10 Reactions To Joe Biden’s Outrageous War On Gas Stoves

In the recent days, there have been a number of news stories incensed and furious about Democrats plotting to ban every gas stove in every kitchen in America. Apparently, there had been a study that indicated that burning natural gas emits toxins, carcinogens, and other pollution, and some mid-level administration official had called gas stoves a “hidden hazards” and suggested that Americans switch to electric stoves. So, obviously, to every rational person, this means an all-out war on all gas stoves. Here are 10 reactions to Biden’s brazen attack on our constitutional right to cook with gas.

Ah, the beautiful sweet-burning dinosaur farts we all love so much....
Ah, the beautiful sweet-burning dinosaur farts that evil Democrats are trying to steal from us….

1) Fox News: “It is despicable that Biden administration is banning gas stoves! Governments should not have power to ban anything except maybe abortions… and Woke schoolbooks… and Muslim immigrants… and porn… and weed… and the IRS… and vaccine mandates… well… any of the things we don’t like, but they shouldn’t be allowed to ban anything we like!”

2) Environmental Protection Agency: “We have completed additional research on just how much toxic chemicals and carcinogens are released into the environment through the emissions of people, and we recommend a complete phaseout of people. Remember, we are not asking to ban people outright, only that any new houses built after 2050 do not contain people.”

3) National Refining Association (NRA): “Gas stoves aren’t the problem, it’s how people are using them is the problem, Remember, only a good guy with a gas stove can stop a bad guy with a gas stove.”

4) Whole Foods: “Is your family worried about all the toxins in the gas you use to cook? If so, Whole Foods now offers organic and 100% natural gas for just $21.99 + tax for a 6.2oz bottle!”

5) Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Republican intellectual: “It’s a lie that gas is dangerous! It’s totally safe, I’ve been inhaling gas a lot and turned out totally fine! They say, gas fires? You know full well they are caused by the Jewish space lasers! And without gas in our stoves, how can average Americans possibly sauté, flambé, soufflé, macramé or covfefe they’re food?”

6) Greta Thunberg, environmental activist: “This is great news! Cooking food with gas also heats up people’s kitchen and therefore causes global warming, so if we want to save our planet we have to all eat all our food frozen!”

7) Lucifer, underground religious activist: “Hell will freeze over before you humans ban gas! And I mean that Hell will literally freeze over if we can’t use gas to run our hellfires! Damn you all! Not only we don’t have electricity hooked up in Hell, but even if we did, electricity just doesn’t pack that perfect combination of heat and pollution!!”

8) Small Business Association: “A gas stove ban would be extremely damaging to small mom-and-pop businesses, especially ones like our most valued members ExxonMobil and Chevron.”

9) Ronna McDaniel, chairwoman of the Republican National Committee: “In the last election, Republican candidates have been very successful when they focused on the kitchen table issues. And what can be better described as a kitchen table issue than Democrats’ war on kitchen stoves? That is, of course, until Biden administration declares a war on kitchen tables.”

10) Lightham & Burnham Cremation Services: “Without high-temperature gas furnaces, we no longer be able to cremate bodies completely into ash, so once the ban takes effect, our clients will only have the options to order their loved ones either as well done or medium.”

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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3 Responses to 10 Reactions To Joe Biden’s Outrageous War On Gas Stoves

  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    EPA is perhaps closer to the mark than they realize. There is only one thing common in all problems – people. What can a good-for-the-people minding government do? Ban them. With money from Big Pharma and Big Oil and Big Tech. Heard of ChatGPT?

    Liked by 1 person

    • List of X says:

      There’s only one problem with the ban on people – it’s that at the moment, we still have to rely on people to enforce the ban on people. Maybe if we get ChatGPT-powered terminators this could work.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Jim Wheeler says:

    When we had our present home built 22 years ago I opted for electric cooking over natural gas because information about its pollution convinced me. It was scientifically documented as especially bad in the U.K. where many homes had low ceilings and, hence, less ventilation. I also avoided having a basement because of the potential radon hazard where I live, a former mining area. Proving nothing, I know, but I’m 86. My father died at 58.

    Aside to MTG: you go, girl!

    Liked by 1 person

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