As as result of the Washington bridge traffic scandal, the “Bridge Closed” road sign has been redesigned.
Last week, the story broke that several top aides of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had organized a closure of two of the three lines of the George Washington bridge connecting New Jersey’s town of Fort Lee and Manhattan, thus causing biggest traffic delays since the one that kept dinosaurs from making it to the Noah’s Ark on time. The closures were justified as a traffic study, but now it’s widely believed that the closures were ordered by Governor Christie as a punishment for Fort Lee’s Democratic mayor Mark Sokolich, for not endorsing Chris Christie’s gubernatorial candidacy. However, Chris Christie had stated at a press-conference that he had nothing to do with the traffic delays, and the blame should lie elsewhere. When I expressed doubts, the governor had convinced me with a simple logical argument that sounded something like “A nice blog you got here, it would be a shame if something bad happened to it”. So, because governor Christie is obviously not to blame, here are 10 people and organizations who are really at fault for the Washington bridge traffic jams.
1) Fort Lee’s Mayor Mark Sokolich: The traffic jams are totally his fault, because had he endorsed Governor Christie, none of this would have happened.
2) Big And Tall clothing franchise: By falsely implicating Governor Christie in a scandal, the chain had received millions of dollars worth in free advertising for their suits.
3) New Jersey Port Authority: Conducted a traffic study to determine whether traffic jams could persuade a Democratic mayor to endorse a Republican governor.
4) GreenPeace: Closed the bridge to encourage people to switch to more ecologically friendly mass transit.
5) Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: While under influence of drugs, hallucinated that he’s the mayor of Fort Lee, and then ordered to close the bridge to Manhattan, saying, “we’re not even near Manhattan – why the hell do we need a bridge to Manhattan for?”
6) President Barack Obama: Caused traffic delays to distract attention from Obamacare. Also, according to the super-secret Fox News research, Obama also hired the Obamacare website developers to build the intentionally faulty bridge in 1931.
7) Americans for Tax Reform (an anti-tax organization): Attempted to relieve the tax burden on New Jersey commuters by having them pay the toll at only one toll booth instead of six.
8) ExxonMobil, Inc.: Artificially created traffic gridlock to keep hundreds of thousands of cars running and burning gas for extra few hours, so that the company could sell more gasoline.
9) Occupy Wall Street: Instead of idly sitting around Wall Street and watching the bankers destroy the economy, they finally proactively blocked the Washington bridge so that the bankers couldn’t even get to their offices.
10) United States Congress: Are there any other words that pop up in your mind when you hear “Washington” and “gridlock” in the same sentence?
List of X 
Excellent in-depth reporting that will no doubt turn the heat up. Probably in Canada. And I have to say, I don’t think Beyonce should be above suspicion. Rumor has it that recycling trucks filled with copies of her new CD dumped their loads in two of the tunnels, causing panicked commuters to pile into the third tunnel to avoid what many called “a terrifying stench.”
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Is her new CD that bad? If it is, maybe Beyonce should record her album on rewritable CD’s, so that they could be used for something useful after listening first couple of songs, instead of being dumped in the trash.
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Hahaha! I’m sure her recording label would agree!
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The real culprits are the people of Fort Lee. If they all just stayed home from work that week, there wouldn’t have been any traffic.
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Now we’re talking! 🙂
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Yes! And no one asked them to get a job in New York, either, when there are so many legitimate opportunities to make tons of money from home! With only a tiny initial investment of $1,995.00, they could be making tens of dollars every month! Contact me today for this exclusive one-time totally legitimate opportunity!
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Rob Ford. Of course! Makes perfect sense. Can’t believe the connection wasn’t made right away. 🙂
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And, of course, Rob Ford’s drug abuse would be Chris Christie’s fault. 🙂
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Yes, it’s a symbiotic relationship at heart.
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Man, you Americans are super-weird… But you know, if you want to have and keep Rob Ford, you can, you know. He’s up for re-election this fall, but we can find someone to replace him. Like a Shop-Vac, or a dead person.
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For a Dead Person Mayor, look in Chicago. Dead People there vote in record numbers in every election, I’m sure campaigning for Mayor of Canada wouldn’t be a problem.
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Dude, we already have a zombie running the largest city in Canada… now our Prime Minister on the other hand… also a zombie.
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Dead people have rights, too, you know….
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Trent, I’ve seen you trying to unload Rob Ford on at least one other blog today (that was Samara’s, in case you’re running this campaign on all blogs you follow). But we already had a crack-smoking mayor in Washington, and a recently drug-busted congressman, so it’s not like he’d be anything special. We were only shocked because he was Canadian, and all Canadians are supposed to have tiny angel wings and drink nothing but ambrosia.
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Damn it, you can’t give away this Rob Ford stuff. It’s not like we’re charging you. Heck, we’ll include the freight (which is very expensive in his case).
Canadians aren’t angels. Angels are Canadian.
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And Rob Ford is the fallen angel.
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He has a lot in common with satan.
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It looks like someone photoshopped a big footlong sub OUT of Christie’s hands in that picture.
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Or the sub just got sucked into the governor’s mouth faster than he could move his hands.
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That’s possible, too.
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If he wasn’t a politician, the only way he could close a bridge would be to stand in the middle…
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You are correct, and I wanted to mention that, too, but I decided that I should try to write a fat-free post (containing zero jokes about governor’s weight)
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That was big of you… uh…
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It was. And I held strong up until the last comment.
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Yes you did.
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I think you nailed it with Rob Ford. Those damn Canadians, eh?
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I don’t know, this Rob Ford guy behaves way too much like an American. Has anyone seen his birth certificate?
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Tears rolling down my face. I don’t know which I like more Rob Ford or the President and his sublime planning ability .
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There was a sizable chunk of people in Louisiana who said that for the shoddy Katrina response they blame Obama who wasn’t even president yet. It’s not inconceivable that they would blame Obama for something he did before he was born.
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I can see the big oil companies conspiring in this to keep up the demand for more petroleum products.
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This absolutely plausible, I think. They already conspire to keep global warming under wraps, and are so successful in it that millions of people think that it’s actually the scientists who fake the data to preserve thousands of dollars in their grants, and not the oil companies trying to preserve billions in their profits.
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Why can’t politicians use their powers for good?
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Actually, they can and do use their powers for good – but for their own good, primarily.
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This is smart AND funny. You’re a genius.
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Thank you! Except I’ve just started a 12 step humility program, and this is not helping 🙂
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Hahaha – you can start over again tomorrow! Enjoy the glory : )
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