10 Options Other Than Voting For Donald Trump Or Hillary Clinton

Posted on September 30, 2016 by
Sample 2016 election ballot with a sample vote.

Sample 2016 election ballot with a sample vote.

Many Americans complain that in this election, the only options available to them is either Clinton or Trump (or, as most voters put it, “voting against Trump” and “voting against Clinton”, respectively). However, you do have other options: in fact, over a thousand people have filed official paperwork as candidates in the 2016 presidential election. Here are 10 of these alternatives. (All the candidates listed below are actual candidates running for president in 2016, and some will even appear on the election ballots.)

1)  Gary Johnson, Libertarian party: Running on a well-thought-out and appealing platform of being neither Clinton nor Trump.

2)  Jill Stein, Green Party: Fighting for the rights of the Whole Foods shoppers everywhere.

3)  Kevin Deame, Pirate Party: Vote for strong navy, return to the gold standard, no taxes, and no government regulations! Or just vote for the Republicans, their program is pretty much the same.

4)  Mike Fahl, Cherry Picker Party: You can vote for any part of their agenda you like.

5)  Caesar St. Augustine DeBuonaparte, Absolute Dictator: In case you actually do want an absolute dictator running the country, just want someone other than Donald Trump.

6)  Bradford Lyttle, US Pacifist Party: They guarantee there would be no more wars, but on the other hand, you can be sure that the Pacifist Party wouldn’t be fighting for the middle class, lower taxes, or environment either.

7)  Darrell Trigg, Christian Party: Jesus was supposed to be on the ticket, but there seems to be some problem with his birth certificate.

8)  Rod Silva, Nutrition Party: You will get chicken in every pot, burger in every bun, and tofu in every vegetarian! Proteins of the world, unite!

9)  Dan Vacek, Legal Marijuana Now Party: Legalize marijuana now, and vote for some Nutrition later, man!

10)  Todd Clayton Jr., Chivalry Party: They will graciously let Hillary Clinton or Jill Stein have all of their votes.

Finally, if you’re still not happy even with the expanded list of candidates, you could move to Florida and vote for any candidate – as 2000 election showed, Florida’s voting machines will assign your vote to a randomly picked candidate, and therefore will absolve you of any responsibility in electing Clinton or Trump. Or you can just move to Canada and not vote in the election at all: since either Clinton or Trump are guaranteed to win and therefore trigger a flood of Americans leaving the country, it’s better to move now, before all the best places are taken.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

10 Highlights Of Donald Trump’s Medical Records

Posted on September 15, 2016 by
My blood pressure is fantastic! Biggest blood pressure ever! It's through the roof! Bigger than anyone else's!"

“My blood pressure is fantastic! Biggest blood pressure ever! It’s through the roof! Bigger than anyone else’s!”

This weekend, Hillary Clinton collapsed while getting into a car, prompting speculation about which life-threatening illness that makes her unfit to be president is affecting her. Her campaign made a statement that Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, prompting speculation about which life-threatening illness that makes her unfit to be president she is covering up with this feeble “pneumonia” excuse. And because her rival Donald Trump is the most transparent presidential candidate from the Republican party in the 2016 general election, he offered to release his medical records to prove that, unlike Clinton, he is tremendously healthy. Here are 10 highlights of Donald Trump’s medical record.

1)  White Cell count: Almost 95% of Mr. Trump blood cells were white. However, Mr. Trump insisted that he loves all cells, black cells, Mexican cells, it’s just white cells are better, because they work harder, and they are the ones attacking any foreign elements coming from outside.

2)  Heart conditions: No heart conditions have been found, due to the fact that none of our doctors have been able to ascertain that Mr. Trump actually has a heart.

3)  Allergic reactions detected to: Mexicans, Muslims, Democrats, average- and below average-looking women, journalists, immigrants, protesters, veterans, fact checks, etc.

4)  Dermatology report: No issues, other than abnormally thin skin.

5)  Medications prescribed: Hairspray, one 5-gallon bottle every 12 hours.

6)  Treatment history: Mr. Trump reported that he has been treated very unfairly by the media.

7)  Stress test: Mr. Trump passed the stress test extremely well. Not only he had no problems handling stress, he gave plenty of stress to all medical personnel administering the test.

