For several months, Senate has been working on a bill to reform the immigration system and is now getting ready to vote on it. While Republicans aren’t exactly excited about giving out American citizenship to anyone other than older white Christian males, many of them still wish that the reform happens and helps improve the GOP’s reputation among the fast-growing Hispanic voter block. So here are 10 Republican proposals to reform immigration.
1) Because the immigrants should have a path to citizenship, but not a blanket amnesty, the reform will offer young immigrants a way to win American citizenship via a Hunger Games-like contest.
2) Employers who have hired undocumented workers will punished by fines and having to hire only American workers from now on.
3) The Republican Party will try to reach out to Latino voters by rephrasing the party message so that it will resonate with Hispanics. Speaking of which, how do you say “get the hell back to your damn country” in Spanish?
4) People who want to live in this country must learn English. This means that those people who still don’t know the difference between “There”, “They’re”, and “Their” will be rounded up and deported. Their have been warned.
5) The path to citizenship should not be a cakewalk. Instead, anyone who wants to become a citizen should have to jump through hoops and hurdles – because our country only needs the immigrants who are physically fit.
6) For the guest worker program, United States Citizenship and Immigration Service will streamline the issuance of work permits and hang-around-the-water-cooler-and-surf-the-Internet-all-day permits.
7) To reverse the flow of illegal immigrants from Mexico, fence posts on the border will be equipped with “Bienvenidos a Mexico!” signs facing south.
8) Homeland Security should step up surveillance and deportations of the groups that are likely to be involved in violent terrorist acts. Judging by recent shootings in Newtown, Aurora, and Arizona, we should begin by deporting white Americans.
9) To protect the border, Border Patrol will need to hire 50,000 new agents. However, since the agency’s budget had been cut as a part of sequester, the agency won’t be able to afford to pay even the minimum wage to new hires – which will ensure that the number of undocumented workers in the country will immediately drop by 50,000.
10) Since the United States attracts immigrants simply by being one of the richest and most tolerant countries in the world, we can remove the incentive to immigrate to the US by making the country poorer and more bigoted.