“What do we want??”
“YOU TO DO THE THINGS!”
“When do we want it?”
“NOW!”
In the last few months, a lot of people, including many in the media and in the Obama administration, have been arguing that certain things, like demonizing Muslims or refusing Syrian refugees, are exactly what ISIS wants, and if we want to defeat ISIS, we must stop doing these things. Therefore, whenever you’re thinking of doing anything, you should always consider whether it might be something that ISIS wants. Unfortunately, it may be difficult to contact your nearest ISIS representative to get clear guidance on whether they would approve of your action or not, but, apparently, ISIS wants to radicalize all Muslims, and kill all non-Muslims, so ISIS would want us to do whatever things that helps them reach these two objectives. So to help you, here are 10 of the things that ISIS wants and we therefore must immediately stop doing.
1) Arguing we should refuse any Syrian refugees: According to the Obama administration, closing the border to Syrian refugees would force them to radicalize, which would play right into ISIS’ hands. Therefore, if we want to deny ISIS the access to thousands of radicalized extremists, we need to take in the very people who are most likely to radicalize – even better if they’ve already radicalized. This is why the proposed refugee vetting process will be so important.
2) Binge-watching Netflix while binge-eating ice-cream and Cheetos: Sedentary lifestyle and heart disease are the largest killers of Americans. I imagine ISIS can’t wait for you to plop on the couch in front of your TV and click on the next episode of Scandal.
3) Driving to work: Automobile accidents kill thousands of Americans every year, so tell your boss you won’t come to work because that would be exactly what ISIS wants.
4) Demanding that we fight ISIS with airstrikes and troops on the ground: ISIS wants to drag the West into a full-scale war, because it helps them raise the profile of their organization and radicalize more Muslims.
5) Owning a gun: Statistically, if you own a gun, you’re about a thousand times more likely to get shot with it than to actually use it to defend yourself against an Islamic terrorist, thus saving ISIS the effort of actually training terrorists.
6) Criticizing people who draw cartoons of prophet Muhammad for offending Muslims: This isn’t just what ISIS wants, it’s what ISIS actually does.
7) Taking care of the environment: ISIS is planning to establish a worldwide caliphate, so they obviously want the planet to remain habitable.
8) Saying “Merry Christmas”: This excludes and alienates Muslims, which can lead to their radicalization. (However, saying “Happy Holidays” instead radicalizes Christians, who then in turn get angry at Muslims, thus once again radicalizing Muslims. Oh, and I hope you’re not planning to solve this dilemma by staying home and watching Netflix.)
9) Going to a Christmas or New Years parties: Going to parties during the height of the flu season helps spread germs. Don’t become an unwitting biological warfare pawn of ISIS.
10) Ignoring this post and not sharing it on social media: ISIS wants to be taken seriously, and simply by reading this post you’re doing your part in the fight against ISIS.
Feel free to add more things we need to stop doing. And Merry Chr… ummm… I mean, Happy Ho…ermmm… Joyful Days Off to you all!
List of X 
I’m not a big fan of either side of the political aisle saying the exercising of free speech might embolden our enemies. During the build-up to the Iraq War we heard the Right saying any criticism of the war would embolden America’s enemies and might actually lead to more terrorism. Now we hear the Left saying any questions about Radical Islam will embolden the terrorists. It seems we’re getting closer to a world in which all questions could theoretically lead somebody somewhere to violence.
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Which is kind of the point of this post: doing anything can be construed as helping ISIS and encouraging terrorism.
But just in case, I’ll be working from home tomorrow.
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The top US song of 2015: “I’ve got ISIS on my mind”
Have a great Christmas, X, and thanks for the laughs.
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And the song #2 for 2015: Trumpthumping.
And Merry Christmas to you too!
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…and how about X continuing to post ridiculously funny articles on his blog? Can only lead people to flee from any place and society that allows such free speech and debate. And where does that road lead???
