While Barack Obama is sitting in his office not being tough on Russia, Vladimir Putin is trying to grab control of the entire Black Sea.
Image source: theatlantic . com
After Russian military occupied Crimea peninsula in Ukraine, most Republican leaders have complained that Barack Obama needs to show strength in dealing with the Russians. (My blogging buddy Elyse of FiftyFourAndAHalf has just featured my guest post retelling such an interview.) Of course, not a single Republican leader is crazy enough to actually propose that we try to invade or bomb Russia – because, unlike Libya, Syria, Iraq, or Afghanistan, Russians just might nuke us back. And according to a recent survey of the American registered voters, “getting nuked by Russia” is polling very poorly – just barely better than the approval rating of the United States Congress. So, short of an actual military involvement, here are 10 ways how Republicans propose Barack Obama should get tough on Russia.
1) Release a photo of somber Obama, to show the Russkies that America is taking this very seriously. Better yet, make it a shirtless pick, and Photoshop abs and pecs to show our strength.
2) Send a high-level diplomatic delegation to Ukraine. This will show how tough Americans can be – tough enough to brave a first-class flight to Europe.
3) Abolish the Environmental Protection Agency and end all environmental regulations on the American industry. Sure, we’d get tons of pollution, but Russia, with twice the land area, would get hit with twice as much of it.
4) Cut off all American TV satellite feeds to Russia. Left without their favorite shows like Duck Dynasty, Keeping up with Kardashians, and Honey Boo Boo, Russians will take to the streets to overthrow the brutal Putin’s regime.
5) Ban Russian officials from visiting the US and Europe. If Putin kleptocrats want to come and invest their dirty money here, well, tough luck, they just gonna have to use wire transfers.
6) Cut benefits to American veterans. By showing that Obama is willing to get tough on the American soldiers, we will send a clear message to Putin just how tough we could be on the Russian ones.
7) Suspend Russia from the elite industrialized nations club G-8, and if they don’t leave Ukraine immediately, permanently take away Russia’s G-spot.
8) End all discussion and communications with Russia unrelated to the conflict. This means no more liking their Facebook statuses, retweeting their tweets, or tagging them in G-8’s Instagram photos.
9) Propose a UN resolution condemning Russia, so that Russia could veto it, and their veto would expose Russia as huge hypocrites for caring only about Russian interests – unlike, say, the United States.
10) Send Justin Bieber on a tour through Russia, to play concerts until they surrender.
Many thanks to Republican foreign policy hawk, Senator Marco Rubio, for outlining some of these proposals.
List of X 
Another corker X. And I really think #4 might just be the answer…
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You might be right about #4. But on the other hand, if Russians won’t be watching these shows, what will they have to hate America for?
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Instead of Bieber, maybe Obama should send our military personnel to perform a tour in Russia. Now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is out the window, that would annoy Putin more than Bieber performances… and the soldiers can defend themselves.
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I think sending openly gay American soldiers to Russia will still count as a military option.
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Only if they… ahem… shoot their “weapons”
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I think we need some beefcake/action hero pics of Obama. It certainly worked for Putin and it can’t make things any worse. How about if we Photoshop the two of them in a homoerotic cuddle and drop the pics like leaflets over the Kremlin? That might work, too.
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Unfortunately, your leaflet-dropping plan may not work, since Russia has set up air defenses around Moscow to prevent that from happening.
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Curses. Back to the blackboard. You have to admire my effort, though.
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I do. It would have been at least 1000 times cheaper than starting another strategic bomber program.
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Also (I posted this a a response to another comment, but this is just too good): I may have discovered why Putin keeps doing all those shirtless pictures and other macho man photos. Google images for “Putin’s personal photographer”, and you’ll know.
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That’s rich.
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Take away Russia’s G-spot… cruel and unusual punishment, X. Once again, my friend, you prove that you are in a league of your own. Much like the Russians. Also, loved the interview. Mr./Ms. Generic Republic Leader lives!
I yet again protest your use of the Biebs in this mocking manner. Biebs lives!
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Yes, if Russian continue down this path, they’ll be the only ones in their league, with no one left to play with.
Generic Republican Leader is a Mr., also white and Christian. And we’re probably hear about him again close to our presidential election, when, according to the polls, G. R. Leader would be in a tight electoral race against a supposed Democratic nominee, while every actual Republican candidate will be 10 or more points behind him.
Biebs lives, true. But unfortunately, he also sings and does all the other celebritish stuff.
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Biebs is a Republican.
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I assume he should be, because he’s rich, but isn’t he a Canadian citizen ineligible to vote in the US?
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Biebs votes wherever and whenever he wants to.
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Ooh, numbers four and eight are downright cruel. And number ten? Diabolical indeed!
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Speaking of number 10, Canada should really stop claiming that they made Justin Bieber for peaceful purposes.
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🙂
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Great list X. But do you think we can send Miley, too? She can give those Ruskies a good tongue lashing and we won’t have to watch the film loops!
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Thank you.
Miley does lickings, not lashings – and licking Putin may send him the wrong message.
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As a Canadian,,I approve the use of our young childish teen that just weeks ago you Merican’s wanted to deport back to us.
Oh,,,and I guess we could always stop buying there Vodka,,thata show them!
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We Americans are not picky about deporting Justin Bieber to Canada. As long as he gets deported somewhere, we’re okay.
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I’m giving up Russian food, whatever that is..
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Vodka?
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nailed it as usual 🙂
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Thank you!
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Great list, but I’m skipping the link to rubio, as it may cause my head to explode.
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No worries, I have incorporated most of his proposals anyway.
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Dude… have you seen Spetsnaz… Russian Special Forces… training? You can’t out tough Russians…
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I have not, which must also mean that Spetsnaz may have mastered invisibility.
