The most commonly proposed plan looked pretty much like this.
Last week, United States, Germany, France, Russia, and China have signed a deal with Iran which is supposed to make it harder for Iranians to build a nuclear bomb in exchange for easing sanctions against them. The agreement has been criticized by the Republicans in the US and Israel as a “bad deal”, and supporters of the deal insist that there isn’t any better way to stop Iran from going nuclear. Well, that’s obviously not true, because here are 10 people with their extremely realistic alternative proposals to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear bomb.
1) Rand Paul, Republican presidential candidate: “We should let the free market handle it: allow unregulated sales of nuclear weapons, and since there are many people who’d pay a lot of money for a nuclear bomb, Iran would quickly sell all of their nuclear bombs if offered a good enough price.”
2) Chris Christie, New Jersey governor / Republican presidential candidate: “We needed to negotiate tougher, negotiate like people in New Jersey do – jump Iranian negotiators in a dark alley and beat them up until they agree to all of our demands.”
3) Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel: “This is a bad deal! We need a better deal that completely dismantles Iranian nuclear program, gets Iran to recognize Israel and stop supporting terrorism, opens their markets, converts Iranians to Judaism, and refocuses Iranian agricultural sector to raise flying pigs and unicorns!”
4) Jeb Bush, Republican presidential candidate: “We should lower the taxes on the rich. I’m not sure why this is even a question – I’m not aware of a single issue that couldn’t be solved by lowering the taxes on the rich.”
5) Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs: “The US could ease sanctions just a little to allow Goldman Sachs into the Iranian financial markets. Our record speaks for itself – remember 2008 Great Recession? collapse of the Greek economy? Now imagine what we could do to Iran without the Federal Reserve or European Union to bail them out.”
6) Lindsey Graham, Republican presidential candidate: “We have to negotiate from the position of strength! And the best way to do that is to make it painfully clear to Iranians just how powerful American military really is, which is why I have been sending to Iranians all kinds of information like military base locations, air defense silo specifications, and blueprints for the latest F-35 fighter.”
7) Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook CEO: “We should open Iran to Facebook, and once Iranians start posting selfies and status updates, we’ll know whether and where Iran is making nuclear bombs even without any inspections.”
8) Scott Walker, (…yep, you guessed it…) Republican presidential candidate: “All options should be on the table… Well, not this deal, this deal is terrible… And not peace treaty, obviously… Ok, what I really mean is that all military options should be on the table.”
9) Brian Moynihan, CEO of Bank of America: “You should have asked our bank to write the text of agreement, so that if Iran misses even one inspection, America could foreclose and repossess Iran.”
10) Dick Cheney, ex-Vice President, possibly a Republican presidential candidate: “We should not hesitate to use military force. This will be a quick and easy war, and we will be greeted as liberators. Russia wouldn’t know what hit them…umm, sorry, did you say Iran?”
Do you have a plan?
Hat tip to twissblog for the inspiration.
List of X 
Leave it to Rand Paul; master of fuzzy logic. Ah, Chris Christie, carrying a big stick. No surprise there, because he’s a big guy. Am I the only one, or is Benjamin Netanyahu the only man with realistic expectations here? Jeb Bush? Auditioning for the role of the, Riddler in the new Batman movie? Lloyd Blankfein, this has a chance of working. So how come this idea found itself in here? You usually have to pay (and generously) for that kind of information. Fortunately the Iranians have Lindsey Graham. Facebook! Well that would work—but Mark, does anyone use Facebook anymore? Scott Walker is running for President? Hahahaha! X your standup routine always has one of these zingers! Loved it. B of A and ownage. Well, at least they have experience with this sort of thing! Dick Cheney; that poor marksman? 😀
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Benjamin Netanyahu is the only one of the group who legitimately has something to worry about if Iran gets a nuclear bomb, considering how often Iranian leaders promise to wipe Israel off the map.
Jeb Bush is under some serious peer pressure within his family – can you imagine, having half of living former presidents among the members of his family?
And yes, people still use Facebook. At least the uncool people like me do.
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I stand corrected on all counts. I’d sit corrected, but after the bandana was tied around my eyes, and a lit cigarette was placed on my lower lip, I felt the firing squad had the right to insist that I stand corrected.
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I heard Congress is planning a reform of criminal justice system, and I think one of the major changes will be that you’ll be allowed to sit in front of a firing squad instead of standing.
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I’ll not stand for this! 😀
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Well, that’s good news then.
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Face meet Palm….really on all the Presidential candidates I would like their face to meet my palm.