8)  Growth chart: Mr. Trump insisted that his growth was from barely 40 million dollars in 1978 to OVER TEN BILLION in 2016. When informed that his wealth wasn’t what our staff was supposed to measure, Mr. Trump refused to be measured and made an emphatic verbal guarantee that there’s absolutely no problem there.

9)  Psychological profile: Mr. Trump is obsessed with anger at certain 68-year-old woman, which may indicate some unresolved issues with his mother.

10)  Family history: There is a documented history of extreme wealth being genetically inherited by Mr. Trump from his parents, with high probability of the same condition being transferred to Mr. Trump’s children as well. However, although this condition is rare and not contagious for 99.9% of Americans, it is actually quite common among the American presidential candidates.

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 44 Comments

10 Ways How Donald Trump Is Softening His Position On Immigration

Posted on September 8, 2016 by
In response to Trump's usual demand to pay for the wall, President Nieto suggested Trump should talk to his hand. Image source: CNN

In response to Trump’s usual demand to pay for the wall, President Nieto suggested Trump should talk to his hand.
Image source: CNN

Donald Trump has made immigration the centerpiece of his election campaign by promising to deport all of 11 million of illegal immigrants, build a border wall, and to ban all visitors from Muslim countries until he figures out what’s going on. (Despite Donald Trump’s superior intellect, he apparently hasn’t yet figured that out). Although it worked in the Republican primary, his hard-line position on immigration is not as popular with the general election voters. So Donald Trump has been trying to moderate his position on immigration to appeal to independents – he even met with Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto, or as Donald Trump refers to him, “the ruler of future illegals”. Here are 10 ways how Donald Trump is softening his stance on illegal immigrants.

1)  Donald Trump will not longer insist that Mexico writes a check to pay for building the wall on the border. Instead, Donald Trump will make a tremendous deal with Mexico to let them to make monthly payments.

2)  If Mexico is still unable to pay for the wall, Donald Trump knows another way to still build the wall for free –  just hire a contractor to build the wall and not pay them for their work after they’re done.

3)  Certain illegal aliens, assuming they’re hot, young, and female, will have a path to citizenship by marrying Donald Trump through a new DT-4 visa. This visa program will be available up to a 1,000 of hot young female illegal immigrants per year.

4)  Donald Trump is willing to expand the guest worker program. The new guest worker visa would work the same way as DT-4 visa, except that hot young female guest workers would be sent back when their visa expires, or when the current DT-4 visa holder finds out about them.

5)  To avoid unfairly singling out illegal immigrants, Donald Trump also will deport the same number of legal immigrants and native-born Americans who had voted for Ted Cruz or Hillary Clinton.

6)  Donald Trump would be willing to accept up to 25,000 Syrian refugees, or however many could fit into the Guantanamo Bay facility.

7)  Since deporting 11 million illegal immigrants is expected to cost tens of billions of dollars, Donald Trump will hire illegal immigrant labor to deport illegal immigrants to cut costs.

8)  He will not arrest 2 million illegal immigrants within the first hour of his presidency as he had originally promised. Those 2 million illegal immigrants will be given a 10 minute head start.

9)  Donald Trump believes it would be inhumane to separate immigrant families where the children have legal status but the parents don’t, and will be happy to deport the whole family.

10)  Visa program for immigrants with special talents will end, because there is no possible way there could be anyone more talented than Donald Trump.

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

10 Fun Facts About America Beer

Posted on May 12, 2016 by

beer-america2This week, beverage maker Anheuser-Busch announced that Budweiser beer cans and bottles will be temporarily redesigned to replace “Budweiser” brand name with “America”. Here are 10 fun facts about this new America beer.

1)  America beer will be made from bald eagles and apple pies, and filtered through 1000-thread count cotton American flags to attain its rich 1% flavor.

2)  The beer will carry the name “America” up until the presidential election – which is the worst possible time to change the brand, because half the country would want a drink to celebrate, and the other half would want a drink to not have to deal with the election results while sober.

3)  Islamic traditions prohibits America in every Middle Eastern country.

4)  You don’t get drunk from America beer, but you can get too patriotic to drive. You may also experience some strange American dreams, but don’t worry, they’re not real.

