10 Symptoms Of Ebolaphobia

Late stage of Ebolaphobia, by Edvard Munch.

Late stage of Ebolaphobia, by Edvard Munch.

As most of you are already aware, West Africa is experiencing a severe Ebola outbreak, and a handful of Americans have been infected with Ebola virus as well. According to the experts, although Ebola is a real and scary disease, it’s not nearly as contagious as many other diseases because Ebola virus requires direct contact with bodily fluids of someone who is already sick to be transmitted. However, even though Ebola itself is not a threat to an average American, tens of millions of Americans have been suffering from acute irrational fear that an imminent Ebola outbreak would kill all of us. Or, to use the proper scientific term for this condition, from Ebolaphobia. For example, a school in Maine recently quarantined a teacher merely for visiting a conference 10 miles away from a Texas hospital that cares for Ebola patients. Here are 10 common symptoms you should check yourself for to determine if you’re suffering from Ebolaphobia.

1)  You break into cold sweat, and your temperature and blood pressure rise after watching several minutes of news reports on Ebola, but even considering the stress these news reports are causing your body, your organism keeps demanding new doses of Ebola-related stories.

2)  Without having received any formal medical training, you consider yourself a top expert on every kind of virus.

3)  Knowing that Ebola is normally transmitted through direct contact with bodily liquids, you have stopped wiping your nose and going to the bathroom.

4)  You don’t believe in evolution, but are confident that Ebola virus will doubtlessly mutate into an airborne germ armed with fangs and claws. So every five seconds, you check the sky to make sure that an airborne Ebola virus isn’t coming for your from above.

5)  You have purchased a 0.01-millimeter caliber rifle, so that when you do see an Ebola virus coming for you, you could shoot it in its fangy face.

6)  You think that a person’s dark skin, foreign accent, or a Texas driver’s license is a sure sign that the person has Ebola.

7)  You think we should ban direct flights from West Africa, because no person with Ebola is physically able to take a connecting flight through another country, or drive across the border, and because such flight ban will surely stop an airborne Ebola virus from flying into America on its own.

8)  When you are riding a public bus and notice someone coughing five seats away from you, you no longer jump out the window while simultaneously pulling on latex gloves and a respirator – but only because have completely stopped using public transportation of any kind.

9)  You think that resignation of President Barack Obama is the only thing that could prevent an Ebola epidemic.

10) If someone warns you that the there is an extremely contagious disease out there, a disease that can be transmitted by airborne germs and will kill tens of thousands of Americans this year alone, you feel relieved to learn that it’s just the flu, and not Ebola.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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82 Responses to 10 Symptoms Of Ebolaphobia

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    2 is easy, everyone knows how accurate WebMD is for a reasonable diagnosis on the first search.

    I mentioned number10 and the flu at work when this came up during a meeting. Who knew that nobody got “that sick” or died from the flu anymore? I must have missed that news day.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Oh, but can you imagine the fearmongering that the news would do if this was the flu? “It killed 50,000 Americans in 2012!!! It killed 10,000,000 people in 1918!!!! It’s airborne!!! Run, hide, but above all, don’t breathe!!!”

      Like

  2. Paul says:

    I laughed out loud at the 0.01 mm Ebola gun – you’re just sucking up to the NRA X. Absolutely, the solution to any problem is more guns – just the right gun for the job. No one person should ever feel comfortable with only one gun because there are so many specialized situations, like Ebola, that require specialized firearms.

    That said, funny post X.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I also keep thinking that the only reason why so many people are afraid of Ebola is that there isn’t a NRA-like organization defending our rights to carry Ebola. As in, “only a good guy with Ebola can stop a bad guy with Ebola”, or “Ebola doesn’t kill people, direct contact with people kills people”. After all, NRA defends something that kills 30,000 people a year, and Ebola’s body count isn’t even close.

      Like

  3. John says:

    Another reason to calm down about Ebola can be found in the attitude displayed by passengers who departed on the maiden voyage of the Titanic – – – “It can’t sink.” – – – I think we ought to let the Ebola hysteria rage on because as one blogger has already stated it could be a gold-mine for those inclined to start profit-making businesses up around it — Imagine the millions . . . perhaps even billions . . . that might be made from a vaccine — Imagine the endless hate-mongering and fear resource the rabid rightie radicals could harvest as a result of the spread of the virus — imagine how much money could be made by selling “Ebola-Proof” suits, handkerchiefs and underwear? Anti-Ebola inhalers? Anti-Ebola cookware? Electronic Ebola detectors that can smell it from as far away as 50 feet? — the list is potentially endless.

