10 Real President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America

Many of you have probably received (or will receive) a postcard in the mail named “President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America”. The postcard has many usual suggestions on various measures aimed to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19 that we’ve all heard a thousand times, like washing your hands and avoiding public places. However, since the card says “President Trump’s Guidelines” and not “CDC Guidelines”, it’s likely that President Trump did write his guidelines personally, and then the Deep State bureaucrats at the CDC rewrote the guidelines to turn it into a useless mush. Here is how the guidelines must have looked like when President Trump wrote them personally.

1)  Don’t get sick and die. I like those who don’t get sick and die.

2)  If you are an person older that 75, you should isolate yourself and end your presidential campaign against me immediately.

3)  If you cough or sneeze, take no responsibility at all.

4)  If you think you have coronavirus, stay home and quarantine yourself for 14 days. We don’t have enough tests or medicine, so you’re going to get tested, you’re just going to make our stats look bad.

5)  Don’t touch your own face. Grab others by the pussy, if you’re a star they let you do it.

6)  If your school is closed, find something for your kids to do. You could give your kids pretend-jobs, like I gave mine.

7)  I’m going to send everyone $1200 hush money, I mean, a stimulus check. You could buy yourself a roll of toilet paper with it.

8)  Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly after being in a public place. If you don’t have access to water and soap or hand sanitizer, have your Vice President lick your hands clean for you.

9)  Avoid public gatherings, unless it’s my inauguration party, because it’s going to be historic, biggest inauguration in history, everyone is going to be there, you can’t miss it.

10)  If you’re Mexican on Muslim, you don’t need to do anything.

The card also has the following small print section:

By the way, I took the test and I got the perfect score. The lying failing mainstream media say that negative is good, and positive is bad, which sounds totally upside down to anyone with half as much common sense as I have, their obviously lying. All the doctors are asking, how is it that I know so much about this coronavirus, when no one knew anything about this virus until yesterday? And I knew everything before everybody, because my uncle was a professor at MIT, so I have genius genes in my brain, and I knew at least two weeks ago, and no one even told me about this virus until today. Not many people know this virus came from China, and I knew it all along, it’s a terrible virus, it killed 21 million people in China and I knew it before anyone in China even noticed, very sad! It’s very dangerous out there and the people should go back to work right away because the market and jobs need people to work, and did I say I will personally write every American a check for $1200 and covfefe
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10 Reactions To Donald Trump’s Impeachment Acquittal

In his acquittal speech President Donald Trump reiterated that his phone call was perfect and again demanded that everyone reads the call transcript. After which he turned to his aides and again demanded that they do not release the full call transcript.
Image source: Quora

This Wednesday, the Republican-controlled…or should I say, Trump-controlled, Senate voted to acquit president Trump of the charges in both articles of impeachment approved by the House of Representatives late last year, just days after voting against allowing any witnesses or evidence in the impeachment trial. Democrats were understandably upset. On the other hand, president Trump, in a measured and very presidential response, swore revenge and retribution on anyone who dared to vote against him, testify against him, or as much as “liked” a post calling for his impeachment, which I guess must be how this checks and balances thing works in today’s American democracy. Here are 10 other reactions to the president Donald Trump’s acquittal.

1)  Donald Trump, president:  “Many people are saying that I am the most acquitted president in history, maybe ever!  No other president was acquitted as quickly or as many times as I have!”

2)  Mike Pence, Vice President:  “….Gosh darn it. Really should stop getting my hopes up…”

3)  Melania Trump, First Lady:  “This change nothing. You still sleeping on couch, you cheating jebač.”

4)  Ted Cruz, Republican Senator:  “I believe very strongly that the House managers presenting the articles of impeachment against the president failed to meet the burden of proof that the president is a Democrat.”

5)  Nancy Pelosi, House majority leader:  “I feel a tear coming up. Does anyone have any printouts of Trump’s speeches?”

6)  Gutta Beborne, obstetrician:  “I just wanted to correct people who had mistakenly called this trial a miscarriage of justice. A miscarriage is a natural process. This is more like the Republican senators performing a late-term abortion of justice.”

7)  Chuck Schumer, Senate minority leader:  “We were really hoping to hear the witness testimony from the former National Security Advisor John Bolton which would have strengthened the case for conviction. Now that the president promised to take some action against him, Mr. Bolton might want to start watching his back.  However, I’m sure President Trump will simply claim that he never met John Bolton, and the rest of the Republican party will believe him.”

