In his impassioned speech in defense of his nominee, Barack Obama pointed out Garland’s major strength as a potential Justice: “Look how old this guy is! He’ll probably die in a couple of years anyway, and you’ll be free to replace him with anyone you like!”
As you already know, Antonin Scalia, one of the United States Supreme Court’s nine justices, had died several weeks ago, and Barack Obama had nominated Appeals Court judge Merrick Garland to replace him. Republican politicians have voiced their opposition to the very idea of Obama nominating anyone, and still refuse to hold any hearings on this Merrick Garland character, if that’s even a real name. But contrary to the popular belief, it’s really not about partisanship and obstruction. You see, Obama should not be nominating anybody because there just isn’t a single person whom Republicans could find qualified to serve on the Supreme Court. Even if we could pick candidates among historical figures and fictional characters, no one would meet their high standards. Here are just 10 examples.
1) Abraham Lincoln: By freeing the slaves, he displayed his contempt for sacred property rights of small and large business owners.
2) Pope Francis: No only he’s a socialist, but as Pope he is also infallible. Can you imagine how much of his socialist agenda he would be able to force on our country by a series of 1-8 decisions?
3) The Superman: He has severely damaged his reputation by leading a double life in lamestream media. Besides, he would have to recuse himself from any Supreme Court cases involving Kryptonite.
4) A genetically reproduced clone of Antonin Scalia: A clone of Scalia created by science would be an insult to the legacy of Justice Scalia, who spent much of his judicial career fighting science.
5) Mother Teresa: While she was undoubtedly a devoted Christian, her obsession with healing poor people makes it clear that she would be a supporter of Obamacare.
6) Ayn Rand: While it may be tempting to have this legendary conservative writer on the court, she would slow the court’s activity down to a crawl with her 1,000+ pages long decisions.
7) The Terminator: On the surface, he would seem like a good fit with his strong pro-gun and pro-death penalty stances, and he did a great job as the governor of California, but having come from the future, he might turn out to be a progressive.
8) Any one of the Founding Fathers: The job of the Supreme Court is to figure out what the Founding Fathers wanted and make rulings based on that, but having a Founding Father on the court makes it only more complicated: what if he wants a coffee? or visit a bathroom?
9) Jesus Christ: Remember, this is the guy who kicked businessmen out of the temple and was heard badmouthing rich people. And even if he died, he’d probably just rise back to the court in three days, immensely complicating the nomination process.
10) Ronald Reagan: Well… He might actually be perfect, but if Obama were to support him, the Republicans would be legally obligated to oppose him.
List of X 
Ha! Too funny X. I nominate Ned Hickson.
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Can Canadians contribute candidates?
In any case, I don’t think the Senate would confirm him. They may well decide the Red Thong Affair is evidence that Ned has faulty judgment.
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Yeah, but think of how much faster the decision process would be when I start using my thong as a slingshot during sessions?
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X, you’re absolutely right. Mr. Scalia’s shoes are indeed big shoes to fill. Our Republican controlled Congress has very high standards, too. No doubt, they expect that whoever should get that position, be someone who can fit into the same size shoes that they themselves wear. But where do you find someone with as big a foot as Bozo The Clown?
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If his shoes were really that big, then I think Obama better nominate two or three liberals to fill Scalia’s shoes.
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I second and third those nominations! 😀
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Ronald Reagan supported gun control, so no…not perfect. Unless we’re talking advanced Alzheimer’s Reagan. That might work for these fools.
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Amaya: speaking of Alzheimer’s I was in a northern Canadian city and in front of a mini-mall I saw the following sign: “Alzheimer’s Society Office moved to new location at” – and it listed an address. driving along pondering this, I realized they were going to have to leave that sign there for a very long time.
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It’s possible that the sign had been there for years.
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HA!
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He also raised taxes, sold guns to Iran, negotiated with communists, and increased the sovereign debt, so his Alzheimer’s couldn’t possibly be any worse than it has to be with the people who think he’s an ideal conservative.
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Why have a Supreme Court at all? Why have any courts? Why not just ask Michelle Bachmann what to do or, better still, what Jesus would do.