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Yes, free speech can’t possibly lead to anything good. I mean, even when the speech is restricted you can usually say all kinds of positive things, but it takes free speech to allow complaining, whining, criticism, and all other kinds of negative speech.
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Maybe Americans need to stop not being in ISIS…..if we all join, then ISIS will implode with self hate. There’s no way that wouldn’t work.
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I can just imagine a part of ISIS then arguing things like “No Muslim should be allowed to lead ISIS”, or “Where’s al-Bagdadi’s birth certificate? What if he’s a Kenyan socialist?”, or “we should secede from ISIS and form a better ISIS because we disagree that there should be any minimum wage or health insurance for ISIS fighters!”
Yeah, this could totally work.
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To fit for the season, ISIS wants us to order online because we are scared to go to the mall. Bestivus of seasons greetings to you.
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So let’s hope that ISIS doesn’t own stock in Amazon, because we’d be left with bartering and do-it-yourself things.
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… and that’s what they want.
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This post comes just in time. Yesterday the wife and I nearly got run down in a parking lot by a speeding teenager in a car full of his friends and last night we barely avoided being in a collision of two cars in front of us. Everybody is running around DISTRACTED and I’m certain it’s because of ISIS. I’m going to withdraw from society now and hunker down with my new AR-15. (Will FEDEX deliver ammo to my front door? Just wondering.) Thanks, X!
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Play your cards right, Jim, and you can even shoot the bill collector!
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Joyous Day off!
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“Officer, this man tried to take my money and made some threats to me that bad things will happen to me if i don’t give him the money, which made me feel threatened.”
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Exactly. Stand your ground, Jim!
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AR-15 might not be enough to hold off all this mayhem and stop a speeding car heading straight for you. I would suggest you ask Amazon to deliver your some anti-tank missiles from one of their drones. (Just don’t click on “Instant Delivery”!)
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Great idea, X. There are other benefits to this. Because we’re all wearing flak jackets I was able to turn the heat down 5 degrees!
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We had a 70F day today, which means only Kevlar vests weren’t too warm for the weather.
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My dear X,
Your post has left me wondering whether it is safe to already be at work, because there are windows here in my office and a terrorist could terrorize others by shooting me … If I had only read your post before heading to work, I would have stayed home. Safe, except from possible home invaders. Life didn’t used to be quite so complicated.
Have a Joyous Day/Days off, X. Thanks for your always astute observations.
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I think if you’re already at work, you might already be safer than at home, because, statistically, you’re in much more danger from your friends and family than from colleagues and terrorists.
On that note, have a Merry Christmas with your friends and family. 🙂
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Merry Christmas to you, too, X.
And I may not be totally safe here. This is a very international crowd — 15 people, 9 nationalities. So we might just be harboring terrorists. Or illegals. Or something else that Donald Trump dislikes…. I’ll keep my head down, though.
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Not all nationalities are equally dangerous. You only need to watch out for the really dangerous ones, like Syrians, North Koreans, or Americans.
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As a follower of Isis, I feel offended by this post. Isis represents the ideal mother and wife. She is also the patroness of nature and magic. She’s the first daughter of Geb (not to be mistaken with Jeb Bush), who is the God of the Earth, and Nut, who is the Goddess of the Sky.
If you continue to insult her, she will shed tears of sorrow that will flood the Nile. This will cause mass starvation, warfare, and a pestilence upon the earth. So please be kind to Isis, and may you live in peace, and be fruitful, and have many children and a good, obedient wife.
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I apologize. I read the first five words of your comment and called the FBI.
Then i read the whole thing, and I realized I made the right call, because we can’t let your goddess win either. And no one can threaten America with warfare. That’s our thing. And we can also make our own mass starvation (thanks to food stamps-cutting politicians) and pestilence (thanks to vaccine skeptics).
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At least I’m safe with #9. Parties aren’t my thing. Neither is the flu…
Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays to you!
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You know, book signings are pretty much a different type of party… 🙂
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Ha, good point.
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Carrie said you went to her book signing, X, but she won’t reveal any of your secrets. Now my interest is piqued by your mystique. (Isn’t that lyrical?)
