Last week, a federal judge ruled that NYPD’s practice of stopping and frisking anyone who looks suspicious is unconstitutional. (“Looks suspicious” is generally defined by NYPD as “looks male and black/Latino”). New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg criticized the judge Shira Scheindlin as “some woman who knows zero about cops” and promised to appeal her decision, and NYPD Commissioner Raymond Kelly had said that if Stop and Frisk policy ends, more people will die. Here are 10 other reactions to the end of the Stop and Frisk practice.
1) Preet Bharara, U.S. Attorney: Since New York City Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly had insinuated that more people will die unless NYPD is allowed to continue Stop and Frisk, our office has opened an investigation into possible blackmail.
2) Seth O’Donovan, recent police academy graduate: “I’m really bummed about that. I’ve been hoping to work in airport security in the future, and I really needed that frisking experience on my resume.”
3) Peter King, Republican Congressman from New York: I think NYPD has been relying on Stop and Frisk way too much. Everyone knows that more guns is the answer to violence. Therefore, Stop and Frisk would work best when it’s balanced with less gun regulations – so that white people will carry guns, and black people will be stopped and frisked.
4) Ray Kelly, NYPD Commissioner: “We were concerned with safety of African Americans, and Stop and Frisk policy had been primarily designed for their own safety. I mean, if we’re frisking a guy, shouldn’t he feel 100% safe when he’s physically in our hands?”
5) Anthony Weiner, former Congressman/Mayoral candidate: “I’ll be very happy when this practice is over. More times than I care to remember, NYPD officers have stopped me because of a “suspicious” bulge in my pants and went in for a search. I am tired of having to explain that the thing in my pants is not a gun, even if I had used it to kill my political career.”
6) John Beirne, NYPD Employee Benefits Deputy Commissioner: “Actually, we welcome the end of the Stop and Frisk policy. The health insurance company covering the police department had already raised premiums several times to pay for the treatment of permanent blisters on the officers’ hands due to their constant rubbing all over the suspects’ clothing.”
7) Floyd Feinblank, Wall Street investment banker: “I foresee that this decision will lower the stock price of NYPD. But it’s still a good investment in case Occupy Wall Street starts bothering us again.”
8) Michael Bloomberg, New York Mayor: “I am outraged by this decision! If anything, we don’t frisk black people enough! There is a high crime rate among the African American community, with the most common crimes being walking while black, driving while black, and trafficking Skittles and ice tea!”
9) Don Dickins, constitutional rights lawyer: “I make 80%-90% of my income on suits against NYPD for their civil rights violations – how am I going to pay my bills now? I can only hope that NYPD will find some other ways to violate people’s rights and keep me in business.”
10) Barack Obama, US President: “Oh good, I can finally visit New York City now.”