10 Conspiracy Theories Explaining Thursday’s Solar Eclipse

I wish I could have seen the eclipse myself, but I couldn't due to extensive cover-up by the rainclouds - a conspiracy which surely went all the way up. Image source: National Geographic

I wish I could have seen the eclipse myself, but I couldn’t due to extensive cover-up by the rainclouds – a conspiracy which surely went all the way up.
Image source: National Geographic

If you live in North America, you may have been able to see a partial solar eclipse this Thursday sometime around sunset. But if you had thought that the movement of stars and planets is governed only by laws of physics and cannot be explained by conspiracy theories, then you’re just not thinking big enough. Because on the Internet, you can explain anything with conspiracy theories – wars, climate change, economy, pandemics, so why should we believe that a planetary phenomenon really is what we are being told it is? So here are 10 conspiracy theories explaining the true reasons behind this week’s partial solar eclipse.

1)  Commie liberal Obama administration, just out of sheer spite, stole the sun from the honest hard-working Americans.

2)  The eclipse was just a hoax perpetrated by scientists, who thought that if they can convince us that they were right in their predictions of the eclipse, we’d also believe their predictions about global warming.

3)  This was an attempt by Apple Corporation to re-brand the sky as Apple’s proprietary iSky product, privatize it, and synchronize it with Apple’s existing iCloud software.

4)  It was Russia that made it seem like there was a solar eclipse during sunset to get everyone to look west, and invade us from the east while everyone is distracted and is looking the other way.

5)  The Sun trying to safeguard itself from the Ebola virus by using the Moon as protective gear of sorts.

6)  Major League Baseball is taking their game blackout policy to a whole new level.

7)  The eclipse was a PR gimmick sponsored by ExxonMobil and BP to prove that solar power is much less reliable than oil.

8)  It was the work of NASA trying to hide their cover-up of the Moon landing that never happened.

9)  American Association of Ophthalmologists was trying to trick millions of people to stare directly into the sun, thus causing severe damage to their eyes and billions in profits to their eye doctors.

10)  It may have been just a regular solar eclipse, but the real question you have to ask is when exactly Obama administration learned that an eclipse is imminent, and why haven’t they done anything to prevent it?


About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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72 Responses to 10 Conspiracy Theories Explaining Thursday’s Solar Eclipse

  1. Paul says:

    Oh lord, the internet is throwing us back into the dark ages. OK, who upset the gods this time? Is it possible that Americans are becoming paranoid due to the number of lies they’ve been told in the past? Sigh. Funny post X. Very apropos.


    • List of X says:

      To rephrase some famous saying, you can take people out of the dark ages, but you can’t take the dark ages out of people.
      And I understand the impulse to become paranoid in response to all the lies, but too often it just leads to even more counter-lies.


  2. Ankur Mithal says:

    You are stealing the business of spreading drivel about anything and everything from self-styled Indian religious gurus.


  3. I note you have not mentioned Ariana Grande’s publicist’s involvement in all of this. What are you hiding, hmm? Also, who is Ariana Grande?


    • List of X says:

      I don’t know who this Ariana Grande either. And I don’t know why she hasn’t fired her publicist who obviously sucks at his/her job because neither of us still knows who her client is.


  4. There was a partial eclipse? Any chance Mitsubishi Motors was behind it in an elaborate scheme to get the name “Eclipse” on everyone’s lips? I’m pretty sure that’s why Ford is behind the increase in Fiestas in many countries as well as efforts to make Taurus the most popular sign of the zodiac.


    • List of X says:

      There really was an eclipse, I was told.
      I don’t know if it was really a Mitsubishi ploy – would they really want people talking about a partial Eclipse? But you have something there with Ford, if they got you to Focus their attention on them.


  5. Jim Wheeler says:

    The book of Revelation said something like this would happen. The end is near. See?


  6. Sherry says:

    one of your best!


  7. susielindau says:

    I love number 4!!!


  8. Scott says:

    It’s gotta be number 5.


  9. Ned's Blog says:

    And here I was thinking I was just getting glaucoma.


  10. Some of these should be on the Onion, ha. Number seven is my favorite.


  11. Dude… you know Dick Cheney did it… with his black soul…


  12. etomczyk says:

    These were hysterical. My favorite: “attempt by Apple Corporation to re-brand the sky as Apple’s proprietary iSky product, privatize it, and synchronize it with Apple’s existing iCloud software.” I’m still laughing. 🙂


  13. The Cutter says:

    It’s cause Obama’s too busy faking his birth certificate and trying to take all our guns!


  14. Gibber says:

    It’s the baseball conspiracy.


  15. PsiFiGal says:

    How could you talk about conspiracy theories and leave out the Bilderberg Group and The Illuminati? There was a rare collusion between the two groups to distract everyone while they secretly and stealthily did something… I can’t find anything about it anywhere on the web, they’re that good. You never know what you don’t know. You know?


  16. Elyse says:

    This list got stronger and funnier as it went on.


  17. Damn, Apple forgot to put me on their mailing list.


  18. aFrankAngle says:

    No doubt in my mind that Ebola is part of Obama’s plot of setting the groundwork for the Anti-Christ.


  19. Yes, we should ask exactly how long it will take for Obama to come up with a cure for solar eclipses – IF they even exist. But he’s probably too busy spitting into the cokes of everyone at Fox News after purposely exposing himself to the disease.


    • List of X says:

      Obama obviously has to give at least $100 Trillion to the military so that they’d be able to invade the Sun at the moment’s notice to liberate it and defend it from the sneak attack by the Moon.


  20. The Hook says:

    Personally, I intend to blame Ned Hickson.


  21. Julie says:

    I hadn’t stopped laughing at number 8 when number 9 just reinfected me…..


  22. EagleAye says:

    1,7, and 10 are my faves. They made me laugh the loudest. Obama is blamed for pretty much anything these days. He’s become a boogieman to scare young republicans into staying in their cribs at night, although I understand they learn how to escape the cribs by age eighteen. 😉


  23. Aussa Lorens says:

    This was definitely Obama’s fault. Also, I sat in my car looking through the tint, while wearing glasses, and still pretty much blinded myself and saw spots the rest of the day. Some people never learn…


  24. pegoleg says:

    I’m not saying I buy into that Exxon conspiracy thing, but the fact is, all the solar powered cars DID die on the highway during the eclipse.


  25. Trent Lewin says:

    5) made me spit up a drink I hadn’t ingested. Now that’s a heck of a trick, X. I also appreciate the baseball mention, not to mention the consistent flogging of that no-good, unpopular cretin that runs your country and is assuredly responsible for pretty much anything bad.


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