The actual attendance looked like this, and you can spot an epic fail even if you do not look closely.
Photo by Matt Cohen (dcist . com)
This Friday was the day of “Operation American Spring” – a Tea Party rally held simultaneously in Washington and in Nevada to rail against Obama’s tyranny. Of course, yet another Tea Party rally would have been completely unremarkable, had it not been for the fact that event organizers’ promised to bring out 10 to 30 million American patriots, force President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Attorney General Eric Holder, and congressional leaders of both parties to resign from office, all the while non-violently fighting against Obama’s ferocious drone attacks. The actual attendance for the rally, however, was only around a hundred people, no government official actually resigned – the patriots celebrated when they saw Vice President Joe Biden leaving White House, but it turned out that he was just getting lunch. There wasn’t even a single drone attack – all of which marked the event as a dismal failure. Here are 10 reasons why most of the promised 10 to 30 million people never made it to the event.
1) 4,253,203 people thought that clicking “Will Attend” on the Facebook event counts as physically attending the actual event.
2) 672,186 people stayed home because spring is allergy season and they have a severe drone attack allergy.
3) The event organizers were counting on 666,666 liberals to attend the event to mock the participants of the rally. Unfortunately, the modern technology has given liberals the flexibility of mocking from home.
4) Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Eric Holder, John Boehner, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Mitch McConnell all said that they couldn’t come to the rally because they have to wash their hair.
5) 129,671 people couldn’t decide between attending the event in Washington or Nevada, so they stayed at home watching Duck Dynasty.
6) 398,810 people suspected that a rally where they would have to show up unarmed is just a sneaky Obama’s trick to get them out of their houses and quietly confiscate their guns while they’re out.
7) 1,599,582 people were truly planning to come out and bravely face the imminent wrath of Predator drones and ruthless jack-booted thugs defending Obama’s tyranny, but stayed home because it was raining on the morning of the rally.
8) 2,122,613 people estimated that the traffic caused by 10 million patriots driving into Washington on the same day would be dreadful (patriots don’t use mass transit because it’s socialist), and no one would probably notice if they didn’t go.
9) 157,024 people were recovering from an apoplectic heart attack caused by the realization that Barack Obama is STILL president!!!
10) 138 of the Tea Party patriots actually had a job to go to on a Friday.
Do YOU have an excuse?
List of X 
Gee, I hadn’t heard about a rally. Are you on the Tea Party mailing list?
LikeLike
Not anymore. And no, you don’t need to be, you can read all you need to know about Tea Party right here.
LikeLike
I’m Canadian and would like to know what flavor of tea were they serving at their tea party? I don’t suppose it was Earl Grey, which I prefer, as I understand that was all thrown into Boston Harbour some centuries ago.
LikeLike
I don’t know what is the exact flavor, but whatever they are drinking, I’ll want to stay away from it as far as I can.
LikeLike
The style doesn’t matter after they add three spoons of sugar and top it off with milk.
LikeLike
And there’s probably more than a few drops of moonshine in it, too.
LikeLike
It’s T-Party brand tea. It’s somewhat sour with a lingering aftertaste of regret. Pure white in colour, conveying none of the discordant tones of real tea. Those tones have been leached out, thanks to the application of extract of CLR – the cleanser of choice for yankee Klan members, er, sorry, T-party faithful. T-Party-tea is drunk from gallon jugs that have finger holes. It is important to know that when drinking T-Party-tea one should say “shucks” and “dang” a lot but the names of God and Jesus Christ must never be uttered during the consumption of tea. During the firing of weapons however and at the beating of dissidents God and Jesus may be invoked at will. That is all.
LikeLike
Thanks David! I learn so much about American politics on these here blogs -Wsheeeew! God and Jesus to be invoked at the beating of dissidents – let me make a note of that. And I hear that one of their heros is a gun toting Mama in Alaska who shoots moose and she must drink her tea iced I imagine ’cause it’s so cold there. Is that so, do ya figure?
LikeLike
I think the confusion comes from the fact that you’re counting the number of physical human bodies, while the organizers were counting the number of voices in the attendees’ heads.
LikeLike
Brilliant.
LikeLike
I agree. Brilliant. I can’t top that so I’m not going to try.
LikeLike
I think they were also adding the attendees’ weights in ounces, ages in years, IQ points (which really didn’t change the total all that much), and number of the signs they brought.
