I wish I could have seen the eclipse myself, but I couldn’t due to extensive cover-up by the rainclouds – a conspiracy which surely went all the way up.
Image source: National Geographic
If you live in North America, you may have been able to see a partial solar eclipse this Thursday sometime around sunset. But if you had thought that the movement of stars and planets is governed only by laws of physics and cannot be explained by conspiracy theories, then you’re just not thinking big enough. Because on the Internet, you can explain anything with conspiracy theories – wars, climate change, economy, pandemics, so why should we believe that a planetary phenomenon really is what we are being told it is? So here are 10 conspiracy theories explaining the true reasons behind this week’s partial solar eclipse.
1) Commie liberal Obama administration, just out of sheer spite, stole the sun from the honest hard-working Americans.
2) The eclipse was just a hoax perpetrated by scientists, who thought that if they can convince us that they were right in their predictions of the eclipse, we’d also believe their predictions about global warming.
3) This was an attempt by Apple Corporation to re-brand the sky as Apple’s proprietary iSky product, privatize it, and synchronize it with Apple’s existing iCloud software.
4) It was Russia that made it seem like there was a solar eclipse during sunset to get everyone to look west, and invade us from the east while everyone is distracted and is looking the other way.
5) The Sun trying to safeguard itself from the Ebola virus by using the Moon as protective gear of sorts.
6) Major League Baseball is taking their game blackout policy to a whole new level.
7) The eclipse was a PR gimmick sponsored by ExxonMobil and BP to prove that solar power is much less reliable than oil.
8) It was the work of NASA trying to hide their cover-up of the Moon landing that never happened.
9) American Association of Ophthalmologists was trying to trick millions of people to stare directly into the sun, thus causing severe damage to their eyes and billions in profits to their eye doctors.
10) It may have been just a regular solar eclipse, but the real question you have to ask is when exactly Obama administration learned that an eclipse is imminent, and why haven’t they done anything to prevent it?
List of X 
Oh lord, the internet is throwing us back into the dark ages. OK, who upset the gods this time? Is it possible that Americans are becoming paranoid due to the number of lies they’ve been told in the past? Sigh. Funny post X. Very apropos.
LikeLike
To rephrase some famous saying, you can take people out of the dark ages, but you can’t take the dark ages out of people.
And I understand the impulse to become paranoid in response to all the lies, but too often it just leads to even more counter-lies.
LikeLike
You are stealing the business of spreading drivel about anything and everything from self-styled Indian religious gurus.
LikeLike
I’m not really stealing it – this drivel is an abundant natural resource always available in supply. Unlike, say, the sunlight.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I note you have not mentioned Ariana Grande’s publicist’s involvement in all of this. What are you hiding, hmm? Also, who is Ariana Grande?
LikeLike
I don’t know who this Ariana Grande either. And I don’t know why she hasn’t fired her publicist who obviously sucks at his/her job because neither of us still knows who her client is.
LikeLike
There was a partial eclipse? Any chance Mitsubishi Motors was behind it in an elaborate scheme to get the name “Eclipse” on everyone’s lips? I’m pretty sure that’s why Ford is behind the increase in Fiestas in many countries as well as efforts to make Taurus the most popular sign of the zodiac.
LikeLike
There really was an eclipse, I was told.
I don’t know if it was really a Mitsubishi ploy – would they really want people talking about a partial Eclipse? But you have something there with Ford, if they got you to Focus their attention on them.
LikeLike
You’re very astute about Ford. Clearly there should be some sort of Probe to determine how they were able to influence things at the very Edge of the Galaxy.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on MrMilitantNegro™.
LikeLike
Thank you for the reblog!
LikeLike
The book of Revelation said something like this would happen. The end is near. See?
LikeLike
I’m just amazed that the book of Revelation is able to see 4 billion years in the future, when the Sun expands and will bring the end to all of us.
LikeLike
one of your best!
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
I love number 4!!!
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
It’s gotta be number 5.
LikeLike
But since it was just a partial eclipse, the Sun was still exposed to the virus. OMG WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Didn’t you know that the virus was released on purpose to combat overpopulation? Haven’t you been reading up on your conspiracy theories?
LikeLike
Then can we please release it during the GOP party caucus? (It’s the freedom to make comments like this that keeps me safely out of politics!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m often too dumbfounded by comments like that to respond.
LikeLike
But Ebola doesn’t spread through the air, unfortunately. However, if a Republican party held a convention near a strip club with even just one Ebola-infected stripper, you could probably count on half of attendees getting sick, too.
LikeLike
I figured they’d make themselves uke with their verbal diarrhea, actually.
LikeLike
I admit I have been slacking off on reading conspiracy theories, which is why I have to make up some of my own.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think the conspiracy theories are funnier. And that’s not even an insult. These were hilarious, but the conspiracy theories??? Priceless.
