10 Irrefutable Pieces Of Photographic Evidence Proving That Democrats Stole The 2020 Election

Posted on December 4, 2020 by

With more states certifying their election results, and more losses piling up for Trump’s lawyers (and former NYC mayors pretending to be lawyers) in courts, it becomes more and more obvious that the election is being shamelessly stolen from Donald Trump. The amount of evidence proving voter fraud is staggering, overwhelming, and the evidence is absolutely damning, from graphs showing various suspicious red and blue lines to videos of people carrying some very fishy cardboard boxes somewhere. But this is just what is on the surface – here are 10 more recently uncovered pieces of evidence showing Democrats stealing (or conspiring to steal) the 2020 election from Donald Trump.

Arizona, November 1, 2020: A warplane is dropping packages of fraudulent mail-in ballots all over the vast deserts of Maricopa county. The communist red star on the tail and the number 47 (apparently, for the 47th president) on the cockpit make it ovbious that Kamala Harris is the one who is piloting the plane.

 

Detroit, Michigan, November 3, 2020: A voting booth set up specifically for those voters who had already voted and are now showing up to cast their second or third vote – because who else would go into a booth that already says “I Voted” unless they had already voted??? (Notice the man is wearing a mask to help circumvent the Voter ID rules)

 

Milwaukee, November 4, 2:42 AM: Magician David Copperfield is magically changing Trump ballots into Biden ballots using his powerful magic.

 

Venezuela, 2013, funeral of Hugo Chavez. A – ostensibly – Hugo Chavez’s casket is seen here. However, you can see it is closed from the public, proving that instead of Chavez’s body, it is very likely that the Venezuelan military is actually transporting a Dominion voting software server coded to steal the elections. In the top right, just behind the casket. you can clearly see Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden (in a white shirt)

 

 

Washington, DC, January 21, 2009: A crowd of at least 250,000 Democratic co-conspirators gets together to discuss their plans to steal the 2020 election.

 

A Democrat dressed as a sailor coming from Asia is kissing a nurse to transmit the coronavirus to a New York City health worker to exacerbate the Covid19 pandemic to make Trump administration look bad.

 

May 1947, Coney Island, New York: Nancy Pelosi (on the left, where else could she be), Chuck Schumer (on the right), and Mark Zuckerberg (center) are dropping baby Donald Trump on his head so that his brain wouldn’t develop properly and as a result, 73 years later he’d be constantly saying stupid crap that would be hurting his 2020 re-election chances.

 

Philadelphia, 1787: A bunch of liberal coastal elites gather together in a dark backroom to write out a bunch of stupid rules designed to prevent Donald Trump from winning the second term and even governing as he wishes during his first one.  Notice not one of these hypocrites is wearing a mask.

 

Bones of what is suspected to be an electoral fraud whistleblower from 4000 years ago. In the bottom, you can see that the presumed murderer left a rainbow LGBTQ sticker and what appears to be a piece of a Florida ballot, proving the murderer was a Democrat.

 

Mesopotamia (present day Iraq), 11,000 BT (Before Trump): Neolitic Iraqi terrorists invent agriculture, leading to the appearance of the first permanent human settlements, which eventually leads to  industrialization, urbanization, and eventual emergence of liberal stronghold (a.k.a., hotbeds of voter fraud) cities like Altanta, Detroit, and Philadelphia. Man, the Muslim ban was clearly put in place about 10,998 years too late.

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10 Reactions To The Results Of The So-Called 2020 Election

Posted on November 21, 2020 by

“Hey, you, boy, can you write? Tremendous, get in now, I need more people to file lawsuits in Michigan. And take the lawnmower, I gotta shred some papers.”

The 2020 election took place two weeks ago, and… actually, it kind of is still in process: although all major media organizations have projected Joe Biden as the winner of the election and the next president, the current occupant of the Oval Office is claiming that massive voter fraud had robbed him of a victory he was owed. I mean, it is obviously inconceivable that a president who never got to even 50% approval rating and trailed in all polls could possibly lose an election amidst a worst pandemic plus a worst economic crisis in decades. So here are 10 reactions to how the election has been unfolding so far.

1)  Melania Trump, First Lady: “It sad that Donald presidency is end, but such is life and we must be best and move on. So I start look for younger and richer president now.”