LikeLike
When I saw you in my e-mail I read you first, I laughed all the way through. I didn’t even take a sip of coffee first (thankfully). I now love you more than coffee (not chocolate) but more than coffee, definitely. I kept on saying they were using new math, you know 1+1=100,000
6 yes 6 is my absolute favorite. All are good but 6 is by far my favorite.
Can you say cretin excrement? They are not cretin, but definitely what is left behind.
LikeLike
When you first commented on Kstreet’s post, there was only 1+1=1000, so I fear you’re also getting into this new math. 🙂
And did you see that some right-wing blogs actually thought that this was a Obama-planned event so that FEMA rounds up all the patriots there?
LikeLike
I did see that, I laughed and laughed. They are all such tools.
LikeLike
I’m afraid their conspiracy theory movement is doomed, if the conspiracy theorists don’t even trust each other.
LikeLike
I wuz comin’ to evict the Kenyan from the White House but got busy with a “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” marathon and after chasin’ my sister around the trailer I got tired and fell asleep. Did Sarah Palin show up? She’s HAWT!
LikeLike
Well, at least you have a good excuse. And no, Sarah didn’t show up. I think she started driving to the event, but halfway there she quit and turned around.
LikeLike
Lahk’ a farcracker’ Bebe.
I was gonna go to DC—- but then I got high.
I was gonna go to DC—- but then I got high
I was gonna go to DC—- to kick out the Pres. and his V.P.
I was gonna go to DC—- but then I got high.
LikeLike
I think getting high is more a liberal thing. “Then I got drunk” is probably more likely.
And thanks for the song, never heard this one before, and now got it on repeat.
LikeLike
I claim ignorance. I knew nothing about this. Pfft, tryanny….sigh. Their rhetoric grows more idiotic by the day…
LikeLike
I’m sure most of the Tea Party can claim ignorance, too. After all, ignorance is what they do best.
LikeLike
Actually, there’s a difference between ignorance and stupidity. I think the suffer from the latter.
LikeLike
I’m pretty sure you don’t. Making an occasional wrong decision is not stupid, it’s normal.
LikeLike
I meant I think THEY suffer from the latter. Stupid typos…
LikeLike
Oops, sorry, stupid reading comprehension (I should have guessed what you meant).
LikeLike
Clearly neither of us is on our game and should go back to bed and start the day all over again.
LikeLike
Good plan.
LikeLike
I can say as a resident of this area that it did rain very hard Thursday night and into Friday morning. The roads were flooded, people were rescued, traffic was at a standstill.
I am quite sure it was God’s way of telling these fuckers to stay away.
LikeLike
I think you inspired a quick post. Thanks.
LikeLike
Looking forward to it.
LikeLike
I read that there were complaining about the rain, but I would think that revolutions aren’t just left for the perfect weather.
LikeLike
My excuse is I hadn’t even heard about the event. I guess they need to step it up in the PR department…
LikeLike
I’m sure that if you had heard of the event, you would be even less likely to attend. 🙂
LikeLike
I mean we packed a lunch before hand so we could sit glued to the TV all day watching…what a crock…I was so disappointed. What has happened to the Tea people? Like puppies, they have a short attention span it seems.
LikeLike
I wouldn’t say their attention span is short. After all, they’re still digging through Benghazi, Fast & Furious, and even Lewinski affair. It’s just a very selective attention span.
LikeLike
And they’ll pee on your shoes if you’re not careful.
LikeLike
Or theirs if they’re not careful.
LikeLike
They had nothing to wear as Billy Bob still has three days to wear the one pair of boxers and the only Rebel flag available to take was the one Billy Bob’s mama sewed into curtains for her pick-um-up truck.
LikeLike
And someone trod on the “Don’t Tread On Me” flag.
LikeLike
#2 is why I didn’t go to DC – plus #7. And I guess I fall under #3 also.
LikeLike
#2 is a very good excuse, especially if you have a note from your doctor.
LikeLike
HA! Awesome… did they make too much tea?
LikeLike
That’s probably why some people didn’t show – were too busy making tea for 10 million people.
LikeLike
they can use it to give themselves a tea enema
LikeLike
So that their farts will smell like Earl Gray.
LikeLike
http://pouringmyartout.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/a22.jpg?w=1920&h=2703
I did a link there… don’t know if it worked… but it is to a pic I posted for a tea called: Horniman’s pure tea… I think that is what their farts should smell like…
LikeLike
Like an old white guy in an old red uniform?
LikeLike
That is some real English tea right there.
