There have been some speculation surrounding the fact that the Russian president Vladimir Putin has not been seen in public for at least a week, and had canceled all of his recent meetings and appearances. It has been rumored that Putin may have died, or is having serious health issues, and the Russian government has been busy fighting these rumors. According to the Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov, there is nothing to worry about, President Putin’s health is great, and his handshake is so firm that he can break someone’s hand. So here are 10 theories explaining the disappearance of President Putin.
1) Vladimir Putin accidentally shook his left hand with his right hand and is in a hospital with multiple bone fractures.
2) He has discovered Netflix.
3) Olympic gymnast Alina Kabaeva, who is rumored to be Putin’s girlfriend, just had a baby, and a lot of men tend to disappear in this situation.
4) Putin is undergoing his annual chest hair wax, because it’s almost season for taking shirtless photos.
5) Vladimir Putin is definitely not fighting in Ukraine, not capturing key Ukrainian cities, and not single-handedly winning defensive victories there.
6) Vladimir Putin has gone into hiding when the investigators of a recent high-profile murder of the opposition leader Boris Nemtsov have announced that they are close to capturing the killer – to avoid distracting the investigators from their work, obviously.
7) President Putin had temporarily died and is currently resurrecting himself to officially attain the status of God of Russia. Also, after being reborn as a new man, he will become eligible to run for three more presidential terms.
8) Vladimir Putin is modeling for the new Where’s Vlado? children’s book series.
9) Some of Russia’s sovereign debt is overdue, and Putin is hiding from the collection agencies.
10) As they used to say at the KGB, Russia is a big country; people disappear all the time.
Ha! Well done X. Love the pic of Putin on the milk carton – milking it for all it’s worth. I suspect the most likely explanation is that Putin never did exist. His character is a construct of the old KGB and over the years numerous actors have played him. My guess is that the latest actor’s contract ran out and Russia doesn’t have the money to hire him back. до свидания.
LikeLike
That’s a very plausible theory, Paul. It would explain all the weird changes in his face as if he was getting plastic surgery – but probably they just replaced the actors.
LikeLike
What? No gay lover? That would have been my guess.
LikeLike
Considering Russia’s anti-gay laws, this would be a good reason to hide.
LikeLike
I am surprised someone noticed.
LikeLike
A lot of people are hoping for Putin to go missing, so it’s not that surprising.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m going with Netflix. We all disappear into Netflix.
LikeLike
I’ve done the same, too. But I at least try to show up at work.
LikeLike
It is a necessary evil, isn’t it?
LikeLike
It pays for the Netflix account.
LikeLike
We’re trapped.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Will the real reality please stand up!.
LikeLike
Thank you for the reblog!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Vlad on the milk cartoon is a hoot. Maybe an Amber Alert is in order. In terms of the list, I was thinking along the lines that he issued an order for someone to take him out.
LikeLike
Yeah – signing your name in the wrong place is a pretty common mistake, but it could be a problem when you’re filling out an assassination contract.
LikeLike
A perfect explanation!
LikeLike
So many possibilities, but I’m going to blame Netflix. No one is immune to binge-watching.
LikeLike
Even having nuclear weapons will not protect you from a Netflix binge.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gosh, do you think his 15 minutes of fame were up? Maybe his mother-in-law was coming for a visit? Spring Training baseball (they invented it, you know)?
LikeLike
It’s definitely not 15 minutes, because he’s been running Russia for 15 years already and is probably planning to run it for at least 15 more. And I know he deftly neutralized the mother-in-law threat by divorcing his wife recently.
LikeLike
shhhhh… he is buried in my back yard…
LikeLike
….right beside Jimmy Hoffa…
LikeLike
You’re just saying that because you’re too busy to remove the dead grass from your lawn and want FBI and KGB to do it for you, aren’t you?
LikeLike
dude… you are so suspicious… it is just that Amelia Earhart made the azaleas bloom so magnificently
LikeLike
I think it mostly the work of your old gardener… who looks so familiar…. Elvis?
LikeLike
He does make nice mulch
LikeLike
He calls it “Thankyouvery mulch”.
LikeLike
now that was funny
LikeLike
#6 is probably too close to the truth. Love the milk carton!
LikeLike
Thank you! But since this is Russia, that’s actually a vodka carton. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I had no idea he had disappeared… I have an alternate theory. I think he’s busy impregnating himself to give birth to… himself. He is that good. Then he can do the Where Valdo books with… himself. It gets pretty twisted after that.
LikeLike
He can also be cloning himself to create a master race of shirtless people.
LikeLike
He is exactly that kind of bastard. Eventually, every member of the human race will have some Putin in them. I know you don’t drink X, but this might be a good time to start.
LikeLike
Or should i say, will have some Putin put in them…
LikeLike
Oh X….
LikeLike
The chest hair wax. YES.
I’ve heard that hurts like a mother! I’d like to imagine him getting one.
I also support the idea of him engrossed in a Netflix binge. Breaking Bad?
