10 Fun Facts About America Beer

beer-america2This week, beverage maker Anheuser-Busch announced that Budweiser beer cans and bottles will be temporarily redesigned to replace “Budweiser” brand name with “America”. Here are 10 fun facts about this new America beer.

1)  America beer will be made from bald eagles and apple pies, and filtered through 1000-thread count cotton American flags to attain its rich 1% flavor.

2)  The beer will carry the name “America” up until the presidential election – which is the worst possible time to change the brand, because half the country would want a drink to celebrate, and the other half would want a drink to not have to deal with the election results while sober.

3)  Islamic traditions prohibits America in every Middle Eastern country.

4)  You don’t get drunk from America beer, but you can get too patriotic to drive. You may also experience some strange American dreams, but don’t worry, they’re not real.

5)  Most people think America is the best beer in the world until they actually try some of the European ones.

6)  The cans come with the slogan “Yes we can”.

7)  Whenever America beer doesn’t agree with your system, the whole world suffers from the hangover.

8)  Drinking America beer makes you more likely to operate heavy machinery like tanks, jet fighters, and aircraft carriers.

9)  Certain people feel that only light beer can count as true America beer, and all kinds of dark beer are inherently inferior.

10)  With just a bottle of America beer, you will now be able to see America literally going down the drain.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

10 Reasons Why “Islamist Terrorism” Disappeared From French President’s Speech At White House

"So, Francois, I know we were talking about terrorism and this is off-topic, but check out how big my hands are compared to Trump's!" Image source: USAToday

“So, Francois, I know we’re talking terrorism and this is a little off-topic, but check out how big my hands are compared to Donald Trump’s!”
Image source: USAToday

While everyone is so busy watching Donald Trump’s antics, you might have missed a new White House scandal that’s brewing! During a meeting with Barack Obama at the White House, French president Francois Hollande used the words “Islamist terrorism”, which mysteriously disappeared from the video and audio recordings of the speech posted by the White House, although the words appeared in the posted text transcript and the corrected video posted by the White House hours later. Both Hollande and Obama claim that this was due to a technical issue, while the conservatives are outraged because this obviously has to be another example of political correctness run amok. But you know you can count on me to dig deeper and provide 10 real reasons why the words “Islamist terrorism” disappeared from Hollande’s speech, so here they are:

1)  Obama’s family dog Bo ate the correct video file.

2)  FBI hack of the San Bernardino shooter’s iPhone caused a system-wide malfunction across many i-products, including iSlamist Terrorism.

3)  It was a deliberate decision by the top White House staff to remove the words from the French President’s speech because America cares about our relationship with Islamic-majority allies much more than we care about our French allies. (No offence, France, but how much oil do YOU have?)

4)  It was a deliberate decision made by low-level staffers: the Obama administration is so laid-back and relaxed that White House’s audio engineers are allowed to set their own foreign policy.

5)  According to credible CIA and NSA sources, saying “Islamic terrorism” out loud may conjure the spirit of Osama bin Laden.

6)  The White House audio engineers are paid by the word, and the government just could not justify paying taxpayers dollars for “Islamist Terrorism”.

7)  Hollande was talking way too fast for the White House interpreter to type every word into Google Translate.

8)  Because Republicans argue that the White House should leave the job of nominating the next Supreme Court justice to the next president, it’s only logical that the White House decided to leave talking about Islamist terrorism to the next president as well.

9)  It really was a technical issue: technically, Hollande said it, and Obama had an issue with that.

10)  After months of media focusing solely on Donald Trump, the White house staff felt undeservedly left out and ignored.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 100 Comments

10 Reasons Why Obama Should Not Nominate New Supreme Court Justice

In his impassioned speech in defense of his nominee, Barack Obama pointed out Garland's major strength as a potential Justice: "Look how old this guy is! He'll probably die in a couple of years anyway, and you'll be free to replace him with anyone you like!"

