10 Messages From FEMA’s Presidential Alert System

Thanks to the new presidential alert system, we will now receive warnings about natural disasters from a man-made disaster.
Image source: androidcentral

This week, Federal Emergency Management Agency is going to do a test of the presidential alert system. This system will allow the US President to send emergency messages to nearly every American with a cell phone – in other words, for Trump it would probably be like a version of Twitter but with people not given the option to opt out or talk back with mean things. Here are 10 possible emergency messages we might receive from FEMA’s presidential alert system in the future.

1) “Many people are saying there’s a hurricane approaching your state, but sleep safe, we are ready for the hurricane. It won’t be a total disaster like Puerto Rico or some other third world country. Also, please make sure not to die in large numbers since it makes me look bad.”

2) “Please stay off the roads as millions of people are being evacuated, huge, tremendous crowds of people, almost as big as the crowds at my inauguration. Not as big, because my inauguration had the biggest, most unbelievable crowd of all time!”

3) “Please make sure that you have all necessities packed in an emergency preparedness bag – water, paper towels, hairspray, an a copy of The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump!”

4) “My thoughts and prayers are with the victims of this devastating hurricane, unless they voted for Crooked Hillary Clinton.”

5) “Due to a yuge Category 5 hurricane, the presidential rally will be cancelled, because evil and lying Democrats have invented the global warming to create more hurricanes to cancel my rallies! Sad! Vote them all out!”

6) “This is an emergency. Due to tremendous problems with Obama economy, which is, by the way, in the best shape ever thanks to ME, we need to give an emergency tax cut to the top 1% of earners so that they could create more jobs. Please bring your money, as much as you can spare, borrow if you have to, to the 1% emergency assistance centers being set up around the country at your nearest Trump hotel.”

7) “A heat wave is predicted for this part of the country. It will be very hot, hotter than ever, almost 100 degrees which is the maximum temperature, it will be hot like Melania, although not as hot as Ivanka.”

8) “We may have accidentally started a nuclear war with North Korea, which is totally not my fault. If you’re in Hawaii or California, look outside, it’s going to be tremendous! You don’t want to miss this. Best nuclear war in all of history. An A+ war with A+ bombs!”

9) “TOTAL WITCH HUNT! NO COLLUSION! WHAT DO YOU mean this isn’t Twitter? What’s the difference?”

10) “covfefe”

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10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Cancelled Pay Raises For Federal Employees

“The economy’s doing so well, look how much money I made in the past year!”
Image source: Daily Express

This week, president Donald Trump has announced that he will cancel a planned pay increase for all civilian federal employees. Here are 10 reasons why this was a tremendously smart decision.

1)  There’s really no point of giving raises to the people in Trump’s government, because, chances are, way too many of them are just going to quit or go to prison.

2)  He’s hired so many millionaires and billionaires to run his government, he doesn’t think people in the government need any more money.

3)  Trump doesn’t want his taxes to be wasted on the government bureaucrats, in case he ever decides to pay taxes.

4)  He expects other government workers to show the initiative and business acumen and turn their government jobs into side income and free perks, just like he and his cabinet members do.

5)  He wanted to punish government workers for constantly leaking mean things about him, but Ivanka convinced him that putting their children in cages is only acceptable for Mexicans.

6)  Trump only promised to hire the best people, not to pay them the best salaries.

7)  Government bureaucrats are already overpaid, because most of them are clearly incompetent, useless, and corrupt. Just look at Trump’s cabinet!

8)  Money doesn’t grow on trees, and those Mar-a-Lago trips and golf games are expensive, and the First Lady may soon need to be replaced with a newer and better model.

9)  Every dollar saved on federal spending is a dollar that can be given to billionaires as a tax cut, so that it will then trickle down from billionaires to multimillionaires.

10)  There just isn’t enough money for a raise, because Russian economy is in trouble.

P.S. According to more recent news, Donald Trump promised to study the pay freeze. By the end of the weekend, he is expected to either deny ever talking about any pay raises, or give himself an A+ after successfully completing his studying, or both.