8)  Mitch McConnell, Senate majority leader:  “President Trump has done nothing wrong. He certainly did not abuse his power. In my book, the only thing that would constitute an abuse of power is handing any power to the Democrats.”

9)  William Barr, attorney general:  “This was a great trial. Really speedy, really good justice. That no witnesses thing really helped. We’re thinking of getting rid of witnesses and evidence in all other trials we have, it’s gonna make it so much easier to convict who we want to convict and acquit who we want to acquit.”

10)  Democratic Party of Iowa:  “Hey, you guys need help counting the votes? We love counting the votes!”

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10 Reasons Why Iowa Democratic Caucus Results Have Been Delayed

The Democratic caucus election in Iowa took place yesterday, and, as of this moment, the results have not yet been released. Many people are blaming the Russians, but it’s clear that the Russians must have interfered in the Republican caucus to get Donald Trump quickly and easily elected there. Here are the real reasons why the Democratic caucus results are taking so long to get released.

1. An Asian-looking guy sneezed in a results counting room, causing an immediate evacuation of 6 surrounding counties.

2. The Iowa caucus was hacked by New Hampshire, long jealous of Iowa’s first-in-the-nation voting status.

3.  It took 17 hours 42 minutes just to explain how the caucus voting works.

4.  Because the Iowa caucuses work by determining viable candidates, delays were caused due to having to get a doctor’s opinion on whether 78-year-old Bernie Sanders and 77-year-old Joe Biden are actually viable.

5. No matter how many times they counted and who came up as the winner of the caucus, Hillary Clinton kept winning the popular vote.

6. Republicans in the Iowa State Senate blocked the release of the results until they could do a thorough investigation of Hunter Biden and Burisma.

7.  Several progressive groups tried to block the vote counting on the grounds that the digit symbols had been culturally appropriated from the Arabic culture, and that counting is exploitative and inherently unequal because it always puts certain numbers ahead of the others.

8.  The results were supposed to be reported using a smartphone app. Unfortunately, as everyone knows, whenever you grab a phone to actually do something useful on one of its apps for once, you always find yourself scrolling through Facebook 6 hours later without a vaguest idea what made you grab the phone in the first place.

9. Many caucus votes who came prepared to “vote blue no matter who” were confused when they couldn’t find this Bluenomatterwho person on the ballot, eventually casting their votes for Mayor Pete assuming that’s how “Buttigieg” must be pronounced.

10. Reason #10 will be released later, as soon as complete list of reasons becomes available.

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10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Cancelled The Military Strike On Iran

In a related speech, President Trump had indicated how much he cares that Congress is the only branch of government that is constitutionally allowed to declare wars.
Image source: Quora

Last week, the Iranian military shot down an unmanned American surveillance drone worth $220 million dollars over the Persian Gulf, and a few days earlier, several oil tankers have been attacked in the Gulf. In response, President Trump decisively ordered an airstrike against Iranian military targets, then unexpectedly, but just as decisively, aborted the strike a few minutes later (thus also proving that his pro-abortion cred). Here are 10 reasons why Donald Trump called off the airstrike on Iran.

1)  He thought that by cancelling the strike at the last minute he will finally lock down that elusive Nobel Peace prize.

2)  Trump didn’t want to ruin the relationship with a foreign authoritarian government – what if you need to collude with them later?

3)  His bone spurs started acting up.

4)  Trump chose to punish Iran in a different way, specifically, by firing off multiple nasty tweets in ALL CAPS at them.

5)  Trump changed his mind after he was told that the strike would result in 150 deaths, because Trump is tremendously appreciative of the sanctity of human life, unless it’s a life of some migrant toddler in a border detention camp.

6)  Trump decided that it doesn’t make sense to attack Iran now since we’re going to Mars of which Iran is a part of.

7)  The one-two combination of the attack order and the subsequent cancellation was only meant to be a clever ruse to test the loyalty of his appointees, by forcing them to praise both Trump’s wisdom in ordering the attack, and Trump’s wisdom in calling it off.

8)  Iran isn’t the real enemy. It’s not like they going to try impeach Donald Trump.

9)  Trump had previously ordered strikes in Syria and Somalia, and he’s heard something of some “three strikes and you’re out” rule in the Constitution or somewhere.

10)  It’s really hard to press the correct button on his secret “countries to attack” keyboard with his tiny hands.

