Thousands of Texans are preparing to defend the flag of Texas (also known as “the American flag for dummies”).
This summer, the United States military is planning to conduct a large-scale exercise in several Southwestern states – or that’s what they want you to believe. According to some Texan patriots, the U.S. government is actually scheming to invade the entire state of Texas, take away people’s guns, enslave people with Obamacare, and send them to FEMA concentration camps. This may sounds like a conspiracy theory to you, except that the governor of Texas actually ordered the Texas State Guard to monitor the US military exercises to make sure they don’t take over the state, which makes this invasion more real to the State of Texas than, say, global warming. Here are 10 reactions to this invasion/exercise.
1) Greg Abbott, Governor of Texas: “In order to prepare to defend Texas against the looming takeover by the federal government, I have declared a state of emergency and requested 10 billion dollars in disaster aid from the federal government.”
2) Ash Carter, US Secretary of Defense: “It’s possible that the next war will be in the Middle East, and therefore the drills will take place in Texas, because there is no better place to train for a Middle Eastern war than in an oil-rich state ruled by a theocratic regime.”
3) Dick Cheney, former Vice President of the United States: “Few people have as much experience in dragging America into wars as I do, and I am confident more than ever that the war against Texas will be a quick war and we will be greeted as liberators.”
4) Edward Snowden, privacy whistle-blower: “The fact that Texas National Guard will be monitoring the U.S. military is a very depressing sign: if even the military can’t get any privacy within the US, what hope is there for the rest of us?”
5) Texas state police: “We will not be involved in the monitoring, because we’re not equipped or trained to deal with armed white people.”
6) General Raymond Odierno, Chief of Staff of the US Army: “We actually tried to have this training exercise in the Northeast, but too many of our soldiers were getting PTSD just from driving in New England and New York traffic.”
7) Texas State Guard: “We have already began the monitoring the actions of the US military for any signs of unusual activity, and right now what we’re seeing is a bunch of sun-burned camo-wearin’ guys running around with assault rifles. Or, in other words, nothing out of the ordinary for Texas.”
8) George W. Bush, former Texas governor and US President: “I’m grateful to governor Abbott for helping shape my image as the smart governor of Texas”.
9) Association of US Defense Contractors: “According to our analysts, Texas poses a clear and present danger to the United States, and we strongly recommend that the Pentagon immediately order at least $500 billion worth of our latest military hardware to neutralize this threat.”
10) Gallup Research: We have asked the residents of Texas what they think about this situation, and here are the results: 45% responded that they are very concerned about the invasion, 35% responded that they aren’t worried, and 20% responded ‘Lo siente, no hablo Inglés’.”
List of X 
Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™.
LikeLike
Thank you for the reblog!
LikeLike
Hilarious X. I hear that the US government is going to start the invasion of Texas by hiring Pamela Geller and the American Freedom Defense Initiative (AFDI) to hold contests to find out who draws the best cartoon Mohammed in Texas. Then when the Islamic Fundamentalists start shooting, they are going to invade with the excuse that terrorism is a federal responsibility. I can’t see it happening – after all who would be stupid enough to hold a Mohammed cartoon convention? Bwahahahaha!
LikeLike
Well, it’s not like terrorists ever need a good reason to attack any particular target like malls, planes, trains, hotels, colleges. But at least we now know they are attracted to the Mohammed cartoon contests, so we could use those contests to catch more terrorists. (The Mohammed cartoon contests have to be good for something, right?).
So yeah, your plan could totally work.
LikeLike
Just like flies to sh*t – they can’t help themselves – either side.
LikeLike
Paul’s comment was hilariously dead on. And I fell in love with number #7… X, you produce magnificent material that never ceases to be topical, but always tempered with gut-busting humor! :O)
LikeLike
Thank you! I’m only being topical because I’m having trouble thinking up something truly original 🙂
LikeLike
Topical works, but I’m sure original is not beyond you. Either way I always have a good laugh in your blog. :O)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m flying through Dallas later this year. I’ll pack my passport, because you just never know.
LikeLike
Take a lighter, scissors, and a bottle of water, because you might be flying th through a war zone and may want to be well-armed to defend yourself (“well-armed” as defined by the TSA).
LikeLike
Texas Secessionist Army? Texarkana Stands Alone?
LikeLike
I meant the Traveller Stripsearch Agency.
LikeLike
This is funny until you consider the fact that there are people who actually believe this is going to happen. That takes all the fun out of it. For the record, I’m perfectly willing to support a full-scale takeover of Texas. It’s a shame that this can’t actually happen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was funny when it was just a few nuts running around with foam around the mouth yelling about federal invasion. It’s a whole new level of absurdity when the state governor is one of those nuts.