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10 Events Scheduled For Donald Trump’s And Kim Jong Un’s Summit

If time allows, Kim Jong Un will also ask Donald for Melania Trump’s phone number – she hasn’t been seen with Donald in public for weeks, so Kim is pretty sure she’s now available.
Image source: CNN

On June 12th, Dear Leader Donald Trump and North Korean president Kim Jong Un… I mean, Dear Leader Kim Jong Un and Dearer Leader Donald Trump, and Donald Trump’s his “plus one” Dennis Rodman, are expected to meet at a historic summit in Singapore. The purpose of the summit is to discuss a possible denuclearization of North Korea, hair products, and the size of the crowd at Donald Trump’s inauguration. As most such high-level meetings, the summit will have a pretty tight schedule, with a lot of events that have to be fit into both Kim Jong Un’s busy torture schedule and Donald Trump’s golf games. Here are 10 of the items on the summit’s agenda.

9:00 a.m. – 9:45 a.m.: Nuclear button measuring contest, judged by Dennis Rodman. Bonus points will be given for a working button.

10:15 a.m.: North Korea will release American hostages. If North Korea has not obtained American hostages by 9 a.m., hostages will be provided by the U.S. State Department.

11:00 a.m.: Ribbon-cutting ceremony for the first North Korean McDonalds: of many possible American franchises, North Koreans chose McDonalds, because they want food and they want it fast.

11:40 a.m.: United States and North Korea will sign a free trade agreement. Since North Korea doesn’t really have much of an economy, the US and North Korea are expected to trade compliments, insults, and possibly ballistic missiles.

11:45 a.m.: Donald Trump is to be reminded that the goal of the summit is not to discuss the plans for Trump Tower North Korea. (This agenda item also shows up on the schedule at 12:15 p.m., 12:45 p.m., 1:15 p.m., 1:45 p.m., 2:15 p.m., 2:45 p.m., 3:15 p.m., 4:00 p.m., 7:15 p.m., 7:45 p.m., 8:15 p.m., 8:45 p.m., and 9 p.m.)

12:00 p.m. – 1:30 p.m.: Seminar: “Free Press and Democracy: How To Find It And Destroy It”, jointly presented by Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump.

2:30 p.m.: White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will hold a press conference to address a new scandal involving Donald Trump and/or sudden firing of a senior White House official (At the time of setting the schedule, it is not known which scandal and/or senior official it would be, but it is certain that there would be some sort of a brand-new scandal and/or an unexpected firing by 2 p.m..)

3:30 p.m. – 7 p.m.: Donald Trump’s closed-doors bathroom hate-tweeting session. (Due to the time difference between Washington and Singapore, the regular early morning session will be held in the afternoon local time).

5 p.m.-7 p.m.: A lecture/Q&A session “How To Inherit Power From Dad And Get Rid Of The Competition From Annoying Siblings”, by Kim Jong Un for Ivanka Trump, Eric Trump, and Donald Trump, Jr.

11:55 p.m.: The White House is expected to issue an official statement denying that any meeting between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un ever took place.

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10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Did Not Give His Wife Melania A Birthday Present

“Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me… ah, screw it. I’m getting too old for this crap.”

This Thursday was the birthday of the First Lady Melania Trump, and as was reported recently in the news, her husband, President Donald Trump, did not give her a present for her birthday this year. He did say he already gave her some flowers and a card, which were the most amazing flowers and the prettiest card his assistant found in the CVS discount aisle. Here are 10 reasons why Donald Trump never gave his wife an actual present.

1)  Donald Trump was too busy golfing, tweeting, and watching Fox News, or as he calls it, “running the country”.

2)  He did buy a Melania a birthday present, but had to use it up to placate Melania when the Stormy Daniels story came up.

3)  Donald Trump had been counting on his lawyer Michael Cohen to pay Melania hush money to stay quiet about not getting a present.

4)  Donald Trump got confused and thought Ivanka was the wife and Melania was his son’s Eastern European nanny.

5)  Donald Trump didn’t bother looking for present for Melania in advance because he thought he’d be getting a new wife by now.

6)  Donald Trump thought it would be very inappropriate to spend taxpayers’ money on a present to his wife, when our tax dollars could be spent on something more important, like another Mar-A-Lago trip.

7)  Due to staff turnover problems at the White House, various Trump assistants who would have been assigned to keep track of the important birthdays are all either in the “not yet nominated” or “already resigned in disgrace” stages of their careers.