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10 Reasons Why America Should Stop Using Wind Power

They’re mostly in rural areas, often in groups of dozens or more, almost always white, and often wildly flailing their arms – it’s amazing how much pro-Trump/anti-windpower rallies are similar to the wind farms.

Recently, president Donald Trump sharply criticized wind power, shortly after demanding the repeal of gravity, and trying to win a staring contest against the sun. In Trump’s tremendously scientific opinion, the wind power is terrible because wind turbines decrease property values by 750% and the noise from the turbines causes cancer. But this is just scratching the surface on all the potential problems from the wind power, so here are 10 more reasons why America should stop using the wind power completely.

1)  Wind turbines kill hundreds of birds who otherwise would be dying of natural causes like pollution and habitat destruction.

2)  Wind turbines have been proven to cause nausea and headaches for coal executives.

3)  Because wind occurs when hot air rises from the surface and is replaced by cooler air, eventually all the hot air on the planet will rise up and the planet will have no more hot air, and we therefore will run out of wind! Science!

4)  Also, after all the hot air will get replaced by the cold air, we will see a global cooling instead of the global warming, and we will urgently need to burn coal to raise the Earth’s temperature back up.

5)  Wind turbines generate lot of unhealthy noise, with 92% of that noise coming from the president and other Republicans.

6)  When God is using strong winds like tornadoes and hurricanes to punish America for homosexuality, wind turbines pervert God’s plan, because wind turbines allow every homosexual to power up to 120 average American houses.

7)  Also, if God wanted us to use wind power for electricity generation instead of coal, he would have left abundant underground deposits of wind turbines instead of coal.

8) Wind turbines are completely useless because they only work when the wind blows – which is the opposite of, say, Trump’s golf courses which only work when the weather is nice.

9)  For all the windmill cancer they cause (there are currently zero documented cases, but the real number could be a thousand times that!), wind turbines do not create nearly as much air pollution, toxic runoff, and other health problems as coal and oil, and wind power will therefore cause millions of doctors and nurses to lose their jobs.

10) Wind has no respect for the American laws and values and crosses the US border illegally every day from who knows how many Mexican countries.

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10 Reasons Why Donald Trump’s Summit With North Korea Was A Total Failure

Donald Trump immediately regretted coming to Vietnam as his bone spurs started acting up.
Image source: Reuters

Last week, Donald Trump went to Vietnam to meet the North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in a historic summit, their second historic, even more historic than their first historic summit. The summit was a resounding success – you are reading this, which means you and the rest of the world haven’t yet perished in a worldwide nuclear apocalypse. However, the lying mainstream media has already falsely branded the summit a failure, choosing to focus on unimportant metrics like both leaders leaving the summit early without signing any agreements. Here are 10 reasons why the summit was a total failure, I mean, a great success:

1)  Trump didn’t really give his 100% to the negotiation because he knew that the Nobel Peace Prize was already in his pocket.

2)  Secretary of State Mike Pompeo did not have the courage to tell Donald Trump that the “Noble Piece Prize” that Donald Trump had in his pocket was just a novelty gift an aide bought in a joke shop.

3)  Although the goal of the meeting was to demonstrate that North Korea was serious about giving up its nuclear weapons, all throughout the meeting Kim Jong Un kept playing with his big red nuclear button and occasionally pretending to press it while making loud explosions noises.

4)  Donald Trump was very angry that his aides did not bring his own big red nuclear button to the meeting.

5)  Donald Trump wasn’t really planning to sign any documents, since the real purpose of his visit to Vietnam was to find a low-priced Vietnamese sweatshop to produce Ivanka’s “made in America” clothing.

6) Vice President Mike Pence was very upset that Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un sat him next to a woman and kept asking to go home.

7)  Donald Trump was very distracted and kept looking at his phone to watch his former lawyer Michael Cohen’s testimony before Congress, and constantly interrupted the meeting with loud outbursts of profanities and angry yelling.

8) Kim Jong Un was also very distracted and kept interrupting the meeting with outbursts of loud laughter while apparently watching the same testimony on his phone.

9)  Donald Trump found it impossible to tweet because twitter is blocked within 10 mile radius from Kim Jong Un, and couldn’t handle the withdrawal for more than 24 hours.

10)  Donald Trump refused to sign the denuclearization agreement with North Korea once he found out that the document doesn’t provide any funding for his southern border wall.

