10 Super Terrifying Things Joe Biden Will Do To You If Elected

Posted on August 26, 2020 by

Official Joe Biden photo distributed by the Republican National Committee

A virtual Republican party convention is taking place this week (it’s “virtual” since the Republican party is no longer a “real” party but more of a Trump cult). At the convention, various members of the Trump family and a handful of not-as-of-yet fired and/or imprisoned associates and loyalists of Donald Trump made speeches offering a message of hope and optimism and a mountain of messages of doom and gloom that would befall our country should a Democratic nominee Joe Biden win the 2020 presidential election. However, judging by the polls that show Biden ahead of Trump, the Republicans’ message of fear and disaster is not sufficiently resonating with the average Americans. To make this message truly resonate, here are 10 horrible and scary things that Joe Biden would do to this country, and TO YOU PERSONALLY, if elected.

1)  Joe Biden will come to your house and MURDER YOUR CAT. And since many people own zero cats, and some people had worked hard and accumulated many cats, Joe Biden will punish the multi-cat-owners more severely and will REDISTRIBUTE their DEAD CATS to the LAZY CATLESS PEOPLE!

2)  Joe Biden will DESTROY our beautiful suburbs!! On November 4, he’ll show up on a tow truck, drive over your beautiful just-mowed lawn, and as your beautiful – and VERY SCARED CHILDREN are helplessly screaming, Mommy, Mommy, what is the mean man doing to us!? – Sleepy Jow will personally load up YOUR BEAUTIFUL HOUSE onto the tow truck and drop it off right in the middle of the most CRIME-INFESTED URBAN area within the standard 50 mile towing range!!!!

3)  On November 18, when Sleepy Joe Biden will finally remember that he saw your BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN when stealing your house, he will tell Kamala Harris about them, and she will show up to PERFORM A VERY LATE TERM ABORTION on them!!!!

4)  Joe Biden will TAX YOU to give free stuff to THEM, unlike Donald Trump, who’ll tax THEM and give FREE STUFF (like a free border wall) to YOU!!!!!

5)  Joe Biden will make COAL AND OIL ILLEGAL and his JACK-BOOTED THUGS will make everyone use solar and wind energy, so you will no longer be able to watch Fox News 24-7 like you do everyday BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NO ELECTRICITY at night!!!!!

6)  Joe Biden will give CITIZENSHIP to chickens, no questions asked, and you know who these hippie free-range cluck-clucks-clan supporting chickens would vote for!!!!!

7)  If Joe Biden is elected, there would be NO MORE WATER. All the water will be FROZEN SOLID into ICE by the global-warming-hating Democrats, and if you get thirsty and wanted to defrost some water in your microwave, you better hope it is sunny enough for your microwave to power up!!!!!

8)  If elected, Joe Biden WILL KILL GOD, yes, our tremendous immortal and omnipotent God, Who is just being recognized for the great things he has been doing recently, is IN GRAVE DANGER!!!  The no-good Joe Biden will break through the Pearly Gates of Heaven, run up to God, smell His hair, and STAB HIM in the Back, and our omniscient God won’t even know what hit Him!!!! Why else would have Democrats nominated a guy who’s SO OLD that he could DIE and meet our Lord so very soon?!?!?!

9)  Joe Biden will institute SOCIALISM all over this great country!!! That’s right, he’ll take socialism away from the America’s great crony capitalists and politicians and redistribute it to the poor, even “black” people!!!!!!!

10)  If Joe Biden is elected, there would be RIOTS AND LOOTING in the streets, there would be SKY-HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT, there would be VIOLENT CRIME and CANCEL CULTURE and THOUSANDS OF DEAD from the Chinese Coronavirus!  So, it would be kind of just like now, but it would be ALL JOE BIDEN’S FAULT!!!!!!!

Oh, you thought this list will stop at 10, as usual? NOPE!!!! Turning up the fear factor UP TO ELEVEN!!!!!

