If the global warming trends continue, this is what the North Pole is predicted to look like in a few decades. Image source: meic.org
Last weekend, after long and difficult negotiations, representatives from 195 countries agreed to historic plan to lower the carbon emissions and slow down the climate change. The signers included countries from as large as the United States and China to tiny island nations like Nauru that could disappear due to the rising sea levels. It’s not exactly clear what the agreement will actually accomplish, since while the countries set the goals to reduce the greenhouse gas emissions, there is nothing that would enforce these goals – which is kind of like making prison optional for bank robbers as long as they promise to not rob any more banks. But at least it’s better than nothing and gives some hope to those who are concerned about the global warming – or adds to angst of those who think global warming is a hoax. Here 10 of the reactions to the climate change agreement.
1) Marco Rubio, Republican Senator: “I think this is a terrible deal. Frankly, any deal is a failure if it doesn’t repeal Obamacare and doesn’t stop Iran from building nuclear bombs.”
2) Donald Trump, reality TV star: “Obama is a weak leader and an incompetent negotiator. If I were doing the negotiating, I would negotiate the planet right back into the ice age!”
3) Ted Cruz, Republican Senator: It might be possible that this global warming is real, which is why we should immediately nuke the Middle East. Not only this bombing would destroy ISIS, but an added benefit is that a nuclear war would lead to nuclear winter, which is the only thing that can successfully lower the global temperatures.
4) Baron Waca, President of Nauru: We’re glad that there is an agreement, but since it’s not binding, we’re still ordering the life rafts.
5) North American Association of Polar Bears: “Do they have these life rafts in white?”
6) Rush Limbaugh, major greenhouse gas emitter: “I don’t think we need to worry about global warming, and it’s certainly not man-made. It’s all just natural cycles – basic science says that whenever there is a global warming in the North Hemisphere, there’s a global cooling in the Southern Hemisphere, and vice versa.”
7) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “I really hope this agreement fails, or there goes our hope for finally making Siberia habitable.”
8) U.S. Chamber of Commerce: “This deal will cost jobs – and not just thousands of jobs of coal miners and oil workers. Think of the millions of potential jobs that could be created rebuilding the cities and infrastructure ravaged by constant floods due to rising sea levels!
9) Pete Roleum, oil industry analyst: “As bad as this agreement might be for the industry, it’s good that it’s happening now – when the price of oil is as low as it is now, it probably makes more economic sense for the oil companies to pump the oil back into the ground.”
10) Ben Carson, amateur historian: “I don’t think global warming is real. And even if it is, we don’t have to worry about it, because we can just store all the snow we need in the pyramids.”
List of X 
So, what does this warming thing lead to? Death of the race? Well, it could solve most of the problems the world is facing today. This movement bears watching.
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You’re not serious, are you?
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I am on the lookout for superior alternatives. Suggestions welcome 🙂
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We pretty much have to get to the point where we create zero greenhouse gas emissions to hope to stop global warming, and right now the death of the human race seems to be the most realistic way to get there.
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But Ankur, the Polar bears are already watching! 😉
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…and, if their habitat, and with it food, runs out, they might be forced to adopt a weight-watching diet as well.
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You mean, the Federal Bear of Investigations is watching? 🙂
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I don’t know if I’ve just missed it, or there really hasn’t been anything, but I’ve been surprised by (what appears to be) a total absence of Republican whining over the Paris agreement.
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Normally, they would’ve been all over it, but right now they’re preoccupied with much more global problems like ISIS and War on Christmas.
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Brilliant, mate!
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I think that the Republicans have quieted down a lot about climate change since ExxonMobile is getting examined about what it knew and what it publically said about the issue.
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I’ve been surprised they haven’t been on the debate stage screaming HOAX!!! There’s no end to the stupidity of these science deniers…. But the pyramids were grain storage units 🙂
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I haven’t been watching these debates. Do they even get asked about the global warming?
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I haven’t watched, either. Just see the highlights reels
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I think the Republicans are distracted by terrorists and Donald Trump at the moment. However, since it’s still more profitable to ExxonMobil for global warming to be a hoax, they will continue spending millions to deny it, and Republicans will continue voting against doing anything to stop the climate change. I’m sure we’ll see that the next time climate change comes up in Congress.
