There have been some speculation surrounding the fact that the Russian president Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for at least a week, and had canceled all of his recent meetings and appearances. It has been rumored that Putin may have died, or is having serious health issues, and the Russian government has been busy fighting these rumors. According to the Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov, there is nothing to worry about, President Putin’s health is great, and his handshake is so firm that he can break someone’s hand. So here are 10 theories explaining the disappearance of President Putin.
1) Vladimir Putin accidentally shook his left hand with his right hand and is in a hospital with multiple bone fractures.
2) He has discovered Netflix.
3) Olympic gymnast Alina Kabaeva, who is rumored to be Putin’s girlfriend, just had a baby, and a lot of men tend to disappear in this situation.
4) Putin is undergoing his annual chest hair wax, because it’s almost season for taking shirtless photos.
5) Vladimir Putin is definitely not fighting in Ukraine, not capturing key Ukrainian cities, and not single-handedly winning defensive victories there.
6) Vladimir Putin has gone into hiding when the investigators of a recent high-profile murder of the opposition leader Boris Nemtsov have announced that they are close to capturing the killer – to avoid distracting the investigators from their work, obviously.
7) President Putin had temporarily died and is currently resurrecting himself to officially attain the status of God of Russia. Also, after being reborn as a new man, he will become eligible to run for three more presidential terms.
8) Vladimir Putin is modeling for the new Where’s Vlado? children’s book series.
9) Some of Russia’s sovereign debt is overdue, and Putin is hiding from the collection agencies.
10) As they used to say at the KGB, Russia is a big country; people disappear all the time.
List of X 
Ha! Well done X. Love the pic of Putin on the milk carton – milking it for all it’s worth. I suspect the most likely explanation is that Putin never did exist. His character is a construct of the old KGB and over the years numerous actors have played him. My guess is that the latest actor’s contract ran out and Russia doesn’t have the money to hire him back. до свидания.
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That’s a very plausible theory, Paul. It would explain all the weird changes in his face as if he was getting plastic surgery – but probably they just replaced the actors.
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What? No gay lover? That would have been my guess.
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Considering Russia’s anti-gay laws, this would be a good reason to hide.
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I am surprised someone noticed.
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A lot of people are hoping for Putin to go missing, so it’s not that surprising.
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I’m going with Netflix. We all disappear into Netflix.
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I’ve done the same, too. But I at least try to show up at work.
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It is a necessary evil, isn’t it?
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It pays for the Netflix account.
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We’re trapped.
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Reblogged this on Will the real reality please stand up!.
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Thank you for the reblog!
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Vlad on the milk cartoon is a hoot. Maybe an Amber Alert is in order. In terms of the list, I was thinking along the lines that he issued an order for someone to take him out.
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Yeah – signing your name in the wrong place is a pretty common mistake, but it could be a problem when you’re filling out an assassination contract.
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A perfect explanation!
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So many possibilities, but I’m going to blame Netflix. No one is immune to binge-watching.
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Even having nuclear weapons will not protect you from a Netflix binge.
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Gosh, do you think his 15 minutes of fame were up? Maybe his mother-in-law was coming for a visit? Spring Training baseball (they invented it, you know)?
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It’s definitely not 15 minutes, because he’s been running Russia for 15 years already and is probably planning to run it for at least 15 more. And I know he deftly neutralized the mother-in-law threat by divorcing his wife recently.
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shhhhh… he is buried in my back yard…
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….right beside Jimmy Hoffa…
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You’re just saying that because you’re too busy to remove the dead grass from your lawn and want FBI and KGB to do it for you, aren’t you?
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dude… you are so suspicious… it is just that Amelia Earhart made the azaleas bloom so magnificently
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I think it mostly the work of your old gardener… who looks so familiar…. Elvis?
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He does make nice mulch
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He calls it “Thankyouvery mulch”.
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now that was funny
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#6 is probably too close to the truth. Love the milk carton!
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Thank you! But since this is Russia, that’s actually a vodka carton. 🙂
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I had no idea he had disappeared… I have an alternate theory. I think he’s busy impregnating himself to give birth to… himself. He is that good. Then he can do the Where Valdo books with… himself. It gets pretty twisted after that.
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He can also be cloning himself to create a master race of shirtless people.
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He is exactly that kind of bastard. Eventually, every member of the human race will have some Putin in them. I know you don’t drink X, but this might be a good time to start.
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Or should i say, will have some Putin put in them…
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Oh X….
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The chest hair wax. YES.
I’ve heard that hurts like a mother! I’d like to imagine him getting one.
I also support the idea of him engrossed in a Netflix binge. Breaking Bad?