LikeLike
I don’t know, I think looking down from his nuclear-powered world domination perch, Putin may not find the show about a teacher playing around with chemistry sets and guns that gripping.
LikeLike
EVERYONE LOVES BREAKING BAD!
LikeLike
And this is why I am staying away from the show. There is a real risk I would get hooked and end up on the milk carton myself.
LikeLike
always on the mark!
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
I’m still laughing. Funny stuff. I liked #1 best. Didn’t Kim Jong-un recently go missing for a few weeks? Maybe despotic rulers have a secret retreat somewhere, where they relax and rest up from all that oppressing and dictating they have to do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, Kim did disappear for a few weeks recently too. And if there is a despotic ruler retreat somewhere, I’m pretty sure it would involve these despots getting oppressed themselves, possibly in some sort of 50 Shades style. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Russia IS a big country. Which is of course why Sarah Palin can see it from her house… Oh, and do you think they have disappeared together? Please?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope you’re right. And if that’s the case, I am now twice as sure that looking for Putin would be a bad idea.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like the broken hand theory!
LikeLike
Now that theory did come from Steven Hawking. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why do I believe that?
LikeLike
Because I’m so trustworthy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s it..
LikeLike
There’s also a rumor that he’s been overthrown by the far-right congency in the Kremlin and is indisposed.
Are you trying to tell me there are people in the Russuian government who lean even further to the right than Vlad?! They have lucrative careers waiting for them at Fox News.
LikeLike
I heard the rumor, but the far-right contingency would probably start bragging about it if they were successful, or at least start telling people that Putin is sick, or really busy, or has to go wrestle a bear somewhere. No, I think in order to overthrow him, they have to find him first, too.
There are definitely people to the right of Vlad (or to any direction of him) because in Russia, he is the center of the Universe 🙂
LikeLike
I’m going to with #2. I too will disappear when the new season of Orange is released.
LikeLike
Ok, then just don’t be surprised if KGB comes to check if you’re okay. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would expect nothing less.
LikeLike
It’s a part of Netflix’ User Agreement which you probably haven’t read in full… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reading shit like user agreements is for suckers!
LikeLike
Drone strikes have improved to pinpoint precision, he was erased.
LikeLike
Ah. That explains why Obama is not at all concerned with Putin’s disappearance.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Where’s Vlado…. Bwah ha ha ha! 😀
LikeLike
Where’s Vlado would be a harder puzzle, since Vlado, unlike Waldo, has had secret agent training.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They just released a new season of Vampire Diaries on Netflix, so yeah… I’m going with that theory.
LikeLike
I’ve binge-watched seasons in two days, so he must be binging on something like Days of Our Lives.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Like the sand through a vodka bottle, so are the Day of Our Lives…”
LikeLike
Pingback: Quora
Chest waxing, yassss that is it. I am certain that is it. He cries like a baby and must kill all those involved.
LikeLike
If he keeps doing that, Russia will run out of chest-waxers.
LikeLike
I think you’ve nailed it here. He’s off getting a chest hair wax before shirtless season. It’s the most plausible explanation. On the other hand, I just looked up pics of Alina Kabaeva. If she were my “friend” I’d disappear once in a while too!
LikeLike
And just for good measure, this is Putin’s personal photographer:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/juliaioffe/2011/06/15/meet-putins-new-personal-photographer/
Certainly helps explain all those photos of Putin doing macho stuff. 🙂
LikeLike
Yowza! I wish my chiropractor looked like that. I’d go more often. So I guess it goes like this:
“Where is comrade, Putin?”
“In photography shoot.”
“Again?”
“Photographer is very thorough.”
“Is true. I saw fingernail marks on back!”
LikeLike
By the way, if Putin had also hired a chiropractor, the fingernail marks on his back could be explained quite plausibly. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like the milk carton look. Heard he was with his baby moma who was birthing another ,mini me which is exactly what the world needs, right? LOL
LikeLike
Putin isn’t going to be president forever. He’ll need someone to run the country in 30 years.
LikeLike
OK, this is practically the best thing ever. Except for Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies.
LikeLike
Why, thank you. And you don’t even have to pay $4 for this post or worry about the calories.
LikeLike
The “separatists” are no stronger than when they were beaten back by Ukrainian forces. The difference is …and you know it, Ukraine cannot compete with the criminal Russian army!
LikeLike
It’s not stopping Ukraine from trying. Maybe it’s because Russia keeps insisting that it’s somebody else’s criminal army.
LikeLike
Hahaha – he temporarily died. Your lists always crack me up!
LikeLike
I think he just drank some vodka and went off hunting bears. He’s still a russian in the end.
LikeLike
Although after a certain amount of vodka, it’s not so much a hunt as a drunken bar brawl with a bear.
LikeLike
He is really a KGB-generated hologram and the projector suffered a temporary short circuit — but it’s fixed now.
LikeLike
Pingback: Report: Putin Has Been Deposed In Silent Coup | Truth & Action