In his impassioned speech in defense of his nominee, Barack Obama pointed out Garland’s major strength as a potential Justice: “Look how old this guy is! He’ll probably die in a couple of years anyway, and you’ll be free to replace him with anyone you like!”

As you already know, Antonin Scalia, one of the United States Supreme Court’s nine justices, had died several weeks ago, and Barack Obama had nominated Appeals Court judge Merrick Garland to replace him. Republican politicians have voiced their opposition to the very idea of Obama nominating anyone, and still refuse to hold any hearings on this Merrick Garland character, if that’s even a real name. But contrary to the popular belief, it’s really not about partisanship and obstruction. You see, Obama should not be nominating anybody because there just isn’t a single person whom Republicans could find qualified to serve on the Supreme Court. Even if we could pick candidates among historical figures and fictional characters, no one would meet their high standards. Here are just 10 examples.

1) Abraham Lincoln: By freeing the slaves, he displayed his contempt for sacred property rights of small and large business owners.

2) Pope Francis: No only he’s a socialist, but as Pope he is also infallible. Can you imagine how much of his socialist agenda he would be able to force on our country by a series of 1-8 decisions?

3) The Superman: He has severely damaged his reputation by leading a double life in lamestream media. Besides, he would have to recuse himself from any Supreme Court cases involving Kryptonite.

4) A genetically reproduced clone of Antonin Scalia: A clone of Scalia created by science would be an insult to the legacy of Justice Scalia, who spent much of his judicial career fighting science.

5) Mother Teresa: While she was undoubtedly a devoted Christian, her obsession with healing poor people makes it clear that she would be a supporter of Obamacare.

6) Ayn Rand: While it may be tempting to have this legendary conservative writer on the court, she would slow the court’s activity down to a crawl with her 1,000+ pages long decisions.

7) The Terminator: On the surface, he would seem like a good fit with his strong pro-gun and pro-death penalty stances, and he did a great job as the governor of California, but having come from the future, he might turn out to be a progressive.

8) Any one of the Founding Fathers: The job of the Supreme Court is to figure out what the Founding Fathers wanted and make rulings based on that, but having a Founding Father on the court makes it only more complicated: what if he wants a coffee? or visit a bathroom?

9) Jesus Christ: Remember, this is the guy who kicked businessmen out of the temple and was heard badmouthing rich people. And even if he died, he’d probably just rise back to the court in three days, immensely complicating the nomination process.

10) Ronald Reagan: Well… He might actually be perfect, but if Obama were to support him, the Republicans would be legally obligated to oppose him.

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

10 Unbelievably Great Features Of Donald Trump’s Terrific Health Care Reform Plan

"My healthcare reform will be so great it will make your head spin, and then it will heal your head right away because my plan is just so great!"

“My health care reform will be so great it will make your head spin, and then it will heal your head right away because my plan is just so unbelievably great!”

This week, the leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump finally revealed his plan for health care reform, and it is fantastic. It would repeal Obamacare right away, and will replace it with health care that would be so great, it’s unbelievable just how great it would be. Here are just 10 of the great things Donald Trump’s health care reform would accomplish.

1)  Foreign viruses, like Ebola, Zika, West Nile, Dengue, socialism – we’ll round them all up and send them back where they came from! And then we’ll build a big and beautiful mosquito net all around the country so that they can’t ever come back!

2)  Donald Trump built so many unbelievable casinos that he knows how to manage risk better than anyone! And under Donald Trump’s health care plan, you would bet like a hundred dollars, and if you win, your procedure will be instantly covered! Because here in America, we only want the winners!

3)  Americans will not have to worry about having to choose between sickness or bankruptcy. You won’t have to worry about bankruptcies anyway, because they’re terrific! Donald Trump has had at least four bankruptcies, and he’s now richer and healthier than anyone!

4)  Donald Trump wants to make America strong, and he’ll give you more steroids than you could carry!

