Late stage of Ebolaphobia, by Edvard Munch.
As most of you are already aware, West Africa is experiencing a severe Ebola outbreak, and a handful of Americans have been infected with Ebola virus as well. According to the experts, although Ebola is a real and scary disease, it’s not nearly as contagious as many other diseases because Ebola virus requires direct contact with bodily fluids of someone who is already sick to be transmitted. However, even though Ebola itself is not a threat to an average American, tens of millions of Americans have been suffering from acute irrational fear that an imminent Ebola outbreak would kill all of us. Or, to use the proper scientific term for this condition, from Ebolaphobia. For example, a school in Maine recently quarantined a teacher merely for visiting a conference 10 miles away from a Texas hospital that cares for Ebola patients. Here are 10 common symptoms you should check yourself for to determine if you’re suffering from Ebolaphobia.
1) You break into cold sweat, and your temperature and blood pressure rise after watching several minutes of news reports on Ebola, but even considering the stress these news reports are causing your body, your organism keeps demanding new doses of Ebola-related stories.
2) Without having received any formal medical training, you consider yourself a top expert on every kind of virus.
3) Knowing that Ebola is normally transmitted through direct contact with bodily liquids, you have stopped wiping your nose and going to the bathroom.
4) You don’t believe in evolution, but are confident that Ebola virus will doubtlessly mutate into an airborne germ armed with fangs and claws. So every five seconds, you check the sky to make sure that an airborne Ebola virus isn’t coming for your from above.
5) You have purchased a 0.01-millimeter caliber rifle, so that when you do see an Ebola virus coming for you, you could shoot it in its fangy face.
6) You think that a person’s dark skin, foreign accent, or a Texas driver’s license is a sure sign that the person has Ebola.
7) You think we should ban direct flights from West Africa, because no person with Ebola is physically able to take a connecting flight through another country, or drive across the border, and because such flight ban will surely stop an airborne Ebola virus from flying into America on its own.
8) When you are riding a public bus and notice someone coughing five seats away from you, you no longer jump out the window while simultaneously pulling on latex gloves and a respirator – but only because have completely stopped using public transportation of any kind.
9) You think that resignation of President Barack Obama is the only thing that could prevent an Ebola epidemic.
10) If someone warns you that the there is an extremely contagious disease out there, a disease that can be transmitted by airborne germs and will kill tens of thousands of Americans this year alone, you feel relieved to learn that it’s just the flu, and not Ebola.
List of X 
2 is easy, everyone knows how accurate WebMD is for a reasonable diagnosis on the first search.
I mentioned number10 and the flu at work when this came up during a meeting. Who knew that nobody got “that sick” or died from the flu anymore? I must have missed that news day.
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Oh, but can you imagine the fearmongering that the news would do if this was the flu? “It killed 50,000 Americans in 2012!!! It killed 10,000,000 people in 1918!!!! It’s airborne!!! Run, hide, but above all, don’t breathe!!!”
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I laughed out loud at the 0.01 mm Ebola gun – you’re just sucking up to the NRA X. Absolutely, the solution to any problem is more guns – just the right gun for the job. No one person should ever feel comfortable with only one gun because there are so many specialized situations, like Ebola, that require specialized firearms.
That said, funny post X.
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I also keep thinking that the only reason why so many people are afraid of Ebola is that there isn’t a NRA-like organization defending our rights to carry Ebola. As in, “only a good guy with Ebola can stop a bad guy with Ebola”, or “Ebola doesn’t kill people, direct contact with people kills people”. After all, NRA defends something that kills 30,000 people a year, and Ebola’s body count isn’t even close.
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Reblogged this on MrMilitantNegro™.
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Thank your for the reblog, Jueseppi!
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Another reason to calm down about Ebola can be found in the attitude displayed by passengers who departed on the maiden voyage of the Titanic – – – “It can’t sink.” – – – I think we ought to let the Ebola hysteria rage on because as one blogger has already stated it could be a gold-mine for those inclined to start profit-making businesses up around it — Imagine the millions . . . perhaps even billions . . . that might be made from a vaccine — Imagine the endless hate-mongering and fear resource the rabid rightie radicals could harvest as a result of the spread of the virus — imagine how much money could be made by selling “Ebola-Proof” suits, handkerchiefs and underwear? Anti-Ebola inhalers? Anti-Ebola cookware? Electronic Ebola detectors that can smell it from as far away as 50 feet? — the list is potentially endless.