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We could ask Michelle Bachmann or Jesus what to do, but they would probably disagree so often that we’d still need the Supreme Court to be the tiebreaker.
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Great angle on the high court … I must admit that the idea of cloning Justice Scalia hadn’t crossed my mind – let alone a reason to oppose the clone. Brilliantly done!
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Maybe in a few decades or so we’ll have made the cloning process so efficient that whenever any Supreme Court justice dies, they get automatically replaced by their clone, thus avoiding this whole mess with hearings and nominations.
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True … but doubtful because that would mean the parties would have to agree to do that.
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With good enough clones, the parties won’t even know. 🙂
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Sounds reasonable enough and a noble goal.
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The best way Obama can get Garland appointed is to withdraw his nomination. The Republicans would have to immediately confirm him, since they oppose Obama on everything.
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You know, that might actually work.
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I can think of only one other possible nominee to add to your excellent list: King Solomon. I think he would be a perfect fit because he knew how to resolve disputes with a sword. But, never mind. The GOP would never go for him either – he’s one of those swarthy foreigners from the middle east and would not be able to produce his birth certificate.
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Yeah, that whole “let’s cut this baby up” thing will make Republicans think that he’s with Planned Parenthood. 🙂
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Perhaps we could start replacing the seats with AI. But we could give the robots spray tans, just to keep things in line with the current election.
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Well, if we really want to keep things in line with this election, we would have to forget about AI and instead develop AS: Artificial Stupidity.
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I’m not sure Superman is qualified, as he is an illegal alien.
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Technically, he was, but wasn’t he legally adopted?
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Cloning Justice Scalia violates the original intent of the parents of Justice Scalia, who understood that his son would be a mortal man before rising to be with Jesus.
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Apparently, Antonin Scalia was an only child, so it’s clear that having a clone of Justice Scalia does seem to violate the intent of his parents.
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Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
This is a good one!!!
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Thank you!
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Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™.
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Thank you for the reblog!
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I love your blog post. Thank you.
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Honestly, I didn’t even need to read beyond #1, that stopped me in my tracks and gave me a heckuva laugh. I did read the rest, of course. As mystified as I am of your politics down there, I feel that in your humour you give me insights into American politics that the average Fox news broadcaster just doesn’t quite articulate…
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Thank you, but I’m not surprised you can get better insights from my blog than from Fox: according to a scientific study, people who watch Fox News are less informed than people who watch no news at all:
http://www.businessinsider.com/study-watching-fox-news-makes-you-less-informed-than-watching-no-news-at-all-2012-5
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It’s come to that, has it? How horrible, yet interesting, and possibly uplifting… I don’t know what to make of it. A media outlet that makes people dumber… but I’m fairly sure that’s what Fox is kind of going for anyway, so mission accomplished!
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#4 is a charm.
What about one of the Muppets. Who doesn’t like Muppets?
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Weren’t those two old guys sitting in the bacony on the Supreme Court?
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There’s always somebody who doesn’t like Muppets: either Obama doesn’t like them, or if Obama likes them then the Republicans don’t like them.
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You know, they’ll often call Batman “The Batman,” but you never hear them call Superman “The Superman.”
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I think they should start using the “the” and “a” before “Superman”, because there are so many Superman versions that an article feels kind of necessary now.
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I never got why Batman got a “the” but not Superman
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Maybe if we could genetically combine Jesus and The Terminator…? When he says “I’ll be back,” it will be more like a threat.
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If they had a Terminator who was made entirely of liquid metal, I don’t see how there couldn’t be a Terminator made entirely of holy water.
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I wonder if he would get rusty?
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Only if he hadn’t terminated anyone for a few years.
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Perfect, simply perfect. But you know, I am thinking Reagan would likely pass the test if as you say it was the older version.
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HA!!! Also, just for the record, I am available for the job…
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Yes, but I think that as a Supreme Leader of the Universe, you might be a little overqualified for the position of Supreme Court justice of the USA.
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I could just make some decisions in my spare time…
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If you have some free time between writing, blogging, working, family, drawing, tiki-carving, babysitting, and various secret missions, you definitely should. Your decisions can’t possibly be worse than Scalia’s.
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I hear that
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