11)  Joe Biden will give ALL ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS a SOCIALIST HEALTHCARE with DEATH PANELS that will kill them all!!!… no, wait, that’s… actually a good thing, so ignore that… BUT he WILL NOT GIVE SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE TO ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!!!!… ummm….that’s also good…. this is confusing… uhhh… Anyway, BENGHAZI!!!!! HILLARY’S EMAILS!!!!!!!  BAD!!!! SCARY!!!! OOOOOOOH!!!!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

10 Things You Did Not Realize That Are Surprisingly Racist

Posted on August 4, 2020 by

If you just pay attention, you find that there’s racism even within a dictionary. (It’s possible that the placement of the image is also racist because it’s been aligned to the right).

The death of George Floyd at the hands of the police has reignited the movement of people coming out on the streets to protest against racism, and a movement of people coming out on Twitter to point out and call out more and more things that are racist. Because pointing out racist things online is easier and doesn’t carry risk of being teargassed or arrested, here are 10 more things that are unexpectedly racist.

1) Elections: Elections are racist, since white folks get five times more votes than black people.

2) Sports: Hockey and swimming are racist because they have a severe underrepresentation of black athletes, and basketball and football are racist because they shamelessly parade and exploit the mostly black athletes for the entertainment of largely white audiences.

3) Lead paint: Basically, it’s a tin can just filled with toxic whiteness.

4) Astronomy: A white-colored star is making all the other planets run in circles around it in our solar system. Compare and contrast to the concept of a “black hole” which is considered to be a destructive force in the universe that pull in anything that fall below the event horizon and doesn’t allow it to escape (which I guess is astronomy-speak for “once you go black, you don’t go back”).

5) Martin Luther King, Jr. He was an early supporter of the racist “all people are equal, all lives equally matter” agenda.

6) Logic: Logic is racist because… I wish I could explain, but making a logical argument why logic is racist would just be perpetuating racism.

7) Grocery shopping: Many fruits, such as bananas or apples are only considered to be good while their skin is light-colored, but are passed over and discarded when they turn brown or black.

8) Photosynthesis: This is a process in plants that – problematically – works only when it’s light out, but not when it’s dark, and depends on the sun, which we just determined to be racist.

9) Having black friends: Everybody knows that anyone who says “I have a black friend” is only using it to justify their racism.

??) Numbers, because they are an oppressively hierarchical construct where some numbers are always assumed to be higher than the others. Also, there were many documented historical incidents where numbers had been used to count slaves.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , | 17 Comments

10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Never Wears A Mask

Posted on July 11, 2020 by

Just one of many photos of mask-free president Donald Trump along with other people who are wearing masks. However, it is entirely possible that these other people are wearing masks mainly because they are embarrassed to be seen next to Donald Trump.

Although scientists and doctors have recommended wearing masks to protect yourself and others from COVID-19, and many politicians in the US have made it a point to wear masks in public, there is one politician who is persistently and conspicuously never wears a mask. Absolutely coincidentally, this politician just happens to be a president of a country that has had more COVID-19 cases than any other country in the world. So here are 10 possible reasons why Donald Trump never wears a mask.

1)  A mask might make Donald Trump look less manly and would probably smear his fake tan and makeup.

2)  He does not need to, because he has dozens of Secret Service agents standing ready to shoot down any germ trying to infect him.

3)  Vice president Mike Pence, who stands ready to take over Donald Trump’s job should anything bad happen to Donald Trump, has convinced Trump that not wearing the mask is perfectly safe.

4)  Donald Trump had started wearing masks, but they kept getting sucked into his throat whenever he would say the word “CHINA!!!”

5)  A strong leader cannot give an impression that he is scared of some virus. A strong leader could only be scared of immigrants, protesters, Muslims, vote-by-mail ballots, liberal snowflakes, and windmills.

6)  According to Donald Trump, he can’t wear a mask because it’s currently under audit.

7)  His skin is so thin that even a hint of extra pressure created by a mask could make him explode.

8)  He thinks that he is immune to COVID-19 because he has tremendous health, best health in the nation, and he tested negative two months ago, and it was the most negative result by far, maybe in the history of mankind.

