10 Arrangements In Tremendously Great Deal Donald Trump Made With Carrier To Save Tons Of Jobs

During his tour of a Carrier factory, Donald Trump personally tested a Carrier air conditioner.

During his tour of a Carrier factory, Donald Trump personally tested a Carrier air conditioner.

Last week, Donald Trump has announced that thanks to his amazing deal-making skills he had persuaded Carrier Corporation to change its decision to outsource a thousand jobs from its Indiana plants to Mexico, and keep these jobs in the United States instead. A few days later, Carrier announced that they will be getting $7 million worth of tax breaks from Indiana as the part of the deal and will still outsource (or as they call it, “export”) 1,300 jobs from Indiana to Mexico. Although many people don’t see how all this makes an amazing deal for America, this was obviously a very complicated deal with a lot of moving parts and many stakeholders, and only someone with the yuuge brainpower of Donald Trump could have arranged something as tremendous as this amazing deal. Just so that the rest of us could appreciate the pure deal-making genius that was required, here are 10 lesser-known arrangements that have been included in this amazing deal.

1)  Carrier Corporation will become official supplier of cooling and heating systems to the White House. Therefore, whenever sh!t would hit the fan for the Trump administration, it would be a Carrier fan.

2)  Mexico: After getting 1300 jobs, Mexico made it clear to the Trump administration that if Donald Trump continues to fight the outsourcing of American jobs to Mexico as successfully as in this deal, they might just be willing to pay for that border wall as a sign of gratitude.

3)  All Americans will receive free 950 additional hours of TV coverage of Donald Trump bragging about how amazing he is at everything.

4)  The cast of hit Broadway musical Hamilton: Although recently Donald Trump has placed the Hamilton actors at the top of his enemies list for mortally insulting Vice President-elect Mike Pence by daring to address him from the stage, as a part of the deal Donald Trump will agree to forget his feud with the musical. This arrangement was inserted at the insistence of Donald Trump’s three minute attention span.

5)  State of Indiana: Since outgoing governor Mike Pence and other top Republican leaders of Indiana are big proponents of the idea of a smaller government, they will be $7 milion closer to their dream.

6)  Indiana taxpayers: Although they will have to subsidize Carrier with $7 million in tax breaks, getting rid of Mike Pence has to be worth much more than that.

7)  U.S. Chamber of Commerce: Since Carrier still ends up “exporting” 1300 jobs, they get to claim that Donald Trump is already increasing American exports.

8)  Trump voters: They get a sense of vindication and satisfaction for their vote, because Donald Trump is already making good on his promise to end business as usual. While “business as usual” meant that companies used to simply outsource jobs, now they will be getting millions of dollars to outsource jobs.

9)  1,300 Carrier workers whose jobs were “exported”: Thanks to Donald Trump’s supreme negotiation skills, he immediately negotiated away the idea of executing these people and convinced Carrier to merely let them go to fend for themselves.

10)  United Technologies, a parent organization of Carrier and a major US defense contractor: Received assurances from Donald Trump that he will do everything in his power to steer more military contracts towards United Technologies, up to and including starting a World War III.

 

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10 Reactions To Fidel Castro’s Death

Fidel Castro the most famous communist dictator of Latin America, or, as some Americans called him, "the Mexican Obama"

Fidel Castro, the most famous Communist dictator of Latin America, or, as some Americans called him, “the Mexican Obama”

Fidel Castro, who led Cuba for almost five decades, had died at the age 90 last Friday. The reaction to his death ranged from eulogies praising him as a legendary revolutionary to mass celebrations in Miami. Here are 10 more reactions to Fidel Castro’s death.

1)  Marco Rubio: “Fidel Castro, a ruthless dictator who survived 600 assassination attempts, did not survive the fifty six years of American trade embargo. This clearly proves that our embargo works as intended, and we should not end it. Instead, we can keep the embargo going for another fifty-six years to make sure Raul Castro dies, too.”

2)  Jill Stein, presidential candidate, Green Party: “First of all, I want to thank my supporters for donating over six million dollars to perform an independent recount of the votes in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania to make sure the votes were counted correctly. And second, I am asking you to donate another six million dollars to perform an independent autopsy to make sure that Fidel Castro is really dead.”

