“My blood pressure is fantastic! Biggest blood pressure ever! It’s through the roof! Bigger than anyone else’s!”
This weekend, Hillary Clinton collapsed while getting into a car, prompting speculation about which life-threatening illness that makes her unfit to be president is affecting her. Her campaign made a statement that Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, prompting speculation about which life-threatening illness that makes her unfit to be president she is covering up with this feeble “pneumonia” excuse. And because her rival Donald Trump is the most transparent presidential candidate from the Republican party in the 2016 general election, he offered to release his medical records to prove that, unlike Clinton, he is tremendously healthy. Here are 10 highlights of Donald Trump’s medical record.
1) White Cell count: Almost 95% of Mr. Trump blood cells were white. However, Mr. Trump insisted that he loves all cells, black cells, Mexican cells, it’s just white cells are better, because they work harder, and they are the ones attacking any foreign elements coming from outside.
2) Heart conditions: No heart conditions have been found, due to the fact that none of our doctors have been able to ascertain that Mr. Trump actually has a heart.
3) Allergic reactions detected to: Mexicans, Muslims, Democrats, average- and below average-looking women, journalists, immigrants, protesters, veterans, fact checks, etc.
4) Dermatology report: No issues, other than abnormally thin skin.
5) Medications prescribed: Hairspray, one 5-gallon bottle every 12 hours.
6) Treatment history: Mr. Trump reported that he has been treated very unfairly by the media.
7) Stress test: Mr. Trump passed the stress test extremely well. Not only he had no problems handling stress, he gave plenty of stress to all medical personnel administering the test.
8) Growth chart: Mr. Trump insisted that his growth was from barely 40 million dollars in 1978 to OVER TEN BILLION in 2016. When informed that his wealth wasn’t what our staff was supposed to measure, Mr. Trump refused to be measured and made an emphatic verbal guarantee that there’s absolutely no problem there.
9) Psychological profile: Mr. Trump is obsessed with anger at certain 68-year-old woman, which may indicate some unresolved issues with his mother.
10) Family history: There is a documented history of extreme wealth being genetically inherited by Mr. Trump from his parents, with high probability of the same condition being transferred to Mr. Trump’s children as well. However, although this condition is rare and not contagious for 99.9% of Americans, it is actually quite common among the American presidential candidates.
List of X 
I heard he has a bad case of the coughs, or scoffs, to be more precise. He scoffs at any suggestions that his actions are deliberate and thought through with regard to their consequences.
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But if his action is successful, his scoffs at the idea that his action wasn’t deliberate and thought throgh with his great brain.
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Golden!
abnormally thin skin… Is there even an epidermis?
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There has to be, otherwise his ego would have blown him apart.
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LOL, Supernova
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Supernova, that kind of sounds like Donald Trump’s next wife, with its extreme hotness and vaguely Eastern European name.
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She’s tremendous!
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Hilarious X. Love the one about the white cells being best. So fumy all the way around. In fact a high white cell count suggests a sickness is present – certainly true.
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Ditto! WBC comment brilliant [as per usual]
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Thank you!
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Actually, it’s possible that Trump has a low white blood cells count – that would explain why he looks so orange.
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I’ll tell you what he’s NOT allergic to: hubris. Thin and orange skin, you forgot.
Let me tell you something, brother. That guy might win. We’re all laughing and making fun but he could be the next Pres. He’ll hang in there for a year at the most, resign, and then we’ll have to contend with President Pence, which would be even WORSE. What the hell is the matter with Hillary? This is hers to lose and she’s BLOWING UP her campaign with her aversion to disclosure. If she’d owned-up to the emails and pneumonia straight away, we wouldn’t be having any of these anxieties about a Trump presidency. What’s with the secrets?! You wanna be president? Guess what. You don’t get to have any secrets!
I’m sorry…what was the question?
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Oh, I agree, that guy could certainly win. I believed in him during the primary, and I believe in him now. I think he has about 20-30% chance, and I’m not sure he can possibly say or do anything worse than he already has, and yet he’s still in a race.
And while I agree with you on the e-mails – I bet any State employee who had done that would get fired or worse, this Pneumonia-gate is pretty much a non-issue blown way out of proportion. First of all, presidents and candidates do get to keep some secrets: we are not entitled to see their naked pictures, we don’t get the live webcam feeds in their bathrooms and bedrooms, and we don’t get to know their credit card numbers. We get to know if the candidate has a terminal cancer, or sprays bubonic plague with every sneeze onto the people coming to her rallies. A pneumonia in a candidate would be an issue if it becomes life-threatening, and would have to be disclosed then. But if it’s not serious – and if you can do the campaigning without coming off as sick, maybe it’s not – it’s pretty much a gray area.
