sure many of you felt frustrated by the burdensome regulation that prohibited you from donating more than $123,000 to the candidates of your choice… Not many of you? Wait, not even one of you? Well, apparently someone did feel constrained by these few campaign finance restrictions remaining after Supreme Court’s 2010 Citizens United decision that money equals free speech and that corporations are people. Here are 10 reactions to the latest Court’s decision on campaign finance and free speech.

1)  Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: Thank you, Supreme Court! Thank you! Now I know that don’t have to spend $100-$200 billions to prepare for the new Cold War, I just need $10-$20 billions to buy up all the American politicians and win it.

2)  Average Republican voter:  I’m also happy with this decision. I am absolutely, positively sure that whenever a wealthy job creator gives a few million dollars to a Republican candidate, he does so because he genuinely has my best interests in mind.

3)  Susan P. Stein, curator of Thomas Jefferson museum at Monticello:  We have temporarily suspended all tours to the Jefferson family’s burial plot due to the complaints of some strange noises heard there. It sounds like something is rolling underground.

4)  Republican National Committee:  To celebrate the Supreme Court’s decision, we will hold a special Red Thursday sale on all Republican candidates! Perfect for both running errands and for entertaining your dinner guests with their outrageous antics! Get them while supplies last! And don’t miss this amazing deal: 50% off on all used candidates like Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney!

5)  Lawrence T. Elliot, high-profile criminal defense lawyer:  Since the Supreme Court has established that money is speech, I, instead of bothering to argue a criminal case for my affluent clients in court, will just be able to donate a few million dollars to the judge.

6)  Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice: Unfortunately, our decision still left in place most of the restrictions on the free speech. Look, $3.6 million limit per donor is still an infringement on free speech. Asking donors to disclose their donations – certainly an infringement on free speech. And, finally, making it illegal for politicians to promise special favors in exchange for large donations – well, that sounds a lot like free speech infringement to me.

7)  Armed Patriots For White Power, a militia organization:  This was a very encouraging decision, and it gives us hope that today’s Supreme Courts will soon recognize political assassination as a form of protected free speech.

8)  Republican National Committee: We have been trying to eradicate voter fraud from elections since 2008 – and the Court’s decision has finally offered us the solution to the problem of people just not getting our message and still showing up to vote. Why can’t we just have decide the winner of all future elections by whoever raises the most money?

9)  List of X: I was planning to continue this list to 10 items, but then I realized that my standard of writing exactly 10 numbered items is nothing but a restriction on my free speech, and I’m just not going to stand for it.

19,221.61) So there.

On a personal note… Last Friday, my blogging buddy and Galactic Empire stormtrooper TwinDaddy has made my blog a target of his Stuphblog’s Feature Friday series where he spotlights his favorite bloggers. I was both honored and perplexed that I was even considered for this exclusive club – but what floored me the most is that TwinDaddy actually wrote a list of 10 reasons why you should follow List of X. Since I myself can’t think of a single reason why you should follow me, I suggest that you read them in his post. Please don’t forget to check out his entertaining Stuphblog and follow it, because if you don’t, it means that you do not respect TwinDaddy’s right to free speech and hate the Constitution.

Don’t forget to leave a comment – or just send me a check, because, as you know now, money is speech, too.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 101 Comments