2)  Vladimir Putin, President of Russia: “I am very disappointed in the results of the American election.  It turns out that our elite team of  hackers, due to a minor error in the computer code, had helped the wrong candidate. This is completely unacceptable, and the hackers responsible for such an unforgivable error will now be hacking trees in Northern Siberia or will be uploaded directly into the cloud.”

3)  Joe Biden, President-Elect:  “I hope Donald Trump will accept his loss and will give my upcoming administration a chance to have a successful transition. In return, I would be happy to give Donald Trump a chance to fly out to any country that does not have an extradition treaty with the US.”

4)  Donald Trump, President-Unelect: “I WON! VOTER FRAUD!!!! My people have tons of evidence of voter fraud, tremedous piles of evidence, it is unbelievable! We will release it right away, maybe even next week, right after my tax returns!!!”

5)  Jeff Zucker, CEO of CNN:  “I, ugh, got this weird unsigned note promising to pay me $130,000 if CNN keeps quiet about who won the 2020 election.”

6)  Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority leader: “So what we see here is that a candidate has won an election, but a sitting president is refusing to concede and give up the power. See, Biden isn’t president yet, and he’s already turning our country into Venezuela!”

7)  Stormy Daniels, former Acting First Lady: “As I had told Trump that time before, he shouldn’t really get that upset about this, it’s actually quite common for a man his age to lose an election.”

8)  Mike Pence, Vice President: “This is just not possible for Mr. President to have lost this election. After all, Donald Trump has singlehandedly created millions of jobs, and that’s just the lawyers demanding recounts, audits and delays!”

9)  Rudy Giuliani, star of Borat 2 movie: “We’re filing lawsuits, many lawsuits, lawsuits against the media,Wisconsin, Founding Fathers, Sharpie pens, the Post Office, math, voting machines, Four Seasons Total Landscaping, hair dye, and Hugo Chavez!!”

10)  Tampa Bay Rays: “Considering the circumstances, we now refuse to concede our team’s loss to the LA Dodgers in the 2020 World Series until all homeruns have been recounted and umpire calls have been certified.”

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10 Main Takeaways From The First 2020 Presidential Debate

Posted on September 30, 2020 by

An especially low point during the debate, where both candidates were heatedly discussing the size of the President’s manhood.
(image source: Fox)

Last night, America witnessed the first presidential debate with a long-awaited (and socially distanced) face-off between President Donald J. Trump and the Democratic party nominee, former Vice President Joe Biden. It was a rather chaotic affair that was only occasionally moderated by Fox News’s Chris Wallace, that was meant to give the voters a more clear understanding of which candidate they dislike more. So here are 10 main takeaways from the debate, at least as much as I have been able to determine from all the incessant interruptions and cross-talk.

1)  Who Made A Stronger Appeal To The Undecided Voters? Joe Biden made a strong appeal to the undecided voters by decisively proving that he is able to stand upright and speak without the assistance of others. On the other hand, Donald Trump once again made a powerful pitch to the voters who were still undecided whether Trump was fully committed to supporting their white supremacist cause.

2)  Biggest Shock Of The Debate:  Donald Trump’s finding out that people dare to yell at him and interrupt his interrupting of Joe Biden.

3)  Most Predictable Part Of The Debate:  Donald Trump agreeing to the rules of the debate only to constantly break them for the next 1.5 hours.

4)  Biggest Problem Facing America Right Now:  Hunter Biden and his shady business deals.

5)  Fitness To Be President: Joe Biden: Based on his debate performances, Joe Biden does not quite give an impression that he is fit to be president. It appears that his team refused a pre-debate drug test only because even a tiniest needle prick could have left Biden even more deflated.

6)  Fitness To Be President: Donald Trump: Trump confirmed his image as someone who has plenty of fitness and stamina but should be kept as far away from the presidency as possible.

7)  Top Senior Moment, Donald Trump: Trump appeared to confuse two similar-sounding words and instead of condemning white supremacists began commanding white supremacists.

8)  Top Senior Moment, Joe Biden:  Joe Biden’s debate performance. Also, throughout the debate, Biden was struggling to talk in complete sentences, although it was mostly because Donald Trump wouldn’t let Biden finish them.

10)  Biggest Lie Of The Debate:  Chris Wallace repeatedly calling what was happening on the stage “a Presidential Debate”.

10)  Who Won The Debate:  This is complicated as Donald Trump refused to accept the result of the vote on who won the debate should the result show a Biden’s victory, and vowed to contest the result all the way to the Supreme Court.

