An optimist would see this glass as half full, while a conservative would see this as a nanny state dictating how Americans should live their lives. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Last week, the First Lady Michelle Obama rolled out “Drink Up”, a new public health campaign aimed to convince Americans to drink just one more glass of water a day, and it didn’t take long for conservatives, most prominently Rush Limbaugh, to criticize Michelle Obama for promoting water. And, of course, all this criticism was absolutely not because conservatives reflexively oppose any idea might be suggested by anyone named “Obama”. No, there are, in fact, many perfectly legitimate reasons for conservatives to hate water. Here are 10 of them.
1) Water is a primary ingredient of most liberals, making up 60% of an average liberal by weight. (This is not true for conservatives, who are composed of 60% Bible and 40% Constitution.)
2) Water is a weapon of terrorism. According to the TSA, a bottle of water can take out an entire airplane.
3) Water is a slippery slope to… Well, any slope becomes slippery once you add water on it.
4) Talking about more water can lead to talking about rising sea levels, and talking about sea levels leads to discussion of global warming.
5) That lazy liquid couldn’t take get off its ass to finish encircling the southern border of the United States, and left a long land border with Mexico which illegal Mexican immigrants can easily cross.
6) Water is one of the pillars of the much maligned metric system – water’s freezing point and melting point is the basis for Centigrade temperature scale, and kilogramm was defined in the 18th century as the weight of one liter of water at the temperature of melting ice. (Those damned 18th century liberals with their global warming again!)
7) Water refuses stand its ground, and if you drop your gun into in, water will take away your gun.
8) Tap water, pumped, filtered and delivered by your local municipal water company, serves as another unwelcome reminder that a government can do its job just as well as a private business.
9) According to the theory of evolution, first living organisms appeared in water, not the Garden of Eden.
10) And the scariest of all: chemical formula of water is “H2O”. Barack Obama’s initials: “BHO”. Moreover, “B” is the 2nd letter of the alphabet. Coincidence? I think not.
List of X 
“Water will take away your gun.” This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Just perfect.
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Thank you! And it’s true, too. Worse still, your gun is totally useless when you have to defend yourself against water.
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Perfect!
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Thank you!
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~lol~ love number 10. There’s something in that, we better watch out.
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There is definitely a conspiracy afoot. OMG… I just remembered that Barack Obama was also born on an island – a bit of land surrounded by WATER!
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Reblogged this on Semi-Partisan Sam and commented:
The humour blog List of X has an amusing commentary on the conservative backlash against the First Lady Michelle Obama’s attempts to encourage the US population to drink more water for the benefit of their health. Because the dang government has no place telling us what to eat and drink, even if it does prevent us from ballooning to 300 pounds in weight and needing an electric scooter to help us with our weekly Wal-Mart shop…
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Thank you for the re-blog! Of course, it’s an outrage that Obama administration would try to prevent people from getting fat – that would cut into profits of McDonalds, Wal-mart, and whoever makes these scooters.
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Don’t forget, if you drop your gun in water and it freezes it is totally useless for hours. What next?
I love #5
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But if you were holding a gun when the water around it froze, it will be much, much harder for the government to pry it from your very cold hands.
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You have a point, unless they just pick up a sledgehammer and shatter every damned bit of it; ice, gun and hand. 😉
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I refuse to even try to leave a clever comment because this post was so insanely, perfectly clever. Seriously. My favorite list yet. (And that’s saying something!)
#4 killed me.
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Thank you! And you’re in luck, because I have the ready-made clever comment for this post you could use: “This post made me spit out my water!”
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Absolutely effing brilliant. I started laughing with #1 and continued through the list. Brilliant!
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I would think that as a chemistry professor, you are familiar with all those properties of water already 🙂
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Haha! I was laughing straight out of the starting gates with #1.
Technically Michelle’s advice is showing care for other’s health and apparently that is not a popular thing amongst some circles.
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I think Michelle Obama’s showing care counts as “Obamacare”, and you know how much conservatives dislike it.
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And I suppose Obama can not even propose a diluted version of his health care system as this implies the addition of water.
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Wasn’t the backlash against Michelle Obama over that ridiculous? Should make one thump their head, no matter where they fall on the political spectrum.
Loved these! Especially #5 and #7. Very clever. 🙂
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It was ridiculous – but at the same time, so very predictable. Just like night follows day, we can count of Republican outrage to follow anything Michelle or Barack do.
