Scientists use huge machines like this one to smash existing elements into each other to try to create new elements. This obsession with smashing stuff is obviously hinting at some deep-seated aggression issues.
Last week, American, Russian, and Japanese scientists have announced that they have discovered four new chemical elements and added them to the periodic table. The new elements don’t actually exist in nature and were created by the scientists in a lab. So, since we’re basically making up new elements as we go, here are 10 more new elements that could have been added, with their chemical properties.
1) Trumpium: Boiling point is well below room temperature. Quickly sucks up all the oxygen in any enclosed area. Highly self-absorbent.
2) Kardashium: Has a shiny and glossy appearance and is highly toxic. Should it come into contact with your eyes, wash them immediately with cold water and soap for at least an hour.
3) Rushlimbaum: Highly combustible, acidic, generates a lot of heat and gas. Often found in unusual nearly-spherical lumps. Radio-active.
4) Clintonium: Has two well-known isotopes, Billium and Hillium. Billium is an important ingredient in Teflon and aphrodisiacs. Hillium is opaque and is believed to be unbreakable.
5) Foxnewsium: Prolonged exposure may lead to permanent brain damage. Belongs to the group of mind-altering elements named GOPium.
6) Barackobamum: Previously erroneously believed to be found in Kenya. Half-life is 4 years. Element number 44 in periodic presidential table.
7) Honestpoliticium: Have never been observed outside of a lab, and even in laboratory conditions exists for only a fraction of a second before decaying.
8) Bencarsonium: Brilliant but very dense. Widely used in medical science, but useless and possibly dangerous outside of it.
9) ISISis: Highly aggressive. Mainly found in the remote areas of the Middle East. Repels alcohol and attracts a lot of free radicals.
10) Rightwingium: Observed to have a violent reaction to almost everything, especially barackobamium and hillium. Occasionally a few electrons short of a nucleus. Forms strong chemical bonds with trumpium, bencarsonium, and foxnewsium.
Please feel free to add your own contribution to science.
List of X 
Caucasium: Bland, white element prone to gather and multiply in quiet, safe, well-lit areas. Disdains spices, loud noise and diversity. Embraces golf, Barry Manilow and celibacy.
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It also feels threatened that some other less desirable elements are about to take its place in the periodic table.
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I just saw an exposé on that on Fox News.
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Ok, but don’t watch it too much, though – see #5.
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Free radicals… good one. I like Mark’s one above, but I have to add Trentium: a peaked, non-magnetic element that repels clothes and often stands on one leg while holding a pot of mustard.
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This “standing on one leg while holding a pot of mustard” sounds like a fascinating property. Would you mind if we take a few samples of Trentium into the lab to study further?
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Be careful. I took a look at an MSDS, and Trentium appears to have the following characteristics: it’s radioactive, flammable, explosive, unstable, odorous, and very very gnarly.
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These are wonderful, X.
How about Blogonium, we here in the sphere dwell in this element, where we neglect our friends, families and jobs in favor of invisible friends and stats.
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Blogging friends are not invisible! They’re more like protons and electrons: you might not be able to see them, but they’re definitely real.
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But why are so many of them negatively charged?
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Cruzanium. Nearly identical to Trumpium, but with a higher boiling point. It’s origins are currently under debate, but it is probably not a naturally occurring element in the United States.
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Yet no scientist wants to take the credit for creating it. And these are the people who took credit for inventing a nuclear bomb.
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TedCruzogen: A highly volatile gas found in deposits in Canada. Traces also found in Cuba. Explosive when mixed with elements outside of its own grouping in the table.
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Also, this gas can turn into an oily slick liquid under the right conditions, but under no circumstances it becomes solid.
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Oops, sorry Glazed. I just noticed your entry. I suspect that TedCruzogen might be an isotope of Cruzanium. More research is required. 🙂
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You don’t have to feel bad, Jim. There were many cases when two scientists made the same discovery at the same time independently of each other.