8)  Donald Trump’s Secret Service agents swore to protect him if Melania ever got angry about not getting a present.

9)  Trump was thinking of asking Melania what present she wanted. However, the present she wanted turned out to be way too expensive, since she wanted a divorce.

10)  It was Obama’s fault.

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10 Reactions To Alabama Senate Election 

Last week, there was a special election for the US Senate seat in Alabama, where Roy Moore, a Republican, former chief justice of Alabama supreme court, and an accused child molester, has lost a close election to Doug Jones, a Democrat. The election result came as a shock, because Democrats have not won any statewide elections in Alabama in decades. So here are 10 reactions to the election results. (I realize that this post is a little behind the times, but then so is the whole state of Alabama).

1) James Carville, political strategist: “This was a unique election, since it marked the first time in recorded history when people in New York and San Francisco actually cared about something happening in Alabama.”

2) Roy Moore: “Look, if those silly fake allegations did not make me quit this race, Jones’s so-called victory won’t stop me from staying in this race as long as it takes, either!”

3) National Organization for Women: “Unfortunately, Democrats blew Alabama’s last good chance to send Roy Moore somewhere far away from the Alabama’s teenagers.”

4) Ted Crockett, Roy Moore’s spokesman: “This was a coordinated left-wing hit job. Why did those women come out now, 40 years later? A little too convenient for Jones, I’ll say. They should have come out before, back when Roy Moore was the chief justice of the state supreme court and had every Alabama prosecutor and police chief on his speed dial.”

5) Donald Trump: “Roy who? I never endorsed this guy Moore. I don’t even know him. Believe me, I’ve never even heard the name Alabama – what is this place? I did beat Clinton there by over 30 points, by the way, it was tremendous, historical victory, but I’ve never heard of this Alibamia before today.”

6) National Pedophile Association Of America: “We were initially very excited about having Roy Moore in this election. However, judge Moore’s response to the sex allegations had showed that he wasn’t sufficiently interested in defending his convictions as a child molester, which made a lot of people worry that he wouldn’t be committed to the Republican principles either.”

7) Steve Bannon, former Trump advisor, current angry white guy: “The election was rigged! It is unfair that Roy Moore was forced to run against someone who wasn’t an accused pedophile!”

8) John Merrill, Alabama Election Commissioner: “This was a very intense election, with unbelievable turnouts and get-out-the-vote efforts. I saw that Roy Moore personally driving dozens of people to the polls, but, unfortunately, most turned out to be too young to vote.”

9) Red Knecke, Roy Moore supporter: “It was the lying fake news media that smeared the honorable judge’s good name! We’re supposed to have a presumption of innocence in this country! We have to assume the alleged criminal is innocent until he is proven to be a Democrat!”

10) Doug Jones, senator-elect: “Uh… I guess I better tell the guys at my job that I’ll be giving my notice. I mean, seeing how Democrats never win in Alabama, I didn’t think I’d have to bother even telling them I was running. And I guess I’ll have to make up some sort of a political program, too, other than not being a pervert.”

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10 Way How Republican Tax Reform Will Make America Great Again

The Republicans had hoped to simplify the tax code, but the code will actually become even more complicated due to the pressure from the powerful calculator lobby.
Image source: HowStuffWorks

The Republican majorities in the Senate and the House of Representatives have released their long-awaited tax plans, and although the two plans differ in the details, both are based on the idea that the richest people in America are so desperately poor that the rest of us need to pay more in taxes and borrow $1.5 Trillion over the next decade to provide additional government assistance to them. Although Democrats are outraged over this tax reform, the Republican tax plan will actually help America in many ways. Here are just 10 of them.

1)  The plan gives the largest tax cuts to the richest people, because the more money rich people have, the more jobs they create. Imagine if one single person had all of America’s money while everyone else had nothing – this man could create hundreds of jobs all by himself!

2)  Small businesses would get much-deserved tax breaks and subsidies. (Small businesses will be defined by the bill as those businesses paying little or no federal tax at all, such as General Electric or United Airlines.)

3)  The tax reform will raise taxes on graduate students by up to 400%. This plan will ensure that only the smartest and the fittest graduate students will survive and the weak will be weeded out, all without wasting valuable resources on edewkayshen.

