10 Theories Explaining Vladimir Putin’s Disappearance

carputinThere have been some speculation surrounding the fact that the Russian president Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for at least a week, and had canceled all of his recent meetings and appearances. It has been rumored that Putin may have died, or is having serious health issues, and the Russian government has been busy fighting these rumors. According to the Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov, there is nothing to worry about, President Putin’s health is great, and his handshake is so firm that he can break someone’s hand. So here are 10 theories explaining the disappearance of President Putin.

1)  Vladimir Putin accidentally shook his left hand with his right hand and is in a hospital with multiple bone fractures.

2)  He has discovered Netflix.

3)  Olympic gymnast Alina Kabaeva, who is rumored to be Putin’s girlfriend, just had a baby, and a lot of men tend to disappear in this situation.

4)  Putin is undergoing his annual chest hair wax, because it’s almost season for taking shirtless photos.

5)  Vladimir Putin is definitely not fighting in Ukraine, not capturing key Ukrainian cities, and not single-handedly winning defensive victories there.

6)  Vladimir Putin has gone into hiding when the investigators of a recent high-profile murder of the opposition leader Boris Nemtsov have announced that they are close to capturing the killer – to avoid distracting the investigators from their work, obviously.

7)  President Putin had temporarily died and is currently resurrecting himself to officially attain the status of God of Russia. Also, after being reborn as a new man, he will become eligible to run for three more presidential terms.

8)  Vladimir Putin is modeling for the new Where’s Vlado? children’s book series.

9)  Some of Russia’s sovereign debt is overdue, and Putin is hiding from the collection agencies.

10)  As they used to say at the KGB, Russia is a big country; people disappear all the time.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 81 Comments

10 Reactions To Benjamin Netanyahu’s Speech In Congress

President Barack Obama has refused to listen to Benjamin Netanyahu's speech.

President Barack Obama has refused to listen to Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech.

This Tuesday, the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu, made a speech in front of the joint session of Congress criticizing the proposed deal between the United States, Europe, Russia, China, and Iran that is supposed to stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons. The speech became controversial when it was revealed that the Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner invited Netanyahu without even telling the White House about it. Dozens of Democratic lawmakers have boycotted the speech, Barack Obama refused to meet with Netanyahu, and reprimanded him for undermining American diplomatic efforts – and all of that was before the speech even happened. So here are 10 reactions after Netanyahu’s speech.

1)  John Boehner, Speaker of the House: “Criticizing Obama is hard work, and we were happy to outsource it to a foreign worker.”

2)  Isaac Herzog, Netanyahu’s challenger in the Israeli elections: “Since the United States is experiencing an unusually cold winter, we figured you could use some extra hot air.”

3)  Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary: “According to the White House policy, Barack Obama doesn’t meet with any foreign leaders two weeks before their elections because such meeting may interfere with their election results. However, according to the policy, publicly berating these same leaders two weeks before their elections is perfectly okay.”

4)  Ari Harow, Netanyahu’s chief of staff: “We’re glad that President Obama chose not to meet with Mr. Netanyahu before the election. Don’t you remember how many Democratic politicians lost their elections simply because they were associated with Obama?”

5)  Javad Zarif, foreign minister of Iran: “The negotiation talks between Iran and the Great Satan have not been going smoothly, but today both our and American sides have finally reached an agreement on the point that Bibi should just shut up.”

6)  Joseph Clancy, Director of the US Secret Service: “Due to a security lapse, our agents had allowed another fence jumper (a Caucasian male, aged 65-70, approximately 6’ tall) to slip into the Capitol building and make a 40 minute speech in front of Congress before we had apprehended him.”

7)  Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea: “All sides should continue working on a diplomatic solution. If it weren’t for years and years of diplomatic efforts, our country wouldn’t have had enough time to build our own nuclear bombs.”

8)  Sergey Lavrov, foreign minister of Russia: “Yes, this diplomacy thing is great – these talks are the only way West still lets Russian officials go somewhere outside of Russia. However, I must repeat that Russia is not involved in these negotiations, and you have absolutely no proof that we are.”

9) Ashton Carter, US Secretary of Defense:  “We don’t appreciate Prime Minister Netanyahu’s attempts to drag American soldiers into another pointless war.  That’s Pentagon’s job.”

10) Benjamin Netanyahu: “Look, Jews are wonderful people, but for once in my life I just want to go somewhere where I could make a speech without people trying to argue with me every three seconds.”

