“Omigawd, can he pardon that stupid bird already?”
Image source: Dailymail
This Thanksgiving weekend, President Obama has pardoned a turkey in a traditional ceremony. However, it wasn’t the President or the turkey who attracted the most attention, but the President’s daughters, Sasha, 13, and Malia, 16, who were visibly frowning and fidgeting throughout the entire televised ceremony. In fact, one Republican political staffer became so incensed by Sasha and Malia’s demeanor and clothing choices, that she posted an angry Facebook rant chastising their behavior and appearance, was immediately criticized for it, apologized, and finally resigned from her job. (So thanks a lot, Sasha and Malia, for piling on even more American job losses). And since the First Daughters would have to face TV cameras many more times in the future, here are 10 new etiquette rules Sasha and Malia must follow to avert any possible Republican outrage about their disrespectful and un-American attitude and attire.
1) While present at any official functions, you must never act as if you’re bored. Instead, you must always show that you’re outraged by your father’s tyrannical actions. This should not be hard since this is a normal teenager behavior.
2) You must always wear clothing as modest and non-revealing as possible. A burqa or a niqab would be a good start.
3) You must always wear an American flag pin to demonstrate your allegiance to the nation. And since this pin might not be visible when you turn away, you must wear another American flag pin on your back, and two more on your shoulders.
4) You should never stay out too late, and always be home on time. This is one rule you are not taking seriously at all, because you two, and all of your family were supposed to have been back to your home in Chicago by 2012 at the latest.
5) Do not ever throw temper tantrums. That’s what Congressional Republicans are here for.
6) No playing on your cell phones, texting, tweeting, or Facebooking while you’re on TV. This is important, because Internet users will notice you tweeting, and will start tweeting about you tweeting, and if you also start tweeting about the Internet tweeting about you tweeting, this would will create an ever-expanding Internet tweetback loop which could bring down the entire Internet.
7) You should never argue with adults. Always remember, adults are always right and know better than you or your dad.
8) If you have done anything wrong, you must apologize. However, since apologizing makes America look weak, you will then have to apologize for making America look weak, then apologize for apologizing, and so on.
9) No one told you to stop apologizing and move on the next advice. Go back to #8, but not before you’re done apologizing for ceasing your apologizing too early.
10) To represent the “real” America, you should try to look as white as possible, and judging by your recent photos, you’re not trying hard enough.
List of X 
Teenagers who behave like teenagers? Whoever heard of that?? What will America come up with next???
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Apparently, this is a country where adults behave like teenagers yet expect teenagers to behave like adults.
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Maybe they had just learned that he was having the NSA keep tabs on their social lives…
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Actually, the NSA surveillance might be unnecessary, because their dad sends a couple of bodyguards to follow Sasha and Malia to every one of their parties and dates.
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But are the bodyguards trustworthy?
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Hmm. Considering that they are Secret Service, the answer is probably “No”.
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And this behaviour is so 450 BC – “The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise” quote Socrates
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“And they keep staring into their clay tablets all damn day” a quote just now attributed to Plato.
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A burqa or a niqab would be a good start.
Perfect!
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And it should be made from Stars and Stripes, obviously.
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LOL! You could also have Confederate burqa’s, for the ladies o the south
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OK, that just killed me, though I think the stereotypical southern girls would go for camo options as it’s huntin’ season now.
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LOL! True
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It’s also winter now, so they could just dress in layers: flag layer, camo layer, flag layer, camo layer, then wrap the Constitution around for extra warmth.
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Just make sure the second amendment is in extra large print. That’s the only part that counts.
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And not even all of it, just “…the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed” half of it.
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Perhaps the Wayans brothers flick “White Chicks” should be required viewing for the girls. Either that, or hanging out more with the Bidens.
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Perhaps, but at that time their required viewing was their dad making all these stupid jokes and pardoning that stupid white turkey.
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Maybe they could even hang out with Miley Cyrus.
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I think you have to be 18 to hang out with Miley Cyrus.
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Put on a HAPPY FACE, dammit. I have a 13-year old daughter and take it from me pal, happy faces are hard to come by and years away. He’s lucky they didn’t shout out anything inappropriate.
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I think those WERE their happy faces. But just to be on the safe side, Sasha and Malia had to stand 15 feet away from the nearest microphone.
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Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
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Thank you for the reblog!
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#5!!
I agree with Exile, my son is 12. If he was there, oh my Holy Mood Swing. He’d be slumped over with his hair in his eyes, smirking like crazy and yelling out stuff like “This is so stupid! GAWD! I hate this! I hate turkeys! I hate my life!”
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Sounds like you have some work to do if you ever plan on becoming president and get into the business of pardoning turkeys.
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These girls have to be on all the time. Apparently, they turned off the switch.