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well Google it…
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Sorry, I got distracted googling “Putin’s personal photographer”.
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ha
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The Putin photograph shows him doing …, uh, that certainly is no buttlerfly stroke (the stroke requiring the most strength). He wouldn’t have faked it for a photo op, would he? Vlad, tell me it isn’t so!
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Or he might just be drowning in that picture.
By the way, I may have discovered why Putin keeps doing all those shirtless pictures and other macho man photos. Google images for “Putin’s personal photographer”, and you’ll know.
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Hahaha you always make me laugh, and break my heart (with truth) at the same time. #4, #7 and #8 are my favorites. I can’t speak out about Justin B at this time because now he’s my neighbor and I’m southern. It would be impolite : )
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Wait, wasn’t there a whole protest movement against letting Justin Bieber move to Atlanta? Or did your Southern hospitality get the best of you?
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There was and the city continues to be outraged haha.
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I’m all for a tough stance, but surely sending Bieber over there is crossing the line? 🙂
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If someone threatened to take my g-spot away I think I’d take them seriously.
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How can they take your G-spot if you don’t have it?
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Man, the Matrix is winning…sigh.
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#4 and #10 should do it. I see no other reason to swap nukes with the Russkies over CRimea or the Ukraine other than it would break up a really slow news month. I can only speak for myself but shirtless Putin atop a pale horse doesn’t give me the “willies” as much as a chubby. A little more time in the tanning booth…or some “sunshine” from the flash of a 4-megaton warhead…and he’d be movie-star stuff. George Clooney…you have been “alerted.”
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If there is any movie star Putin reminds me of, it’s either Gollum from Lord of the Rings, or elf Dobby from Harry Potter (http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/7000000/Dobby-dobby-the-house-elf-7047295-850-354.jpg)
And I doubt any amount of suntan will fix that.
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4, 7 and 10 but can we add Miley to the world tour, please?
Do you think perhaps we could send Kim, Kanye and North as the delegation? Maybe we could send that idiot, dang what is that idiots name, you know the b-baller. That would do it.
As always, you nail it.
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I don’t know which b-baller you’re referring too, and whether it’s even if that means basketball or baseball, but sure, why not, send everyone, Russia is big enough for all of them.
Except I would advise Miley against licking things while in Russia – she might just freeze it to something there.
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Oh, B-Ball, basketball. I remembered this morning, that ijit Dennis Rodman.
I couldn’t think of anything better to happen to Miley, freezing to something that is.
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Since I’ve got to pick a fave it is without a doubt #10..OMG send him pleaseeee LOL . Superb list as always X..And the X is spot on!
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Thank you! Incidentally, I haven’t heard any news about Bieber recently. Maybe he’s already playing the Tundra Center somewhere in Siberia.
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It might be well just to end American Industry altogether and forego any of the presumed difficulties it may portend for positive International Relations. (John at “My American Times” – http://myamericantimes.blogspot.com)
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#10 – but it might be up to Canada to decide that
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Theoretically, yes, but if the Obama can’t really get tough on Russians, he can still get tough on Justin Bieber.
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hee hee..
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RESPONSE TO YOUR REPOST AT ELYSE’S SITE: This piece was (is) fabulous! When I watched the conservative commentators criticize the President, but had no actionable plan themselves, all I could do was scream. The most recent hit against the Prez by O’Reilly is that President Lincoln would not have been interviewed on a comedy show about healthcare (Between Two Ferns). He says it makes the President look weak and Putin is watching. Huh? The real jewel here is that we have a President with such stellar character that he doesn’t haul off and go all medieval on their behinds (yes, I am an angry black woman 🙂 ). I’ve had to stop reading much of the news because of the clear agenda of the Republicans against the President “to attack everything, attack often, attack without ceasing without having a genuine alternative.”
Love your blog by the way. Haven’t added a new blog to my follow list in a long time because I’m so overwhelmed, but I am going to make an exception for you.
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By the way, thank you for following me – I know there are a lot of great blogs out there, and I feel overwhelmed myself.
I will be sure to check out yours.
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No iPod for you, Putin.
Give him Michelle. Even if the rumors are false, she’s more a man than her hubby.
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I don’t think that sending Michelle Obama to Russia is such a good idea. Do we really want the Russian army to eat healthier and exersise more?
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They would rebel if she tried feeding them the garbage they force on our kids in schools today. They couldn’t live long on the reduced rations anyway.
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I was right with you until you got to the last one. I think Justin Bieber was outlawed by the Geneva Convention.
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Where you at, X? Figure I could use some of your humour.
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Sorry, I got nothing so far. I hope I can write something this weekend if I find a story that’s not too depressing.
P.S. see this X on my picture? This is me crossing my fingers for you on Monday.
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I’m hoping you can take the depressing events that find their way to my porch and give them a moment to reconsider ringing that doorbell. But that might be a lot of pressure.
Peace, X. Be well. I’ll hold out for Monday. And beyond.
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That is too much pressure. I can’t really stop these depressing events from finding their way to your porch. All I can do is to number them.
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That would be, approximately, more than enough.
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In the spirit of #10 (but countering #4), flood them with show like Duck Dynasty, Honey Boo Boo, etc … Thanks for visiting during my absence.
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I love this: “Of course, not a single Republican leader is crazy enough to actually propose that we try to invade or bomb Russia – because, unlike Libya, Syria, Iraq, or Afghanistan, Russians just might nuke us back.” Hahaha, so true. LOVE IT.
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Trust me, you’re not going to love it at all if they do nuke us 🙂
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If I’m close to the blast, I won’t have much feeling about it one way or the other . . .
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Russia has 8500 nuclear warheads. If even half of them still work, everyone of us will be close to a blast 🙂
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Thank goodness for the Cold War!
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