Yes there is a big market developing out there around the Ebola fear and if the virus actually does spread as some people fear it might — imagine the thousands, perhaps millions of new jobs that could be created — jobs building new and bigger hospitals — jobs in the health care industry — this thing has exponential potential doesn’t it?
But what are the nay-sayers going to do — if it all turns out to be — true?
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I think that one of the biggest Ebola-related money-making market right now is the mainstream media: the more people get scared of Ebola, the more likely they are to keep clicking on more news articles and ads. But of course, anything advertised as “Ebola-proof”, or “Ebola cure”, or “Ebola detector” is going to be huge, too.
But yes, it is possible for Ebola to mutate into an airborne virus, and it is possible that an outbreak could occur. It is also possible that an mile-wide asteroid hits Earth next week, or the volcano under Yellowstone park explodes and takes out half the planet.
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….. or it is possible that the radical right wing el-creepos could get true religion …. repent of all their callousness and greed …. start having compassion on somebody besides the filthy rich …. put their heads together with Democrats and work things out across aisles the way they did back when the government actually worked …. yes …. all these things are possible. I agree. But the Ebola virus is here and is now working to infect people …. the asteroid is still a ways off …. the volcanoe at Yellowstone is anybody’s guess …. but my guess is that it will not happen in our lifetime …. even though some people might hope that it would erupt and put an end to all this political horse manure …. I just do not happen to be one of those.
Thanks for your comments as always. They are sincerely appreciated. 🙂
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Dead on X, dead on and number 9, well we all knew that.
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Everyone knows that Obama’s resignation or impeachment (or both, just to be safe) can fix all of the country’s and world’s problem.
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Both our and their Ebolaphobia could be the reason.
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I put on a hazmat suit just to read this blog post, but I foolishly left my fingers exposed so that I could type this comment. Now if someone would tell my boss, maybe they’ll quarantine me for 21 days with full pay.
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I sincerely hope that reading this post hasn’t made you spit any bodily liquids on the keyboard – otherwise my response to your comment just doomed me.
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What I love is how the media has bombarded us with nonstop news telling us we should panic, then this week the top news story? How ridiculous it is that we’re panicking. I’m confused on when I should panic now.
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You should always panic. Except that starting this week, you should stop panicking that you’ll die of Ebola, and should start panicking that you could go crazy from Ebolaphobia.
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Good plan. I just hope my Ebolaphobia isn’t as bad as my CNNaphobia or WolfBlitzeritis.
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Just be very wary of Foxitis. It could actually give you brain damage.
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Ebolaphobia is fun to say 10 times fast. The Munch Ebola painting is missing the liquids streaming out every orifice.
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I think this painting looks like it was painted with bodily fluids.
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#10 is so true, isn’t it? Influenza never quite gets the concern it deserves until a really bad strain occurs (like H1N1), and yet it inflicts so much illness each year.
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And I’m pretty sure that many people who are so worried about Ebola won’t even bother to get a flu shot.
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#4, for real! I know people who don’t believe in evolution, climate change, or anything else even vaguely sciencey, but are predicting that Ebola will “go airborne.” They want to close down Africa, basically. Yay, reason.
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It’s probably not so much closing down Africa, as closing our own borders against everyone else outside – Ebola, illegal immigrants, drug cartels, and so on, and so on – as long as Ebola is not in the US, these people see no problem if it keeps spreading elsewhere.
And, of course, we still get to cross our borders whenever we have to bomb someone. 🙂
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The NRA is now using #5 as rationale for protecting their view of the Second Amendment.
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I suspect that NRA is using everything as justification for protecting the right to bear arms.