    Yes there is a big market developing out there around the Ebola fear and if the virus actually does spread as some people fear it might — imagine the thousands, perhaps millions of new jobs that could be created — jobs building new and bigger hospitals — jobs in the health care industry — this thing has exponential potential doesn’t it?

    But what are the nay-sayers going to do — if it all turns out to be — true?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I think that one of the biggest Ebola-related money-making market right now is the mainstream media: the more people get scared of Ebola, the more likely they are to keep clicking on more news articles and ads. But of course, anything advertised as “Ebola-proof”, or “Ebola cure”, or “Ebola detector” is going to be huge, too.
      But yes, it is possible for Ebola to mutate into an airborne virus, and it is possible that an outbreak could occur. It is also possible that an mile-wide asteroid hits Earth next week, or the volcano under Yellowstone park explodes and takes out half the planet.

      Liked by 1 person

      • John says:

        ….. or it is possible that the radical right wing el-creepos could get true religion …. repent of all their callousness and greed …. start having compassion on somebody besides the filthy rich …. put their heads together with Democrats and work things out across aisles the way they did back when the government actually worked …. yes …. all these things are possible. I agree. But the Ebola virus is here and is now working to infect people …. the asteroid is still a ways off …. the volcanoe at Yellowstone is anybody’s guess …. but my guess is that it will not happen in our lifetime …. even though some people might hope that it would erupt and put an end to all this political horse manure …. I just do not happen to be one of those.

        Thanks for your comments as always. They are sincerely appreciated. 🙂

        Like

  4. Dead on X, dead on and number 9, well we all knew that.

    Like

  5. I put on a hazmat suit just to read this blog post, but I foolishly left my fingers exposed so that I could type this comment. Now if someone would tell my boss, maybe they’ll quarantine me for 21 days with full pay.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What I love is how the media has bombarded us with nonstop news telling us we should panic, then this week the top news story? How ridiculous it is that we’re panicking. I’m confused on when I should panic now.

    Like

  7. Ebolaphobia is fun to say 10 times fast. The Munch Ebola painting is missing the liquids streaming out every orifice.

    Like

  8. Carrie Rubin says:

    #10 is so true, isn’t it? Influenza never quite gets the concern it deserves until a really bad strain occurs (like H1N1), and yet it inflicts so much illness each year.

    Like

  9. Amaya says:

    #4, for real! I know people who don’t believe in evolution, climate change, or anything else even vaguely sciencey, but are predicting that Ebola will “go airborne.” They want to close down Africa, basically. Yay, reason.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      It’s probably not so much closing down Africa, as closing our own borders against everyone else outside – Ebola, illegal immigrants, drug cartels, and so on, and so on – as long as Ebola is not in the US, these people see no problem if it keeps spreading elsewhere.
      And, of course, we still get to cross our borders whenever we have to bomb someone. 🙂

      Like

  10. aFrankAngle says:

    The NRA is now using #5 as rationale for protecting their view of the Second Amendment.

    Like

  11. Oh, God, thank you X. I was wanting some sanity on this topic. I’ve been to a lot of doctors lately and naturally they ALL play Fox News cause I live in the damn Bible Belt and I swear EVERY SINGLE TIME I go, they are talking about Ebola and how it’s EVERYWHERE and ANYONE could get it like this one guy in Dallas like DIED (nevermind the multitudes more that died of say, Cancer, the same day), and then there were nurses infected OMG and we might all get it even though we’d have to drink an Ebola infected person’s coca-cola or share his snot and you know peeps that are this scared (like at Fox News) aren’t going anywhere NEAR a black person cause AFRICA and we must help them with the disease cause it kills in a way more threatening to us than the starvation and genocide we’ve basically been ignoring in said country.

    Pause. Breathe.

    One psycho lady reporter was drilling this poor scientist with her patented fox news shriek and said “The government is preventing a vaccine, right?” And he’s like “Um, no, they’d have no reason to do that.” And then “Well President Obama, various other Democrats, are not handling the situation right are they?” And he’s going “Um, actually I don’t get into the politics of it, I’m just trying to save lives.” Wow, I thought she was going to turn into a raving, maniacal hyena – I mean an actual one.

