Edward Snowden spent years perfecting his “whistle-blower in a headlight” look. (Photo credit: ABCNews.com)
Edward Snowden, the famous Booz Allen Hamilton national security contractor turned whistle-blower has been living in the transit zone of a Moscow airport for the last few days. During this time, he has been busy applying for political asylum to nearly every country on the planet, and it hasn’t been going too well. Although Snowden is still waiting to hear back from Narnia, Westeros, and Utopia, many countries have already refused to grant political asylum to him. Here are 10 of the countries that refused to accept Snowden.
1) Russia: the country would not be a welcoming place for a leaker, because Russia’s freezing climate makes any leaking activity practically impossible.
2) Greece: the European Union refused to provide additional bailout money to pay the officials to review and approve Snowden’s asylum application.
3) Vatican: the Roman Catholic Church officially declared that they do not provide asylum to people accused of treason and espionage. However, the Church noted that it would be willing to reconsider its decision if it turns out that Edward Snowden is also a pedophile and a child molester.
4) North Korea: the country won’t be admitting any whistle-blowers, because no one needs to know that North Korean missiles are actually made of cardboard and powered by pushing really hard.
5) Nigeria: the country received a request from someone claiming to be a high-profile international fugitive requiring their urgent assistance for moving into their country and promising generous compensation from his financial backers, and, naturally, deleted Snowden’s message as spam.
6) Mexico: if America doesn’t want their illegal immigrants, Mexican government sure doesn’t want any illegal Americans either.
7) Switzerland: the country is committed to maintaining neutrality in all international matters and will not consider Snowden’s asylum application. However, the Swiss offered their help in hiding Snowden’s $200,000 salary from the US taxes.
8) Saudi Arabia: with Snowden’s pale skin and his propensity for showing his face everywhere, he will most likely get sunburned and/or kidnapped by their American allies.
9) India: why would they need this overpaid American security leaker when they can find five qualified and trained local associates to leak state secrets for half the cost?
10) United States: due to Snowden’s treason and espionage against the US, he could never be granted political asylum by the United States government. However, Booz Allen has a shortage of qualified national security contractors, and would be willing to offer Mr. Snowden a temporary work visa.
List of X 
Ha ha….Nigeria was very strong.
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If anybody knows how to tell a scam, it’s them.
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I agree, I loved that one!
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Haha! Yeah, I’m sure Utopia and Narnia would be great options, but I”m not sure about Westeros – he’d most likely get his head chopped off. I hear that’s what happens on that show – I’m too lazy to try to watch and keep up with the whole thing. Maybe Snowden can shack up with that Wikileaks guy and they can hero-worship each other.
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I heard it’s the mix of people getting their heads chopped off and having sex (not in this order). But I think Westeros may have a slightly better civil rights record than China, which was apparently Snowden’s first choice.
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Maybe the planets Krypton or Vulcan will take him, though he may lack the necessary special skills.
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You don’t need any special skills to get blown up with the rest of the planet.
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Good point.
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Ouch!@#3..I am a practicing & very active Catholic..Bad apples in all groups of anything..But thats another topic for another time..Just had to add my 2 cents first..Anyways something about this Snowden dude is highly suspect..He gets discharged from the Army after only a few months; yet can command 6 figure salaries shortly thereafter?!? Hmmm even though I was a dead ringer for the character in the movie “Private Benjamin”(remember Goldie Hawn in that movie? I was worse…) I could still make it through boot camp(I lost almost 20 lbs though; and I was already a light weight) & my entire enlistment..Something is just very funky smelling about what I’ve heard so far..Though I admit I’ve been so caught up on this end; I might have missed alot of things that could’ve given me clarity. IF he’s so smart; why didn’t he have a place lined up to go beforehand? He had to know his “news” wasn’t going to be well received..
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First of all, happy belated birthday – I kept seeing the countdown on your blog, kept meaning to congratulate you on the right day – and still managed to forget! Sorry!!
I’m not sure myself what to make of Snowden. Seems like he’s a wannabe hero with an ego just little too big, and probably assumed that every country would welcome him with open arms. Sort of like the US going into any war…
I don’t know why exactly Snowden was discharged from the Army, but it could be because a few months into the service, he discovered that the Army’s purpose was to kill people.
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Awww thank you my blogging friend..Its all good..I’m just glad I only turn 50 once! The countdown seemed to last forever & the anticipation had me so amped up..Even more than my natural amped up/excited state. I posted pics from that night in my 2nd to last blog post… As for the Army’s purpose …I was glad to serve my country YET also glad as women we could NEVER be on the front lines..It was the only time in my life I didn’t care that women aren’t equal to men. Real talk for real..Training to shoot an M16? Bruised my shoulders & my arms..I’m tender! And even though I ‘m trained to shoot one; I never could’ve imagined myself using it for anything other than training. I’d NOT hurt a fly. However, I did get what I went in for = College education . But I agree the jury is still out on my end regarding Snowden…
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Well, to be fair, Snowden’s letter to Nigeria violated about fifty rules of Standard Nigerian English grammar. So of course they thought it was spam.
