“As a result of our thorough preparation, our foreign competitors will have about this much chance of winning any medals.”
In about two weeks, 2014 Winter Olympic Games will begin in Sochi, Russia, and Russian Federation is preparing to host the biggest sporting event of the year – or at least the biggest between the Superbowl and the NBA playoffs. And Russia is taking its job very seriously – so seriously, in fact, that it will import snow from Israel – because, obviously, if there is one thing Russia lacks in the winter, it’s snow. Here are 10 more the ways how Russia is getting ready to host the Olympic Games.
1) Russian police officers are going through extensive training on working with foreigners, so that they’ll be able to ask for a bribe in 12 different languages.
2) Russian authorities released members of punk rock band Pussy Riot and tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky from prison, because several unfinished Sochi Olympic construction projects are behind schedule and urgently require more workers.
3) In response to China’s famous Nest Stadium built for 2008 Beijing Olympics, Russia is building a Nesting Stadium, with a smaller second stadium built within the stadium, then an even smaller third stadium inside the second one, and so on, and so on. (This will also be known as “the Inception stadium”). The Nesting Stadium will be built in this way as a homage to the famous traditional Russian nesting dolls, as well as a homage to Sochi’s ridiculously high real estate prices.
4) Due to Russian security services’ concerns about possible terrorist attacks, all foreigners will be asked to surrender all dangerous items in their possession and leave them in the custody of Russian law enforcement officials until the end of the Games. Dangerous objects will include biathlon rifles, skates, and hockey sticks.
5) The country banned gay propaganda to emphasize the masculinity of the Olympic Games. Because there is absolutely nothing gay about the sporting event that started out as a bunch of naked men running around and wrestling each other. In addition, by passing the anti-gay law, Russia hoped to trick most of the Western athletes into boycotting the Games and dropping out of medal contention.
6) Vodka will be promoted as both the official drink, and the official doping of the Olympics.
7) Russian Olympic committee has ordered sand-and-sand-spreading trucks to make the figure skating rinks safer for the American and Chinese skaters.
8) Russian intelligence services lured Edward Snowden from the United States, hoping to get their hands on the NSA information on how exactly American athletes are training for the Games.
9) Per agreement with Bashar al-Assad, Russia took over all of Syria’s chemical weapons, in case it needs to break up a demonstration.
10) And finally, throughout the previous 500 years, Russia conquered most of the Eurasia’s landmass covered by snow in winter in order to secure enough place for the Russian athletes to practice.
List of X 
#3 made me LOL, literally.
I’ve heard they’re also hiring Ukrainian consultants to set up a text-messaging system to notify spectators when they’re sitting in the wrong seats.
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Hmm, interesting. In the 20th century, they used to have this personalized voice announcement system where the holders of correct tickets would come to their seats and verbally tell the squatters to move.
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Dude, hockey sticks ARE dangerous objects. Any hockey player’s dentist will tell you that.
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Are you sure they’ll tell you? If they do, they might lose a lot of business.
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I so badly wish the nesting stadium were true.
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Could be a perfect place to relocate some of your co-workers…:)
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This was also my favourite point. Another great post Mr X.
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Thank you, Sean. The nesting stadium idea seems to be a hit – Russia better really build it before someone else does.
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Great list.
Permit me to add:
11. Putin and followers buying up land in Sochi on which the Games would be held
12. Convincing villagers nearby that it was for their benefit that the Games were being held in Sochi
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Sochi is a big tourist spot in Russia, so think that Sochi residents are actually looking forward to the opportunity to shake a few bucks off the Olympics tourists.
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Nesting stadium is brilliant.
I wholeheartedly support item #6.
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Oh, you’re a vodka fan? Good to see that you’re getting into the Olympic spirit already.
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I was going to start a drinking game and take a shot everytime they show a touching montage of an athlete’s life/struggle/journey/breakfast, but I don’t care for voluntary alcohol poisoning.
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Better play it really safe and drink only when they show a non-American athlete winning a gold medal.
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They could make conception stadium…*shudder*
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Or the immaculate conception stadium 🙂
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The winter Olympics are promising to be a cluster-fuck, which ironically, was one of the original events, back in olden times.
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It was one of the more entertaining events, too. And now we get events like curling which people watch mainly to try to figure out what exactly is going on.
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It’s a good thing you provided a link to that story about buying snow from Israel because I wouldn’t have taken your word for it. But can we trust Georgian TV News? Are they fair and balanced?
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Wait, are you saying that not everything we see on TV and on the Internet is absolutely true???
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I’m sorry to break it to you but since we’re complete and utter strangers, perhaps it’s best you hear it from me.
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Oh, my, where are my manners? Welcome to my humble blog, complete and utter stranger named Mark who lives in NJ and works in Manhattan in the same building as El Guapo. 🙂 My name is X and I read blog posts AND comments. 🙂
P.S. There are a lot more articles about Israeli snow on Russian websites, but I still don’t see any major news sites with this story. And I’m not good with googling websites in Hebrew.