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And that’s probably why all these candidates are hanging around Iowa and New Hampshire, and don’t go near your state.
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This is likely true. But then my state spends it time doing ignorant stuff, like declaring cowboy hats the new state symbol, along with 79 other stupid things. I think that is what the count is up to.
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Texas’s state symbol is neither a Bible nor a gun? I’m impressed. 🙂
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I don’t know, there are 79 of them.
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Netanyahu’s is perfect. Made better only perhaps by adding, “and every Tuesday Iran, yes the whole country, must do lawn work across Israel… and help us build our wall.”
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Considering the size of their country, this condition doesn’t seem too onerous.
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…and make cocktails! 🙂
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But only non-alcoholic ones, because alcohol would be a deal-breaker for Iran.
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It’s unfair that Sarah Palin’s idea didn’t make the top ten, just because she doesn’t know that Iran is a country.
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She probably thinks that we should’ve never left Iran after we invaded them in 2003 to defeat Saddam Hussein.
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You don’t post often but when you do, you don’t mess around. What a thrill ride these are. The Netanyahu quote is my favorite. I’m typing this in Bryant Park, about a dozen or so blocks away from the Israeli consulate. I might run up the street, bang on the door and show it to them. I’ll let you know how hard they laughed.
You were right to leave Trump out of it. That’s too easy and he’s getting too much press, anyway.
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I would recommend against your way of visiting the Israeli consulate, because they probably had some unpleasant experience with people trying to run into their consulates.
Trump hasn’t made the list this time, but I intend to prominently feature him in the future – he’s just too easy of a target, and a lot of people do take him to be a serious candidate for some unknown reason.
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What do you mean? What could possibly go wrong? Are you suggesting they might not have a sense of humor about this? That would be most unfortunate.
I PRAY Trump makes it at least far enough to participate in the debates. What a fabulous circus that’ll be.
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Trump looks more and more serious in his pursuit of the White House – he even released his financial disclosure form as real candidates are supposed to do.
I’m sure Israelis will have a sense of humor for this list, but not so much for the “running toward the consulate and banging on the door” part, especially their security.
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Did you see his financial statement!? It was great! It detailed what a brilliant investor he is and then at the end said his net worth was—in all caps—”TEN BILLION DOLLARS.” God, I laughed all day at that. Remember when Mitt Romney tried never to discuss his wealth?
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I did not see the statement, but I read about it. I was curious to know whether Trump was making himself out to be richer that he really was, and he doesn’t seem to be.
Mitt Romney? With his puny $200 million, Romney is a minimum wage starving and homeless bum compared to Trump.
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Ha! Great post X. Love #3 – Israel’s reaction. It is my experience that you know you’ve done good when everyone complains – all for different reasons. Did you see Obama on The Daily Show this week? Too funny. Jon says to Obama that in the Middle East we’ve tried toppling gov’ts, training troops, taking over countries, bombing countries, building infrastructure and now, something completely out of the box – diplomacy. Ha!
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Well, not everyone is complaining. I think Iran seems to be pretty happy with the deal they got.
I haven’t seen the Daily Show with Obama yet. But if you keep giving out all the best jokes, I might not need to. :)))
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One very simple solution – just change the name of the country, and bingo, Iran will never have nuclear bombs.
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That’s probably how Pakistan suddenly became a nuclear state.
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I strongly believe in flying pigs and unicorns and so what could possibly go wrong with agreeing with everything Netanyahu says. After all, we in the US often follow yahoos.
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We even have our traditional Best Yahoo contest running now, and I think Donald Trump is winning so far.
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Congratulations on not entertaining opinions from The Donald.
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Poor Donald. He just can’t figure out why they won’t let him literally buy the entire election. It’s those people that still get to vote, that’s the problem!
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Democracy would be great if it weren’t for people.
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Those pesky people ruin EVERYTHING.
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When he’s president, he’ll sign an executive order to get that fixed.
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You’re giving me too much credit. The only reason I didn’t include an opinion from Trump is that I couldn’t make one up that would sound as satire and not as his actual reaction.
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Good point.
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I’m sure if Trump saw your list, he’d tell you he’s the one and only answer. Leave it to him, and the issue would be solved overnight. As would all the problems in the world. His hair hold special powers.
Great list as always!
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I don’t know if you remember, but he recently said that he has a fool-proof plan for defeating ISIS, but he’d only tell us what it is if he’s elected. I’m sure he has another secret plan for dealing with Iran, too.
