American F-22 fighter escorting the Russian bomber in case the Russian visitor accidentally strays into a scary LA neighborhood.
Image source: CNN
Last week, the U.S. Air Force intercepted two Russian bombers less than 50 miles away from the California coast. The bombers were accompanied by an aerial refueling airplane, apparently due to California’s ridiculously high gas prices. Here are 10 reasons why Russian bombers flew to California.
1) Vladimir Putin gave the order that this inane “Keeping Up With Kardashians” TV show must be stopped by any means necessary.
2) Facing possible sanctions on Russia for its actions in Ukraine, Vladimir Putin wanted to send a veiled threat to the United States by showing that Russian military still has two airplanes that are functional enough to reach American mainland.
3) White House asked for Russian bombers to help reinforce the American military because the U.S. Air Force just doesn’t have enough planes to bomb every country Senator John McCain wants bombed.
4) It turns out that General Motors engine recall was a little more widespread than we thought.
5) Due to a still-unfixed Y2K bug in the bombers’ navigation system, the planes’ GPS loaded an 1814 map, according to which Russia has a military base in Northern California.
6) The planes did not intend to threaten the U.S.. They were merely delivering a shipment of steroids to the Russian soccer team playing in the World Cup in Brazil. Also, if necessary, the planes were meant to help the Russian players by leveling the playing field (or the whole stadium, if the opposing team just doesn’t get the hint.)
7) The planes were on a reconnaissance mission to verify a recently obtained top secret intelligence report: a high-quality two hour long video showing San Francisco being destroyed by couple of 100,000 ton dinosaur-like monsters.
8) Vladimir Putin sent the planes to protect the oppressed Russian-speaking Americans like Google’s founder Sergey Brin and actress Mila Kunis, and to check if any of the American states are ready to secede and join Russia.
9) Russian security forces got tired of dealing with the NSA leaker Edward Snowden and tried to drop him off back in the US.
10) The pilots were lost, and Russian military pilots never ask for directions. They just fly over the nearest land, then comb Twitter for hashtags #OMGRussiansAreAttacking” or #WorldWarThree to find out where they are.
List of X 
Apparently they didn’t know that Yakhov Smirnov spends most of his time in Dollywood, not Hollywood.
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Wait, he’s not in Soviet Russia?
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No he is not. From what I’ve heard, he’s changed his catch phrase to “Tennessee; What a country!”
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…or is it Missouri?
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I am not sure if Branson is better or worse than Dollywood. Or Soviet Russia.
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I guess I suffer the ignorance of someone who’s never been to any of the three.
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I’ve been to just one of these three places, and I still have no idea which is worse.
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Here in the Garden State, I strive to be non-judgemental about places I haven’t been.
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There are so many places right here in New Jersey that you could be judgemental about.
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I try not to judge them either, though if I’ve been there, I’m allowed to have an opinion.
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Are you certain this is satire? #4 made me spit coffee at my screen, then I had to clean it up and it is early, had to wait to read the rest, more coffee…what a mess. Putin what a cretin. Are you sure they weren’t here to pick up McCain?
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I don’t think they were after John McCain. I’m pretty sure that Russia has plenty of angry old men demanding that Russia bomb everyone.
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Damn, wishful thinking I suppose.
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I thought I saw Snowden at Target. Now I understand how he got here…
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Snowden at Target? Now I understand how Target credit card data got leaked.
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Hahaha, good one!
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!0 makes sense. I get most of my news from twitter these days…
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Not just you, most of the media does that now.
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I believe that Putin is a bit miffed over not getting an invite to the Kimye nuptials.
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I bet he was planning to bring a framed topless photo of himself as a wedding present.
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I’m pretty sure number 1 is the correct answer. And I wish them success.
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Me too, but the Dark Side is strong with the Kardashian clan.
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So it seems.
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We Canadians used to meet them over the Arctic and shoo them away (true story). We need some new fighter jets, our old ones are broken, so we asked if they could give us a break for a few years. It’s good to get some collaboration from the Russians for a change. The Russians wanted us to buy some F-35’s from the Americans, ’cause they only have one engine and flying in the Arctic with the nearest airport 57 million miles away, that seemed like such a good idea (NOT). Anyway, all round thanks to the Americans and Russians for giving us a break for a bit.