3)  Donald Trump: “He was a brutal dictator, he had full control of the media, he ruled with an iron fist, and he had isolated his country from the rest of the world. He was a great inspiration, I gotta say. But I could do so much better than that, and once I’m president, I’ll make him look such a loser!”

4)  Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s spokesperson: “No, Trump absolutely did not call Fidel Castro a great inspiration. You’re just taking his words out of context. President-elect Trump said he’ll do so much better than Fidel Castro… Yes, we will be taking away Mr. Trump’s Twitter access.”

5)  Bernie Sanders, Democratic Senator: “Fidel Castro deserves the credit for creating a universal health care system in Cuba which is the best healthcare system in the world: while American life expectancy is under 79 years, a Cuban can survive 600 assassination attempts and a lifetime of smoking and still live to 90.”

6)  Jonathan Gruber, architect of Obamacare: “Although Cuba did set up universal health care unlike the United State, it’s much easier to offer universal coverage after a significant portion of the population was either executed or fled the country.”

7)  Danny Ellison, Trump supporter: “I’m so excited about to Donald Trump presidency – look, he isn’t even officially president yet, but Dow Jones index hit a record high and Fidel Castro is dead. That’s way more than Obama did in eight years!”

8)  Hillary Clinton: “Fidel Castro was a dictator, but we should at least recognize that in every election since 1959, Fidel Castro overwhelmingly won the popular vote and yet didn’t somehow lose the election thanks to some outdated anti-democratic institution like Electoral College.”

9)  Ted Cruz, Republican Senator: “I don’t understand why would anyone mourn Fidel Castro. You have to remember, he tortured people in Cuba, and it’s just not something we do here in America. Thankfully, our Guantanamo base is still open, and America can still torture people in Cuba.”

10)  Barack Obama: “At this time of Fidel Castro’s passing, we extend our hand of friendship to the Cuban people, so that we could turn them around and gently send them back to Cuba. Because now that Fidel Castro is dead, and Donald Trump is set to become the next American president in less than two months, perhaps Cubans should reconsider whether escaping to America is still such a great idea.”

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10 People Donald Trump Is Considering For His Cabinet

"I got all the best people - me, Donald Trump, myself, my hairpiece, also me, Don, Melania's husband, Ivanka's father, really amazing, tremendous people! I'll also hire some losers for other jobs." Image source: National Review

“I got all the best people – me, Donald Trump, myself, my hairpiece, also me, Don, Melania’s husband, Donald, Ivanka’s father, that guy who just won the election – all really amazing, tremendous people! I’ll also hire some losers for the other jobs.”
Image source: National Review

Last Tuesday, America elected Donald Trump as our new president, and he has been diligently working to assemble the list of people he wants to nominate for various positions in his cabinet. And since Donald Trump isn’t a regular politician, the people he wants to put in charge of the government won’t be regular politicians either. Here are 10 federal jobs and 10 people Donald Trump is considering for these jobs.

1)  Transportation Security Administration: Billy Bush, the co-star of the Trump’s infamous “Grab-em-by-the-p***y” leaked video. In this video, Mr. Bush proved that he would be well-suited for enabling the TSA agents to grab people without their consent.

2)  Department of the Interior: Sarah Palin. Not only she prefers to stay in the interior of the country and avoids the liberal coasts of the US, she also took a college course in interior design.

3)  Food and Drug Administration: Bill Cosby. A nationally recognized expert in administering drugs with food and drinks. Nomination is pending the Senate approval and the outcome of 7,589 upcoming rape trials.

4)  Environmental Protection Agency: Princess Elsa from Frozen. She can stop the global warming without any job-killing regulations.  And yes, she is fictional, but according to Donald Trump, so is global warming.

5)  Women’s Bureau: Any randomly picked male. The government needs more diversity, and since there are way too many women in this bureau, assigning a male director would improve the gender disparity in the government.

6)  Department of Deportation (formerly Immigration and Naturalization Service): To catch and deport illegal immigrants successfully, the head of the department must think like illegal immigrant, act like illegal immigrant, be the illegal immigrant. Which is why this department will be headed by a former illegal immigrant, the First Lady Melania Trump.