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I don’t know, I think looking down from his nuclear-powered world domination perch, Putin may not find the show about a teacher playing around with chemistry sets and guns that gripping.
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EVERYONE LOVES BREAKING BAD!
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And this is why I am staying away from the show. There is a real risk I would get hooked and end up on the milk carton myself.
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always on the mark!
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Thank you!
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I’m still laughing. Funny stuff. I liked #1 best. Didn’t Kim Jong-un recently go missing for a few weeks? Maybe despotic rulers have a secret retreat somewhere, where they relax and rest up from all that oppressing and dictating they have to do.
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Yes, Kim did disappear for a few weeks recently too. And if there is a despotic ruler retreat somewhere, I’m pretty sure it would involve these despots getting oppressed themselves, possibly in some sort of 50 Shades style. 🙂
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Russia IS a big country. Which is of course why Sarah Palin can see it from her house… Oh, and do you think they have disappeared together? Please?
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I hope you’re right. And if that’s the case, I am now twice as sure that looking for Putin would be a bad idea.
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I like the broken hand theory!
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Now that theory did come from Steven Hawking. 🙂
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Why do I believe that?
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Because I’m so trustworthy.
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That’s it..
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There’s also a rumor that he’s been overthrown by the far-right congency in the Kremlin and is indisposed.
Are you trying to tell me there are people in the Russuian government who lean even further to the right than Vlad?! They have lucrative careers waiting for them at Fox News.
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I heard the rumor, but the far-right contingency would probably start bragging about it if they were successful, or at least start telling people that Putin is sick, or really busy, or has to go wrestle a bear somewhere. No, I think in order to overthrow him, they have to find him first, too.
There are definitely people to the right of Vlad (or to any direction of him) because in Russia, he is the center of the Universe 🙂
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I’m going to with #2. I too will disappear when the new season of Orange is released.
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Ok, then just don’t be surprised if KGB comes to check if you’re okay. 🙂
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I would expect nothing less.
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It’s a part of Netflix’ User Agreement which you probably haven’t read in full… 🙂
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Reading shit like user agreements is for suckers!
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Drone strikes have improved to pinpoint precision, he was erased.
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Ah. That explains why Obama is not at all concerned with Putin’s disappearance.
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Where’s Vlado…. Bwah ha ha ha! 😀
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Where’s Vlado would be a harder puzzle, since Vlado, unlike Waldo, has had secret agent training.
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They just released a new season of Vampire Diaries on Netflix, so yeah… I’m going with that theory.
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I’ve binge-watched seasons in two days, so he must be binging on something like Days of Our Lives.
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“Like the sand through a vodka bottle, so are the Day of Our Lives…”
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Chest waxing, yassss that is it. I am certain that is it. He cries like a baby and must kill all those involved.
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If he keeps doing that, Russia will run out of chest-waxers.
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I think you’ve nailed it here. He’s off getting a chest hair wax before shirtless season. It’s the most plausible explanation. On the other hand, I just looked up pics of Alina Kabaeva. If she were my “friend” I’d disappear once in a while too!
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And just for good measure, this is Putin’s personal photographer:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/juliaioffe/2011/06/15/meet-putins-new-personal-photographer/
Certainly helps explain all those photos of Putin doing macho stuff. 🙂
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Yowza! I wish my chiropractor looked like that. I’d go more often. So I guess it goes like this:
“Where is comrade, Putin?”
“In photography shoot.”
“Again?”
“Photographer is very thorough.”
“Is true. I saw fingernail marks on back!”
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By the way, if Putin had also hired a chiropractor, the fingernail marks on his back could be explained quite plausibly. 🙂
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I like the milk carton look. Heard he was with his baby moma who was birthing another ,mini me which is exactly what the world needs, right? LOL
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Putin isn’t going to be president forever. He’ll need someone to run the country in 30 years.
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OK, this is practically the best thing ever. Except for Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies.
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Why, thank you. And you don’t even have to pay $4 for this post or worry about the calories.
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The “separatists” are no stronger than when they were beaten back by Ukrainian forces. The difference is …and you know it, Ukraine cannot compete with the criminal Russian army!
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It’s not stopping Ukraine from trying. Maybe it’s because Russia keeps insisting that it’s somebody else’s criminal army.
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Hahaha – he temporarily died. Your lists always crack me up!
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I think he just drank some vodka and went off hunting bears. He’s still a russian in the end.
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Although after a certain amount of vodka, it’s not so much a hunt as a drunken bar brawl with a bear.
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He is really a KGB-generated hologram and the projector suffered a temporary short circuit — but it’s fixed now.
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