10 Reasons Why You Should Never Feed Your Children

The government is meddling too much in our private lives and bullying us around with their food pyramid scheme. What ever happened to that thing called "freedom"? Image source: momdishesitout.com

The government is meddling way too much in our private lives and bullying us around with their food pyramid scheme. What ever happened to that thing called “freedom”?
Image source: momdishesitout.com

Recently, about 100 children became infected with measles in an outbreak, and everyone has been quick to blame the parents who refuse to vaccinate their children. However, I think that the vaccine skeptics’ arguments make perfect sense. I just don’t think that we should be limiting these arguments only to vaccines, and if we’re really serious about keeping our children safe, we should treat even the seemingly innocent things like food with the same amount of healthy skepticism. Here are 10 reasons why you as a parent should never give your children any food.

1)  Food has some scary side effects, and hundreds of people die of food poisoning every year.

2)  There is an established link between food and autism, because 99.95% of children who were diagnosed with autism had eaten food shortly before they were diagnosed.

3)  Food is proven to be less than 100% effective. Oftentimes, you eat the food and you STILL feel hungry later.

4)  You can’t possibly trust the food industry to produce quality food for your child, because they are in it only to make money.

5)  Parents always know better than the doctors what is wrong with their child and how to treat them. I don’t understand how that doesn’t automatically make parents qualified to perform brain surgery on their children.

6)  Your child is naturally perfect and doesn’t need any artificial additives like food to develop. Also, your child’s body has innate reserves helping him or her fight hunger. It’s called “baby fat” – look it up!

7)  There is also this thing called “herd immunity”: if everyone else around you is feeding their children, your child wouldn’t get hungry by eating everyone else’s food scraps.

8)  There are many scary chemicals in food, like dihydrogen monoxide, chlorine, or pentahydroxyhexanal. And products like yogurt are just brimming with all kinds of bacteria.

9)  The medically accepted schedule of feeding a child 4 to 6 times a day is too onerous for a child’s organism to handle. At the very least, meals should be staggered: maybe a breakfast at 6 months, lunch at 1 year, dinner at age 2, supper at age 4, and another booster breakfast at age 5.

10)  Finally, unlike an unvaccinated child with measles, you child can’t possibly infect someone else with hunger simply by touching them.

And remember, since you read this on the Internet, this must be 100% true.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

90 Responses to 10 Reasons Why You Should Never Feed Your Children

  1. sticklebean says:

    Date: Thu, 5 Feb 2015 06:55:08 +0000 To: nicklestix@hotmail.com

    Like

  2. This is genius. Gave me a good chuckle. I think you should do a whole series of these and then put them into a book, it would be the ultimate parenting guide.

    Like

  3. Kevin says:

    Oh, and why should you listen to science (kind of fits into your number 5)? How can science be right?

    Like

  4. Paul says:

    Very true X. And the money you save – it’s amazing – and as you say it is on the internet so it must be true. My Mother in Law used to keep horses. She said she was training one to survive without eating and she cut back on the food day by day. She was just getting the horse used to it when it died and she had to start all over again. (joke)

    Like

  5. DL says:

    Reblogged this on How to be Rich and Successful and commented:
    A couple of years ago the UK, a single report written by a discredited doctor and publicised by irresponsible reporting by a sensationalist press, linked MMR vaccinations with Autism despite all research prior and post this event clearly showing no link whatsoever. Sadly in the UK there was a resurgence of the disease with children made seriously ill and in some cases dying. There will always be a hard core of ‘parents’ who will ignore reason and probably also carry loaded handguns with the safety off in their kids schoolbags. But its just possible that List of X might just prick their self important smugness and get them to see sense….or it might not but it was a very funny blog anyway.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you, and I am absolutely sure that the people who are not convinced by science on the vaccines will not be swayed by this post either. However, it is very possible that they would instead rethink their approach to food.

      Like

  6. As I pointed out yesterday on a different blog, parents should also be in charge of deciding whether or not to strap their kids into expensive, restrictive carseats.

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  7. Plus, food gives you terrible–and I mean terrible–gas. Don’t ask me how I know. Just trust me.

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  8. Carrie Rubin says:

    Love the satire. Number nine especially made me laugh. My blood pressure’s been raised several notches from all the vaccine misinformation out there so it’s nice to be able to get a laugh out of it.