7)  Department of Defense: John Gotti, mafia boss: Our allies haven’t been paying for our protection, and we’ll need someone to make them pay our due. Because it would be a shame if something bad happened to their nice countries.

8)  Press Secretary: A trained parrot named Hanny that can speak four phrases: “Believe me, it’s a disaster”, “Our goal is to make America great again!”, “We have people, best people, and they are looking into this, big league!”, and “I’ll take the next question from the Fox News”.

9)  Office for Civil Rights: David Duke, former Ku-Klux-Klan leader. He has proved to be the most knowledgeable about civil rights and is able to identify at least 88 times as many civil rights granted to the minorities than what an average American could ever name. He should be able to cut through the glut of federal civil rights regulations and cut down the excessive civil rights to a more manageable few.

10)  Fish and Wildlife Service: Phil Robertson, star of the Duck Dynasty reality show. He knows tons of ways to preserve fish and wildlife: smoking, salting, freezing, pressure canning, dehydration, and so on.

Since there are at least 10,000 various other federal departments, agencies, bureaus, and offices, please feel free to suggest your nominations.

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10 Personal Thoughts About The Results Of The 2016 Election

After a brief conversation with Barack Obama, Donald Trump is coming to a terrible realization that this president job isn't going nearly as fun as he'd hoped. Image source: CNN

After a brief conversation with Barack Obama, Donald Trump is coming to a gut-wrenching realization that this president job isn’t going nearly as fun as he’d hoped.
Image source: CNN

Unless you have been hiding under a rock somewhere, you must have heard that Donald Trump had unexpectedly defeated Hillary Clinton in the November 2016 presidential election (unless you’ve been hiding under a rock precisely because you have heard).  After the first shock has dissipated, I’ve collected my thoughts about the election – and then numbered them, as I usually do.

1)  Dear Clinton supporters: Stop calling America stupid. First, just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t make them stupid. Second, not only Donald Trump did not win the majority of votes, he lost the popular vote to Hillary Clinton, so if you want to call anyone stupid, that credit should go to the Founding Fathers who invented that abomination called “the Electoral College”. And third, if you had been telling Sanders supporters that Hillary is sure to win by a landslide so they should just get with her, what does that make you?
(This was a trick question, the correct answer is “Wrong”. See point #1.)

2)  Dear Canada: Hire more immigration agents. Like, a lot. Like, right now. I have a hunch you’re going to need them. Maybe think about building a wall. We have a guy who says he can do it.

3)  Dear Trump supporters: Congratulations are in order. But now it’s your turn to be disappointed when the president doesn’t deliver on his promises. Let’s just say that the wall on the border is probably not going to get built until after pigs learn to fly or after Donald Trump releases his tax returns, whichever comes earlier.

4)  Dear mainstream media: You’ve done such an excellent job of convincing the voters that Hillary Clinton is guaranteed to win that I’m surprised that anyone even bothered to show up to cast a vote for her.

5)  Dear people who chose not to vote, or voted for a third party because you didn’t want to pick the lesser of two evils: I respect your position, I do, and I hope you’ll enjoy the evil we picked out for you.

6)  Dear Republican party: You now have the presidency, the House, and the Senate majority. However, after a 7 year advanced master class in Senate filibusters, I guess that Democrats at the very least owe you the same courtesy. So now you’ll get to complain that you have the mandate, and it’s unfair that a minority can block a majority, and so on, while the Democrats get the fun job of prattling about “checks and balances” while accomplishing nothing useful.

7)  Dear Donald Trump: Congratulations! You have proved that the media and establishment support, money, ground game, and all that stuff thought to be necessary to win a major campaign is really not. I hope you’ll be a better president we were expecting you to be, and, in a bit advice, don’t ever, ever, ever use email. As it turns out, we as a nation are willing to overlook fraud, tax evasion, and sexual assault, but not ever using the wrong email account.

8)  Dear Hillary Clinton: ….well….. at least, the good news is, no one is going to care anymore about your emails or what exactly the Clinton Foundation does. Also, I think there might be some other members of your family who haven’t ran for president yet, maybe they could try next time.

9)  Dear President Obama: Thank you, you’ve done a pretty decent job as the president. But don’t think that your service will be over on January 20, 2017 – you are still going to be the one to get blamed for anything that goes wrong at least until 2021.