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10 Super Terrifying Things Joe Biden Will Do To You If Elected

Posted on August 26, 2020 by

Official Joe Biden photo distributed by the Republican National Committee

A virtual Republican party convention is taking place this week (it’s “virtual” since the Republican party is no longer a “real” party but more of a Trump cult). At the convention, various members of the Trump family and a handful of not-as-of-yet fired and/or imprisoned associates and loyalists of Donald Trump made speeches offering a message of hope and optimism and a mountain of messages of doom and gloom that would befall our country should a Democratic nominee Joe Biden win the 2020 presidential election. However, judging by the polls that show Biden ahead of Trump, the Republicans’ message of fear and disaster is not sufficiently resonating with the average Americans. To make this message truly resonate, here are 10 horrible and scary things that Joe Biden would do to this country, and TO YOU PERSONALLY, if elected.

1)  Joe Biden will come to your house and MURDER YOUR CAT. And since many people own zero cats, and some people had worked hard and accumulated many cats, Joe Biden will punish the multi-cat-owners more severely and will REDISTRIBUTE their DEAD CATS to the LAZY CATLESS PEOPLE!

2)  Joe Biden will DESTROY our beautiful suburbs!! On November 4, he’ll show up on a tow truck, drive over your beautiful just-mowed lawn, and as your beautiful – and VERY SCARED CHILDREN are helplessly screaming, Mommy, Mommy, what is the mean man doing to us!? – Sleepy Jow will personally load up YOUR BEAUTIFUL HOUSE onto the tow truck and drop it off right in the middle of the most CRIME-INFESTED URBAN area within the standard 50 mile towing range!!!!

3)  On November 18, when Sleepy Joe Biden will finally remember that he saw your BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN when stealing your house, he will tell Kamala Harris about them, and she will show up to PERFORM A VERY LATE TERM ABORTION on them!!!!

4)  Joe Biden will TAX YOU to give free stuff to THEM, unlike Donald Trump, who’ll tax THEM and give FREE STUFF (like a free border wall) to YOU!!!!!

5)  Joe Biden will make COAL AND OIL ILLEGAL and his JACK-BOOTED THUGS will make everyone use solar and wind energy, so you will no longer be able to watch Fox News 24-7 like you do everyday BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NO ELECTRICITY at night!!!!!

6)  Joe Biden will give CITIZENSHIP to chickens, no questions asked, and you know who these hippie free-range cluck-clucks-clan supporting chickens would vote for!!!!!

7)  If Joe Biden is elected, there would be NO MORE WATER. All the water will be FROZEN SOLID into ICE by the global-warming-hating Democrats, and if you get thirsty and wanted to defrost some water in your microwave, you better hope it is sunny enough for your microwave to power up!!!!!

8)  If elected, Joe Biden WILL KILL GOD, yes, our tremendous immortal and omnipotent God, Who is just being recognized for the great things he has been doing recently, is IN GRAVE DANGER!!!  The no-good Joe Biden will break through the Pearly Gates of Heaven, run up to God, smell His hair, and STAB HIM in the Back, and our omniscient God won’t even know what hit Him!!!! Why else would have Democrats nominated a guy who’s SO OLD that he could DIE and meet our Lord so very soon?!?!?!

9)  Joe Biden will institute SOCIALISM all over this great country!!! That’s right, he’ll take socialism away from the America’s great crony capitalists and politicians and redistribute it to the poor, even “black” people!!!!!!!

10)  If Joe Biden is elected, there would be RIOTS AND LOOTING in the streets, there would be SKY-HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT, there would be VIOLENT CRIME and CANCEL CULTURE and THOUSANDS OF DEAD from the Chinese Coronavirus!  So, it would be kind of just like now, but it would be ALL JOE BIDEN’S FAULT!!!!!!!

Oh, you thought this list will stop at 10, as usual? NOPE!!!! Turning up the fear factor UP TO ELEVEN!!!!!

11)  Joe Biden will give ALL ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS a SOCIALIST HEALTHCARE with DEATH PANELS that will kill them all!!!… no, wait, that’s… actually a good thing, so ignore that… BUT he WILL NOT GIVE SOCIALIZED HEALTHCARE TO ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!!!!… ummm….that’s also good…. this is confusing… uhhh… Anyway, BENGHAZI!!!!! HILLARY’S EMAILS!!!!!!!  BAD!!!! SCARY!!!! OOOOOOOH!!!!