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 46 Comments

10 Very Special Valentine’s Day Cards

Today is Valentine’s day, the official day of love, and almost everyone sends or receives a Valentine’s day card. And by everyone, I do mean everyone – because no one is immune to love. So I thought it would be great idea to show you the Valentine’s cards from the people and organizations that you wouldn’t normally expect to send Valentine’s Day cards. Here are 10 of these cards.

gays measles

Patriots

Russia

Anthem

Swift

 

Snow

 

 

 

Kim

 

 

 

FoxNSA

All cards created with the help of punchbowl.com.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 77 Comments

10 Reasons Why You Should Never Feed Your Children

The government is meddling too much in our private lives and bullying us around with their food pyramid scheme. What ever happened to that thing called "freedom"? Image source: momdishesitout.com

The government is meddling way too much in our private lives and bullying us around with their food pyramid scheme. What ever happened to that thing called “freedom”?
Image source: momdishesitout.com

Recently, about 100 children became infected with measles in an outbreak, and everyone has been quick to blame the parents who refuse to vaccinate their children. However, I think that the vaccine skeptics’ arguments make perfect sense. I just don’t think that we should be limiting these arguments only to vaccines, and if we’re really serious about keeping our children safe, we should treat even the seemingly innocent things like food with the same amount of healthy skepticism. Here are 10 reasons why you as a parent should never give your children any food.

1)  Food has some scary side effects, and hundreds of people die of food poisoning every year.

2)  There is an established link between food and autism, because 99.95% of children who were diagnosed with autism had eaten food shortly before they were diagnosed.

3)  Food is proven to be less than 100% effective. Oftentimes, you eat the food and you STILL feel hungry later.

4)  You can’t possibly trust the food industry to produce quality food for your child, because they are in it only to make money.

5)  Parents always know better than the doctors what is wrong with their child and how to treat them. I don’t understand how that doesn’t automatically make parents qualified to perform brain surgery on their children.

6)  Your child is naturally perfect and doesn’t need any artificial additives like food to develop. Also, your child’s body has innate reserves helping him or her fight hunger. It’s called “baby fat” – look it up!

7)  There is also this thing called “herd immunity”: if everyone else around you is feeding their children, your child wouldn’t get hungry by eating everyone else’s food scraps.

8)  There are many scary chemicals in food, like dihydrogen monoxide, chlorine, or pentahydroxyhexanal. And products like yogurt are just brimming with all kinds of bacteria.

9)  The medically accepted schedule of feeding a child 4 to 6 times a day is too onerous for a child’s organism to handle. At the very least, meals should be staggered: maybe a breakfast at 6 months, lunch at 1 year, dinner at age 2, supper at age 4, and another booster breakfast at age 5.

10)  Finally, unlike an unvaccinated child with measles, you child can’t possibly infect someone else with hunger simply by touching them.

And remember, since you read this on the Internet, this must be 100% true.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 90 Comments

10 Tips On How To Survive A Snowstorm

snowstorm2Right now, a major snowstorm is pounding Northeast of the United States, with up to 36 inches of snow expected in less than two days. (For those readers who live in the countries with metric system, this is just short of a meter, and for those readers who live in Canada, this is just short of average.) Since this blizzard is expected to be one of the biggest snowstorms of the last few decades, proper preparation is crucial. Here are 10 tips on how to survive this snowstorm.

1)  Stockpile salt, shovels, snacks, stews, sweaters, socks, sleeping bags, snowshoes, skis, and any other stuff starting with the letter “S”.

2)  For your safety, stay off the roads. If you have had any experience driving alongside New York or Boston drivers, you know that this advice is relevant in any weather.

3)  Entertain yourself by using your smartphone and Internet to post status updates and rants on how science is wrong about the global warming and how it has never been even the least bit useful for anything.

4)  Invest in a snow-blower. During the snowstorm, the price of the snow-blowers skyrockets and if you cash in at the right time, you could earn a tidy return on your money.

5)  Stay warm. The best way to stay warm is to be active, and shoveling snow out of your driveway, then jumping out of the way as a passing snowplow pushes the snow right back into your driveway, then shoveling the snow back into the street, and so on, and so on, is a perfect way to stay warm because it will easily keep you active for 30-40 hours or more.

6)  Make sure to stockpile plenty of extra ice for the refrigerator, because if your house loses power, there’ll be no place to get more ice in the middle of a blizzard.

7)  Keep your phone, tablet, and laptop turned off to save the battery for emergencies, and also because no one needs to see your Tweets, Facebook posts, and Instagram photos of snow. And yes, I am aware that no two snowflakes are alike.

8)  Buy plenty of food for your pet. Trust me, you will not regret this when you run out of food before your pet does.

9)  Since it’s now too late to do anything for this snowstorm, make a mental note to properly prepare for the next one.

10)  Suddenly recall this mental note several hours after the start of the next snowstorm.

What about you? Do you have any suggestions or Instagram pictures of pretty snowflakes?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 83 Comments

10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Is Running For President. Again

Mitt Romney's 2016 campaign logo.

Mitt Romney’s 2016 campaign logo.

The 2016 election campaign has unofficially began, and several prominent politicians have been strongly hinting that they are going to run for president in 2016. Surprisingly, one of the people who decisively kicked of the “I’m-thinking-about-considering-the-launch-of-the-exploratory-process-of-starting-the-research-committee-to-evaluate-the-possibility-of-potential-involvement-in-a-presidential-run” game was the 2012 presidential contender Mitt Romney, one-term governor of Massachusetts and a lifelong one-percenter. This would be Romney’s third attempt, and he is planning to make poverty the focus of his campaign. Here are 10 reasons why Mitt Romney is running for president again.