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What if it were their “On” faces?
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I think a “I Heart Eric Holder” sign would make a nice addition to these events.
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…and pin it on a Che Guevara or Karl Marx T-shirt. I wonder what Tea Party would make of this story then. 🙂
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#10 is a real zinger and gets to the real heart of the matter. And aren’t teenaged girls supposed to look bored. How many times have they watched their Dad pardon a turkey? It gets old.
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I know, they must have watched this spectacle six times already. But I bet they could feign some interest if dad was pardoning Justin Bieber.
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That would be a national uproar…we’d start a war with Canada over that one.
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Wait, are you saying Canada DOESN’T want Bieber pardoned?
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Great list loaded with zingers, but something about #7 hit me the most.
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Because you’re an adult? 🙂
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a most excellent post. nice job of skewering of Lauten, et al.
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Thank you – I think Lauten was just unfortunate enough to go viral, but there were probably millions of others thinking or posting the same exact things.
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oh you can be sure of that.
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Until you put it in this context, I never stopped to wonder why they didn’t name their first daughter Burqa Obama? Kind of like Barack Obama, but more feminine.
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But we haven’t seen Sasha or Malia’s birth certificates, so are we really sure that both of them aren’t actually named Burqa?
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I’m not even sure aboiut MY birth certificate.
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This is one of your best efforts yet…
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Thank you!
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no… thank you
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That sounded really dry and clinical, didn’t it. I try not to just always say ‘awesome!!!’… but this really was awesome… and then some…awesomesome…
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That didn’t sound dry or clinical at all.
Anyway, I think you may find this helpful: http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/awesome
🙂
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I do all my poems and comments without resorting to a dictionary or thesaurus… it is a challenge.
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For me, it’s too much of a challenge without the thesaurus. So I have that site open almost always while I’m writing a post.
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I like to use what I already know. I also rarely Google things.
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My wife was telling me about the incident yesterday. I couldn’t believe someone could be so stupid as to criticize a couple of teenage girls. Great list as always.
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Criticizing the behavior of teenage girls is really just standard behavior for adults 🙂
But it’s mixing it up with politics what makes it novel.
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Reblogged this on MrMilitantNegro™.
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Thank you for the reblog!
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They’re both thinking, “Our dad’s the most powerful man in the world and he has to abase himself by pardoning a freakin’ turkey? We are so-o-o-o-o-o embarrassed!”
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I’m sure it’s just as embarrassing for Republicans in Congress: “We should be bombing Turkey, not pardoning it!”
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Brilliant, X. How long before Elizabeth Lauten has her own show on Fox?
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Thank you!
And I honestly don’t know – she may or she may not, but at some point Fox will have to stop giving a platform to all of these people, because it has to keep at least a few of them as viewers.
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Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
The topic continues to rage …. FIRST DAUGHTERS!!
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Thank you for the reblog!
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Welcome! Excellent post …
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Obviously this Republican staffer has never raised a teenager. All teens have a horrible demeanor and make suspicious fashion choices.
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This staffer may have never raised a teenager, but she must have been a teenager herself at some point – unless she somehow skipped the teenage years and went directly from a toddler to a Republican political operative.
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Seems to me she never emerged from her teenage years. Mentally speaking, that is.
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That seems even more plausible.
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I hear Sarah Palin’s daughter always had perfect demeanor. That stuff can get you in trouble, though!
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I never watched her reality show, so I don’t know.
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Oh I was talking about the election . . . oh wait, that was another reality show.
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Yeah. They are perfect in every way. We keep forgetting.
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That’s because we’re not perfect.
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Excellent! And you know what’s even better: Ms. “Classlessness” herself (Elizabeth Lauten) got fired! Is that schadenfreude on my part? Yes! Yes! Yes! I’ve reared two teenagers and Sasha and Malia were undeserving of this woman’s shaming–not to mention that racist undercurrent line of “dressed to go to a bar,” These people are determined to try and take our President down from every aspect. Now they attack his children who are simply lovely on all accounts. I’m sure Michelle is saying, “Lord, just two more years–help me hang on for two more years!”
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Oh, I’m pretty sure Michelle would have to hang on for at least three-four years more – Barack’s term may end in 2017, but Sasha will still be a 15-year-old teenager then 🙂
And yes, I did know that Ms. Classlessness is now also Ms. Joblessness. 🙂
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You could have simply dropped all the rest and left it with #10. That is the problem.
#5, now that is perfect.
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I could have left it at just #10, but then it wouldn’t be enough for a post.
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The rest was brilliant, as always.
