In reality, corporations have found God a long time ago. There He is, right on the money.
This Monday, the United States Supreme Court had decreed that a private company can use the religious beliefs of its owners as a justification for denying certain types of contraception to its female employees. And now that the court finally recognized that private companies are able to hold religious conviction just like regular non-incorporated people, we can expect other companies to become more outspoken about their faith, and to change their policies accordingly. Here are 10 policy changes you can expect from other corporations as a result of the decision.
1) Walmart: “Because our company firmly believes in the wisdom of Biblical verses about slavery, all Walmart workers shall become the legal property of Walmart Corporation.”
2) Aetna Health Insurance: “Any sickness or medical condition must be regarded as God’s will, and as such, any medical treatment for said condition runs contrary to God’s purpose and will not be reimbursed.”
3) Comcast: “When you have called upon our customer service in time of need, and no Technician had come forth between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. as had been prophesied, you shall not doubt the wisdom of our company, but must instead search into your soul and question whether your prayers for His coming had been sincere.”
4) Pfizer, pharmaceutical company: “Our company has adopted the Hindu belief in reincarnation of all living creatures. As a result, any lawsuits alleging that Pfizer products may have caused a patient’s death will now become null and void because Pfizer will no longer recognize the concept of death. In addition, any Pfizer drug warning labels will remove “death” from the list of expected side effects and will replace it with “expedited reincarnation”.
5) Facebook: “Since so many of you come to Facebook to talk about your sins, you must treat the website as a confessional booth, and must not hide any embarrassing or mundane detail in of your life. Our advertisers are immensely grateful to millions of users who have seen the light and embarked on this difficult path already.”
6) United Airlines: “Our company mission is to help all of our clients ascend into Heaven, if only temporarily. And as you cannot bring your earthly possessions into Heaven, any piece of your carry-on or checked luggage will now be required to have its own airplane ticket.”
7) McDonalds: “Our company believes that cow is a holy animal, so from now on please do not expect any actual beef in your Big Macs.”
8) Smith & Wesson, firearms manufacturer: “Since guns enjoy the status of sacred objects in our culture, with some people even worshipping their guns more than their own children, any restrictions on gun sales are tantamount to Congress prohibiting the sales of religious artifacts and clearly violate the First Amendment.”
9) General Motors: “When our company issues a notice for our cars to return to its maker, we will refer to this action as “a rapture” rather than “recall”, and you may consider it a great blessing if one of our rapturemobiles has granted you your personal rapture.”
10) Apple: “Since the court has recognized the personhood of a private company, it is only fair that any current Apple employees leaving to work for our competitors would be condemned as adulterers and shall be punished by stoning.”
List of X 
Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat™.
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Thank you for the reblog, Jueseppi!
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You are most welcome X. You are funny but oh so on point. Have a safe fun 4th Holiday weekend.
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Hilarious X! I could quote the parts I liked, but then I’d have to quote the whole post. Ha! 😀
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Thank you! Glad I could help aave you the effort of picking the favorites. 🙂
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In regard to #1: I think I read somewhere that until 2008, Walmarts in Mexico paid their employees in vouchers that were only redeemable at Walmart….
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I just googled that, and yes, you’re right, that actually happened. I wonder if “the privilege to work in an air-conditioned building” was also touted a part of Walmart’s salary package.
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Wow. Just wow.
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Hearty applause!!
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I should have trademarked that: Hearty applause™ .
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Thank you©
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Great thinking there by the folks at Pfizer and McDonalds. Though sucks to be a Walmart employee, hey?
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It actually sucks worse to be a McDonalds employee when the company stops using beef and starts looking for a different source of meat.
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Ha. Good point.
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I wonder I I would be laughing this hard if everything you said weren’t likely to (or have already) happened. I would certainly drink less.
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Some of this is probably happening, but thanks to five people on the Supreme Court, the companies can finally make it official.
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I was questioning your choice of such a great example for your very first one, thinking the others couldn’t compare, but you proved me wrong. All ten were stellar!
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Thank you! I only started with slavery because it seemed like the most obvious thing for a company like Walmart to do.
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Without doubt, your best yet, X. It was begging to be written, and you nailed it!
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Thank you – I know this is combines two of your favorite topics, big business and religion, so I thought you’d like it.
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Another brilliant entry. It’s almost as if your government does this cockamamie stuff just to give you material.