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10 Things You Did Not Realize That Are Surprisingly Racist

Posted on August 4, 2020 by

If you just pay attention, you find that there’s racism even within a dictionary. (It’s possible that the placement of the image is also racist because it’s been aligned to the right).

The death of George Floyd at the hands of the police has reignited the movement of people coming out on the streets to protest against racism, and a movement of people coming out on Twitter to point out and call out more and more things that are racist. Because pointing out racist things online is easier and doesn’t carry risk of being teargassed or arrested, here are 10 more things that are unexpectedly racist.

1) Elections: Elections are racist, since white folks get five times more votes than black people.

2) Sports: Hockey and swimming are racist because they have a severe underrepresentation of black athletes, and basketball and football are racist because they shamelessly parade and exploit the mostly black athletes for the entertainment of largely white audiences.

3) Lead paint: Basically, it’s a tin can just filled with toxic whiteness.

4) Astronomy: A white-colored star is making all the other planets run in circles around it in our solar system. Compare and contrast to the concept of a “black hole” which is considered to be a destructive force in the universe that pull in anything that fall below the event horizon and doesn’t allow it to escape (which I guess is astronomy-speak for “once you go black, you don’t go back”).

5) Martin Luther King, Jr. He was an early supporter of the racist “all people are equal, all lives equally matter” agenda.

6) Logic: Logic is racist because… I wish I could explain, but making a logical argument why logic is racist would just be perpetuating racism.

7) Grocery shopping: Many fruits, such as bananas or apples are only considered to be good while their skin is light-colored, but are passed over and discarded when they turn brown or black.

8) Photosynthesis: This is a process in plants that – problematically – works only when it’s light out, but not when it’s dark, and depends on the sun, which we just determined to be racist.

9) Having black friends: Everybody knows that anyone who says “I have a black friend” is only using it to justify their racism.

??) Numbers, because they are an oppressively hierarchical construct where some numbers are always assumed to be higher than the others. Also, there were many documented historical incidents where numbers had been used to count slaves.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , | 17 Comments

10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Never Wears A Mask

Posted on July 11, 2020 by

Just one of many photos of mask-free president Donald Trump along with other people who are wearing masks. However, it is entirely possible that these other people are wearing masks mainly because they are embarrassed to be seen next to Donald Trump.

Although scientists and doctors have recommended wearing masks to protect yourself and others from COVID-19, and many politicians in the US have made it a point to wear masks in public, there is one politician who is persistently and conspicuously never wears a mask. Absolutely coincidentally, this politician just happens to be a president of a country that has had more COVID-19 cases than any other country in the world. So here are 10 possible reasons why Donald Trump never wears a mask.

1)  A mask might make Donald Trump look less manly and would probably smear his fake tan and makeup.

2)  He does not need to, because he has dozens of Secret Service agents standing ready to shoot down any germ trying to infect him.

3)  Vice president Mike Pence, who stands ready to take over Donald Trump’s job should anything bad happen to Donald Trump, has convinced Trump that not wearing the mask is perfectly safe.

4)  Donald Trump had started wearing masks, but they kept getting sucked into his throat whenever he would say the word “CHINA!!!”

5)  A strong leader cannot give an impression that he is scared of some virus. A strong leader could only be scared of immigrants, protesters, Muslims, vote-by-mail ballots, liberal snowflakes, and windmills.

6)  According to Donald Trump, he can’t wear a mask because it’s currently under audit.

7)  His skin is so thin that even a hint of extra pressure created by a mask could make him explode.

8)  He thinks that he is immune to COVID-19 because he has tremendous health, best health in the nation, and he tested negative two months ago, and it was the most negative result by far, maybe in the history of mankind.

9)  Many remember the famous quote from the president: “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait”. And it’s really difficult to just start kissing somebody when you’re wearing a mask – whether it’s a face of a beautiful woman or an ass of a Russian president.

10)  His tiny fingers can’t reach the masks straps behind the ears.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

10 Reasons Why Masks Are Terrible For You

Posted on July 10, 2020 by

It seems innocent enough at a first look. But look closely. Doesn’t it look like one of those terrifying horror movie aliens that jump onto people’s faces and choke them?

There has been a lot of speculation about whether people should wear masks to protect themselves and others from COVID-19 or shouldn’t, and scientists don’t really help, because they keep coming up with different answer seemingly every couple of weeks. Seriously, science, can’t you just pick one thing and just stick to it for the next couple thousand years, like religion does? Luckily, there are tens of millions of self-educated epidemiologists and Google-trained mask experts on Facebook, and from their combined wisdom here are 10 reasons why masks are bad for you.

