Bowe Bergdahl: the only American soldier captured in Afghanistan, and the only soldier in history that was hailed as a hero while in captivity, then called a traitor once he was freed. Image source: Wikipedia
Last weekend, Barack Obama had announced that Bowe Bergdahl, the sole American soldier captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan and held captive for the last five years, has been freed in exchange for five Taliban commanders released from Guantanamo military prison. (There is, apparently, an exchange rate of one Taliban commander for one year in captivity). Normally, a return of an American POW would be a cause for a celebration. Instead, the White House was criticized for negotiating with terrorists, for bringing back a suspected deserter, for not notifying the Congress 30 days before the swap, and so on. Here are 10 other reactions to the prisoner trade and return of Bowe Bergdahl.
1) Hamid Karzai, president of Afghanistan: “Praise Allah, our country has finally established trade relations with the United States!”
2) John Boehner, Republican Speaker of the House: “Barack Obama broke the law by not notifying the Congress 30 days in advance before the swap! This illegal action gave us no ANY time to leak classified information to the media before it was too late! And by the way, Obama keeps breaking another requirement to notify Congress 90 days in advance before he sneezes!”
3) Sloan Gibson, Interim Director of Veterans Affairs Administration: “We’re happy to welcome Sgt. Bergdahl home, but considering VA’s problems with long wait for medical care, we ask him to be very, very patient and prepare to spend next couple years waiting for one of our specialists. In fact, we think that Sgt. Bergdahl would probably receive a speedier medical assistance from the Taliban.”
4) Fox News, Republican PR agency: “Liberals love to point out that George W. Bush released more than 500 prisoners from Guantanamo while Obama released five. What they don’t talk about that it was Obama’s fault anyway – Obama must have convinced Bush to release these detainees so that he could blame Bush for releasing them!”
5) Sarah Palin, unemployed woman with a Facebook account: “Our country does not negotiate with terrorists! Just look at our history, and you’ll see that not a single Founding Father has ever negotiated with the Taliban!”
6) Barack Obama: “We followed our motto ‘Don’t leave a man behind’ and brought Sergeant Bergdahl back. And our country did not break the principle of not negotiating with terrorists, because the Taliban is not designated as a terrorist organization. It’s not like they try to sabotage almost every single government agency, or shut down the government, or leave tens of millions of people without any health insurance.”
7) Chuck Hagel, US Defense Secretary: “‘Don’t leave a man behind’? What ever gave people the idea that our country follows the principle? There’s still 30,000 troops left in Afghanistan.”
8) Pew Research Center: “Based on the results of our recent poll on whether Americans think that Bowe Bergdahl is guilty of treason and should never have been brought home, we have determined that nearly 30% of Americans possess a supernatural ability to tell with absolute certainty whether a person is guilty of committing a crime without actually seeing any evidence or even reading the law.”
9) John McCain, former prisoner of war: “Those Taliban commanders are extremely dangerous and should have never been released! They deserve the most severe punishment imaginable, like housing them on a tropical island and feeding and entertaining them on the taxpayers’ dime!”
10) Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl: “I’m just happy to be home, and… Wait, what are they are saying what about me? Really? And now my family is getting death threats? Well, thanks for reminding me why I wanted to defect in the first place. “
List of X 
This is very clever indeed 🙂
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Thank you!
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Great post X. Everything about this whole affair is F**ked up. I am seriously of the opinion that not a single entity involved is telling the truth. From the President to the Sgt to the Taliban to the Military – no one is telling the whole story. Thanks for the laugh.
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Yeah, Taliban’s been especially quiet about this whole thing.
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Pew research Centre sounds like Arvind Kejriwal, the 39 day Chief Minister of Delhi. He possesses a supernatural ability to say with absolute certainty that every person who has not contributed money to his party is crooked, without a shard of evidence of course.
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Maybe Minister Kejriwal knows that every person is crooked, but for those who donate to his party he graciously agrees not to make a big deal out of it.
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In the true spirit of my countrymen, I have nearly no awareness of this story, having been transfixed for the past few weeks wondering whether we would finally have a Triple Crown winner and trying to decide what wedding gift to send Kim and Kanye. So bring me up to speed; we had a war in Afghanistan?