9)  Many remember the famous quote from the president: “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait”. And it’s really difficult to just start kissing somebody when you’re wearing a mask – whether it’s a face of a beautiful woman or an ass of a Russian president.

10)  His tiny fingers can’t reach the masks straps behind the ears.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

10 Reasons Why Masks Are Terrible For You

Posted on July 10, 2020 by

It seems innocent enough at a first look. But look closely. Doesn’t it look like one of those terrifying horror movie aliens that jump onto people’s faces and choke them?

There has been a lot of speculation about whether people should wear masks to protect themselves and others from COVID-19 or shouldn’t, and scientists don’t really help, because they keep coming up with different answer seemingly every couple of weeks. Seriously, science, can’t you just pick one thing and just stick to it for the next couple thousand years, like religion does? Luckily, there are tens of millions of self-educated epidemiologists and Google-trained mask experts on Facebook, and from their combined wisdom here are 10 reasons why masks are bad for you.

1)  Masks are reducing the flow of oxygen to your brain. Did you know that the air inside the mask is 78% nitrogen and only 21% oxygen?

2)  Requiring people to wear masks is tyranny. What’s next, requiring people to wash their hands after going to the bathroom, and, speaking of which, going to the bathroom – in the bathroom?

3)  Wearing masks makes it harder to engage in exercises such as running or bicycling: the mask straps push your ears forward, creating additional air resistance that requires you to apply additional effort to move forward.

4)  They say that masks are easy to use, but, apparently, one does actually need 6 years of medical training to wear a mask properly – hey morons, when they say “social distancing”, they don’t mean your mask and your nose!

5)  Wearing masks makes people look like sheep. Although… come to think about it, it’s the sheep who are never wearing masks.

6)  They even require kids to wear masks, and kids are too small to wear masks! Can you imagine kids wearing mask, going from one place to another while wearing masks, hanging out with friends while wearing masks, talking to adults while wearing masks, getting snacks while wearing masks?! Okay, fine, but besides Halloween!?

7)  The design of the masks is so diabolically terrible that the holes in the filters are simultaneously too big to stop the virus from going through and too small to allow a 1000 times smaller oxygen molecules to slip through.

8)  It doesn’t matter that medical workers wear the masks for their protection, because medical workers are biologically different from the Real Americans.

9)  Masks make your immune system 5 times weaker. So if you might get COVID-19 without a mask, if you are wearing a mask you’ll get COVID-95!

10)  Masks do not protect from the virus. The best defense against a bad guy with a virus is a good guy with a virus.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , | 34 Comments

10 Real President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America

Posted on March 27, 2020 by

Many of you have probably received (or will receive) a postcard in the mail named “President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America”. The postcard has many usual suggestions on various measures aimed to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19 that we’ve all heard a thousand times, like washing your hands and avoiding public places. However, since the card says “President Trump’s Guidelines” and not “CDC Guidelines”, it’s likely that President Trump did write his guidelines personally, and then the Deep State bureaucrats at the CDC rewrote the guidelines to turn it into a useless mush. Here is how the guidelines must have looked like when President Trump wrote them personally.

1)  Don’t get sick and die. I like those who don’t get sick and die.

2)  If you are an person older that 75, you should isolate yourself and end your presidential campaign against me immediately.

3)  If you cough or sneeze, take no responsibility at all.

4)  If you think you have coronavirus, stay home and quarantine yourself for 14 days. We don’t have enough tests or medicine, so you’re going to get tested, you’re just going to make our stats look bad.

5)  Don’t touch your own face. Grab others by the pussy, if you’re a star they let you do it.

6)  If your school is closed, find something for your kids to do. You could give your kids pretend-jobs, like I gave mine.

7)  I’m going to send everyone $1200 hush money, I mean, a stimulus check. You could buy yourself a roll of toilet paper with it.

8)  Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly after being in a public place. If you don’t have access to water and soap or hand sanitizer, have your Vice President lick your hands clean for you.