5)  Most people think America is the best beer in the world until they actually try some of the European ones.

6)  The cans come with the slogan “Yes we can”.

7)  Whenever America beer doesn’t agree with your system, the whole world suffers from the hangover.

8)  Drinking America beer makes you more likely to operate heavy machinery like tanks, jet fighters, and aircraft carriers.

9)  Certain people feel that only light beer can count as true America beer, and all kinds of dark beer are inherently inferior.

10)  With just a bottle of America beer, you will now be able to see America literally going down the drain.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 45 Comments

10 Reasons Why “Islamist Terrorism” Disappeared From French President’s Speech At White House

Posted on April 4, 2016 by
"So, Francois, I know we were talking about terrorism and this is off-topic, but check out how big my hands are compared to Trump's!" Image source: USAToday

“So, Francois, I know we’re talking terrorism and this is a little off-topic, but check out how big my hands are compared to Donald Trump’s!”
Image source: USAToday

While everyone is so busy watching Donald Trump’s antics, you might have missed a new White House scandal that’s brewing! During a meeting with Barack Obama at the White House, French president Francois Hollande used the words “Islamist terrorism”, which mysteriously disappeared from the video and audio recordings of the speech posted by the White House, although the words appeared in the posted text transcript and the corrected video posted by the White House hours later. Both Hollande and Obama claim that this was due to a technical issue, while the conservatives are outraged because this obviously has to be another example of political correctness run amok. But you know you can count on me to dig deeper and provide 10 real reasons why the words “Islamist terrorism” disappeared from Hollande’s speech, so here they are:

1)  Obama’s family dog Bo ate the correct video file.

2)  FBI hack of the San Bernardino shooter’s iPhone caused a system-wide malfunction across many i-products, including iSlamist Terrorism.

3)  It was a deliberate decision by the top White House staff to remove the words from the French President’s speech because America cares about our relationship with Islamic-majority allies much more than we care about our French allies. (No offence, France, but how much oil do YOU have?)

4)  It was a deliberate decision made by low-level staffers: the Obama administration is so laid-back and relaxed that White House’s audio engineers are allowed to set their own foreign policy.

5)  According to credible CIA and NSA sources, saying “Islamic terrorism” out loud may conjure the spirit of Osama bin Laden.

6)  The White House audio engineers are paid by the word, and the government just could not justify paying taxpayers dollars for “Islamist Terrorism”.

7)  Hollande was talking way too fast for the White House interpreter to type every word into Google Translate.

8)  Because Republicans argue that the White House should leave the job of nominating the next Supreme Court justice to the next president, it’s only logical that the White House decided to leave talking about Islamist terrorism to the next president as well.

9)  It really was a technical issue: technically, Hollande said it, and Obama had an issue with that.

10)  After months of media focusing solely on Donald Trump, the White house staff felt undeservedly left out and ignored.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 101 Comments

10 Reasons Why Obama Should Not Nominate New Supreme Court Justice

Posted on March 30, 2016 by
In his impassioned speech in defense of his nominee, Barack Obama pointed out Garland's major strength as a potential Justice: "Look how old this guy is! He'll probably die in a couple of years anyway, and you'll be free to replace him with anyone you like!"

In his impassioned speech in defense of his nominee, Barack Obama pointed out Garland’s major strength as a potential Justice: “Look how old this guy is! He’ll probably die in a couple of years anyway, and you’ll be free to replace him with anyone you like!”

As you already know, Antonin Scalia, one of the United States Supreme Court’s nine justices, had died several weeks ago, and Barack Obama had nominated Appeals Court judge Merrick Garland to replace him. Republican politicians have voiced their opposition to the very idea of Obama nominating anyone, and still refuse to hold any hearings on this Merrick Garland character, if that’s even a real name. But contrary to the popular belief, it’s really not about partisanship and obstruction. You see, Obama should not be nominating anybody because there just isn’t a single person whom Republicans could find qualified to serve on the Supreme Court. Even if we could pick candidates among historical figures and fictional characters, no one would meet their high standards. Here are just 10 examples.

1) Abraham Lincoln: By freeing the slaves, he displayed his contempt for sacred property rights of small and large business owners.