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Yes, I imagine so. A president who keeps secrets is just what this country needs. 😉
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Yeah, all these Wikileaks and data hacks are starting to get pretty old…
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Great list. These all sound like solid plans. Between this and opening up relations with Cuba it looks like America is trying to get back with all the ex-girlfriends.
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Except for North Korea – her new baby-faced boyfriend is making her behave like a total bitch.
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He just won a landslide election.
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I’m sure Kim Jong Un’s would have been very concerned if his election lasted more than four hours,..
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Hahaha. I see what you did there.
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I love this, yet cringe at the same time because it’s all so true. All those Republican contenders, and not a single sane one in the bunch. Not only do we have bad repeats of the last election, we now have a bunch of new idiots. How many are there by now – like 67? You’re going to have comedy for months. And months.
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Compared to Donald Trump, nearly every other Republican candidate seems positively sane. Of course, he basically sucked out all of the media oxygen from the Republican campaign, and there is barely any reporting going on about the other 66 candidates. I expect a few of these 66 will attempt to get the attention back by trying to out-Trump Donald, and I have high hopes at least for Ted Cruz and Ben Carson.
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Sorry, I just can’t resist:
11. Real estate mogul and GOP gadfly: “Diplomats are all dummies. It’s obvious. If they weren’t, they would be rich. Like me. What I will do as president is get smarter negotiators. The Iranians won’t know what hit them!
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Then, I guess, the Iranians are smart, too, considering their extensive enrichment program.
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I must admit, I really thought Chris Christie was going to offer to eat all the nuclear bombs Iran could make.
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But then he’d want the Iranians nuclear program to continue so that he’d never run out of food.
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I sense a catch-22 conundrumy thing…
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Exactly.
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I do strive for exactiness…
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Haha! I love it. I think Mark Zukerberg has the answer. Give them Facebook and their nuclear scientists will be so busy taking selfies while eating their schwarma or sitting on the pot, they’ll never get anything done!
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And if Facebook isn’t enough, there’s Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, WordPress, Pinterest, and so on….
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There’s a little too much truth in this list.
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Yes, sorry, imagination just isn’t my strongest suit. 🙂
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Double-down on the economic sanctions to bring them to their knees … and then they’ll listen or get fired. (Donald Trump) …. of course, there is an embargo, so isn’t more embargo the same as what we have now?
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Well, we could always try to declare embargo against the embargo…
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Wouldn’t an embargo on the embargo actually lift the first embargo?
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I think not – having an embargo on embargo would prevent anyone from ever trying to lift the original embargo.
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I’m treating embargo on embargo as a double negative. Hmmmm …
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I think this would be much easier if you guys just paid us Canadians to take care of the Iranians. No one ever sees us coming. We’re really polite and our anthem is boring and we hibernate during the winters… but give us a bit of cash and a military target or two, and we’re dynamite. Look X, we’ll do this one for free if you want, just to get you hooked. If you could just wait until the summer’s over, that would be great please.
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But won’t you go into hibernation once the summer is over? Or is this a part of the military strategy?
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I think there may be a two-week window of pretty intense activity right at the transition point between summer and fall… generally it’s reserved for intense orgies and other debauchery, but we can redirect our efforts to nation-sponsored assassination without fuss. For a price, of course.
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I think that sounds like a pretty reasonable offer, and one on which both our Republicans and Democrats could agree – Democrats because America doesn’t have to go to war, and Republicans because Iran is still going to get bombed.
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I’m going out right now and buying all the flying pigs and unicorns I can find. When this becomes the only viable option, I will have cornered the market and make my fortune.
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At least keep in mind the possibility that Israel gets what it wants and Iran enters the unicorn market with its massive unicorn production capabilities, which would cause the unicorn bubble to burst and you’ll lose a lot of money. You should diversify and get some defense contractors stock in case the Republicans get their war.
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I gotta go with Zuckerberg on this one. Besides the selfies, once all the Iranians are fully involved in updating their statuses and playing Candy Crush, they won’t have time to figure out ways to totally obliterate everyone on the planet who doesn’t exactly agree with their ayatollahs.
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Or they will start playing Angry Birds, and rebuild their nuclear industry to make bigger and better tactical Angry Birds with 1000 mile flight radius.
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Yeah…there is that.
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And I choose number 3. Solely for the flying pigs. I don’t think your post was really meant to be like multiple choice format, but deal with it- choice 3 it is. Although we’ll have to do something about those bloody unicorns… they really have to go.
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