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what did you decide on for KK? I mean really, Kanye gave her a nekkid pic of herself, what more could they want.
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Every picture needs a frame. I’m thinking of something from the “Selfie-Absorbed” collection at Bed, Bath and Beyonce’
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Nice, that should work
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I’ll get them a gift receipt, just in case.
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Well, there’s also her video somewhere on the Internet…:)
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Erm, no, we don’t have a war in Afghanistan, because we never declared one. But I understand it’s a complicated situation, so all you have to do is put a “Support our troops” sticker on your car. Now, did you hear that some other horse won the race, and there’ll be no Triple Crown winner again this year???
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The 30-day thing… I never got why that was a ‘rule.’ They fail to mention that those men who were let go were being held without any charges or evidence. For the U.S. to continue hold them was wrong and illegal.
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Come on Jackie, you know what is good for the goose has nothing to do with what is good for the gander.
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But why do we need any charges or evidence, if most member of Congress have the same supernatural ability to tell who’s guilty and who’s not?
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Well X, once again you absolutely nailed it. #5 I think is not satire, is it?
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#5 is absolutely true. The wasn’t any Taliban until the Republican hero #1 Ronald Reagan helped arm Afghanistan against the Russians.
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I have to wonder if Bergdahl was doing double duty with the CIA. Maybe Obama thought he’d be bringing useful information back. The administration isn’t particularly competent, but I’m pretty sure they’re not dumb enough to pull something like this prisoner trade unless there was something else going on.
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I don’t think Bergdahl knows anything useful, or at least worthy of exchanging him just for the information. It’s only in the Hollywood movies a villain tells a captured hero all details of his evil plan before the hero escapes.
No, I think the White House just wanted to win some political points for freeing Bergdahl, and also that’s kind of the right thing to do.
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In theory at least, no one actually had to tell Bergdahl anything. Somewhere in the course of “desertion,” he may have seen some useful things. That’s all.
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I feel great sorrow for this young man…you do as always a great job…the issue for me is getting massively not funny however…:)
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It’s never been funny in general, but there are still some parts of it that are. I mean, can you take seriously the people who screamed that Obama is doing nothing to bring this hero home, only to do 180 once Obama actually freed him?
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Round of applause.
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Taking a bow.
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Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.
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I’ve been following this story and it is strange and a hot button issue. My tendency is to give a lot of credence to the guys who served with Bergdahl. The further up the chain of command we go the spin and embelishment is likely put into the story. I also have little or no patience for a soldier who voluntarily joins a military and then complains vehemently or wants to leave all together because he or she doesn’t like the campaigns his or her country is engaged in. #5 was really good. Sarah Palin is a godsend.
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I think it’s very likely that Bergdahl deserted his unit – but I don’t think it should change the decision whether to bring him back, because, first, what if he didn’t desert, and second, I’m pretty sure that leaving a soldier in the enemy’s captivity is a standard military punishment for desertion.
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I’m torn on this one. I have strong opinions but they are contingent on knowing more before I start to bluster. I can make an art form of blustering with only half the information I need to make an opinion. It’s been a crazy couple of months here so I haven’t been able to give my full attention to this story that I find really interesting. My immediate assumption is that both sides are painting a pretty picture that does not reflect complete honesty. But I do admire that you wrote about this. And it was funny.
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Number 1 was hilarious! And I loved your description of Sarah Palin 🙂
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Thank you. In fairness to her, I should have mentioned that she also has Twitter.
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I haven’t read this yet… but just based on the title, first thing that comes to mind is “how the heck is he going to make this funny?” But figure he will. That’s right X, this is real-time commentary at its finest right here… okay, on to the reading…
#1: off-scale hilarious.
#2: Boehner sounds like a pussy
#3: Ewwwwww….. wow
#4: Fox news is a pussy
#5: okay, well, you can’t really argue with Ms. Palin, I’m pretty sure she’s right…. she’s a keeper, that one
#6: X, I think your humour is sufficiently sophisticated that the people who should probably have a go at you for this one probably won’t sufficiently understand the humour to realize what you just said
#7: Hagel. Pussy
#8: 30% of Americans are clearly… well, they just are
#9: so this is what it takes to get to Cuba?
#10: ouch. I think you’re going to burn in some political hell, X. Spare me a seat, would you, I know you don’t drink but I’ll bring some scotch anyhow.