The best-case scenario in the Hobby Lobby case is that consumers boycott the store and that puts an end to scrapbooking as we know it.
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Thank you! But I’m not the only one making fun of politics, and our government has to keep all of us busy. Now your government is clearly slacking off – what have they done for you lately? Rob Ford, religious clothing ban, that’s it?
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Our government is currently killing with a thousand cuts one of the world’s most successful public broadcasters, so there’s that.
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Don’t give them IDEAS!!!! 🙂
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Actually, I’ll copyright those and sue any company for infringement if they ever try to use them.
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You have it all sussed out
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Since corporations are people, I’m waiting for Soylent Green, Wall Street flavor.
I hear it’s delicious.
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It is, but it’s a little too rich for my taste.
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My wife read the other day that Hobby Lobby will cover condoms and Viagra for men but will deny birth control for women. How insane is that?
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Probably just as insane as Hobby Lobby investing their retirement plan in the companies that produce those very types of contraception HL does not want to give its employees.
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Wow. Just. Wow.
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do not get me started….Unintended consequences can be a bitch ya know…and I suspect HL is about to find out..
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I hope they’re about to find out. I’m afraid it’s we who are about to find out.
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I think the Walmart policy is already in place.
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I think Walmart is still paying their employees, but they’re going to fix the glitch.
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Office Space FTW. 🙂
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Yep. 🙂
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“…expedited reincarnation…” My favorite and something I plan to have on my tombstone. Meaning my grave, not the pizza. Although the two could easily be connected. This was truly excellent, X!
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Thank you, and I hope you get to put “really, really, delayed reincarnation” on your tombstone instead.
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As you always do, out of the ballpark X. I believe some of these are already in place, didn’t need SCOTUS approval we simply missed it. Someone greased the slide and we got on and shouted Wheeeee
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And then came the Roberts court and gave us a push cause we were moving too slowly for their taste.
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Indeed.. what a joke. You however, you put it all in perspective.
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Screw the supreme court. They also barely upheld the law that says it is a crime to lie of a form when buying a gun.
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I’m pretty sure the Supreme Court could still manage a unanimous decision to make screwing the Supreme Court illegal.
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maybe
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I’m having a hard time telling if this piece is satire or true. I think that says a lot about the situation in this country. Or perhaps it says more about me. Eh, whatever…
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Today it’s satire. But I can’t promise it will still be satire tomorrow.
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That’s what scares me.
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Brilliant … as usual. Uh, this is getting to be a habit and since habit forming is bad, government regulations are now being written to cover corporate criticism under anti-blasphemy laws. There will be a knock at your door in ten seconds, 9 …, 8…, 7
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Oh, is that the FBI version of a top 10 list? 🙂
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Pffft. Like there’s actual beef in Big Macs anyway.
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There isn’t? Oh, shit. Thanks a lot. There goes my summer.
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I’m assuming they contain some beef-inspired meat-like product.
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lol rapturemobiles! on-the-point humor, as usual!
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Thank you!
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Statistical fact: Fewer contraception options = more unwanted births. More unwanted births = more abortions. Those idiots should consider that. If every Catholic who practiced birth control (a supposed “sin”) left the church, the pews would be empty.
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Are you trying to use logic? It doesn’t work on these people. These are also the people who say that they don’t want to pay for somebody’s contraception, and instead end up supporting some of these unwanted babies with their taxes.
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Omg I love every one of your posts. I think my comment is always the same: you are a hilarious genius, or something along those lines. Very well done as always : )
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And once again your comments are making me blush.
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Yay!
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Oh this was one of my favourite lists so far.
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Thank you!
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#1. Laughed so hard.
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Thank you. And I hope you didn’t stop at #1. 🙂
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So if these guys represent God, then are we blasphemers if we don’t buy their crappy yarn religious artifacts?
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We are, but now that the owners turned their store into a temple, Jesus would be very unhappy with all the selling and buying going on there.
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#7 = truth.
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Just perfect for the Pitch Party! 🙂
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Perhaps your best work!
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Thank you!
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Awesome! I think the Supreme Court really dropped the ball on this one. No doubt, this will cause perversions of the ruling by all sorts of companies. There could be dark days ahead. Then again, the answers for 1,2, and 3 look like business as usual anyway. [shrug]
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