    Oh, and by the way, when we’re done with Ebola, let’s talk about ISIS chopping off heads. Cause every medical patient loves to hear this stuff when THEY ARE ALREADY SICK. Oh, yeah, and they actually shut down one of our hospitals for a few hours cause some guy had flu symptoms. For reals.

    Okay, I’m done with my post. 🙂

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I think you should make this comment into an actual post 🙂
      And yes, interestingly, ISIS kind of took a back seat to Ebola now – and Ebola hasn’t even started beheading people yet. But fear not, a month from now it would be time to fear something completely different.

      Like

  12. Jason Ellis says:

    For sure a lot will be afraid, now I am afraid to travel elsewhere in Africa, it seems this dreaded disease makes the country more fearful.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      You probably don’t want to travel to anywhere in Africa now – because people will quarantine you whether or not you were anywhere within 1000 miles from nearest Ebola case.

      Like

  13. Scott says:

    11. You think the government genetically altered the virus and purposefully released it as part of some conspiratorial scheme.

    Like

  14. Jim Wheeler says:

    I think the solution to the ebola crisis is clear now. It is cheap and simple. Since direct contact is required for transmission, every person should begin wearing an Ebola Bumper. The WhamO company says the EB (as seen on TV!) will be made from a hula hoop (of which they happen to have a large stock left over) supported centrally by shoulder straps. Problem solved. Price: $16.95 + S&H (of course).

    Like

  15. Elyse says:

    Brilliant (as usual, X). I’ve been following the story closely, not because I have Ebolaphobia, but because I am the source of health news in my company. I know of most scourges long before they are cool … including Ebola.

    Found along with lots of other stuff here: http://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/products/ebola.html

    Like

  16. Ned's Blog says:

    I got totally hosed on my 0.01 Ebola musket, which no one carries ammo for anymore.

    Like

  17. Steve Ruis says:

    We gotta come up with a better word than Ebola (sounds like a cosmetics line for African-American women). How about “The Red Death” or “Death by Shitstorm.” The word Ebola sounds like a Swedish breakfast food. Not scary enough. Where the Hell is Fox (sic) News when we need them?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      it doesn’t sound scary enough only if you haven’t tried Swedish breakfast food.
      But I agree, a scarier name is definitely needed. What about “Liberian plague”, “killitosis”, or “murderitis”?

      Like

  18. This is one of those weird situations where a post is funny only if you feel that it doesn’t relate to you.

    Like

  19. Gibber says:

    Just the fact that I read the word now means I could get it right?!

    Like

  20. I hear you can get Ebola through the internet. Is this true? One thing I appreciate about living in Alberta Canada is nothing living can survive our winters. Nothing! Hahahah. It will kill your virus, your hopes, your dreams, your will to live. Mwahahahaha.

    Like

  21. susielindau says:

    This is BRILLIANT and sadly true!!! Paranoia is the silent killer.

    Like

  22. Laura says:

    Americans who are afraid of catching Ebola should flee to Nigeria, which had 20 Ebola cases but is now Ebola-free (http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/10/20/nigeria-to-be-declared-ebola-free/).

    Like

  23. Aussa Lorens says:

    FanFreakingTastic.

    Like

  24. The Cutter says:

    You know, back in the day, they told people that Bubonic plague was nothing to worry about either

    Like

  25. Scott Erb says:

    Strong, Maine, right down the road from me, suspended a teacher 21 days with pay because she attended a teacher’s conference in Dallas (ten miles from the hospital) and parents were afraid. Crazy. But, just to be safe, I have un-friended my Texas Facebook friends – at least for 21 days.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Yes, I actually linked to this very story in my post. And another school quarantined their principal who came back from Zambia which is 3000 miles away from the nearest Ebola case. Compared to that, unfriending your Texas friends is perfectly rational.

      Like

  26. Pingback: Ebola Fever! | aliceatwonderland

  27. EagleAye says:

    Haha! Brilliant as always. I know a few people suffering from #9. My faves are numbers 4,5, and 6. I’d like to meet a guy who’s accurate with such a small caliber weapon. Viruses aren’t easy to hit, not because they’re microscopic, but because they have an amazing ability to dodge. 😉

    Like

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