P.P.S at least now you know that I am able to read Russian websites.
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Jesus. That’s a little unsettling. What else do you know? If you post my social security number I’m going to wet myself. N.S.A. much?
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Nope, that was all I had. And I’m not NSA or any other intelligence service (though if I were, I would have been denying it as well).
I’m sorry for unsettling you, but I think it’s the fault of your catchy blog name and some of your comments that were just too damn memorable.
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Crap! He’s on to us!
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You two are everywhere, it’s impossible not to start paying attention. 🙂
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Nono, I’m actually a conglomerate of 2 people, three elves, and whoever has time off from the Ryan Seacrest Animatronics puppet team.
I actually spend very little time online.
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Well, thanks to whichever conglomerate member took the time to visit.
And if you’re a member of RSAPT, I think Ryan Seacrest is due for maintenance.
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WE CAN”T SHUT IT OFF!!!
Forgive us, America.
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#1 and #5 were the best! Actually they all were. I couldn’t resist temptation to post on Facebook.
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Thank you! And don’t ever be afraid to give in to this temptation. 🙂
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#3. So crazy it just might work.
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Russia is not known to be the world sanest country. Let’s start with the fact that Sochi is Russia’s summer resort and is located in the area that gets about the least amount of snow in the winter in the entire country.
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So, it’s Russia’s… Vancouver.
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In the winter, it’s almost exactly like Vancouver, minus the rain.
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I thought for sure that gay flags might show up on the “dangerous items” list. And if gays do end up boycotting the Olympics, we might not have a men’s figure skating event. I also oppose the allowance of vodka for the athletes. It gives the Russians an unfair advantage!
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Actually, Putin very graciously promised to gay athletes and visitors that nothing bad will happen to them if they simply behave straight for the duration of the Games. But I guess that still means no men’s figure skating.
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😀
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I love Nesting Stadium! 😀
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There will be atleast 10 ways that Putin will take selfies during the award ceremonies. 😀
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And he’ll be shirtless in half of these.
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Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.
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Very interesting … Reblog: on It Is What It is … 🙂
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Thank you for the reblog!
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Anytime “X” …. Hugs!!! 🙂
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Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
Preparations for SOCHI!! Russia and Putin …..
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A Nesting Stadium–that’s genius! I love all your posts, but this one is one of my favorites. Well done!
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Thank you!
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Man, you crack me up… Putin is also busy training to ride around shirtless on a horse whilst not looking too gay… and they have the same problem with the training for all the people who walk around in the opening ceremony swinging big, colorful flags.
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And let’s not forget those rainbow-colored Olympic rings.
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That is so gay… not that there is anything wrong with that. Did I already ask you to come over and help me set a comment record on my new post?
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I think you just did now, but I’ll have to get over there in the evening, because I don’t want my job to interfere with this really important task.
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No you do not… I look forward to it.
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I have to say, I worry about how the Russians will deal with the inevitable “empty nesting syndrome” once the games are over.
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Probably the same way as they deal with empty nesting dolls, which is trying to sell it to gullible tourists.
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good list but I have a bad feeling about this Olympics. Sure hope I’m wrong.
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I have the same feeling, actually. Russia has had quite a few terrorist acts in the last couple of decades, and the Games are a very high-profile target.
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#3 is genius…just genius.
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Thank you, I better patent it then.
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I agree with the others – the nesting thing was great. Also banning the gay propoganda when the Ancient Greeks started it. They didn’t have much of a problem being naked and hanging out together a LOT. I do wonder how they could, uh, run that well with it all hangin’ out though.
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Well, considering that Greeks haven’t invented underwear yet, it probably wouldn’t have been much different from running in a toga. Except toga would probably keep slipping off, and you had to keep slowing down or stopping to catch it, so the whole competition would be less like a sport, and more like a bunch of frat boys trying to entertain themselves.
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дебилы ебаные yanki gou hou!
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Весьма признателен за ваш исключительно разумный и ценный комментарий. Единственное замечание – “янки гоу хоум” по-английски пишется “Yankee go home”.
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Great take on what the Russians are doing to prepare!
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Thanks – and I just got a first Russian who was very unhappy with the post. 🙂
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As long as Russia doesn’t steal the air from Beijing as well.
I understand the North Koreans are heavily favored to win the Rasputin Assasination event
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This is a very difficult event. The guy was extremely hard to kill when he was alive, but now that he’s dead, it’s pretty much impossible.
But we can still count on North Korean media announcing their overwhelming victory.
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You know if Pooter had fallen on the slopes during a run for a medal and broken his ski, you have to wonder who would help him out? I’m guessing only paid staffers. lol
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If Putin fell on the slope, the staffers would have just brought the medal directly to him.
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