So with disclosure about the pneumonia episode (I’ll mostly copy my comments from another blog so I apologize if you have to read it again – but at least I didn’t lift them from a Michelle Obama speech), she had basically several options and none of them good:
a) Take the day off as the doctor recommended, skip all public events on 9/11 anniversary without explanation and face the Fox News outrage about Hillary Clinton disrespecting the memory of 9/11 victims;
b) Announce in advance that Clinton is sick with pneumonia, then disappearing for a few days, including 9/11, to recover – which raises “what does she really have?” speculation plus she is again labeled a traitor and blamed for making up false excuses to dishonor the 9/11 victims.
c) Announce pneumonia in advance and warn she may leave the event early – again, this prompts the “what does she really have?” questions.
They chose (d) – taking a gamble that she’ll make it through the event and won’t come off as sick and won’t raise any concerns – and if not for collapsing in the last 20 seconds, she would have won that gamble. But at least trying to power through being sick seems like the only option that offered a decent chance that her reputation wouldn’t suffer any new attacks, while all other options I can think of guaranteed fresh new attack lines.
I’m also not sure what was the question…
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Well said!! Even in trying to be as objective as possible (which isn’t very possible, for me), this is such a non-issue! On NPR the other day, one of the reporters asked if nothing ‘stuck’ to Trump like the email/pneumonia topics have stuck to Clinton because there’s just SO MUCH to choose from [with Trump].
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Maybe it’s another example of the “opposites attract” law. So crap like that would stick to Clinton but not to Trump.
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This all seems very accurate Dr. X. There is also an issue with his eyesight. He’s stated many times that his company is going into a blind trust if he’s elected, and that he won’t be able to see anything. But he hasn’t stated what activity he’s going to engage in, that will make him go blind.
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You forget that Donald Trump has the best vision. Even if his company goes into the blindest of trusts, he will still be able to see what’s going on there.
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Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
Very interesting … on point list! Take a look …
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Thank you for the reblog!
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Trump Publications, a subsidiary of Trump Bloviations, has just published a one-page huuuge, amazing, fantastic document entitled The Donald Trump Medical Record available at Trump Bookstores for the unbelievable price of $29.99 ($69.99 if you are a democrat or member of the press).
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I don’t know if you are aware of this, but this one page document telling everyone how awesome Donald Trump’s health is actually exists, and has apparently been stolen by dirty and unscrupulous journalists who posted it for everyone to see for free!
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/12/14/the-donald-s-trumped-up-medical-report.html
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The bastards! Just more proof that the election is rigged!
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Oh I live for your posts.
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Thank you, but don’t tell Duncan. 🙂
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11. Attention span. Mr. Trump’s attention span was found to be within normal range, but only when the subject was money. Otherwise, it was found to be about 10 minutes.
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10 minutes? That’s actually very impressive. Most American…oh look, a squirrel!!!
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I’d hate to have been the person that administered the old “turn your head and cough”…….
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You mean Chris Christie?
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This has to be my favorite post by you ever… and that is setting the bar pretty damn high…
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Yeah, this kind of sets me up for failure in my next post. 🙂
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It will be hard to beat…
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I may just have to write a terrible next post to reset the bar to something more realistic.
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Keep the expectations low.
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Thank God you didn’t delve into his sexual health.
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I wish I understood genetics better. I can’t help but worry my children’s inheritance will suffer as a result.
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This actually made me LOL. Not actually laugh, mind you, just actually type L, O, and L.
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Since I couldn’t possibly hear you actually laugh, my whole plan was to just to get you to type L, O, and L.
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You are my official news source for all things Election 2016.
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I think you’ll also need some news sources that are not limited to the list of 10 form, just so you have some balance in the news coverage.
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If a topic can’t be summarized in a pithy, yet profound, 10 item list, it isn’t really news worth knowing.
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Hey X! I just wanted to let you know that your question is being featured on Gibber Jabberin tomorrow, 9/23/16. Hope to see you there!
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Hi,
This was really funny. I especially liked #2.
I met you at Susie Lindau’s Meet and Greet. I clicked on your link since you and your blog sounded funny.
Maybe you can check out my blog if you need a blogging tip or two. That’s what I write about.
I brought you the link to my About page, so you can read more about my blog:
Like Susie, I have regular networking events each month. Nice to meet you.
Janice
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I was a nurse. This diagnosis is quite accurate. Hugs, Barbara
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Reblogged this on IdealisticRebel's Daily View of Favorites.
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Love this 🙂 😀 So funny… and yet, accurate!
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I love this. We all know that Trump’s heart, among other things, is three sizes too small. Someone made a Dr. Seuss version of Trump’s story. It fit eerily well in a book about ridiculous characters telling moral stories for children. Like don’t be Trump.
That picture up there is my favorite pic of him ever, and I use it as often as possible.
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