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Oh, God, thank you X. I was wanting some sanity on this topic. I’ve been to a lot of doctors lately and naturally they ALL play Fox News cause I live in the damn Bible Belt and I swear EVERY SINGLE TIME I go, they are talking about Ebola and how it’s EVERYWHERE and ANYONE could get it like this one guy in Dallas like DIED (nevermind the multitudes more that died of say, Cancer, the same day), and then there were nurses infected OMG and we might all get it even though we’d have to drink an Ebola infected person’s coca-cola or share his snot and you know peeps that are this scared (like at Fox News) aren’t going anywhere NEAR a black person cause AFRICA and we must help them with the disease cause it kills in a way more threatening to us than the starvation and genocide we’ve basically been ignoring in said country.
Pause. Breathe.
One psycho lady reporter was drilling this poor scientist with her patented fox news shriek and said “The government is preventing a vaccine, right?” And he’s like “Um, no, they’d have no reason to do that.” And then “Well President Obama, various other Democrats, are not handling the situation right are they?” And he’s going “Um, actually I don’t get into the politics of it, I’m just trying to save lives.” Wow, I thought she was going to turn into a raving, maniacal hyena – I mean an actual one.
Oh, and by the way, when we’re done with Ebola, let’s talk about ISIS chopping off heads. Cause every medical patient loves to hear this stuff when THEY ARE ALREADY SICK. Oh, yeah, and they actually shut down one of our hospitals for a few hours cause some guy had flu symptoms. For reals.
Okay, I’m done with my post. 🙂
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I think you should make this comment into an actual post 🙂
And yes, interestingly, ISIS kind of took a back seat to Ebola now – and Ebola hasn’t even started beheading people yet. But fear not, a month from now it would be time to fear something completely different.
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For sure a lot will be afraid, now I am afraid to travel elsewhere in Africa, it seems this dreaded disease makes the country more fearful.
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You probably don’t want to travel to anywhere in Africa now – because people will quarantine you whether or not you were anywhere within 1000 miles from nearest Ebola case.
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11. You think the government genetically altered the virus and purposefully released it as part of some conspiratorial scheme.
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Wait! It’s not Obama’s fault?
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Of course it is!!
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Well, that’s to put everyone into FEMA concentration camps, obviously.
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Precisely.
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I think the solution to the ebola crisis is clear now. It is cheap and simple. Since direct contact is required for transmission, every person should begin wearing an Ebola Bumper. The WhamO company says the EB (as seen on TV!) will be made from a hula hoop (of which they happen to have a large stock left over) supported centrally by shoulder straps. Problem solved. Price: $16.95 + S&H (of course).
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Or better yet, something like this: http://www.toxel.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/waterball08.jpg
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Not bad, X. Either one is going to be a problem in elevators, but hey, those are dangerous too! 😆
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So people will have to walk up and down stairs and get the benefit of exercise. Some will have to choose between getting healthy and getting Ebola.
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And I imagine it would be a lot of fun to roll in one of those down the stairs.
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Brilliant (as usual, X). I’ve been following the story closely, not because I have Ebolaphobia, but because I am the source of health news in my company. I know of most scourges long before they are cool … including Ebola.
Found along with lots of other stuff here: http://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/products/ebola.html
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It looks like the business model of this site is based on people who would actually pay money to get Ebola and black plague… even if it’s the cute and furry strain of it.
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I got totally hosed on my 0.01 Ebola musket, which no one carries ammo for anymore.
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They still do, it’s just that it’s really hard to find a box of 0.01 ammo on the shelf.
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We gotta come up with a better word than Ebola (sounds like a cosmetics line for African-American women). How about “The Red Death” or “Death by Shitstorm.” The word Ebola sounds like a Swedish breakfast food. Not scary enough. Where the Hell is Fox (sic) News when we need them?
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it doesn’t sound scary enough only if you haven’t tried Swedish breakfast food.
But I agree, a scarier name is definitely needed. What about “Liberian plague”, “killitosis”, or “murderitis”?
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This is one of those weird situations where a post is funny only if you feel that it doesn’t relate to you.
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That’s true. But it actually only relates to hundred people or so who are sick, or care for them, or have had actual physical contact with those who are sick. Of course, there seems to be another 30-50 million people who are sure that it relates to them, too.