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And, of course, it’s totally Snowden’s fault for breaking so many grammar rules: after all, he has been tracking all these Nigerian spam e-mails at his last job and should know very well how to write them.
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Funny, although the Catholic part made me cringe a bit ( I’m a practicing Catholic )… I wish he’d just go away….Chris Hayes and Alex Wagner of MSNBC will keep him aliive… and totally heroic, that’s for sure. ( Chris Hayes is really pissing me off already. )
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Edward Snowden agrees with you that he should go away, but the problem is that no one wants to take him.
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#4 be very funny…
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Thank you!
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Haha! #3 was bold but worth including. I pray, make that wish, for a day when many realise that you do not need to be part of a morally corrupt organisation to be a decent human being. In fact it can help achieve the opposite in many circumstances. That’s Ape’s rant for the day.
Funny stuff as always X.
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Thank you. That’s why I don’t belong to any morally corrupt organizations. Which makes them say that they’ll pray for me, and that I’ll go to hell – sometimes in the same sentence.
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LOL, Nigeria! Classic 🙂
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Thank you! I take it you have the same problem with those letters in Brazil. But I have to wonder – in Brazil, do you have to know English to get scammed?
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Easy picking’s in Brazil… people are terribly gullible.
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More gullible than in the US, the homeland of the Tea Party?
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When it comes to religion and politics, sadly yes. It’s happy hunting grounds for American-style evangelicals, and populist politics will win national elections.
Hey X, Sista $arah Palin might be running for the Senate. It’s comedy gold! I smell a list coming 🙂
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If she ever makes up her mind, there just might be a list.
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Number 3! Ha!
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Not a Catholic, I reckon…
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Pfft. You read my blog. Do I seem to have religious tendencies to you?
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No, but there are people who are religious but don’t feel the need to shout the Bible verses from the rooftops.
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There are?
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Haha! Nigeria, Mexico, and India were the best. India probably has tones of guys who are better trained than Snowden. What do they need him for? But what about Venezuela? Certainly any enemy of the US is a friend of Chavez. Nope, with their strong oil exports buoying the country, they don’t need any known leaks.
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Venezuela has practically given an asylum to Snowden. Though, since Chavez died and they have a new president, Snowden might be unsure if the new guy will be just as anti-American as Chavez.
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Given I work in IT and haven’t worked in a full time job in nearly 10 years, well you must know #9 is my favorite.
All are great though.
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Thank you. I don’t work in IT, but close enough to have plenty of personal experience with #9.
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Number 3 almost killed me…
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I’m almost sorry!
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That was almost funny… Ha!
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I almost killed you with the post, I am not taking any more chances with being even the least bit funny.
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Now that is funny. And you never have to be funny again. The pressure is off.
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If I’ll never be funny again, I’ll blame you for taking the pressure off.
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If you are funny and I die, I will hold you responsible.
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Fair enough.
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I got my eye on you.
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Your sunglasses, you mean?
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I think we have already established why I have to wear them.
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Oh yeah, who could forget that poem…
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Exactly.
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4 made me laugh out loud!
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Thank you!
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I’m beginning to think that that bank account information I sent to my Nigerian New BFF may have been a bad idea. Is there something I’m not aware of? I expect to be very rich soon.
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I hope this works out for you and you become filthy rich. That way, you could try out this job creator thing your favorite Republicans talk so much about.
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He really should go to the Vatican. He’s already fucked. (Lapsed Catholic here. Yeah, I’m damned. But they hid child molesters for 2000 years. Nope, I’m not going to recant. The Earth DOES revolve around the sun.)
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I thought the Church was only hiding child molesters for the last 50 years, but maybe they were doing a much better cover up job for the 1900 years before that.
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I think that maybe they were there all along but they only started actively hiding them more recently.
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Snowden has certainly earned his place in the history books, hasn’t he?
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Yes, and not just in the history books, but probably also on the CIA’s drone kill list.
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I’ll print off this list and keep it with me whenever I’m tempted to leak.
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You might want to print out this list on a paper towel, so that you could clean up the leak if it happens anyway.
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Haha. I am Nigerian and I know that if our president had given him asylum,America has nothing on what Nigerian citizens would have done to him (the president). I actually for a second thought Russia would give him Asylum.
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Russia already gave Snowden a temporary asylum, so until they kick him out, he should be all set. But wait, what would Nigerian citizens have done to Snowden? Has he leaked Nigerian state secrets too?
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Really??!! I stopped following the story some time ago. So Russia gave him Asylum? hmm.
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