I’m not sure a military takeover is a good idea, but considering that the population of Texas becomes more and more Hispanic, it could go through a quiet takeover and become a blue state in some not too far off future.
LikeLike
WAIT WHAT? It’s not really going to happen? Well damn. 😉
LikeLike
We’ll find out soon enough. If you notice an large number of refugees from Texas, it means it did happen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha!
LikeLike
Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
What do they put in the water Texans drink? This may well be their real thoughts!
SMH …
LikeLike
They’re thinking about the water, too. Fluoridation is obviously yet another weapon of the feds.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Did you say that Floridians are a federal weapon? Is it the oranges? is it the inability to ever choose in an election? Is it the nearness to Cuba?
LikeLike
Of course the Floridians are a weapon. Their whole state looks like a gun!
LikeLiked by 1 person
#8.
LikeLike
Wait… are you George Bush?
LikeLike
State secret.
LikeLike
#3. This time he might actually be right if we invade Austin or San Antonio.
LikeLike
You’re probably right. But unfortunately, these Austin liberals may still habitually protest against this invasion too.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on The Fifth Column and commented:
Love this!
LikeLike
Thank you for the reblog!
LikeLike
Ha! Loved #8. I just heard about this. One more thing to make me shake my head as I sip my tea over the morning paper.
LikeLike
I don’t recommend shaking your head while sipping the tea, unless you want to spill your tea all over the newspaper. 🙂
LikeLike
Ha, good point. I’ll keep that in mind.
LikeLike
This is why I find the Second Amendment crowd stating they need guns to defend their liberty from the guv’mint. Bubba’s Milita going up against the Fifth Cavalry doesn’t seem like much of a contest, my guess is even ESPN wouldn’t cover it.
LikeLike
Maybe ESPN won’t, but give the coverage to Fox and prepare to see the reports of brave patriots constantly beating the government in every battle by strategically retreating again and again and lulling the feds into a sense of complacency before they strike the fatal blow to Obama.
LikeLike
By the way, effing brilliant, but #8 should have been from Rick Perry who presided offer the last such exercise with no fuss.
LikeLike
Thank you! Rick Perry probably does look smart compared to Abbott, but I think even G.W.Bush still looks smart next to Perry.
LikeLike
Nicely done, sir. When I first heard about this “conspiracy,” my eyes accidentally rolled to the back of my head and I had to bang it against a wall to get them to return to their normal frontwise position.
LikeLike
What if next time, instead of banging your head against the wall, you’d just listen to another ridiculous story like that, so that your eyes keep rolling until they are back in the right place?
LikeLike
Yer so smert.
LikeLike
I been lurnin’.
LikeLike
You Zeroed in on this one with drone-like accuracy, X!
LikeLike
Thank you – and unlike the drones, I guarantee zero innocent civilian casualties.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think we should build that border fence they are always talking about… and then swing it around Texas while we are at it, and leave them on the Mexico side.
LikeLike
Besides, they were a part of Mexico originally anyway, and they went to USA mainly because Mexico didn’t stem the flow of the illegal gringo immigrants.
LikeLike
HA… it comes full circle…
LikeLike
For the full circle, we need to give Texas back to the dinosaurs. And I think there may have been a sea over itonce.
LikeLike
Then we can have more fossil fuel from there
LikeLike
I always try to come up with a #11, X, but you’ve nailed this one perfectly. Well done.
LikeLike
Thank you! I’m sure there is a #11 here somewhere too. 🙂
LikeLike
I apologize, as a Texan I feel the need to apologize for the entire state of idiots. I don’t know what happened. Honestly we didn’t use to be this stupid. We had Anne Richards and we were good. Then that idiot Bush drove the stupid into the us, I think he sent out an all point call to action, if you are a moron come to Texas, join the fight to dumb down the state of Texas. Rick Perry answered the call, he rose to the top of the heap and with a little help from his friends he took on the franchise of ignorance with gusto. Here we are all these years later with the ‘best of the best’, the cream of the crop, the stupidest of the stupidest; Greg Abbott. I ask myself over and over, truly I do. How did we get here? How did this happen to us?
I am sorry, we are doomed here in Texas and with our doom we spread ignorance as if it were peanut butter on Wonder Bread.
(#5 & #8)
LikeLike
You have nothing to apologize for, Val. I’m sure you didn’t vote for any of the last three governors, so it’s not your fault that the Texas governor’s mansion is doing a real-life re-enactment of Dumb and Dumber.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gotta love GW’s comment! Meanwhile, I say instead of invading Texas, let them leave … then build the wall they been wanting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
and then we might see the ghost of Ronald Reagan pleading “Tear down that wall, Mr. Abbott!” 🙂
LikeLike
Perfect!
LikeLike