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I’m of two minds about that. Your post is very funny, that’s a given. But you know Obama would know that the media and politicians would tear into his kids – so why did he take them with? I know it was too tempting to show family values and family at Thankgiving but his handlers should have known that teenagers’ natural state is sullen. This looks to me like a failure of advisors and handlers. You want to show teens happy catch them while they’re with friends or playing a sport or such. This looks like a failure to anticipate.
Of course, once it’s done then the media and politicians are assholes for jumping on it.
Thanks for the list X – very funny (and kind of sad)
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I’m sure it’s expected to bring the presidential brats along – if he hadn’t brought them, someone would be griping about how he DIDN’T bring them and what does he keep them in a closet or something? What a horrible father! It’s a no-win situation. You have to feel the most for those girls. Like Chelsea Clinton, going through your teenage years in the public eye is not fun.
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There probably would be a conspiracy theory that Sasha and Malia aren’t really his kids and are actually paid actors. In case you think I’m kidding, I have seen those chain e-mails complaining that we haven’t seen birth certificates for Sasha and Malia.
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I bet his kids were born in Kenya – to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
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I guess Obama and his handlers should have guessed that the media could behave like real jerks towards his kids. This wouldn’t be the first time, either. But it’s not fair to blame Barack for the reaction of the media, and it’s not like Barack can keep his kids in a closed room so that they’re never seen in public.
And also, you never know what really happened – what if the babysitter cancelled at the last minute?
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I LOVE you, X, you know that. As usual I laughed like crazy. Good grief, teens getting tired of being paraded around in front of the public eye? They should try drinking like the Bush twins – that might make it easier to look content.
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Oh yeah, Bush twins, I think those had never looked bored.
Also, alcohol isn’t known for making people look content – you’re probably thinking of weed 🙂
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Speaking of First Daughters, I once almost spilled a drink on Chelsea Clinton. That is all.
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What stopped you? The Secret Service?
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Mmmm, wonder if the Republican staffer who was incensed is raising teenagers? Or was once a teenager? Those who live in Republican houses should not throw stones.
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She may have skipped the teenage years and right from a toddler to a Republican staffer.
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Most Republicans were never teenagers. They were hatched that way.
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Or they may have been liberals when they were teenagers, and subsequently had to block out all memory of their teenage years from their brain.
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Or perhaps certain portions of their brains were surgically removed. 😉
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Obviously the snarky commenter has never had teenagers or she would realize that the Obama girls would be freaks of nature if they were NOT surly eye-rollers.
For the record, I left a brilliant comment here last week, but when I use my #^$&%( “smart” phone, that process only works about half the time. GRrrrrrrr.
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Even surly teens are not able to roll their eyes constantly, because at some point they’re going to get dizzy from constant view rotation. It’s possible that Barack was counting on that.
If your comment went into spam, I unfortunately couldn’t find it – unless it was one of those in Chinese or French.
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No, it’s not spam. I just can’t get comments to “stick” sometimes when I try to read and comment on my phone instead of on a land computer. I hit reply, or send or whatever, and I think the job is done but the comment has gone off into the atmosphere.
I often think my smart phone is deliberately trying to make me look stupid.
Is that a paranoid comment? Do you think it’s paranoid? You’re looking at me funny, aren’t you? Aren’t you???
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Not paranoid at all. In fact, I used to have the very same problem with my phone on some blogs.
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11. And if you cannot act white enough ( which requires the services of an authorized licensed southern aristocracy white meter reader to determine) then you must “Act” white which means you must take every precaution against any appearance of being associated with the African/American Culture – – which probably means you have to don “Anonymous” masks and move out of the presidential residence. (John at “My American Times,” – http://myamericantimes.blogspot.in/?m=0).
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I think they might just be satisfied with the ” move out of the presidential residence” part.
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You Obama girls should be ashamed. You knew those subtle looks would make some idiot shoot off her mouth and look like a complete fool. I know it’s fun when Republicans look stupid, but it’s not polite to bait simple animals. Now a perfectly good dimwit, blowhard has been forced into retirement. Don’t ever do that again…well, maybe 3 or 4 more times, but that’s IT!
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They’re just lucky that there are millions more blowhards where this one came from.
And, honestly, many don’t even need any baiting.
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Love the caption on the picture. This is a quick drive by, so I apologieze if I’m plagiarizing someone else’s comment. Haven’t read them all. This concludes this quick drive by.
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Thank you for dropping by and reading the post. And no, you don’t really have to read all the comments – and, actually, you aren’t even legally obligated to read the post itself, so thank you once again. 🙂
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They are the faces of Black Privilege!
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They are extremely privileged kids, no question about it, but that’s the first time I hear of Black Privilege.
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Dang I am the poster boy for bad spelling!
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Fixed the spelling for you. But if you insist on being a poster boy, I can fix it back 🙂
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Thanks X. Sure I am misspelling somewhere and don’t even know it!
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