    Like

  9. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    Foods you have eaten standing up do not count, at least that is what I always heard about calories. It must be true because I’m 104 pounds soaking wet. 😛

    Like

  10. Amaya says:

    Reblogged this on BrabbleRabble and commented:
    Brilliant logic right here, folks!

    Like

  11. john zande says:

    Applause! Bravo!!

    Like

  12. Steve Ruis says:

    You don’t know the half of it! My data show that over 98% of all prisons currently U.S. prisons ate peas and carrots as children. It is clear that big Agribusiness is covering this up through their lackeys in the major political parties.

    Like

  13. rossmurray1 says:

    This post will cause a rash… of accolades! Because it’s pretty, pretty spot-on.

    Like

  14. The Cutter says:

    You’ve convinced me. No dinner for the kids at the Cutter house tonight!

    Like

  15. duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude… you have elevated sarcasm to a new art form… I love you man…

    Like

  16. pmahaney says:

    I think I am going to stop feeding my children right now. I hope I won’t be seen as overreacting.

    Like

  17. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I am being proactive and reminding my son not to breathe.

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    • List of X says:

      I have to commend you for being so proactive – as I’m sure you’re aware, breathing produces carbon dioxide, which is a major greenhouse gas contributing to the global warming. Essentially, breathing = destroying our planet.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. pegoleg says:

    Noted medical expert/Playboy bunny/professional celebrity girlfriend Jenny McCarthy would say you are full of it. But she is too busy to comment now that she has a new, highbrow TV show – “Joanie loves Chachi.” Or something like that.

    Like

  19. Jae says:

    What’s wrong with doing things like they used to do in the middle ages. It’s tradition. They didn’t vaccinate for the plague in the 14th century and who did that hurt?

    Like

  20. The Hook says:

    Brilliant… as always.

    Like

  21. Trent Lewin says:

    Almost painfully funny, X, really.

    Like

  22. Brilliant. When my sons were young, one of them in a fit of nasty bad manners said ‘I hate this…’ whatever it was I was cooking that night. I promptly stopped cooking for them forever and ever amen.

    They were my stepsons. They were 7 and 10 at the time and were quite boorish. They had been my sons for 4.5 years and despite all my best attempts still had not learned good manners. Each weekend their mother undid everything I did (now she is grateful, then she was a prig).

    Now they are 34 and 37. I found out their father fed them behind my back.

    this was brilliant X. As always this was absolutely brilliant.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I’m sure it didn’t come as a complete surprise to you that their father was feeding them. I mean, someone had to, and 7 and 10 year olds just don’t have that many options 🙂
      But – you did stop – and that makes you decades ahead of your time.

      Like

  23. Gibber says:

    And..feeding your children take up time and money most don’t have..

    Like

  24. Anonymous says:

    Faultless logic!

    Like

  25. aFrankAngle says:

    This makes 100% sense to me … perfect … and gotta love #5!

    Like

  26. Elyse says:

    X marks the spot, as always!

    Like

  27. By extending your brilliant logic, I conclude that if we stop feeding the parents, they will eventually stop having children and we won’t have to worry about silly things like measles and vaccinations.

    Like

  28. calahan says:

    This is one of your best. Loved it. Makes me regret my vasectomy, now.

    Like

  29. Julie says:

    So happy to see this in print. I have stopped feeding my children. Unfortunately, I did not figure this out before they could feed themselves. I should have read this 24 years ago. You also missed the added benefit of many less dishes to wash, which I also missed out on.
    This is a HUGE conservation for the world, all the way around.

    Like

  30. List of X says:

    There are so many benefits to not feeding the children, that benefits of non-vaccinating them aren’t even close.
    24 years ago there weren’t even any Internet on which you could have read this, and I’m sure your children are immensely grateful for that fact. But maybe they will find this post useful for when they have children of their own.

    Like

  31. Air is the same as food in this respect.
    I know people who breathed air all their lives and died.
    Air is addictive too.
    I know people who have tried to avoid breathing it and have almost died.

    Like

  32. Teresa says:

    Outstanding. I’m certain someone has already pointed it out, but the #1 cause of death is life itself.

    Like

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