5)  With Donald Trump’s health care plan, no one will ever die in the streets! If anyone’s dying in the street, we’ll come and move them to the sidewalk!

6)  There’ll be Viagra for everyone! For everyone except Donald Trump, naturally, because Donald Trump is extremely virile and doesn’t ever need Viagra! He’ll only take Viagra because he wouldn’t want all the other pathetic losers feel bad. But definitely NOT because Donald Trump needs Viagra!

7)  Donald Trump’s health care plan will even cover hair transplants and penis enlargements. It’ll be yuuuuge!

8)  But Donald Trump’s health care would be terrific for women, too! Any medical procedure women might need would be covered – breast implants, botox, liposuction, plastic surgery, you name it – all covered!

9)  Another fantastic thing is, you could buy insurance across state lines! In fact, you will be able to do anything health-related across state lines. You could go see a doctor across state lines, buy a bottle of Tylenol across state lines, and if you have to drive to get an abortion, that’ll definitely be across a few state lines!

10)  Pre-existing conditions won’t be covered, because if you got them while Obama was president, they’re Obama’s fault anyway.

And because Donald Trump’s health care plan is so terrific, here’s the best part: when in about 40 years Donald Trump’s health care plan will get old and ugly, Donald Trump will repeal it and replace it with an even younger and more tremendous health care plan!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 73 Comments

10 Reasons Why America Needs More Smog, Or Why Supreme Court Is So Important

This isn't smoke rising from the smokestacks, it's FREEDOM!

This isn’t smoke rising from the smokestacks, it’s FREEDOM!

Last weekend, Antonin Scalia, one of the nine Supreme Court Justices, had unexpectedly died at age 79, leaving the Supreme Court divided 4-4 between liberal and conservative justices. Republicans politicians insist that president Obama shouldn’t nominate anyone to replace Scalia until the new president is elected, which would keep the court completely deadlocked for at least a year. However, the Supreme Court is our last bastion of constitutional freedoms, and leaving it paralyzed would be devastating. Just to give one example of how important the Supreme Court is: in its last decision before Scalia’s death, the court blocked Obama administration’s regulations restricting air pollution from power plants. And here are 10 reasons why the Court’s decision to not regulate air pollution was so vital.

1) Thick smog around the house is one of the very few privacy protections American citizens still have left.

2) By blocking ultraviolet solar radiation, smog can prevent thousands of cases of skin cancer.

3) Also, in case there really is global warming, blocking the sunlight would the most effective way to cool down the planet and reverse the warming.

4) Banning air pollution will make it impossible for police departments to use tear gas whenever they like.

5) Smog provides natural defensive camouflage that makes it impossible for American enemies to locate and bomb American cities from above.

6) Smog creates jobs – if smog is banned, thousands of doctors specializing in respiratory system, and manufacturers of respirators and air filters would lose their jobs.

7) If the smog is toxic enough, it make us all healthier by killing all the Ebola and Zika viruses in the air.

8) Banning smog is tantamount to taking away the freedom of Americans to breathe whatever they like.

9) Clean air is overrated. How can you possibly appreciate something you can’t even see?

Note: this list contains only 9 items, since I guess I’m not supposed to add the last item because it’s an election year and a new president hasn’t been elected.

 

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 44 Comments

10 New Major Endorsements Won By Donald Trump

Donald Trump stands visibly uncomfortable while getting endorsed by Sarah Palin, because endorsement by Sarah Palin is probably like your own conception: you want it to happen, but don't want to be there when it happens.

Donald Trump stands visibly uncomfortable while getting endorsed by Sarah Palin. I guess endorsement by Sarah Palin is probably like your own conception: you want it to happen, but don’t want to be there when it happens.

Last week, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign had received a major boost when in a public appearance, former vice-presidential candidate and TV personality Sarah Palin went on raving and incoherent rant about Donald Trump and America, which most experts agreed constituted an endorsement of Donald Trump’s candidacy for president. But winning the coveted endorsement from Sarah Palin was just a start, and Trump has landed a lot of huge new endorsements from all kinds of people and organization. Here are 10 of these endorsements.