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Well, I think part of the problem is that they say it is hard to catch, and then turn around and tell us that two highly-trained nurses with access to all the best safety gear still managed to get it.
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It wasn’t the best safety gear, apparently – I read that the hospital didn’t even had a protocol for dealing with something like Ebola. And having a protective gear only helps if you know how to properly remove it and dispose of it.
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Then it proves our health care system isn’t really up to the challenge.
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Luckily, Ebola is much less of a challenge than flu when it comes to its potential to spread.
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so far
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Plus, when they say ‘only contact with bodily fluids’ that, to me, sounds like maybe if somebody sneezes a real juicy one and you walk through the cloud, you might get it. It doesn’t sound like you need to drink a gallon of their blood. I mean, sweat is a bodily fluid. So if you touch someone, is that safe or not?
Also, microbes have a tendency to mutate on their own. Which means a more virulent form could be breeding right now.
And finally, you only get once chance to stop a pandemic. Better to quarantine massively than to let it run free.
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If you touch their sweat, you could catch the virus, I think. From sneezing, it appears it is not possible unless someone sneezes right into your face – and sneezing isn’t even an Ebola symptom: http://www.politifact.com/punditfact/statements/2014/oct/19/george-will/george-will-claims-sneeze-cough-spread-ebola/
According to this article, none of the people who actually lived with the guy who died from Ebola got infected, and I doubt they used any kind of protective gear.
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I am sure you are right, but convincing paranoid people won’t be easy.
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That being said, I hate disagreeing with people because I don’t want to make people angry. And I am also not saying that it is time to panic. Just that when it becomes obvious that panic makes sense, it might be too late.
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But I like disagreeing with people!
And I think panic never makes sense, even when it’s justified.
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I tend to remain calm in an actual crises. But I also like to be prepared for them if I can.
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So I assume you have everything ready to go into the panic mode at the moment’s notice.
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I always do
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Just the fact that I read the word now means I could get it right?!
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You could get it through direct contact only, so if you read this post over wireless internet, you should be okay.
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Phew!
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I hear you can get Ebola through the internet. Is this true? One thing I appreciate about living in Alberta Canada is nothing living can survive our winters. Nothing! Hahahah. It will kill your virus, your hopes, your dreams, your will to live. Mwahahahaha.
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Well, how do you survive then? Or is it more like, “let’s see how long I can last in this climate…”? 🙂
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I am a cyborg.
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Are you saying Canada has a secret 4 million strong cyborg army? OMG, this is even scarier than Ebola!
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Hahaha.
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This is BRILLIANT and sadly true!!! Paranoia is the silent killer.
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Thank you, but I’m not sure if you can really call the “OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!” attitude “silent”…:)
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Americans who are afraid of catching Ebola should flee to Nigeria, which had 20 Ebola cases but is now Ebola-free (http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/10/20/nigeria-to-be-declared-ebola-free/).
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Except Nigeria is also in Africa, and as every Ebolaphobiac knows, anywhere in Africa = Ebola.
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FanFreakingTastic.
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Thank you.
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You know, back in the day, they told people that Bubonic plague was nothing to worry about either
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They sure did, but since back in the day they had no internet, Bubonic plague spread faster than this opinion.
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Strong, Maine, right down the road from me, suspended a teacher 21 days with pay because she attended a teacher’s conference in Dallas (ten miles from the hospital) and parents were afraid. Crazy. But, just to be safe, I have un-friended my Texas Facebook friends – at least for 21 days.
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Yes, I actually linked to this very story in my post. And another school quarantined their principal who came back from Zambia which is 3000 miles away from the nearest Ebola case. Compared to that, unfriending your Texas friends is perfectly rational.
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Pingback: Ebola Fever! | aliceatwonderland
Haha! Brilliant as always. I know a few people suffering from #9. My faves are numbers 4,5, and 6. I’d like to meet a guy who’s accurate with such a small caliber weapon. Viruses aren’t easy to hit, not because they’re microscopic, but because they have an amazing ability to dodge. 😉
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