Poor dude and his family receiving death threats… will wonders never cease. I’m in your country at the moment and will studiously avoid spewing out of any these items, as I have a feeling that they will be less forgiving of a travelling Canadian than they would be of an erudite American funnyman. There, I’ve coined your catch phrase.
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Wow, a complete play-by-play on my post… I feel tempted to do something like that with one of your stories 🙂
I’m a political atheist, so I don’t believe in political hell, Trent. if there’s one, I’ll spare you a seat, but I think you Canadians get your own political hell, much cooler than American and with free healthcare.
You’re in the US? Not near my parts (Boston area), by any chance?
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Nah my friend, in Florida. I didn’t know you were in Boston. If I’m up that way, I’ll give a shout. My friend Catastrophe Jones is up that way too, that would be a hell of a meet-up.
Canadian political hell starts and ends with Rob Ford. I’m not sure anything else need be said. Hallelujah, the boy is finally out of rehab, and thus we are ready to begin our election process.
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I think Obama was just tired of paying to house & feed the Taliban prisoners & so used this as an excuse to let some of them go! Unfortunately, it sets a bad example because now Americans will be kidnapped to trade for other prisoners.
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There were so many examples of kidnappings followed by mutual release of prisoners, that I don’t think one more example changes anything. Of course, that doesn’t happen every time, so we should really say that we don’t negotiate with terrorists until we do.
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I give an enthusiastic thumbs UP to #1 especially. Lord, I laughed.
Rupert Murdoch was overheard saying, “One deserter for a pack of psychopaths? That’s ratings gold, baby!”
I’m glad they released him. That dude owes me $5 bucks. Maybe I’ll get it back now.
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I’m also glad they released him. He doesn’t owe me anything, but maybe you’ll get your $5 bucks yet.
And yes, he’s definitely ratings gold this week. In fact, CNN temporarily suspended their usual non-stop Flight MH370 coverage this week to post articles about Bergdahl.
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Wow! CNN did that!? I had no idea. That IS huge.
Will CNN ever recover their dignity and not be a punchline after their mishandling of the missing flight coverage? Time will tell.
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Oh, no, sorry, spoke too soon – just checked CNN page, and MH370 is still an Editor’s Choice story in the top bar.
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Phew! That’s was a close one.
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You make bad stuff seem funny.
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Too bad it’s still bad.
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true enough
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It is always wonderful going through the looking glass with you, X. Well done!
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Thank you!
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Hahaha I wholeheartedly approve of this. Especially Sarah Palin– What IS she doing now?! Do I even want to know..?
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In case you do want to know, she is doing a reality show Amazing America With Sarah Palin. Unless she quit it already, that is.
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Are you kidding.
KILL.
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Don’t be so harsh on her. If there is one place she really belongs, it’s reality TV (of course, “reality” is very relative when Sarah is concerned.)
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Another great list. It couldn’t have been easy to think of funny shit to say about this situation. I feel so sorry for this dude when he finds out what’s been happening in the aftermath of his release. No matter what he did or didn’t do to contribute to his own capture, he has certainly paid for it.
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I’m pretty sure that 5 years in a Taliban prison is more than sufficient punishment for whatever he might have done. But, clearly, some people don’t think so, and there were even death threats to his family.
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Despicable. So much for supporting the troops or innocent till proven guilty. Public discourse is toxic and getting worse, thanks to Alex Jones and Glenn Beck and FOX news. There’s no doubt in my mind that people like them are inflaming the crazies.
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These are all positively brilliant. Sarah Palin’s comment is just classic Palin. She might even admit to saying that one. Number 6 is easily my favorite. They deserve to be on the watch list.
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Thank you! About Sarah Palin, I’ve exaggerated a little, because “No Founding Father negotiated with Taliban” is a factually correct statement, and factually correct statements aren’t really her style. 🙂
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I actually think this is a perfect Nincompoop statement!
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Oh crap … this is great! Hard for me to pick a favorite because they are too realistic.
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Thank you!
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This is brilliant.
How do you do this? Make this stuff funny?
I have much to learn…
And we have to find another blog victim soon…:)
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Thank you, and I’m not sure how I do it, either. 🙂
And yes, we have to.
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