10)  Dear America: This was interesting. Let’s do this again in four years? Only with all different candidates, okay?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 43 Comments

10 Reasons Why America Is Not Ready For A Female President

A fun fact: 80% of the people who believe that America is not ready to have a female president had voted for Sarah Palin as a Vice President to a 75 year old man. Image source: merger.com

A fun fact: 80% of the people who believe that America is not ready to have a female president had voted for Sarah Palin as a Vice President to a 75 year old man.
Image source: merger.com

The election is just a day away, and Hillary Clinton is still ahead in the polls, despite the combined efforts of the Republican party, the FBI, Wikileaks and Russian hackers. However, she is only up by a couple of percentage points, and in a recent speech President Obama had suggested that Clinton is losing some support because many voters are sexist and refuse to vote for a woman. However, these voters aren’t sexist, they merely recognize the reality that America is simply not ready for a female president. Here are 10 reasons why:

1)  If a woman becomes the American president, the title of the most powerful man in the world will by default go to Russia’s Vladimir Putin.

2)  Since a woman’s last name is usually different than the last name in her birth certificate, her birth certificate is probably fake.

3)  Even though Barack Obama has been president for almost eight years, about a third of the country is still not ready for a black president.

4)  Since an average woman makes only 78% of what an average man makes, a female president is 22% more likely to be bribed.

5)  If America elects a female president, our country will become just one of dozens of countries that have or have had a female head of state. If America wants to protect our American exceptionalism, we must keep electing male presidents.

6)  A switch from a black male president to a white female president would be too radical for the country to handle, and the transition should be gradual with a black female president serving at least one term between these two.

7)  Because women live longer than men, there’s a stronger incentive for a female president to overthrow democracy to become a dictator for life.

8)  A female president visiting a Muslim country would either make America look like a pushover by agreeing to wear a hijab, or would disrespect our allies by refusing to wear a hijab.

9)  Since a woman would be be less likely to start a new war, a lot of military industrial companies will close due to the lack of business, and millions of people would lose their jobs.

10)  A woman does not reflect American values, because all of America’s Founding Fathers were male.

 

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10 Reactions To New FBI Investigation Of Hillary Clinton’s Emails

"Note to self: fire James Comey.... Wait... Is this already on Wikileaks?" @DefinitelyNotARussianHacker: "Da." Image source: hacked from AP

“Note to self: fire James Comey…. Wait… Is this already on Wikileaks?”
@DefinitelyNotARussianHacker: “Da.”
Image source: hacked from AP

Last weekend, there was a new shocking development in the 2016 presidential election: James Comey, head of the FBI, informed Congress that FBI had seized a laptop belonging to serial sexter Anthony Weiner and his wife, top Clinton aide Huma Abedin, and found thousands of emails that may or may not be relevant to the FBI’s investigation of Hillary Clinton’s private email server. Of course, since there are only a few days before election, this revelation has caused a Samsung phone-like explosion, with Republicans once again demanding that Hillary Clinton is immediately imprisoned regardless of the outcome of the investigation, and Democrats blaming the FBI for conspiring with Russia and Wikileaks to help Donald Trump win the election. Here are 10 reactions to the Emailgate and the FBI investigation.

1)  Francois Hollande, President of France: “Ah, so the American Department of State had sent out official messages from the Anthony Weiner’s laptop. Finally, an explanation to why certain official State Department’s emails sometimes contained a close-up photo of a man’s penis.”

2)  Danny Ellison, Tump supporter: “Stupid libtards keep saying Trump is Hitler, Hitler this, Hitler that! Well, you can say what you want about Hitler, but at least Hitler didn’t use a private email server!!”

3)  Michael Kortan, FBI spokesperson: “According to the recently adopted FBI policy, whenever FBI obtains a laptop in connection to any crime committed by any American or foreigner, and discover any e-mails on it, the Bureau will immediately re-open the investigation of the Clinton e-mail server and will promptly inform the American public about it, ideally right before an election.”

4)  Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump campaign manager: “These new emails just confirm despicable duplicity and dishonesty by Hillary Clinton: while presenting a cold and calculating facade in public, she was actually trying to help people behind the scenes! Disgusting!”