9)  Avoid public gatherings, unless it’s my inauguration party, because it’s going to be historic, biggest inauguration in history, everyone is going to be there, you can’t miss it.

10)  If you’re Mexican on Muslim, you don’t need to do anything.

The card also has the following small print section:

By the way, I took the test and I got the perfect score. The lying failing mainstream media say that negative is good, and positive is bad, which sounds totally upside down to anyone with half as much common sense as I have, their obviously lying. All the doctors are asking, how is it that I know so much about this coronavirus, when no one knew anything about this virus until yesterday? And I knew everything before everybody, because my uncle was a professor at MIT, so I have genius genes in my brain, and I knew at least two weeks ago, and no one even told me about this virus until today. Not many people know this virus came from China, and I knew it all along, it’s a terrible virus, it killed 21 million people in China and I knew it before anyone in China even noticed, very sad! It’s very dangerous out there and the people should go back to work right away because the market and jobs need people to work, and did I say I will personally write every American a check for $1200 and covfefe
Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

10 Reactions To Donald Trump’s Impeachment Acquittal

Posted on February 6, 2020 by

In his acquittal speech President Donald Trump reiterated that his phone call was perfect and again demanded that everyone reads the call transcript. After which he turned to his aides and again demanded that they do not release the full call transcript.
Image source: Quora

This Wednesday, the Republican-controlled…or should I say, Trump-controlled, Senate voted to acquit president Trump of the charges in both articles of impeachment approved by the House of Representatives late last year, just days after voting against allowing any witnesses or evidence in the impeachment trial. Democrats were understandably upset. On the other hand, president Trump, in a measured and very presidential response, swore revenge and retribution on anyone who dared to vote against him, testify against him, or as much as “liked” a post calling for his impeachment, which I guess must be how this checks and balances thing works in today’s American democracy. Here are 10 other reactions to the president Donald Trump’s acquittal.

1)  Donald Trump, president:  “Many people are saying that I am the most acquitted president in history, maybe ever!  No other president was acquitted as quickly or as many times as I have!”

2)  Mike Pence, Vice President:  “….Gosh darn it. Really should stop getting my hopes up…”

3)  Melania Trump, First Lady:  “This change nothing. You still sleeping on couch, you cheating jebač.”

4)  Ted Cruz, Republican Senator:  “I believe very strongly that the House managers presenting the articles of impeachment against the president failed to meet the burden of proof that the president is a Democrat.”

5)  Nancy Pelosi, House majority leader:  “I feel a tear coming up. Does anyone have any printouts of Trump’s speeches?”

6)  Gutta Beborne, obstetrician:  “I just wanted to correct people who had mistakenly called this trial a miscarriage of justice. A miscarriage is a natural process. This is more like the Republican senators performing a late-term abortion of justice.”

7)  Chuck Schumer, Senate minority leader:  “We were really hoping to hear the witness testimony from the former National Security Advisor John Bolton which would have strengthened the case for conviction. Now that the president promised to take some action against him, Mr. Bolton might want to start watching his back.  However, I’m sure President Trump will simply claim that he never met John Bolton, and the rest of the Republican party will believe him.”

8)  Mitch McConnell, Senate majority leader:  “President Trump has done nothing wrong. He certainly did not abuse his power. In my book, the only thing that would constitute an abuse of power is handing any power to the Democrats.”

9)  William Barr, attorney general:  “This was a great trial. Really speedy, really good justice. That no witnesses thing really helped. We’re thinking of getting rid of witnesses and evidence in all other trials we have, it’s gonna make it so much easier to convict who we want to convict and acquit who we want to acquit.”

10)  Democratic Party of Iowa:  “Hey, you guys need help counting the votes? We love counting the votes!”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments

10 Reasons Why Iowa Democratic Caucus Results Have Been Delayed

Posted on February 4, 2020 by

The Democratic caucus election in Iowa took place yesterday, and, as of this moment, the results have not yet been released. Many people are blaming the Russians, but it’s clear that the Russians must have interfered in the Republican caucus to get Donald Trump quickly and easily elected there. Here are the real reasons why the Democratic caucus results are taking so long to get released.

