Adult Depends diapers by Kimberly Clark corporation, official sponsor of the 2014 Florida elections.
If you thought voting was hard, especially in places like Florida where during the 2012 election many voters had to wait in line for several hours, then Florida’s most populous county Miami-Dade just made it even harder. In future elections, voters standing in lines will not be allowed to use the polling place’s bathrooms while waiting for their turn to perform their civil duty. (Yes, I said “duty”.) Here are 10 reasons why Miami-Dade county has banned voters from using the restrooms.
1) Voting is your constitutionally protected right. Going to the bathroom is not.
2) Voters who do make it to the polls after standing in line for several hours without being able to go to the bathroom are expected to complete their voting in about 3 seconds – thus making the voting process much faster for everyone. And if the lines are still too long, election workers can reduce the lines further by giving out free Ex-Lax samples.
3) As 2000 election has made clear, Florida voters get easily confused, and may drop their vote in the bathroom stall instead of the voting booth.
4) After years of Republican efforts to regulate women’s reproductive systems, expanding into regulating everyone’s urinary systems was the next logical step.
5) Allowing everyone to use the bathroom unfairly discriminated against the people who haven’t eaten in days, and homeless people and anorexic models are two of the largest minority groups in Miami.
6) People may sneak away to the bathroom and cheat on their ballots by copying each other’s answers.
7) It’s a good way to weed out all the people with pre-existing medical conditions that require access to a bathroom, because they’re just going to automatically vote for Obama just because Obamacare saved their lives.
8) Florida is planning to switch to fully electronic voting in all voting precincts, and the pilot program was a success (again, see 2000 election) – except for the pilot polling place’s bathroom where the transition from a paper-based model to a fully electronic one did not go quite so smoothly.
9) Instead of people standing in one line to vote, there now will be a second line to the bathroom. Having two separate lines will make it impossible to tell who had already voted or who already went to the bathroom, and would encourage both voter and bathroom fraud.
10) Most polling places are located in schools, and Florida’s election commission decided to respect the established policies in schools which teach abstinence-only bathroom etiquette.
Hat tip to Fifth Column for giving me this unique opportunity to mix politics and bathroom humor.
List of X 
I can’t even come up with a sarcastic response. Thank you for taking care of that for me.
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No problem, assuming that by “that” you meant a sarcastic response, and not voting or going to the bathroom. 🙂
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Just when you think they’ve got the max on crazy and nonsense laws in the country… Leave it to Florida to think of yet another ban/law/whatevers that is beyond ridiculous. I’m not even going to get started on the retarded Florida stuff( but its a long, long way from California…) Anyways, waving X!!! Of course if I’m going to pick a fave it is #4 hands down.
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Waving back! Long time no see, Berna! 🙂
A couple of years ago, I stopped thinking “Oh, they just can’t get any crazier than this” – because they always manage to beat any expectation. But are you saying California is even crazier than Florida?
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Nope, I’m saying California rocks! (& is far more progressive than Florida will ever be…)
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I’m actually going to CA in a few weeks, so I’ll have a chance to see that for myself. I’ve lived there for a couple of years, but I’ve only seen a small part of the state.
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That is way cool! San Diego, Laguna Beach, Santa Monica and Santa Barbara are some of my fave Cali places..In that order. Hopefully you’ll come back & write at piece @ 10 Reasons Why California is the BEST state in the union. I’m sure you /your fam will have a fabulous time there
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That is fucking insane that this is true – I thought Arizona was harsh – Florida is cruel.
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There’s some more or less lame excuse for this in the article. And personally, I never even thought about bathrooms at polling places because it never took me more than 20 minutes to vote. But this is the state where keep people in line for six hours!
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Denying a bathroom to anyone is so inhumane. When my kid was 4 we were trying to get to a bathroom in downtown Tucson and I carried a backpack (for his meds and it was my purse) and we couldn’t get into any of the restrooms b/c of my backpack – we ran all the way back to the convention center and the poor kid was only able to hold it until we made it to the bathroom door. I couldn’t believe it that people would not allow a 4 year old to use a bathroom b/c we weren’t buying anything and I had a backpack. Assholes.
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What’s their problem with the problem with the backpack? Does it mean you’re a terrorist, or they thought you were going to steal their toilet paper?
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That I might shoplift – it’s redonk. When people ask me to leave my backpack at the front even after I tell them it’s my purse, I always ask if I can have their wallet in exchange…they never seem to want to do that.
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This could cause the voting lines to get a bit messy…….