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10 New Slogans For The Democratic Party

Maybe changing the logo to something other than an ass would help too.
Image source: Amazon

As some of you – at least those with a TV or an internet connection – know, the United States will have a midterm election on November 6. Although the Democratic party is hoping to win the majority in both House of Representatives and the Senate, it doesn’t seem to be trying really hard, since Democrats don’t even have a party slogan which is anywhere near as recognizable as slogans “Make America Great Again”, “America First”, or “Lock Her Up” that helped the Republican party win the Presidency and the majority in both chambers of Congress in 2016. So here are 10 slogans that may help the Democratic party win in 2018.

1)  We Come Closer To Beating Republicans Than Any Other Party!

2)  Donald Trump-Free Since 2006!

3)  The Lefter Of Two Evils!

4)  At Least We Don’t Complain How Terrible The Government Is At The Same Time As We Run It.

5)  Free Transgender Bathrooms For Everyone!

6)  Not Currently Owned By The Russians!

7)  The Poor Man’s Republican Party!

8)  We Know The Nazis Are Bad!

9)  Delivering The Job Creation and Economic Growth Promised By The Republicans!

10)  Our president is smarter than your president!

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10 Reactions To Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court Nomination Hearings

In a tense moment, Brett Kavanaugh pretends to be asleep when asked a particularly uncomfortable question during his hearing.
Image source: Washington Post

This Thursday, the entire nation turned its attention to the Senate confirmation hearings of Brett Kavanaugh, a judge nominated by president Donald Trump to fill the US Supreme Court vacancy. Thursday hearings have been especially dramatic, because of a very emotional testimony by psychology professor Christina Blasey Ford, who has accused Kavanaugh of trying to rape her at a house party 36 years ago, when she was 15 and he was 17. Ford’s testimony was followed by an even more emotional Kavanaugh’s testimony denying all accusations. Many Democrats insist that we must believe Ford because we must believe all women, while many Republicans insist we must believe Kavanaugh, because we must believe all Republicans. Here are 10 more reactions to the Kavanaugh hearings.

1)  Brett Kavanaugh, Supreme Court nominee: “My good name has been attacked, but your slander will never stop me, your accusation will not stop me. I will never quit! I will sit on that Supreme Court bench, even if I have smash a window to get into the court building!”

2)  Christina Blasey Ford: “The last two weeks have been the worst two weeks of my life. In these two weeks, my name has been dragged through the mud, I’ve received death threats, I’ve been slut-shamed, my family has been attacked by the media… My only regret is that I hadn’t reported the assault right away, so that my family could have been enduring all that abuse for the last 36 years instead.”

3)  Cory Booker, Democratic Senator: “We need to know the truth: if Brett Kavanaugh it just as honest, ethical, and opposed to sexual assaults as he says he is, he should not be confirmed because he would make the rest of Trump administration look really bad.”

4)  Vice President Mike Pence: “People mock me for refusing to meet with women one-on-one. But this disgrace of a hearing is the reason why I do what I do, because I do not want to become a target of vile accusation like Judge Kavanaugh. God knows, I would never sexually assault a woman, unless it’s in the presence of my wife.”

5)  Jeff Flake, Republican Senator: “This whole situation makes me sick. I voted to confirm Judge Kavanaugh in the Judicial Committee, but only on the condition that the FBI conducts an investigation into the accusations. The FBI investigation has to be very brief, and its scope should be limited to only finding evidence exonerating Judge Kavanaugh.”

6)  Ashley Kavanaugh, Brett Kavanaugh’s wife: “All these people are making all these claims that Brett has been assaulting women all his life, in high school, in middle school, practically ever since he had been born. All this is an absolute lie! In fact, Brett says he had not even been born until many years after high school, and I believe him!”

7)  Average Republican Kavanaugh supporter: “Come on, this was a long time ago, he was just a boy, you know, boys will be boys, hmm? Give him a mulligan just this once. I mean, it wasn’t like he tried to rape my 15-year-old daughter! Cause, you know, if she ever told me that some 17-year-old hoodlum tried to pull something like that, I’d get my nearest AR-15 and blast his damn head off.”

8)  Mitch McConnell, Republican Senate Majority Leader: “Excellent testimony by Brett Kavanaugh. He has destroyed Ford’s testimony by presenting all these easily verifiable facts that we must never allow to be verified.”

