The last few day made it clear that the process of withdrawal of American military from Afghanistan has not been a success. (I’m not sure how the operation was called, but I think a fitting name would be a “Operation Premature Evacuation”). The 300,000-weak Afghan military collapsed in a matter of days, allowing Taliban to take over almost the entire country, including the capital. Thousands of desperate Afghans at Kabul airport are trying to catch the next flight – sometimes literally – to escape the Taliban. The finger pointing has already began, with Democrats blaming Trump for agreeing to withdraw the American forces and Republicans blaming Biden for the execution of the withdrawal. Here are 10 reactions to the Afghanistan debacle.
1) Any Republican politician: The way Biden handled this withdrawal is a disaster! All these poor people from Afghanistan who had helped our troops will now be killed by the Taliban, and Biden should have saved every single one of them and brought them all to the US. Then he needs to send all these Muslim savages back to Afghanistan cause they’re all terrorists!
2) Rohullah Ahamdzai, Afghan military spokesman: Our brave Afghan soldiers came disposed to face and defeat the Taliban. However, upon our forces’ unsettling discovery that Taliban militants are hastily advancing towards our audacious warriors, our fighters wisely chose the action of speedy and orderly retreat to maintain social distancing from the Taliban per the recent recommendations of the World Health Organization.
3) George W. Bush, former President: What is happening in Afghanistan is very sad. President Biden should have ended the war differently. How? No, I don’t know how. Leave me alone, look, I don’t know how to end wars, I only know how to start them!
4) David Copperfield, magician: I don’t know about the military or political stuff, but I know magic and the way Taliban made an army of 300,000 disappear in just one week is the most impressive magic trick I’ve ever seen.
5) United Airlines: We would like to volunteer several of our planes and our trained flight crews to help evacuate Afghan civilians. We are sure that this will immediately clear our the crowds at the Kabul airport, as many of those hoping for a flight out would surely decide to take their chances with the Taliban rather than fly United.
6) LGTBQIA2S+ Alliance: We are somewhat concerned about the rights of women in the Taliban-occupied Afghanistan. However, we believe that cisgendered women are comparatively more privileged compared to other even more oppressed minorities in Afghanistan and we will fight to ensure that Taliban allows wide access to gender-neutral outhouses to all transgender and gender-queer Afghans of color.
7) Donald Trump, former (if you believe the lying fake media) president: I had the best plan of withdrawal! According to my genius plan, Afghan army would immediately crush the Taliban, establish democracy, and build the most tremendous Trump Towers and luxury golf resort in Kabul!
8) International Olympic Committee: Like the rest of the world, we’ve been watching the events in Afghanistan as well and according to our officials the Afghan army soldiers broke every world and Olympic record on every distance while running from the Taliban!
9) Joe Biden, president: I did what now? What a bunch of malarkey! Really??? Crap. CRAP.
10) John Kirby, Pentagon spokesperson: Our most trusted intelligence assets on the ground in Afghanistan report that the withdrawal was a complete and unmitigated success.