On June 12th, Dear Leader Donald Trump and North Korean president Kim Jong Un… I mean, Dear Leader Kim Jong Un and Dearer Leader Donald Trump, and Donald Trump’s his “plus one” Dennis Rodman, are expected to meet at a historic summit in Singapore. The purpose of the summit is to discuss a possible denuclearization of North Korea, hair products, and the size of the crowd at Donald Trump’s inauguration. As most such high-level meetings, the summit will have a pretty tight schedule, with a lot of events that have to be fit into both Kim Jong Un’s busy torture schedule and Donald Trump’s golf games. Here are 10 of the items on the summit’s agenda.
9:00 a.m. – 9:45 a.m.: Nuclear button measuring contest, judged by Dennis Rodman. Bonus points will be given for a working button.
10:15 a.m.: North Korea will release American hostages. If North Korea has not obtained American hostages by 9 a.m., hostages will be provided by the U.S. State Department.
11:00 a.m.: Ribbon-cutting ceremony for the first North Korean McDonalds: of many possible American franchises, North Koreans chose McDonalds, because they want food and they want it fast.
11:40 a.m.: United States and North Korea will sign a free trade agreement. Since North Korea doesn’t really have much of an economy, the US and North Korea are expected to trade compliments, insults, and possibly ballistic missiles.
11:45 a.m.: Donald Trump is to be reminded that the goal of the summit is not to discuss the plans for Trump Tower North Korea. (This agenda item also shows up on the schedule at 12:15 p.m., 12:45 p.m., 1:15 p.m., 1:45 p.m., 2:15 p.m., 2:45 p.m., 3:15 p.m., 4:00 p.m., 7:15 p.m., 7:45 p.m., 8:15 p.m., 8:45 p.m., and 9 p.m.)
12:00 p.m. – 1:30 p.m.: Seminar: “Free Press and Democracy: How To Find It And Destroy It”, jointly presented by Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump.
2:30 p.m.: White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will hold a press conference to address a new scandal involving Donald Trump and/or sudden firing of a senior White House official (At the time of setting the schedule, it is not known which scandal and/or senior official it would be, but it is certain that there would be some sort of a brand-new scandal and/or an unexpected firing by 2 p.m..)
3:30 p.m. – 7 p.m.: Donald Trump’s closed-doors bathroom hate-tweeting session. (Due to the time difference between Washington and Singapore, the regular early morning session will be held in the afternoon local time).
5 p.m.-7 p.m.: A lecture/Q&A session “How To Inherit Power From Dad And Get Rid Of The Competition From Annoying Siblings”, by Kim Jong Un for Ivanka Trump, Eric Trump, and Donald Trump, Jr.
11:55 p.m.: The White House is expected to issue an official statement denying that any meeting between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un ever took place.