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That’s the same F-35 fighter that can’t fly at night or in the rain? No wonder Russians would want every country to have them. Especially Canada, where parts of the country experience polar nights, so no one is there to shoo away Russian planes.
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Yep, same F-35’s. It is a sad state of affairs when we’re reduced to sitting on the ice cap drinking whiskey while listening to Russians snicker in the dark as they fly by. Oh well, at least the whiskey is always cold. Ha! Здравствуйте!
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Are you sure Sarah Palin didn’t just claim that she can see Russia from California too?
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Now that she saw Russian bombers, she’ll probably start saying that she has combat experience.
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Ha, I was waiting for Sarah Palin to show up. She will probably don a uniform and stand in front of a plane with two thumbs up next.
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She might even use a Russian plane image as a background to prove how much she values and respects U.S. Air Force. (I think some politician actually did something like that)
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Politicians are sheer geniuses. Sometimes I think the Republican party in particular are actually employing Democrat advisers in disguise which is why they continue to sabotage themselves.
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You assume that Democratic advisers are some kind of benevolent electoral geniuses. Remember, those were the people who couldn’t get John Kerry elected over GWB.
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True. Also: Dukakis. I mean, really, just why?
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#4 was spot on. They just recalled like a bizillion more vehicles yesterday. Pretty soon every GM vehicle ever made will be recalled. And #7 might not be too far fetched. Didn’t North Korea’s fat little dictator believe some Hollywood movie was real and used it for propaganda purposes? Anyway, great list.
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If that’s the way GM is going to continue doing their business, they going to go from the largest auto manufacturer to the largest auto repair shop.
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I’m there on #3.
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You mean, with McCain on “bomb everyone”? 🙂
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me too. Had I been in charge on that fateful Sept 11th there woulda beeen a lot more holes on the earth, till we filled em up with the debris from the bombings….
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We’ve made plenty of holes as it is, don’t you think?
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Huh ? They flew over here ? I’m from California. There’s a huge, huge community of Russians and Ukrainians here in my neck of the woods. My 2 besties are Ukrainians… they’re the best, but I hate their parents…… they’re politics is to the right of Clive Bundy. I’m not kidding. I believe the Russians when they said we were supporting ….. I don’t want to say it. I’ve been best friends with my Ukrainian pals for 10 years, but I was never allowed to darken their doorway. .
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I guess your friends’ families are just trying to integrate into the American society as well as they can – which means the older generation holding conservative views, while their kids are much more liberal. 🙂
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Our white friends could go to their house, but I couldn’t. My friend admitted it was the color of my skin. That’s not conservatism. That’s racism.
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It is, and I should have said “conservative and racist”. Racism might be largely a conservative thing, but it’s not exclusively conservative, so I’m just glad it wasn’t genetically passed to your friends.
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dang it… I was going to make a joke about bad GPS and their history in the U. S… but you beat me to it…
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Sorry. But I’m sure there is another joke here somewhere. We might need a GPS to find it.
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With satellite view…
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I’m afraid the joke would look flat from a satellite view.
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you have a point there
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As a citizen of the Republic of California, I wholeheartedly agree with reason 1.
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Then, just in case, you might want to stay far away from any paparazzi crowds.
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I was just watching George Carlin’s stand up bit about war and then I saw this. So perfect. It’s a good thing the Russian bombers didn’t fly over Texas. Everyone’s armed. Bombers wouldn’t stand a chance against that many rednecks.
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Well, I’d like to see these rednecks try to shoot down even one Russian bomber with bullets. That at least should give them an idea about what they could expect if they plan to take on US Army.
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Heh, yeah, I love how they think they can take out tanks and bomber planes and freaking nukes with their rifles.
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Because Red Dawn, Rambo, Die Hard and pretty much any action movie prove that a guy with a gun can take out an entire army of bad guys.
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Don’t underestimate Texas.
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I’m not underestimating Texas, but I am very skeptical that a guy with a rifle can shoot down a bomber. Even in Texas.
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LOL #4 was inspired, not to mention the Russian military has only two functional planes in a nod to #2.
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Thank you! Except if those Russian planes have GM engines, they can hardly be called functional 🙂
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Numbers 1 & 3 were my favorites … especially with Sen McCain ramping up his hawkish side.
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As if McCain’s hawkish side ever needed ramping up…
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Yep!
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We want revenge for Francis Gary Powers!
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Should the US be trying to shoot down these bombers in revenge, not escort them?
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