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That’s my favorite slippery slope argument ever.
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Thank you, but did you know that using slippery slope arguments is a slippery slope to total chaos?
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That’s pretty much the synopsis of my autobiography.
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I know, right? Water is so overrated.
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Absolutely. Water is tasteless, odorless, colorless – plain vanilla is a festival of aroma and color compared to water.
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Who needs it?
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Republicans need it, actually: for fracking and agriculture that they support so much. It must be a love-hate relationship.
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Those guys…
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I keep saying that nothing ever surprises me anymore. Trouble is I keep saying it.
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…and they keep surprising you? But that’s not necessarily a bad thing – as long as we still have the ability to get surprised, our brains remain young. So we should thank Bachmann, Gohmert, Cruz, etc., for keeping us in shape.
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XD
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What? You said that conservatives are “composed of 60% Bible and 40% Constitution” — and all the while I thought they were sugar and spice and everything nice. I’m going to have to rethink my political leanings now.
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It could well be “sugar and spice and everything nice”: sugar causes diabetes, spice can cause hypertension, and I bet “everything nice” has to be according to the Old Testament definitions.
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It really is a slippery slope. Today she’s telling us to drink water; it’s just a matter of time until she tells us to breathe air.
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Yes, I can already envision the protest signs “Get Your Government Out Of My Lungs!”
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Love it, Love it! Conservatives really are suckers, apparently. I think conservatives should just boycott water. I mean never drink it again. That’ll teach those nasty ol’ liberals!
Some more reasons: The US enemies Iran and N. Korea are near water, so we should avoid it. Water has been closely linked with DHMO, a toxic substance: http://www.dhmo.org/truth/
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This Dihydrogen Monoxide sounds like something that liberals should be afraid of. (and yes, I know what it is, and remember E-mails and Youtube clips asking people to ban it 🙂
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I remember when a friend first showed it to me. So hilarious. The MSDS really gives it away. Apparently a city in California banned styrofoam cups because DHMO was used in it’s production. They later had to face the embarrassment.
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#1. This whole thing is dynamite, but #1. Hoo-ha!
“These pretzels are making me thirsty!”
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Hee hee – you can’t quote Seinfeld in a French area of Canada in English… and you’re probably wearing some sort of head scarf and a uniform.
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Water you talking about?
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hee hee
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I can’t quote Seinfeld anywhere, and I don’t wear a head scarf or a uniform. Beware – there are more of us than you think.
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I heard that most Canadians are 60% water, too. This must be some kind of socialist thing. And I don’t know much about pretzels, but they too must be some kind of commie buns, otherwise why would one of them attack President Bush in 2001?
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Freakin’ BRILLIANT! Those damn water-liberal drink-it-alls
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Thank you. Yes, liberals are gullible like that, drinking scary stuff like H2O just because the government told them it’s safe.
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Well, I’m just going to drink the water from Mexico in retaliation.
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You mean Corona? 🙂
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Actually, it is a running joke at the Bell Desk that I hate to drink water, but I love this post! Your insights are brilliant and I only wish politicians everywhere were forced to view them daily.
What a world that would be….
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Thanks, Robert. It would be great if all politicians had to read my blog daily (the stats would be through the roof!), but I’d settle for them actually doing their jobs. But, I guess, that was too much to ask.
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Just wanted to go over a few things concerning the following and put my two cents worth in: Reference: “. . .1) Water is a primary ingredient of most liberals, making up 60% of an average liberal by weight. (This is not true for conservatives, who are composed of 60% Bible and 40% Constitution.) – – – I wanted to say I think Conservatives are composed of equal parts of Bible, Constitution, Alcohol – -(Read: “Cheap Beer) – – and Bull Manure.
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Cheap beer is about 95% water, so I guess conservatives can’t really avoid containing water either.
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🙂 🙂 🙂
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If you drink water, you’ve caved to the liberals. Drink more beer, I say, which has water in it, but is fortified against liberalism with hops. Plus, you get drunk. All around win.
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You may be able to avoid drinking water, but what about personal hygiene, showers, beaches, watering plants? Water has us by the throat, especially when we are taking a bath.
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I will never look at water the same way again…ever!
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Good. Water won’t fool you anymore with its innocent transparent look.
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How did I miss this one? Hahaha. 60 percent Bible, 40 percent Constitution, yup, perfect.
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Thanks – and I think it can easily go to 90%-95% Bible content in some people.
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