Mayan calendar: A detailed view of the calendar fragment on the right reveals a fiscal cliff (green arrow) and a Twinkie (blue arrow).
The end of the world is near! Seriously, how could the world not be ending? Mayan calendar predicted end of the world on December 21, 2012, the economy is about to go over the fiscal cliff, Barack Obama was re-elected to destroy America and freedom, Greece is close to burying the European Union under its debt, and Twinkies are no more. It’s clear that human civilization is doomed, but here are 10 ways you can prepare yourself and your family to survive after the civilization collapses.
1) Buy and store plenty of food. The stench of spoiled food will keep away any intruders.
2) Make sure your food cache has plenty of non-perishable food as well. That way, any intruders courageous enough to brave the stench will not leave unrewarded.
3) Store plenty of duct tape and rope. Those intruders will need something to tie you down with while they are stealing your food.
4) Because food will be scarce, you must train yourself to eat everything. Your ultimate goal is to be able to eat garbage. A good place to begin your training is your nearest McDonald’s.
5) Dig an underground shelter. However, make sure to call the municipal utilities before you dig, so that you don’t accidentally cut the cable that supplies the electricity and Internet to the entire North America. It is good to be prepared for the collapse of civilization, but you don’t want to be known as the one who caused it.
6) Plug the bathtub and fill it with water. Sure, you will not be able to take a shower until the eventual end of the world and soon will smell horribly, but then you will be the only clean one after the the end of the world. Also, you will be able to recognize others who are following the same survival technique, and you will know where to find duct tape and food.
7) Teach self-defense and archery to your children. There is a good training video out on DVD called Hunger Games. Make sure you teach them well, but not too well, because one day they may turn against you.
8) Learn how to beg. Start practicing today. Just 20 minutes a day three times a week will sharpen that absolutely necessary skill, so that when the end comes, you will be better positioned to compete beg for the scarce resources.
9) Pay off all your debts, starting with ones with the highest balances. After all, you don’t want your creditors to find themselves without your money in case of the economic collapse.
10) Learn to survive in the wilderness – knowing which berries and mushrooms are edible and which are poisonous is very useful. On the other hand, if you eat a poisonous mushroom by accident, you won’t have to worry about surviving after the end of the world.
Don’t hesitate to share your tips. Of course, it is perfectly understandable if you don’t want to do that, because keeping your survival plans from others greatly improves your own survival chances.
List of X 
And, since the world hasn’t seen this kind of excitement since the invention of sliced bread, if you survive, make sure you print more Mayan calendars with random dates (those are the only kind majority of the people will believe in for doomsday prophecies) and keep discovering them one per quarter, to keep the excitement going.
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I like that idea. Will people cope with the boredom of three whole months between domesdays, though?
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Watch Fox News. On Fox, the world is ending every minute of every day. Find out how – right after the commercial break!
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Oh yes. Good old Fox (!)
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By the way, it would be interesting to see the people’s reaction if a new reading of Mayan calendar revealed that it’s not the end of the world, but the end of sliced bread. And I would not worry about Mayan calendar being wrong: there is also an Aztec calendar, Inca calendar, Babylonian calendar, etc., so there are probably more ends of the world coming.
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Number 5 was pure genius.
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Thank you. I always hope that I remember to include at least one genius line in the list.
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Sweet! One of your best!
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Thank you! Feel free to print this out and use it for reference, or for starting a fire.
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I’m going to make a lot of appetizers and sit and watch National lampoons Christmas vacation. I think that is a fitting end. Or Brian’s Life with the Monty Python boys. Or star wars–all of em. hummm
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All Star Wars, even the prequels? Or are you planning to start with the first three and hope that the world will end before the arrival of Jar Jar Binks? 🙂
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Very good point on number 5. I was just planning on digging whereever the ground is soft, but now that you mention it I really don’t want to be known as one of the Horsemen. I’ll give utilities a call.
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Yes, you should definitely call then and ask them to connect you the the Apocalypse Prevention department.
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I’m still romping around in your pre-Bernadette existence..Before I ever knew you existed & likewise..#4 is my fave..The funny thing? I recall backintheday when MickeyDs was actually good food & not garbage. Or is it the same food but my perspective was different when I was a little girl? When exactly does our viewpoint on things change? I say that because when I was much younger; my Daddy did a tour in England. 4 year hitch(he was in the Air Force) The thing my bro and I miss the most while in England? I’m shamed to admit this..McDonalds! Imagine how excited we were when we discovered a MickeyDs in London. OMG we drove over an hour to go get some..and it tasted like heaven. How times change or is it us that change or DID the food change that MickeyDs serves?
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You’re playing catch up with my post, and I’m still playing catch-up with your comments 🙂
Because I did not grow up in the USA, I’ve missed on such childhood experiences of watching McD ads, going there with my parents, and thinking that its food is so great. Without these pre-conceptions, I only saw McD as a place where you can quickly get some below-average food.
Though just before I left my home country, a Macdonalds opened it’s first restaurant there, and it was a very classy and trendy place to go to, being the first McD in the country, with huge lines and excellent service – but because of these huge lines I never made it.
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Ahhhhh ok, got it. Though I’d never guessed you weren’t native American. That makes you even more interesting. Cool!
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