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But at least then they’ll be clearly marked.
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11. Because the rule forbidding voters from breathing while waiting in line turned out to be difficult to enforce.
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There was pushback from the powerful (in Florida) portable oxygen tank lobby.
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I remember, there was a lot of angry hissing from them.
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Or you can just put a crowd of people together for 6-8 hours without a bathroom, and by hour 6 they’ll just be afraid to breathe.
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Can’t we just sell the rest of Florida to Disney and have them be a non-voting corporate park?
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I think that Florida has to be allowed to vote on it first – except there’s that bathroom problem again.
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Just for the record, it is not currently illegal to sell hospital urinals outside of polling places. I think.
The ban is what’s best for business.
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I can foresee some shady characters trying to sell urinals from under their coats, along with meth and painkillers.
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Loved #9! By the way… where are you going to work after Letterman’s retired? 🙂
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Let’s just say, Steven Colbert is taking over Letterman’s job, and will be leaving his…
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Thank you for your list. I’m less-no, screw that. I’m still upset.
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I think the word you might be looking for is “pissed”.
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That’s exactly what I meant.
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What, no one’s going to say they love number two?
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Maybe it had to be said by someone with fresh look on things, possibly someone from Canada.
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I understand that here in Canada we avoid long queues by not requiring IDs to vote…
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That’s what we do in many states, including mine. But in Florida, Ohio, and couple of other states long lines seem to be less an unfortunate side effect than an intentional goal.
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It should be pointed out that my standard reaction once the curtain is closed and I see my choices is to drop my drawers and crap on something anyway.
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Just don’t forget to flush the bums out when you’re there.
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They should just move the polls into the bathrooms, and voters can vote and poop with the same action.
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And flush button can be set up to also submit the vote.
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Yes. Can you imagine the public service campaigns?
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Like, “Save the environment, reuse the ballot”?
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Every time we hear about something that is really fucked up, (whether it be people eating each others faces cause they’re high a shit on bath salts, or this bathroom/voting happy horseshit), my wife and I turn to each other and say: “That must be Florida!” Oh Florida, you are the Quebec of America.
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If Quebec had a smaller and crazier mini-Quebec as a part of it, and that mini-Quebec contained an even smaller and crazier micro-Quebec, and you took that micro-Quebec and let simmer at 35 degree Celsius and 90% humidity for about 200 years surrounded by sharks and alligators, then it might begin to reach the levels of Florida. 🙂
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Ha ha ha. Now that’s a place I’d visit.
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It’s pretty nice, if you don’t stray from the beach.
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I just figured it was because people voted smarter with a full bladder.
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That must mean that a dude who just drank 24-pack of beer is about the smartest voter around.
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And, sadly, that’s probably a true reflection of society.
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This was so much fun to read. Loved it, especially #4. Very clever.
Not being able to go to the bathroom but being expected to wait hours to vote? That’s beyond ridiculous. I’d never make it. Not by a long shot.
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And you live in a swing state which is also ran by the Voter Suppression Party, so this new and creative tactic may become a possibility for you too.
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Thank goodness my voting place is an old folks home. There should be plenty of diapers around there.
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Oh shit.
I can’t believe that nobody beat me to that line. What’s wrong with everybody? Constipated?
As somebody who qualifies for #7, I repeat: Oh shit. Now I can never move to Florida. Somehow I am pretty sure I can contain my disappointment.
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I’m not surprised that no one beat you to “oh shit”. The field of bathroom humor is vast and its intersection with politics offers many pun possibilities.
I was actually thinking of mentioning you in #7, but I thought that you are the only one who should be discussing your medical conditions.
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That’s thoughtful, X. Wish my family were as thoughtful! I am the butt of many a joke.
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In protest and solidarity, everyone should piss themselves while waiting. Seriously, Florida?
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I don’t know, this kind of protest sounds like more of self-punishment. I would just make it a campaign slogan: “Vote for Democrats, because we’ll let you use the bathrooms”.
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Reblogged this on FiftyFourandAHalf and commented:
Nope. It’s not voter suppression. Nope. You can Depend on it.
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Did I mention that I re-blogged this?
As someone who has never stood in line anywhere without using a bathroom, I feel that this rule is designed for me. I shit in their general direction.
But not in X’s general direction. Because X is wonderful and would let me use the bathroom if I needed it.
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Thank you for the reblog, and you’re welcome to use my bathroom – it’s only about an 8 hour drive away 🙂
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Shit.