LikeLike
And here I was thinking I was just getting glaucoma.
LikeLike
And I was thinking that it was just your head blocking the sun.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha! Definitely a sign of the apocalypse.
LikeLike
Or the sign that you may need a haircut. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are..
LikeLiked by 1 person
That explains the spots.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There you go, my work is done!
LikeLike
Some of these should be on the Onion, ha. Number seven is my favorite.
LikeLike
Thank you! And any of these will be on the Onion, I’m calling my lawyer. 🙂
LikeLike
Dude… you know Dick Cheney did it… with his black soul…
LikeLike
Now he’s going to need a soul transplant, too.
LikeLike
He will cut right to the front of the line.
LikeLike
There’s probably not a very long line for black soul transplants anyway.
LikeLike
You would think not.
LikeLike
These were hysterical. My favorite: “attempt by Apple Corporation to re-brand the sky as Apple’s proprietary iSky product, privatize it, and synchronize it with Apple’s existing iCloud software.” I’m still laughing. 🙂
LikeLike
You won’t be laughing when Apple does something like that for real. 🙂
LikeLike
It’s cause Obama’s too busy faking his birth certificate and trying to take all our guns!
LikeLike
Obviously, cause it’s much easier to take away people’s guns in the dark.
LikeLike
It’s the baseball conspiracy.
LikeLike
Probably just a side effect of all the steroid use.
LikeLike
There’s another conspiracy!
LikeLike
How could you talk about conspiracy theories and leave out the Bilderberg Group and The Illuminati? There was a rare collusion between the two groups to distract everyone while they secretly and stealthily did something… I can’t find anything about it anywhere on the web, they’re that good. You never know what you don’t know. You know?
LikeLike
Or #7, definitely #7, they’re evil.
LikeLike
Totally off topic, I’ve been meaning to ask you, have you heard of the album “Songs in the Key of X”? It’s really good, because of the X of course 🙂
LikeLike
I have never heard of this album before. And I hate to admit, but I haven’t even watched X-files.
LikeLike
That’s ok, it’s a great album all the same, songs by Nick Cave, Foo Fighters, R.E.M. and author William S. Burroughs colllaborated on a song and many more gems to be discovered.
LikeLike
And they have so much money that they could easily afford it.
LikeLike
They’re not just good, they’re superb, magnificent, outstanding in their coverup skills. They’re so good that they completely slipped under the radar in my mind when I was writing this post.
P.S. Except I think that the solar eclipse was probably not the work of the Illuminati, but their rival and more shadowy group called “the Obscurati”.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This list got stronger and funnier as it went on.
LikeLike
And the best part was when it was over 🙂
LikeLike
Damn, Apple forgot to put me on their mailing list.
LikeLike
I think you’re supposed to live in a tent for a week in a line of people just to get on their mailing list.
LikeLike
No doubt in my mind that Ebola is part of Obama’s plot of setting the groundwork for the Anti-Christ.
LikeLike
But I thought Obama IS the Anti-Christ? Isn’t this the reason why he won’t show his birth certificate?
LikeLike
Oh crap … looks like I forgot.
LikeLike
Yes, we should ask exactly how long it will take for Obama to come up with a cure for solar eclipses – IF they even exist. But he’s probably too busy spitting into the cokes of everyone at Fox News after purposely exposing himself to the disease.
LikeLike
Obama obviously has to give at least $100 Trillion to the military so that they’d be able to invade the Sun at the moment’s notice to liberate it and defend it from the sneak attack by the Moon.
LikeLike
Personally, I intend to blame Ned Hickson.
LikeLike
I can see no problem with that. It’s not like he’s going to drive all the way from Oregon to complain.
LikeLike
I hadn’t stopped laughing at number 8 when number 9 just reinfected me…..
LikeLike
My grown daughter looked at it long enough to freak herself out about blinding herself. **face palm**
LikeLike
You know, a face palm is very effective in preventing the damage to the eyes.
LikeLike
1,7, and 10 are my faves. They made me laugh the loudest. Obama is blamed for pretty much anything these days. He’s become a boogieman to scare young republicans into staying in their cribs at night, although I understand they learn how to escape the cribs by age eighteen. 😉
LikeLike
This was definitely Obama’s fault. Also, I sat in my car looking through the tint, while wearing glasses, and still pretty much blinded myself and saw spots the rest of the day. Some people never learn…
LikeLike
I’m not saying I buy into that Exxon conspiracy thing, but the fact is, all the solar powered cars DID die on the highway during the eclipse.
LikeLike
5) made me spit up a drink I hadn’t ingested. Now that’s a heck of a trick, X. I also appreciate the baseball mention, not to mention the consistent flogging of that no-good, unpopular cretin that runs your country and is assuredly responsible for pretty much anything bad.
LikeLike