1)  Masks are reducing the flow of oxygen to your brain. Did you know that the air inside the mask is 78% nitrogen and only 21% oxygen?

2)  Requiring people to wear masks is tyranny. What’s next, requiring people to wash their hands after going to the bathroom, and, speaking of which, going to the bathroom – in the bathroom?

3)  Wearing masks makes it harder to engage in exercises such as running or bicycling: the mask straps push your ears forward, creating additional air resistance that requires you to apply additional effort to move forward.

4)  They say that masks are easy to use, but, apparently, one does actually need 6 years of medical training to wear a mask properly – hey morons, when they say “social distancing”, they don’t mean your mask and your nose!

5)  Wearing masks makes people look like sheep. Although… come to think about it, it’s the sheep who are never wearing masks.

6)  They even require kids to wear masks, and kids are too small to wear masks! Can you imagine kids wearing mask, going from one place to another while wearing masks, hanging out with friends while wearing masks, talking to adults while wearing masks, getting snacks while wearing masks?! Okay, fine, but besides Halloween!?

7)  The design of the masks is so diabolically terrible that the holes in the filters are simultaneously too big to stop the virus from going through and too small to allow a 1000 times smaller oxygen molecules to slip through.

8)  It doesn’t matter that medical workers wear the masks for their protection, because medical workers are biologically different from the Real Americans.

9)  Masks make your immune system 5 times weaker. So if you might get COVID-19 without a mask, if you are wearing a mask you’ll get COVID-95!

10)  Masks do not protect from the virus. The best defense against a bad guy with a virus is a good guy with a virus.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , | 35 Comments

10 Real President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America

Posted on March 27, 2020 by

Many of you have probably received (or will receive) a postcard in the mail named “President Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America”. The postcard has many usual suggestions on various measures aimed to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19 that we’ve all heard a thousand times, like washing your hands and avoiding public places. However, since the card says “President Trump’s Guidelines” and not “CDC Guidelines”, it’s likely that President Trump did write his guidelines personally, and then the Deep State bureaucrats at the CDC rewrote the guidelines to turn it into a useless mush. Here is how the guidelines must have looked like when President Trump wrote them personally.

1)  Don’t get sick and die. I like those who don’t get sick and die.

2)  If you are an person older that 75, you should isolate yourself and end your presidential campaign against me immediately.

3)  If you cough or sneeze, take no responsibility at all.

4)  If you think you have coronavirus, stay home and quarantine yourself for 14 days. We don’t have enough tests or medicine, so you’re going to get tested, you’re just going to make our stats look bad.

5)  Don’t touch your own face. Grab others by the pussy, if you’re a star they let you do it.

6)  If your school is closed, find something for your kids to do. You could give your kids pretend-jobs, like I gave mine.

7)  I’m going to send everyone $1200 hush money, I mean, a stimulus check. You could buy yourself a roll of toilet paper with it.

8)  Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly after being in a public place. If you don’t have access to water and soap or hand sanitizer, have your Vice President lick your hands clean for you.

9)  Avoid public gatherings, unless it’s my inauguration party, because it’s going to be historic, biggest inauguration in history, everyone is going to be there, you can’t miss it.

10)  If you’re Mexican on Muslim, you don’t need to do anything.

The card also has the following small print section:

By the way, I took the test and I got the perfect score. The lying failing mainstream media say that negative is good, and positive is bad, which sounds totally upside down to anyone with half as much common sense as I have, their obviously lying. All the doctors are asking, how is it that I know so much about this coronavirus, when no one knew anything about this virus until yesterday? And I knew everything before everybody, because my uncle was a professor at MIT, so I have genius genes in my brain, and I knew at least two weeks ago, and no one even told me about this virus until today. Not many people know this virus came from China, and I knew it all along, it’s a terrible virus, it killed 21 million people in China and I knew it before anyone in China even noticed, very sad! It’s very dangerous out there and the people should go back to work right away because the market and jobs need people to work, and did I say I will personally write every American a check for $1200 and covfefe
Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

10 Reactions To Donald Trump’s Impeachment Acquittal

Posted on February 6, 2020 by

In his acquittal speech President Donald Trump reiterated that his phone call was perfect and again demanded that everyone reads the call transcript. After which he turned to his aides and again demanded that they do not release the full call transcript.
Image source: Quora

This Wednesday, the Republican-controlled…or should I say, Trump-controlled, Senate voted to acquit president Trump of the charges in both articles of impeachment approved by the House of Representatives late last year, just days after voting against allowing any witnesses or evidence in the impeachment trial. Democrats were understandably upset. On the other hand, president Trump, in a measured and very presidential response, swore revenge and retribution on anyone who dared to vote against him, testify against him, or as much as “liked” a post calling for his impeachment, which I guess must be how this checks and balances thing works in today’s American democracy. Here are 10 other reactions to the president Donald Trump’s acquittal.