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Between the amount of hot gas coming out of his mouth and the toxic pollutants found in whatever it is he uses to keep his hair looking like frozen wheat, Donald Trump alone is responsible for most global warming. It’s just a natural cycle though, and we shouldn’t worry about him.
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I don’t know if Donald Trump is the problem – after all, he’s running on 100% renewable energy of hate and xenophobia.
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Is that what it’s been reduced to? Better than nothing? Progress really is a slow-moving freighter.
I liked that you tagged Trump as a reality TV star instead of real estate mogul. It speaks to the trajectory of his career.
Nice to see an oil executive flat on his ass. Kind of makes you feel all warm and Christmas-y inside, doesn’t it?
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I think it’s fair to call Trump a reality show star rather than a real estate mogul. How many real estate moguls who aren’t reality TV stars can an average American name?
As for progress, it can move pretty fast unless there’s a well-funded industry that can afford to spend billions to claim that we don’t really need progress and we can rely on God and 19th century technology.
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Well, it’s going to be downright balmy here in Maine on Christmas Day, but I’m still not sure if it’s hot air due to global warming or just Rush Limbaugh is in town.
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It’s also so warm here that cherry trees think it’s spring and are blooming. Maybe Rush’s show installed a transmitter in our state.
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Awesome… I like it when somebody says it is cold outside so climate change must be a hoax or a mistake… like this isn’t a closed ecosystem where warmth in one place can generate increased cold in another… like global warming means it has to always be warmer everywhere.
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I live on one of the few areas of the globe that seems to be cooler than the average every year. Yet even here, cherry trees think it’s spring.
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maybe it is all a mistake…
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Brilliant, as usual, but the lead into #6 was LOL funny! I can see the headlines now: “Bloviators major cause of climate change!”
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The hot air they emit is probably responsible for the unseasonably warm December.
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Pete Roleum.
Groan.
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I wasn’t about to give the oil analysts the honor of googling their actual names.
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You make me weep with the accuracy of your satirical take, especially on those who would be president. Putin though, yeah I can see where this might be a benefit for all the refugees Russia is taking in.
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Russia would probably be one of the very few countries that would benefit from the climate change. But refugees? I didn’t know they were taking in refugees – I’m guessing they’re creating more refugees than they’re taking.
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That was sarcasm X.
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Great list! The only thing missing is a quote from Chinese Premier Li Keqiang. But I don’t know how to write “yeah, right…like we’re going to do any of THAT stuff!” in Chinese characters, either.
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I think the Chinese word for “I’m not going to do anything useful” is “zen”.
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….And perhaps this from Jeb Bush: “This is a definite ploy to prevent and eliminate the Bush family from signing a historic accord (by signing this before 2017)”
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Judging by Jeb’s recent polls, it’s probably safe to say that Bush family will still be prevented from signing it even in 2017.
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“…which is kind of like making prison optional for bank robbers as long as they promise to not rob any more banks.” hehehe!
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That Trump. So reasonable.
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He’s not just “reasonable”. He’s yuuuugely reasonable!
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My daughter said “I think these quotes are made up. Well, except maybe Trump’s.” Because that moron will say anything. Are you doing something with the potty break? Because someone has to write about that. They just HAVE TO.
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You know what’s funny? I already did. Six years ago, even before I had a blog, I wrote a satirical post on Facebook about how the fact that one candidate uses a bathroom defines the election. Do you want it as a guest post?
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Seriously? That’s hilarious. The link just gave me a bunch of nonsense. Was it hooked to Trump?
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There wasn’t any link to that post, i think it’s just another WordPress update made voting buttons show up as a link.
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I’ll need to translate that post to English first, though, and I’ll send it to you.
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Reality is killing the power of satire. All of these reactions are so close to legitimate sound bytes you might expect from these personalities.
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I try to make it believable, so I end up walking the fine line between the things these people actually said in the past and the things they might eventually say in the future.
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Bill Simmons has a concept called the Tyson Zone–named for Mike Tyson–in which a celebrity’s behavior becomes so crazy that we’ll literally believe any story we hear about that celebrity. Trump has entered the Tyson Zone in which you could make up the most insane quote, attribute it to Trump, and the public would shrug.
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