4)  The bill will repeal the estate tax, because we should not punish the success of children of millionaires in outliving their parents!

5)  There will be no more personal exemptions allowed for individual taxpayers: this change will finally codify the idea that only corporations should be considered “persons”.

6)  The plan provides a tax break for the private jet owners to encourage billionaires and millionaires to fly more on their private airplanes. This will reduce both the traffic congestion, and the usage of the government planes by the many billionaires and millionaires in the Trump administration.

7)  The simplified tax forms will fit on a postcard, but you’d need to be able to write in really tiny letters to fill it all in. And thanks to the recent Equifax hack, you no longer need to worry about having your Social Security number on the postcard out in the open.

8)  The plan will entice large corporations that hide their money from the US taxes in the offshore tax havens to finally pay their tax bill by offering them double what they would owe if they pay the bill.

9)  The reform will close tax loopholes and excessive deductions. The details have not been finalized, but it would be whatever YOU benefit from.

10)  Finally, the tax reform will prevent wealth redistribution by taking the money from the middle class and the poor and giving it to the rich.

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10 Tremendously Compassionate Phone Calls President Trump Made To Families Of Fallen Soldiers

“We’ll get to your son in a minute, but have you heard how big the crowds at my inauguration were? Huge, tremendous crowds, biggest in history!”
Image source: thesun.co.uk

Recently, yet another Trump-related controversy has erupted as Donald Trump has accused former presidents Obama and George W. Bush of never calling the families of soldiers killed in the line of duty to express their condolences. Patting himself on the back, Trump said that he likes to call when it’s appropriate (although, judging by his Twitter feed, it’s not clear if Donald Trump actually knows the meaning of the word “appropriate”). However, recordings of many of Donald Trump’s tremendously compassionate calls out to the families of the fallen soldiers have been leaked to this blog. Here are 10 of them.

1)  “Let me just start by saying that this is a very difficult call for me to make. I’m at a golf course right now, tremendous golf course, first class, but the phone connection is a total disaster here, so you have no idea how unbelievably difficult this was for me to call you. Anyway, your son’s dead, oh, and I gotta get back to the game now. MAGA!”

2)  “…I want to thank your son for his service to me, I mean, to the United States of America, even though he’s Puerto Rican. What? Puerto Rico is America? That’s fake news! Really? Seriously, no one knew Puerto Rico was part of America!..”

3)  “…Just wanted to give my warmest condolences because I heard your son got killed. Although, honestly, I like those who don’t get killed…”

4)  “…This your president Donald Trump speaking… what do you mean, this isn’t a good time for you to talk right now?… What funeral? I call when it’s appropriate for me, and I don’t know why you people keep crying and having funerals when I call you, but when the president of the United States of America is calling you, it’s kind of a big deal! You people should be grateful and honored!”

5)  “…I got kids of my own, you know. Great kids. They got amazing genes, really smart, so they didn’t want go to the military like your kid…”

6)  “…You should be honored that your family’s death toll was just one, not like a real disaster like the World War Two or Three!”

7)  “…They showed me your girl’s picture, she was a pretty good-looking one. Tremendous body. At least an eight, maybe even a nine. Definitely not a ten, though. Does she have a younger sister? I bet she’s even hotter. But not as hot as Ivanka. I’d still date her, probably. Just don’t tell my wife Menalia or what’s-her-name…”

8)  “…I just want to say that I really appreciate your kid’s sacrifice. If there’s anything your family needs, like a border wall, a Muslim ban, a tremendous tax cut on estates, I can make it happen. I can throw in some paper towels, too, people in Puerto Rico loved them…”

9)  “…So this is very sad news, I mean, these military funerals are expensive, and we got all this yuge hundred trillion dollar debt from Obama, a total failure as the president, by the way, worst president ever, but we’re getting this amazing, unbelievable growth, so this is totally unfair that we have to increase our debt to pay for your funeral…”

10)  “…Hi, it’s me, just leaving a message since I haven’t been able to reach you. I’m gonna need your guys again to hack a bunch of total crooks, yuge pains in the ass, and maybe the failing CNN and New York Times, and I’ll owe you, as usu… What? This isn’t Putin’s number? Who did you dial? Some soldier? Ah, fu…” (dial tone)

 

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