2) Pope Francis: No only he’s a socialist, but as Pope he is also infallible. Can you imagine how much of his socialist agenda he would be able to force on our country by a series of 1-8 decisions?

3) The Superman: He has severely damaged his reputation by leading a double life in lamestream media. Besides, he would have to recuse himself from any Supreme Court cases involving Kryptonite.

4) A genetically reproduced clone of Antonin Scalia: A clone of Scalia created by science would be an insult to the legacy of Justice Scalia, who spent much of his judicial career fighting science.

5) Mother Teresa: While she was undoubtedly a devoted Christian, her obsession with healing poor people makes it clear that she would be a supporter of Obamacare.

6) Ayn Rand: While it may be tempting to have this legendary conservative writer on the court, she would slow the court’s activity down to a crawl with her 1,000+ pages long decisions.

7) The Terminator: On the surface, he would seem like a good fit with his strong pro-gun and pro-death penalty stances, and he did a great job as the governor of California, but having come from the future, he might turn out to be a progressive.

8) Any one of the Founding Fathers: The job of the Supreme Court is to figure out what the Founding Fathers wanted and make rulings based on that, but having a Founding Father on the court makes it only more complicated: what if he wants a coffee? or visit a bathroom?

9) Jesus Christ: Remember, this is the guy who kicked businessmen out of the temple and was heard badmouthing rich people. And even if he died, he’d probably just rise back to the court in three days, immensely complicating the nomination process.

10) Ronald Reagan: Well… He might actually be perfect, but if Obama were to support him, the Republicans would be legally obligated to oppose him.

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

10 Unbelievably Great Features Of Donald Trump’s Terrific Health Care Reform Plan

Posted on March 4, 2016 by
"My healthcare reform will be so great it will make your head spin, and then it will heal your head right away because my plan is just so great!"

“My health care reform will be so great it will make your head spin, and then it will heal your head right away because my plan is just so unbelievably great!”

This week, the leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump finally revealed his plan for health care reform, and it is fantastic. It would repeal Obamacare right away, and will replace it with health care that would be so great, it’s unbelievable just how great it would be. Here are just 10 of the great things Donald Trump’s health care reform would accomplish.

1)  Foreign viruses, like Ebola, Zika, West Nile, Dengue, socialism – we’ll round them all up and send them back where they came from! And then we’ll build a big and beautiful mosquito net all around the country so that they can’t ever come back!

2)  Donald Trump built so many unbelievable casinos that he knows how to manage risk better than anyone! And under Donald Trump’s health care plan, you would bet like a hundred dollars, and if you win, your procedure will be instantly covered! Because here in America, we only want the winners!

3)  Americans will not have to worry about having to choose between sickness or bankruptcy. You won’t have to worry about bankruptcies anyway, because they’re terrific! Donald Trump has had at least four bankruptcies, and he’s now richer and healthier than anyone!

4)  Donald Trump wants to make America strong, and he’ll give you more steroids than you could carry!

5)  With Donald Trump’s health care plan, no one will ever die in the streets! If anyone’s dying in the street, we’ll come and move them to the sidewalk!

6)  There’ll be Viagra for everyone! For everyone except Donald Trump, naturally, because Donald Trump is extremely virile and doesn’t ever need Viagra! He’ll only take Viagra because he wouldn’t want all the other pathetic losers feel bad. But definitely NOT because Donald Trump needs Viagra!

7)  Donald Trump’s health care plan will even cover hair transplants and penis enlargements. It’ll be yuuuuge!

8)  But Donald Trump’s health care would be terrific for women, too! Any medical procedure women might need would be covered – breast implants, botox, liposuction, plastic surgery, you name it – all covered!

9)  Another fantastic thing is, you could buy insurance across state lines! In fact, you will be able to do anything health-related across state lines. You could go see a doctor across state lines, buy a bottle of Tylenol across state lines, and if you have to drive to get an abortion, that’ll definitely be across a few state lines!

10)  Pre-existing conditions won’t be covered, because if you got them while Obama was president, they’re Obama’s fault anyway.

And because Donald Trump’s health care plan is so terrific, here’s the best part: when in about 40 years Donald Trump’s health care plan will get old and ugly, Donald Trump will repeal it and replace it with an even younger and more tremendous health care plan!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 73 Comments