LikeLike
I couldn’t attend because I’m Rob Ford’s crack dealer and videographer and since he’s gone into “rehab” my ass is broke. You wouldn’t by any chance want to buy some crack and then have me film you smoking it, would you?
LikeLike
No, sorry, I’m not a mayor of anything, so I’m not planning on starting using crack. But I think that now that Ford is in rehab, he needs you more than ever.
LikeLike
I’m pretty sure Rob Ford’s crack dealer wouldn’t have been welcome at this rally. Rob Ford’s crack dealer would almost certainly be Canadian, which would make him a foreigner, a socialist, and a spreader of icky Canadian health care cooties.
LikeLike
Hahaha. The worst thing about being a Canadian is I’ll never be accepted by the tea party.
LikeLike
This is the worst thing about being a Canadian??? Now I really want to be a Canadian, especially because I’ll never be accepted by Tea Party either. 🙂
LikeLike
Well, that and Quebec which is much more annoying than Florida and not nearly as entertaining.
LikeLike
Hahahaha. I live to serve.
LikeLike
Gee, I must have misplaced my invite . . . not!
LikeLike
No worries. There’s a Tea Party rally every day somewhere.
LikeLike
I couldn’t make it because I accidentally clicked “will attend” for the wrong Facebook event.
I ended up at a Tea Party enema thrown by Art. It was a virtual uh…blast.
(this is your best yet. You just get more brilliant all the time)
LikeLike
Tea Party enema at Art’s sound much more interesting than this event. At least it’s original and there’s no way there would be 10 million people there, so it would be exclusive rather than disappointing.
LikeLike
Pingback: Sunday Reads: Link Dumps and a Feel Good Video, News Story | Sky Dancing
My excuse is my Canadian citizenship, otherwise I would have totally been there. These Tea Party-ists (is that the right term?) sound like a lot of fun. They also sound like absolute wankers. Is that a term they’re familiar with? I think they should adopt it, and get to wankering immediately. They seem to be in dire need of a good wank.
Good one, X. This hardly made the news up here.
LikeLike
I don’t know if they are familiar with wankering, but I’m sure they’ll have no worse chance of overthrowing the government by wankering than by announcing a 10 million attendance while getting a hundred.
LikeLike
This is why free speech is a beautiful thing. Give ’em enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. Works every time. That goes for both sides of the aisle, btw. The far right doesn’t have a monopoly on lunacy. The NY Times just published an hysterical article about how liberal colleges want to include “trigger warning” stickers on classic literature like The Great Gatsby and Huckleberry Finn. Reading them might upset them or “cause symptoms of post-traumatic stress in rape victims or war veterans. Students would be cautioned about anything that might contain “racism, classism, sexism, heterosexism, cissesism [whatever the hell that is], ableism [ditto], and other issues of privilege and oppression. The whole sad, funny article is below. See that…idiots are everywhere!
LikeLike
We probably should just put a generic trigger warnings on the college admission letters: “Warning, education at this college may expose you to ideas that don’t agree with yours, graphic and questionable content, books written before political correctness and using the terms and themes that are inappropriate today, and calculus.”
LikeLike
A contradiction in its self … Tea Partiers with too much time on theirs too busy to attend rally.
LikeLike
FYI and mine too
a·ble·ism /ˈeɪbəˌlɪzəm/ Show Spelled ey-buh-liz-uhm] noun discrimination against disabled people
cissesism no dictionary results
Wikipedia ,*The page “**Cissesism**” does not exist. *
*cissexism* (which is sometimes used synonymously with transphobia) refers to the assumption that, due to human sexual differentiation, one’s gender is determined solely by a “biological” sex of male or female (based on the erroneous assumption that all people must have either an XX or XY sex-chromosome pair, which ought to define their gender), and that trans people are inferior to cispeople, being in “defiance of nature”.
LikeLike
I think a lot of Tea Partiers have plenty of free time. Half of Fox News viewers are now 68 or older, so free time should not be a problem for most of them.
LikeLike
Interesting factoid.
LikeLike
I happened to catch this lovely event on another blog (since I try to avoid the news because it always makes my brain want to evict itself) and was so excited to see that you were covering it! I especially love the “modern technology allows liberals to mock from home.” Exactly what I did. What a bunch of morons. I bet Obama sat there quietly drinking tea while they had their little rant.
LikeLike
Or, you know, Obama was probably doing his usual daily routine – trampling on freedoms, jailing patriots, taking vacations, and so on.
LikeLike