Reportedly, the Republican candidates are now forming a labor union with the slogan “Presidential candidates of the world, unite!”
Last week, CNBC channel had hosted the third Republican presidential debate, and the candidates haven’t been too happy with the way the network handled it. Nearly every campaign has complained how unfair questions from the debate moderators did not allow the candidates to showcase their toughness, readiness to face the challenges, and the idea of personal responsibility. So the Republican campaigns got together and decided to issue a list of demands that TV networks would have to meet if they ever hope to host any future debates. Here are 10 very minor changes that Republican candidates would like TV networks to make in the future debates.
1) Fact checkers should not be allowed to fact-check candidates’ statements, and if they even show up in the audience, should be arrested for trying to influence an election.
2) No “gotcha questions” will be allowed, such as any questions related to economy, foreign policy, or social issues.
3) Every debate moderator must be male, because no woman should be allowed to question Republican candidates, and should just vote as her husband tells her to.
4) When asking a question, a debate moderator must stand on his knees and not make eye contact with any of the candidates. He must refer to each candidate as “Master” or “Your Grace”.
5) The temperature in the hall must be kept under 67 degrees F, so that there would be no reason for anybody to bring up global warming.
6) Each candidate should have equal speaking time during the debate. None of that “inequality is the engine of growth” idiocy should be applied to any of the candidates.
7) TV cameras must not show any of the candidates from behind, especially when a candidate is consulting his or her notes, or is responding to his or her puppet strings.
8) TV cameras should not show any close ups of the audience unless at least one black person is visible on the screen. TV camera must not pan over from one audience section to the next until the black person had already moved to that next section.
9) The debate should last no more than two hours, allow all fifteen Republican candidates to be on stage, and give each of them at least 30 minutes of speaking time. Oh, and don’t bother arguing that these numbers don’t add up – the candidates have been using the same math in all Republican budgets for ages so it’s got to work.
10) At least 20 minutes should be set aside for burning effigies of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.
List of X 
#1 was a great start … #8 got the biggest roar … #10 is fitting … but a gotcha question is defined as a question they have to answer.
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In other words, the only questions allowed at the future debate would be rhetorical questions.
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Yes … along with the ones they pre-select.
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Like this one: “Wouldn’t president Trump be simply marvelous? “
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If and only if asked by Billy Crystal.
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Or by Donald Trump himself.
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PS: The next musical starts next week.
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I’ll keep my ear out. 🙂
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See the Hear Ye page or this weekend’s post.
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As for #8, it sounds like Carson is going to be at every debate from now on, whether he’s running or not
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And if the network can arrange so that Carson could answer the questions while sitting in the audience, they could kill two birds with one stone.
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PS: … Just heard the last half of an interview CNN did with Ben Carson … Yep – he hates answering questions, and those are the gotcha questions. He stokes his base, but pushes away the nonpartisans.
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Exactly. The less he actually says about how his presidency would work, the better are his chances.
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He was horrible in this interview … then again, it’s not like he ever had a chance for my vote.
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I want to root for Ben to push away all the folks — partisans and nonpartisans. Because the idea of a President Ben is more frightening than a President Trump.
Besides, where will we build those pyramid/grain silos?
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We could just use Trump hotels – judging by the number of bankruptcies they had, it’s not like they’re being used much anyway.
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I just read this article that will end up, if the MSM pays attention, bringing Carson down,
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2015/11/06/1445816/-Ben-Carson-fabricated-story-about-being-admitted-to-West-Point?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+dailykos%2Findex+%28Daily+Kos%29
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Even if the media cares, I’m sure it won’t. Who do you think the Carson voter base would believe, Ben Carson or their own two eyes?
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Way to crush my hope for humanity. Thanks, X
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The good news is that Carson base is only a small fraction of humanity. It could be as high as 20-30% in the U.S., probably.
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Elyse … .Ben is only a long shot at the nomination … and one with the chance of winning in November is one grain in a full silo.
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Especially now that folks are realizing that he’s a liar. Me, I’m shocked! Shocked!
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Relax … he was never in the real mix … he needs 9-9-9!
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I know Frank I was 90% sure the GOP hadn’t totally lost its collective mind.
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A 90% confidence factor is good … after all, gotta leave 10% for the loonies.
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Yup. The GOP is more than 90% loony, but they are a fickle lot.
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Fickle is being nice.
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Or 9-1-1 help pronto!
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I think you’re overestimating the significance of Carson being caught in yet another lie. There’s about 30%-40% of the electorate that would vote for a Republican liar, murderer, and pedophile before they vote for a Democrat. In fairness to them, it’s not as much about party loyalty as about being convinced that whatever Democratic candidate is running must be the Antichrist or at least his agent.
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People under anesthesia rarely talk back, Frank! Or if they do, he didn’t have to answer them. So Dr. Ben doesn’t have much practice with questions.
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But what about before and after anesthesia? I wonder if he told the patients that he has a list of demands they have to meet before he would answer any questions.
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You only see your doctor briefly after the surgery, and you are still very dopey (in fact, that’s exactly how he is acting. Maybe DR BEN was tapping into those anesthesia tanks!)
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He certainly looks sedated.
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That interview was horrible … and not the fault of the interviewer.
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Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™.
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Thank you for the reblog!
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Love your List of X
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For #10, those must be some small effegies, or is that just to have them start burning?