5)  Vladimir Putin, President of Russia: American media accuses Russia of hacking Clinton emails and meddling in American election to help Donald Trump who is brilliant man and strong leader! This is absolutely false accusation! Russia has nothing to do with hacked emails posted on Wikileaks, and nothing to do with additional shocking emails that  someone will post there tomorrow!”

6)  Newt Gingrich, former US speaker/morality expert: “It’s disgusting to think that Hillary Clinton knew about Anthony Weiner molesting teenagers and did nothing! And of course Hillary had to know about this, because whenever Anthony Weiner is sexting anyone, he is always sexting everyone else who has a Twitter account!”

7)  Abacha Tunde, Prince of Nigeria: “Dear Mr. Hillary Clinton; I have continued diligentely expecting response on the urgent matter of your help in the helping acessing to $57,100,100 (fifty seven million one hundred thousand one-hundred U.S. dollar) on my deceased unlcle Prince Osagie Tunde assets account in exchange for your services generouslyy compensated at $15,200,000. I was fearing our request was being lost, but thankfully to the fastidious looking of Federal BI I now am hopeful you now shall locate the originatory query and respond positively.”

8)  Fox News: “A shocking new discovery in the new cache of Clinton emails reveals that Hillary Clinton was in talks to to accept a $15 million bribe to facilitate a $57 million transfer to Nigeria, clearly to finance the Nigerian terrorist organization Boko Haram!”

9)  Mitt Romney, former Republican presidential candidate: “Unfortunately, Donald Trump is such a weak candidate that he might lose this easily winnable election to Hillary Clinton. It’s too bad the Republican party isn’t running a strong candidate like they did in 2012, or maybe someone like Condoleezza Rice – just imagine, a former female Secretary of State who used a private email server and supported the war in Iraq versus a former female Secretary of State who used a private email server and supported the war in Iraq? That would have been a no-brainer!”

10)  Donald Trump, Republican presidential candidate: ……. (There was no reaction from Donald Trump, since someone finally explained to him that the less he talks, the better it is for his campaign.)

 

 

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10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Still Hasn’t Released His Tax Returns

Donald Trump is showing approximately how much federal tax he has paid since 1980. Image source: theodysseyonline.com

Donald Trump is showing approximately how much federal tax he has paid since 1980.
Image source: theodysseyonline.com

The last few weeks have been very eventful for Donald Trump: shaky debate performances, a leaked video of Donald Trump bragging about sexually assaulting women, followed by multiple accusations that Donald Trump had sexual assaulted women, Donald Trump’s suggestion that might not concede the result of the election if he loses. On the other hand, all these stories have successfully distracted everyone’s attention from the fact that Donald Trump still hasn’t released any of his tax returns, as all other major party candidates traditionally done for decades, and as Trump himself promised to do. Trump’s official position is that he can’t release his tax returns while they’re being audited by the IRS, even though the IRS said he can. So here are 10 real reasons why Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns.

1)  Making a promise and then actually delivering on that promise threatens to damage the reputation Donald Trump has been carefully cultivating these last few decades.

2)  He really wants to release his returns, but his tax accountant has has locked herself in her office to avoid being groped.

3)  The only online media Donald Trump uses is Twitter, and it would take him 20 years to tweet just one tax return 140 characters at a time.

4)  All the tax returns with the “Trump” name on them actually belong to someone else, Trump just licensed his name to be used on them.

5)  He is afraid that mainstream media would rig his tax returns so that he’ll owe money to Hillary Clinton.

6)  He is concerned that his financial genius reputation may suffer if Americans discover that he was unable to weasel out of paying federal taxes for a couple of years.

7)  IRS still hasn’t approved the use of Donald Trump’s marital filing status of “Married, but still get to have sex with any woman I want because I’m a yuuuge star”.

8)  He is only a billionaire if his wealth is measured in Russian rubles.

9) He doesn’t feel like he should be filing tax returns at all, because when he becomes president, he will abolish the IRS and will build a big and beautiful wall around it.

10)  He doesn’t want to attract any unnecessary attention to his declaring his hairpiece as a dependant, getting medical deduction for hand enlargement surgery, and claiming a tax credit for providing housing to a foreign immigrant for his wife Melania.

 

 

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