1)  Retirement is boring, and there doesn’t seem to be anything good on Netflix.

2)  Mitt’s wife Ann had already bought some really nice curtains for the Oval Office in 2012, and it would be a shame to waste them.

3)  Romney’s chances are much better in 2016 because unlike the last time, practically no one will vote for Barack Obama in 2016.

4)  According to Fox News, it’s only because Romney didn’t become president that ISIS even exists, and if Romney were to run the country, ISIS would instantly disappear. If you don’t believe me, consider this: today Mitt Romney owns five or six houses, and there’s no ISIS in any of them.

5)  Romney’s campaign theme of poverty reflects the fact that his own wealth dipped and a $400,000 presidential salary could really come in handy when paying off five different mortgages.

6)  Mitt Romney would do all he can to help oil and coal companies and other CO2 producers, and right now, in the middle winter, global warming is starting to sounds like a pretty good idea.

7)  His frequent flyer miles will expire unless he flies 1,000,000 miles by November 2016.

8)  Compared to other campaign favorites Hillary Clinton (wife of president Bill Clinton) and Jeb Bush (brother of president George W. Bush), Mitt Romney does seem like a fresh new face.

9)  Having already run multiple presidential campaign gave Mitt useful campaigning experience which will be even more valuable in 2016 – and even more valuable in 2020, 2024, 2028, 2032, 2036, and any future elections.

10)  During his campaign, Mitt Romney promised to bring unemployment rate to 6% by 2016. If he managed to bring it down to 5.6% today while not even being elected, imagine how much further he could lower the unemployment rate if he were elected?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

10 Reactions To Charlie Hebdo Terror Attack

This Islamic prophet asked to remain anonymous, ashamed of the things that radicals do in his name. Original image source:  Jyllands-Posten

This Islamic prophet had asked to remain anonymous, ashamed of the horrible things that radicals do in his name.
Original image source: Jyllands-Posten

Last week, a couple of Islamic extremists attacked the headquarters of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo and killed 12 people in retaliation for publishing cartoons mocking prophet Muhammad – because Islamic teachings prohibits any images of Muhammad, and every person on Earth, Muslim or not, is apparently, expected to follow this rule. Few recent terrorist attacks have been as high-profile and as controversial as this one, and here are 10 of the reactions to the attack on Charlie Hebdo magazine.

1)  Rush Limbaugh, amateur Islamologist: All Muslims must apologize for this heinous act! Just follow the lead of Barack Obama – he’s obviously a Muslim and he goes on apology tours all the time!

2)  Anjem Choudary, Muslim cleric: Once again, the West must keep in mind that Islam is a religion of peace. Which means that unless you accept Islam, don’t expect any peace, either.

3) National Rifle Association: This wouldn’t have happened if everyone had been armed. The good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun. The right to own a gun and defend yourself is a sacred right of every American. Ermmm… sorry, what were you asking about?

4) CNN: Our organization made a decision that re-publishing Charlie Hebdo’s cartoons of prophet Muhammad is not consistent with our journalistic standards. Our journalistic standards require that we don’t offend anyone with our reporting, so from now on CNN will only be publishing pictures of kittens and puppies.

5) Prophet Muhammad: Oh yeah, absolutely, any image of me is a big no-no. I’m telling ya, even my iPhone wouldn’t even let me take a selfie!

6) Ayatollah Khamenei, Islamic leader of Iran: This is all the fault of Western cartoonists who defame our beloved Prophet. Why don’t moderate Western cartoonists stand up and denounce the actions of the radical cartoonists?

7) Philippe Perron, director of France’s Prison Administration: We’re a little upset that the terrorists who attacked Charlie Hebdo weren’t captured alive, because we had already prepared a perfect lockup to hold them – a cell in which every wall is covered with cartoons of prophet Muhammad.

8) Fox News: Why didn’t Barack Obama show up at a Paris rally supporting Charlie Hebdo? Why hasn’t he ordered to bomb France as soon as he heard that Charlie Hebdo is under attack? Why did it take him a whole of fifteen minutes to call this attack an act of terror?? What is he hiding? And most importantly, why hasn’t Obama resigned over his role in this attack yet????

9) Pope Francis: People cannot insult the faith of others! And because Islamic faith finds images of any prophet offensive, I’ve asked all churches to take down all images of Jesus, Moses, Abraham, and anyone else Muslims might someday find insulting.

10)  Ben Affleck, actor and Islamophobia-phobe: These terrorists are not representative of Islam at all! 99.99% of Muslims are peaceful, and millions of them are probably showing up all over the Middle East to protest against the Charlie Hebdo murders done in the name of Islam… wait, no one showed up?  See, that just means these peaceful Muslims are so peaceful that they abhor any kind of confrontation, even one as innocent as a protest!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 65 Comments