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No, these would be life-sized ones, and if they take longer to burn, the candidates will resume the debate with the effigies burning in the background.
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A terrific list, X. How about one more?
#11. Each candidate will be allowed to display not more than five American flags on and behind his podium and also five awards from the Defense industry.
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The actual list of demands had many more than 10 items, so feel free to keep adding. 🙂
And while we’re decorating the podiums, let’s not forget a large cross and a shiny new assault rifle.
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And everyone, moderators and audience members too, must wear American flag pins on both lapels.
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I was waiting for this one. I believe one of Ben Carson’s demands was to not televise any more debates, but instead broadcast them on the internet. But if too many people watch it on the internet, he might add an additional demand, requiring user names and passwords for potential viewers.
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And I assume that the username and password would be, respectively, “AmericanPatriot” and “BenCarson4President2016”.
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If it wasn’t you, I wouldn’t be sure whether this was satire.
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If it wasn’t me, I wouldn’t be sure either.
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#7 is very good, but #6? Never! This is socialism, where everyone is treated equality. They should prefer a dog on dog battle for time and let the the better man win, uh, but then that smacks too much of Evolution. Uh, random time, yeah, that’s the ticket, a lottery could be used to see who gets how many minutes.
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I think since it’s a Republican debate, I think the most appropriate way to divide the time between the candidates would be to auction off the minutes of talking time, and let the free market decide the winner.
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What an interesting idea. Fits right in with the 2011 Citizens United SCOTUS decision! Just think, with one more minor interpretation of the Constitution we could have President Goldman-Sachs!
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And even more appropriately, notice how the sign behind the candidates already says “Your money your vote”.
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I often spew beverages through my nose when I read your posts, X. But today at lunch a piece of chicken got stuck when I was laughing at #8. Ouch.
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I am sorry to hear that, although it’s usually good news when we’re moving to solid foods. 🙂
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SNAP!
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Oh those annoying facts are always getting in the way of everything. I see why they want the fact-checkers removed. It’s really hard to pull the wool over the voters’ eyes when people rudely inject reality into the process.
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You know, with your imagination, you could be a great Republican candidate…
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Really? I didn’t realize the Republican candidates had imagination. 😉
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But where else do they get the information about FEMA concentration camps, UN black helicopters, and other stuff like that?
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There’s three conspiracy theorists living in the New Mexico desert. Every now and then a special team wears tee-shirts with three random letters printed on them, like some obscure government agency. They go in and haul the three to jail, then record everything the theorists theorize about why they’re being held. That’s how they get their ideas. That’s also why republicans think that AGW is a conspiracy, because all their ideas come from conspiracy theorists. 😉
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See – there’s a story for your blog right there. 🙂
Also, I expect they’ve been preparing for the US takeover by NFL and ABBA. 🙂
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Figures. They already believe that OSHA is a terrorist organization. 😉
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So “Boxers or briefs?” is still on the table? Interesting. . .
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I’m not really sure I want to see Republican candidates’ either boxers or briefs on the table. 🙂
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Very very nice…really love it
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Thank you!
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Why haven’t you run for public office, X?
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Because mocking politicians on the internet is much less stressful than actually being one.
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I weep with the truth of these. You are running very close these days are you certain you didn’t listen in to a conversation between Trumpet and all those nice media types?
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I’m pretty certain I didn’t. They’ve actually posted a long list of their demands, and I just had to modify a few of them slightly.
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You must never stop writing lists lest my only source of news become Facebook, which you know always has the most up-to-date trending news. For instance, did you know that Napoleon Dynamite was seen asking Adele for chapstick on a Vine video mashup? Do you know what any of that means? I don’t. I do have questions for the next Republican debate such as “Just how many more dozens of debates will there be” and “How many candidates do you have anyway?” They seem to multiple overnight, like those Gremlin things.
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I know who Adele is, but not Napoleon Dynamite. He’s not running for president, I think, but I’m not entirely sure.
But I can answer the next question, though – “a freaking lot”, and “15 to 20, depending on the weather – cooler temperatures make some of the weaker candidates fall into hibernation.”
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I know this is parody but I’m kind of on board with the 2-hour limit. Seriously. I usually zone out after that, anyway. If there’s anything important they want to say, they’d better say it within the first two hours or they run the risk of losing me. Unless your last name is Shakespeare, nothing should be over two hours long.
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The 2 hour limit is an actual requirement, and it would probably be enough if not for the fact that with 10 candidates on stage, they’re not going to be talking much anyway, and since they’re all politicians, they’re not going to use it to say anything substantive anyway.
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They should put them all in the Octagon and let them slug it out. Isn’t that how it was done in the U.S.S.R.?
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Almost, but not quite. In the Soviet Union, they would put only one candidate on the ballot (to save the paper and trees and to make the voting process as simplified and intuitive as possible). Then, they would grab those few people who tried to write in other candidate names and put those troublemakers into large Octagon-like enclosures.
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I believe those octagon-like enclosures were called gulags.
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They were called “correctional labor camps” or “colonies”. GULAG was the name of the agency that ran them.
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Thank you!
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11. They could all just become democrats…
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Nothing worse than those pesky “gotcha” questions about so called “important” matters. Waste of time.
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Yeah, judging by the last debate, the only things that the candidates really want to talk about was their families, and how Obama is destroying the American economy with this non-stop job growth.
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