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I suspect there are many right now that are becoming aware of the unusual properties of Cruzanium.
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And the more we learn about its properties, the more it becomes obvious that any piece of Cruzanium should be sealed deep underground in a waterproof and airtight storage.
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Elementary, my dear X, elementary! Although, I think you failed to mention with regard to Rushlimbaum that it reacts poorly with Oxycontin, absorbing large quantities of it without reaction.
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See, I knew I was missing something, so it’s great there’s a chemistry teacher around here to set me straight.
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Now that’s how you do it.
“Radio-active” — groan… (but my kind of groan)
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If I’m stealing your work, I’m going to go for your kinds of groans, too. 🙂
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We’re the Chemical Brothers.
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That’s what they call brothers who don’t like to get physical.
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Something something Spiritualized.
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This is Au.
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Well, you’re the Au expert, judging by your name. 🙂
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Occasionally a few electrons short of a nucleus
LOL!
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Technically, there aren’t any electrons in a nucleus, so it’s not even an insult. 🙂
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This is hilarious! I bet Trumpium also turns your skin orange. And I’ve heard Billium also serves as an aphrodisiac. Hehe.
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Trumpium does turn your skin orange, but not as much as Boehnerite.
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ah, “a few electrons short of a nucleus”. Much better than a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
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Except that there aren’t any electrons in a nucleus, so we should probably stick to the sandwich line. 🙂
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then “he’s a few protons short of a nucleus.” 🙂
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Aone of your best! Loved it!
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Thank you!
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Gotta love all these. Cheers to that.
I thought #3 was Rushbostium. I’ll give this a shot. Carsonsnoozium – Inert substance that doesn’t interact well with others, but is useful sleep aid.
Palinisium. Clueless annoying gas that creeps willingly creeps into unwanted environments.
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From what we know about Palinisium, it’s relatively harmless, until it comes into contact with Mccainium.
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McCainium can be unpredictably volatile.
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Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
This is s must read!! If only ….. good one!!
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Thank you for the reblog!
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You are most welcome!!! 🙂
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I’ve heard that number seven on the table might even last less than a fraction of a second. 😀
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I haven’t heard, but maybe it’s because Honestpoliticium decays even before it makes any kind of sound.
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😀 I think you’re on to something there.
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So glad I didn’t miss this and that I was delayed in my reading, were I not I would have missed all the comments.
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Yes, the comments are more than half the fun on this blog.
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I find Trump easier to deal with as an element than as a human being…
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I don’t really know which is worse – deal with a human being and you get fired, deal with the element and you get burned.
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he is just plain caustic
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I think you made up the entire list just to work that “radio-active” line in. And it was soooo worth it.
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Tenlistium: has the property of exposing the properties of situations, events, people, and, well, other invented elements
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Yes, it’s a pretty useful element, but, unfortunately, neither of us can claim to be the discoverer of it.
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I like the 10 new elements especially the ones Trumpium and Foxnewsium. Maybe you can come up with the next list – compounds derived from these 10 elements!
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To do that, I’d have to get these elements into a chemistry lab and do some experiments on them. But I’m not sure I will be able to talk them into it, because some of these elements just don’t believe in chemistry.
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LofX, great idea for a list. Here are my additions:
Sarahpalinium – A right-winging, bitter-clinging rogue element with properties that make no sense.
Putinon – An unstable element that often strips off its exterior electrons to expose a baseless core.
Trumphony – An element that rhymes with phony and baloney.
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Did you hear Sarahpalinium has just leaked from whatever storage it was being kept in to bond itself to Trumpium?
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The resulting compound doesn’t have a half-life but rather a life of its own.
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Haha I love these elements. You just know Trump would want one named after him. Nevermind he doesn’t know what the periodic table is. He’s just going to name everything after himself.
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And of course there is Exium – a very brilliant substance that appears occasionally on WP. The MSDS indicates low but measurable mutagenicity, high hilarity, has even been known to be Carsonagenic when exposed to the element Politico.
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