1. An Asian-looking guy sneezed in a results counting room, causing an immediate evacuation of 6 surrounding counties.

2. The Iowa caucus was hacked by New Hampshire, long jealous of Iowa’s first-in-the-nation voting status.

3.  It took 17 hours 42 minutes just to explain how the caucus voting works.

4.  Because the Iowa caucuses work by determining viable candidates, delays were caused due to having to get a doctor’s opinion on whether 78-year-old Bernie Sanders and 77-year-old Joe Biden are actually viable.

5. No matter how many times they counted and who came up as the winner of the caucus, Hillary Clinton kept winning the popular vote.

6. Republicans in the Iowa State Senate blocked the release of the results until they could do a thorough investigation of Hunter Biden and Burisma.

7.  Several progressive groups tried to block the vote counting on the grounds that the digit symbols had been culturally appropriated from the Arabic culture, and that counting is exploitative and inherently unequal because it always puts certain numbers ahead of the others.

8.  The results were supposed to be reported using a smartphone app. Unfortunately, as everyone knows, whenever you grab a phone to actually do something useful on one of its apps for once, you always find yourself scrolling through Facebook 6 hours later without a vaguest idea what made you grab the phone in the first place.

9. Many caucus votes who came prepared to “vote blue no matter who” were confused when they couldn’t find this Bluenomatterwho person on the ballot, eventually casting their votes for Mayor Pete assuming that’s how “Buttigieg” must be pronounced.

10. Reason #10 will be released later, as soon as complete list of reasons becomes available.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , | 16 Comments

10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Cancelled The Military Strike On Iran

Posted on June 27, 2019 by

In a related speech, President Trump had indicated how much he cares that Congress is the only branch of government that is constitutionally allowed to declare wars.
Image source: Quora

Last week, the Iranian military shot down an unmanned American surveillance drone worth $220 million dollars over the Persian Gulf, and a few days earlier, several oil tankers have been attacked in the Gulf. In response, President Trump decisively ordered an airstrike against Iranian military targets, then unexpectedly, but just as decisively, aborted the strike a few minutes later (thus also proving that his pro-abortion cred). Here are 10 reasons why Donald Trump called off the airstrike on Iran.

1)  He thought that by cancelling the strike at the last minute he will finally lock down that elusive Nobel Peace prize.

2)  Trump didn’t want to ruin the relationship with a foreign authoritarian government – what if you need to collude with them later?

3)  His bone spurs started acting up.

4)  Trump chose to punish Iran in a different way, specifically, by firing off multiple nasty tweets in ALL CAPS at them.

5)  Trump changed his mind after he was told that the strike would result in 150 deaths, because Trump is tremendously appreciative of the sanctity of human life, unless it’s a life of some migrant toddler in a border detention camp.

6)  Trump decided that it doesn’t make sense to attack Iran now since we’re going to Mars of which Iran is a part of.

7)  The one-two combination of the attack order and the subsequent cancellation was only meant to be a clever ruse to test the loyalty of his appointees, by forcing them to praise both Trump’s wisdom in ordering the attack, and Trump’s wisdom in calling it off.

8)  Iran isn’t the real enemy. It’s not like they going to try impeach Donald Trump.

9)  Trump had previously ordered strikes in Syria and Somalia, and he’s heard something of some “three strikes and you’re out” rule in the Constitution or somewhere.

10)  It’s really hard to press the correct button on his secret “countries to attack” keyboard with his tiny hands.

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

10 Reasons Why America Should Stop Using Wind Power

Posted on April 7, 2019 by

They’re mostly in rural areas, often in groups of dozens or more, almost always white, and often wildly flailing their arms – it’s amazing how much pro-Trump/anti-windpower rallies are similar to the wind farms.