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I love the idea of combining the two! Men could vote with urinal target practice.
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With our aim, we just might vote on the wrong candidate.
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I hope there are pee-in-place voters…It could start a new trend..
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I’d rather prefer them to go by the absentee pee-ers route.
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Florida’s Governor was rated “Worst Ever” by a state newspaper. Unfortunately nobody reads newspapers anymore. Did they go electronic like the bathrooms in Florida?
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I don’t read newspapers, and I haven’t heard about that. However, I would not be surprised by it – I rarely write about a story from a specific state, and Florida already made the list twice.
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Voting and bathroom humor + Dade County Florida. Sorry, I know you declined the altar I proposed, tough shite it is going up and in Texas no less. I can see the lines now! I am planning it in a PortaPotty, I think it will work, people can leave their deposits and vote.
😉
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And you can call it the PortaVotty.
Since I apparently can’t stop this altar, will at least there be no human or animal sacrifices?
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Human deposits only. Well, how about inhumane sacrifices?
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My religion (let’s call it Xstianity) prohibits cruel and unusual sacrifices.
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I would be neither cruel nor unusual. Promise
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you said duty… ha! This might be your best one yet.
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As far as duties go, this one’s pretty good.
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It was full of duty
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X, I think you may be a genius of some kind. I don’t know what kind. But some kind. This is flippin hilarious.
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An evil genius of political bathroom humor and backstabbing, maybe?
P.S. thank you.
P.P.S. I was a little lost in your cat story, Trent, honestly, and will need to come back and re-read it. What happens on May 27th is still a mystery to me.
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He drowned.
Whether evil genius or more benign one, I dunno, but genius nevertheless. Your insight and ability to translate that into humour quite humbles me.
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I really need to stop reading your posts while I’m working or falling asleep (which is about 70% of my non-sleeping time). It felt to me as though May 27 was something that would happen in the future, and a past drowning was a metaphorical one. Now that I re-read it, it does seem like I need work on my reading comprehension skills; and I’m too embarrassed to actually leave a comment there now.
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Oh come on X, it’s not like the story is straightforward, the truth of the matter is kind of slipped in there rather than drawn clearly. It’s me being vague, a habit I have to break one of these days. But it’s so much fun.
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It is not the State of Florida but Miami-Dade county where this seems to be an issue.
http://miami.cbslocal.com/2014/04/10/commode-confusion-can-miami-dade-voters-use-restrooms-at-polling-places-or-not/
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I know it’s not all of Florida, just Miami-Dade county, and I did make it clear in the first paragraph of the post. But it is still technically Florida 🙂
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I wouldn’t move to Dade County if you gave me a free house with an ocean view. And you might think I’m trying to be topical and witty and whatnot, but I’m not kidding. That place is insane. Maybe it’ll snap off and float away one day. We should be so lucky.
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I think that global warming would take care of it – if water level rises just a few meters, this whole county would end up underwater. Which is kind of a shame, because the beaches are nice. (except for the sharks and tourists)
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I don’t want the whole country underwater. Just FLA. Would that have and effect on NYC? Hope not.
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I love it when our government figures out a way to make things move more quickly. Score!
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Maybe we could also close the bathrooms within the government offices for everyone, to make them move more quickly, too.
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I guess there will be no voting along potty lines. Groan…..
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Ha! Rim-shot.
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http://instantrimshot.com/ 🙂
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http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true 🙂
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There will be voting at the end of the potty line. And you can vote for candidate number one or number two.
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Chortle!
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Outstanding … and number 4 is my favorite!
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Thank you!
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I guess I wouldn’t be voting if I lived in Florida!
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I think they have some silly rules against Canadians voting in their elections anyway.
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Very funny X. As John Callaghan pointed out, this sounds like the Quebec of America and in fact there are so many Quebeckers in Dade county that it is sometimes known here as Floribec. They fit right in. Would it be possible to subscribe to your inestimable blog? Further humour is desired.
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Thank you, and I’ll be happy to have you subscribe. There’s a box on the right, just below the header, to subscribe by e-mail, if you haven’t started your blog yet. Speaking of which, you should – from your comments it sounds like you have enough of just the warehouse stories to last you at least a year.
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Sorry I missed this when it first came out, but delighted I found it now.
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Thank you! And as far as I know, the story is still relevant, so you haven’t missed much.
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I bet the Republicans created that law they are obsessed with diapers
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Also with gays, transgenders bathrooms, abortion, or anything that happens within other people’s underwear.
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