1)  Donald Trump, president:  “Many people are saying that I am the most acquitted president in history, maybe ever!  No other president was acquitted as quickly or as many times as I have!”

2)  Mike Pence, Vice President:  “….Gosh darn it. Really should stop getting my hopes up…”

3)  Melania Trump, First Lady:  “This change nothing. You still sleeping on couch, you cheating jebač.”

4)  Ted Cruz, Republican Senator:  “I believe very strongly that the House managers presenting the articles of impeachment against the president failed to meet the burden of proof that the president is a Democrat.”

5)  Nancy Pelosi, House majority leader:  “I feel a tear coming up. Does anyone have any printouts of Trump’s speeches?”

6)  Gutta Beborne, obstetrician:  “I just wanted to correct people who had mistakenly called this trial a miscarriage of justice. A miscarriage is a natural process. This is more like the Republican senators performing a late-term abortion of justice.”

7)  Chuck Schumer, Senate minority leader:  “We were really hoping to hear the witness testimony from the former National Security Advisor John Bolton which would have strengthened the case for conviction. Now that the president promised to take some action against him, Mr. Bolton might want to start watching his back.  However, I’m sure President Trump will simply claim that he never met John Bolton, and the rest of the Republican party will believe him.”

8)  Mitch McConnell, Senate majority leader:  “President Trump has done nothing wrong. He certainly did not abuse his power. In my book, the only thing that would constitute an abuse of power is handing any power to the Democrats.”

9)  William Barr, attorney general:  “This was a great trial. Really speedy, really good justice. That no witnesses thing really helped. We’re thinking of getting rid of witnesses and evidence in all other trials we have, it’s gonna make it so much easier to convict who we want to convict and acquit who we want to acquit.”

10)  Democratic Party of Iowa:  “Hey, you guys need help counting the votes? We love counting the votes!”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments

10 Reasons Why Iowa Democratic Caucus Results Have Been Delayed

Posted on February 4, 2020 by

The Democratic caucus election in Iowa took place yesterday, and, as of this moment, the results have not yet been released. Many people are blaming the Russians, but it’s clear that the Russians must have interfered in the Republican caucus to get Donald Trump quickly and easily elected there. Here are the real reasons why the Democratic caucus results are taking so long to get released.

1. An Asian-looking guy sneezed in a results counting room, causing an immediate evacuation of 6 surrounding counties.

2. The Iowa caucus was hacked by New Hampshire, long jealous of Iowa’s first-in-the-nation voting status.

3.  It took 17 hours 42 minutes just to explain how the caucus voting works.

4.  Because the Iowa caucuses work by determining viable candidates, delays were caused due to having to get a doctor’s opinion on whether 78-year-old Bernie Sanders and 77-year-old Joe Biden are actually viable.

5. No matter how many times they counted and who came up as the winner of the caucus, Hillary Clinton kept winning the popular vote.

6. Republicans in the Iowa State Senate blocked the release of the results until they could do a thorough investigation of Hunter Biden and Burisma.

7.  Several progressive groups tried to block the vote counting on the grounds that the digit symbols had been culturally appropriated from the Arabic culture, and that counting is exploitative and inherently unequal because it always puts certain numbers ahead of the others.

8.  The results were supposed to be reported using a smartphone app. Unfortunately, as everyone knows, whenever you grab a phone to actually do something useful on one of its apps for once, you always find yourself scrolling through Facebook 6 hours later without a vaguest idea what made you grab the phone in the first place.

9. Many caucus votes who came prepared to “vote blue no matter who” were confused when they couldn’t find this Bluenomatterwho person on the ballot, eventually casting their votes for Mayor Pete assuming that’s how “Buttigieg” must be pronounced.

10. Reason #10 will be released later, as soon as complete list of reasons becomes available.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , | 16 Comments