Recently, president Donald Trump sharply criticized wind power, shortly after demanding the repeal of gravity, and trying to win a staring contest against the sun. In Trump’s tremendously scientific opinion, the wind power is terrible because wind turbines decrease property values by 750% and the noise from the turbines causes cancer. But this is just scratching the surface on all the potential problems from the wind power, so here are 10 more reasons why America should stop using the wind power completely.

1)  Wind turbines kill hundreds of birds who otherwise would be dying of natural causes like pollution and habitat destruction.

2)  Wind turbines have been proven to cause nausea and headaches for coal executives.

3)  Because wind occurs when hot air rises from the surface and is replaced by cooler air, eventually all the hot air on the planet will rise up and the planet will have no more hot air, and we therefore will run out of wind! Science!

4)  Also, after all the hot air will get replaced by the cold air, we will see a global cooling instead of the global warming, and we will urgently need to burn coal to raise the Earth’s temperature back up.

5)  Wind turbines generate lot of unhealthy noise, with 92% of that noise coming from the president and other Republicans.

6)  When God is using strong winds like tornadoes and hurricanes to punish America for homosexuality, wind turbines pervert God’s plan, because wind turbines allow every homosexual to power up to 120 average American houses.

7)  Also, if God wanted us to use wind power for electricity generation instead of coal, he would have left abundant underground deposits of wind turbines instead of coal.

8) Wind turbines are completely useless because they only work when the wind blows – which is the opposite of, say, Trump’s golf courses which only work when the weather is nice.

9)  For all the windmill cancer they cause (there are currently zero documented cases, but the real number could be a thousand times that!), wind turbines do not create nearly as much air pollution, toxic runoff, and other health problems as coal and oil, and wind power will therefore cause millions of doctors and nurses to lose their jobs.

10) Wind has no respect for the American laws and values and crosses the US border illegally every day from who knows how many Mexican countries.

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 37 Comments

10 Reasons Why Donald Trump’s Summit With North Korea Was A Total Failure

Posted on March 4, 2019 by

Donald Trump immediately regretted coming to Vietnam as his bone spurs started acting up.
Image source: Reuters

Last week, Donald Trump went to Vietnam to meet the North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in a historic summit, their second historic, even more historic than their first historic summit. The summit was a resounding success – you are reading this, which means you and the rest of the world haven’t yet perished in a worldwide nuclear apocalypse. However, the lying mainstream media has already falsely branded the summit a failure, choosing to focus on unimportant metrics like both leaders leaving the summit early without signing any agreements. Here are 10 reasons why the summit was a total failure, I mean, a great success:

1)  Trump didn’t really give his 100% to the negotiation because he knew that the Nobel Peace Prize was already in his pocket.

2)  Secretary of State Mike Pompeo did not have the courage to tell Donald Trump that the “Noble Piece Prize” that Donald Trump had in his pocket was just a novelty gift an aide bought in a joke shop.

3)  Although the goal of the meeting was to demonstrate that North Korea was serious about giving up its nuclear weapons, all throughout the meeting Kim Jong Un kept playing with his big red nuclear button and occasionally pretending to press it while making loud explosions noises.

4)  Donald Trump was very angry that his aides did not bring his own big red nuclear button to the meeting.

5)  Donald Trump wasn’t really planning to sign any documents, since the real purpose of his visit to Vietnam was to find a low-priced Vietnamese sweatshop to produce Ivanka’s “made in America” clothing.

6) Vice President Mike Pence was very upset that Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un sat him next to a woman and kept asking to go home.

7)  Donald Trump was very distracted and kept looking at his phone to watch his former lawyer Michael Cohen’s testimony before Congress, and constantly interrupted the meeting with loud outbursts of profanities and angry yelling.

8) Kim Jong Un was also very distracted and kept interrupting the meeting with outbursts of loud laughter while apparently watching the same testimony on his phone.

9)  Donald Trump found it impossible to tweet because twitter is blocked within 10 mile radius from Kim Jong Un, and couldn’t handle the withdrawal for more than 24 hours.

10)  Donald Trump refused to sign the denuclearization agreement with North Korea once he found out that the document doesn’t provide any funding for his southern border wall.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 40 Comments