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Whaaat??? my going to her signing was supposed to remain a secret!!
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I haven’t even told people whether you’re a man or a woman. I’m such a good secret-keeper… (See Peg’s comment to you above. 🙂 )
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I appreciate your discretion, Carrie. Even in real life, I never tell people whether I am a man or a woman.
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Haha!
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I’m guilty of ISIS-friendly ploy #17: Leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night.
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I think this is more likely to radicalize your wife or any other female relatives.
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Either way, if I don’t change my ways, someone’s going to wanna lop my head off.
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I’ve done my part by reading this post! I feel so much better now.
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If you ever made a New Years resolution a year ago to fight ISIS, you just completed it.
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Crap, I think the terrorists really are going to win then
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I’m sorry, but this defeatist attitude is also playing right into their hands.
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Great Post
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Thank you!
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welcome
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Haha! Excellent list. I’m still smiling. I think another thing ISIS wants is that Americans keep eating Big Macs & fries and avoid eating any of that “foreign food.” So to combat ISIS, I’m eating as much Arabic Shwarma, Kubideh, and Dolmas as I can get my hands on. The Arabic guys who serve up these delights actually get to meet a white guy who’s happy to see them, thus preventing their radicalization in the future. Other white folks see me eating them and want to try them too, thus more Americans realize that good things can come from our Arabic brothers. This prevents further radicalization of Americans. Okay, it’s not such a big sacrifice on my part. I’m majorly addicted to these foods anyway, but I just want folks to know another way to pitch in towards peace.
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That’s probably a great way to prevent radicalization. If they’re too exhausted from making our food and counting their profits, they will have neither the time nor the energy to radicalize.
And I do want a shawarma now. I used to work near a shawarma place and went there for lunch so often, they were starting my usual order as soon as they saw me walking into their door.
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Yep. Me too. The Iranian guy who made my gyros (best gyro in the Bay Area) knew me so well, he started writing down my order before I made it to the counter.
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The owning a gun one is funny and sad… and just… so… depressing…
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And when you feel depressed, it’s usually a bad idea to own a gun…
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Or if you feel too happy…
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I better get on that!
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Right away, please. It could be your lack of participation that’s keeping ISIS strong.
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I think people being shot with their own guns is a way of thinning the heard. Or is that too harsh?
Never mind a Christmas or New Year’s part. My family went on a cruise ship over the holidays and we all came back sick. Some souvenir. There’s more than one way to skin a cat.
I think ISIS would hate it if people sent you cash in unmarked envelopes. Imagine how angry that’d make them.
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I think if people would send me cash in completely unmarked envelopes, these envelopes won’t get to me and that would make me just as angry as ISIS. But otherwise I agree, and I don’t understand why people are so willing to let ISIS win.
Sorry to hear about your cruise experience. What probably makes it worse is that we had pretty much tropical weather around Christmas right here in the Northeast.
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Missed this. Well played.
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Thank you. We’re now one step closer to victory.
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I have a horrible feeling that ISIS wants me to run about naked in the snow while doused in maple syrup and bearing a paint roller… but I will not! Oh wait, but if I don’t, then I’m kind of doing what they want, aren’t I? So I should probably just go ahead and do it, which fits right into their plans… which I must thus thwart by refraining, and so on. I think. Well thanks X, my head is now officially a mess.
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Put down the paint roller, Trent, and open a window, because I fear it might be the paint fumes from the roller that are messing with your head.
It’s actually pretty simple – whatever you do is exactly what ISIS wants.
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I see. So tell me X, is Mr. Trump going to be your next President? Is that even allowed?
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Yes, it is allowed, Trent. Our constitution doesn’t let Canadians to get elected as our president, but Donald Trumps are okay.
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You guys are so screwed.
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Nooooooo!!! Not number 2! Not number 2!! I can never stop that!!!!
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And you shouldn’t stop. A healthy human body must do number 2 at least once a day. 🙂
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