9)  Donald Trump: “I think this woman was a very credible witness. Very, very nice testimony. Very believable. Must confirm Kavanaugh right away! She proved Brett had been very tough on women and has what it takes to be a tremendous judge who will conduct Republican policies in a very non-partisan manner!! CONFIRM NOW!!!  Also, NO COLLUSION!!!”

10)  Merrick Garland, Barack Obama’s last Supreme Court nominee: “Well, at least he’s getting a hearing…”

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10 Messages From FEMA’s Presidential Alert System

Thanks to the new presidential alert system, we will now receive warnings about natural disasters from a man-made disaster.
Image source: androidcentral

This week, Federal Emergency Management Agency is going to do a test of the presidential alert system. This system will allow the US President to send emergency messages to nearly every American with a cell phone – in other words, for Trump it would probably be like a version of Twitter but with people not given the option to opt out or talk back with mean things. Here are 10 possible emergency messages we might receive from FEMA’s presidential alert system in the future.

1) “Many people are saying there’s a hurricane approaching your state, but sleep safe, we are ready for the hurricane. It won’t be a total disaster like Puerto Rico or some other third world country. Also, please make sure not to die in large numbers since it makes me look bad.”

2) “Please stay off the roads as millions of people are being evacuated, huge, tremendous crowds of people, almost as big as the crowds at my inauguration. Not as big, because my inauguration had the biggest, most unbelievable crowd of all time!”

3) “Please make sure that you have all necessities packed in an emergency preparedness bag – water, paper towels, hairspray, an a copy of The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump!”

4) “My thoughts and prayers are with the victims of this devastating hurricane, unless they voted for Crooked Hillary Clinton.”

5) “Due to a yuge Category 5 hurricane, the presidential rally will be cancelled, because evil and lying Democrats have invented the global warming to create more hurricanes to cancel my rallies! Sad! Vote them all out!”

6) “This is an emergency. Due to tremendous problems with Obama economy, which is, by the way, in the best shape ever thanks to ME, we need to give an emergency tax cut to the top 1% of earners so that they could create more jobs. Please bring your money, as much as you can spare, borrow if you have to, to the 1% emergency assistance centers being set up around the country at your nearest Trump hotel.”

7) “A heat wave is predicted for this part of the country. It will be very hot, hotter than ever, almost 100 degrees which is the maximum temperature, it will be hot like Melania, although not as hot as Ivanka.”

8) “We may have accidentally started a nuclear war with North Korea, which is totally not my fault. If you’re in Hawaii or California, look outside, it’s going to be tremendous! You don’t want to miss this. Best nuclear war in all of history. An A+ war with A+ bombs!”

9) “TOTAL WITCH HUNT! NO COLLUSION! WHAT DO YOU mean this isn’t Twitter? What’s the difference?”

10) “covfefe”

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10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Cancelled Pay Raises For Federal Employees

“The economy’s doing so well, look how much money I made in the past year!”
Image source: Daily Express

This week, president Donald Trump has announced that he will cancel a planned pay increase for all civilian federal employees. Here are 10 reasons why this was a tremendously smart decision.

1)  There’s really no point of giving raises to the people in Trump’s government, because, chances are, way too many of them are just going to quit or go to prison.

2)  He’s hired so many millionaires and billionaires to run his government, he doesn’t think people in the government need any more money.

3)  Trump doesn’t want his taxes to be wasted on the government bureaucrats, in case he ever decides to pay taxes.

4)  He expects other government workers to show the initiative and business acumen and turn their government jobs into side income and free perks, just like he and his cabinet members do.

5)  He wanted to punish government workers for constantly leaking mean things about him, but Ivanka convinced him that putting their children in cages is only acceptable for Mexicans.

6)  Trump only promised to hire the best people, not to pay them the best salaries.

7)  Government bureaucrats are already overpaid, because most of them are clearly incompetent, useless, and corrupt. Just look at Trump’s cabinet!

8)  Money doesn’t grow on trees, and those Mar-a-Lago trips and golf games are expensive, and the First Lady may soon need to be replaced with a newer and better model.

9)  Every dollar saved on federal spending is a dollar that can be given to billionaires as a tax cut, so that it will then trickle down from billionaires to multimillionaires.

10)  There just isn’t enough money for a raise, because Russian economy is in trouble.

P.S. According to more recent news, Donald Trump promised to study the pay freeze. By the end of the weekend, he is expected to either deny ever talking about any pay raises, or give himself an A+ after successfully completing his studying, or both.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments