In about two weeks, 2014 Winter Olympic Games will begin in Sochi, Russia, and Russian Federation is preparing to host the biggest sporting event of the year – or at least the biggest between the Superbowl and the NBA playoffs. And Russia is taking its job very seriously – so seriously, in fact, that it will import snow from Israel - because, obviously, if there is one thing Russia lacks in the winter, it’s snow. Here are 10 more the ways how Russia is getting ready to host the Olympic Games.
1) Russian police officers are going through extensive training on working with foreigners, so that they’ll be able to ask for a bribe in 12 different languages.
2) Russian authorities released members of punk rock band Pussy Riot and tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky from prison, because several unfinished Sochi Olympic construction projects are behind schedule and urgently require more workers.
3) In response to China’s famous Nest Stadium built for 2008 Beijing Olympics, Russia is building a Nesting Stadium, with a smaller second stadium built within the stadium, then an even smaller third stadium inside the second one, and so on, and so on. (This will also be known as “the Inception stadium”). The Nesting Stadium will be built in this way as a homage to the famous traditional Russian nesting dolls, as well as a homage to Sochi’s ridiculously high real estate prices.
4) Due to Russian security services’ concerns about possible terrorist attacks, all foreigners will be asked to surrender all dangerous items in their possession and leave them in the custody of Russian law enforcement officials until the end of the Games. Dangerous objects will include biathlon rifles, skates, and hockey sticks.
5) The country banned gay propaganda to emphasize the masculinity of the Olympic Games. Because there is absolutely nothing gay about the sporting event that started out as a bunch of naked men running around and wrestling each other. In addition, by passing the anti-gay law, Russia hoped to trick most of the Western athletes into boycotting the Games and dropping out of medal contention.
6) Vodka will be promoted as both the official drink, and the official doping of the Olympics.
7) Russian Olympic committee has ordered sand-and-sand-spreading trucks to make the figure skating rinks safer for the American and Chinese skaters.
8) Russian intelligence services lured Edward Snowden from the United States, hoping to get their hands on the NSA information on how exactly American athletes are training for the Games.
9) Per agreement with Bashar al-Assad, Russia took over all of Syria’s chemical weapons, in case it needs to break up a demonstration.
10) And finally, throughout the previous 500 years, Russia conquered most of the Eurasia’s landmass covered by snow in winter in order to secure enough place for the Russian athletes to practice.