1) American Academy of Ophthalmology: “In his speeches, Donald Trump promises to be looking at a lot of things when he becomes president. Our organization recognizes and celebrates the utmost importance of looking at things, and supports any candidate who shares our values.”

2) Association of Bankruptcy Lawyers: “As people who have worked with Mr. Trump many times over the years, we are impressed by his perseverance and his ability to create hundreds of new jobs in many of our law firms. We believe that under Donald Trump’s leadership, America will enter a new chapter.”

3) Hair Club For Men: “Donald Trump cares about what’s important for our members. He knows all about growth, managing scarce resources, and his hair redistribution plan is just amazing.”

4) Mensa International Society: “Previously, we had required all applicants for membership in our organization to take an IQ test to prove their superior intelligence. However, thanks to Donald Trump, we have been able to greatly simplify the admissions process to simply look at prospective applicants’ Facebook comments mentioning Donald Trump.”

5) National Rifle Association: “Recent Trump’s comments that he could randomly shoot someone in the middle of a street and not lose votes prove that Donald Trump is serious about defending our constitutional right to randomly shoot people on the street.”

6) Donald Trump’s reflection in the mirror: “Look, I know Donald better than anyone else. I literally spend several hours every day with him. He isn’t some egotistical maniac people make him out to be. No, he’s the kindest, most selfless man alive – all he cares about is my needs and my wants.”

7) Neanderthals: “Ooogoo! Gooogoo! Ughh! Arrrhhhgoo! Trump yuuuge! Obama boo! Homo Sapiens go back! Go Trump!”  (Sorry, that may have been Sarah Palin’s endorsement again…)

8) Donald Trump’s Ex-Wife Association: “The choice to support Donald was a difficult one for our organization and many of our members had initially opposed it, but we ultimately decided to endorse Donald Trump for president, because we can’t possibly rob America of this amazing sense of hope and happiness the country would be filled with as soon as Donald’s term is over.”

9) Coalition for Mexican Immigrants Rights: “You may be surprised that we chose to endorse Donald Trump after he had promised to build a giant wall on the border with Mexico. However, where do you think President Trump is going to find the workers he needs to build this wall?”

10) American Comedian Guild: “Did you hear the joke about Donald Trump? Well, we got about a million more of them, and we’re not going to run out of them until at least 2025.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 51 Comments

10 New Chemical Elements Scientists Could Have Added To Periodic Table

Scientists use huge machines like this one to smash existing elements to try to create new elements. This obsession with smashing stuff is obviously hinting at some deep-seated aggression issues.

Scientists use huge machines like this one to smash existing elements into each other to try to create new elements. This obsession with smashing stuff is obviously hinting at some deep-seated aggression issues.

Last week, American, Russian, and Japanese scientists have announced that they have discovered four new chemical elements and added them to the periodic table. The new elements don’t actually exist in nature and were created by the scientists in a lab. So, since we’re basically making up new elements as we go, here are 10 more new elements that could have been added, with their chemical properties.

1)  Trumpium: Boiling point is well below room temperature. Quickly sucks up all the oxygen in any enclosed area. Highly self-absorbent.

2)  Kardashium: Has a shiny and glossy appearance and is highly toxic. Should it come into contact with your eyes, wash them immediately with cold water and soap for at least an hour.

3)  Rushlimbaum: Highly combustible, acidic, generates a lot of heat and gas. Often found in unusual nearly-spherical lumps. Radio-active.

4)  Clintonium: Has two well-known isotopes, Billium and Hillium. Billium is an important ingredient in Teflon and aphrodisiacs. Hillium is opaque and is believed to be unbreakable.

5)  Foxnewsium: Prolonged exposure may lead to permanent brain damage. Belongs to the group of mind-altering elements named GOPium.

6)  Barackobamum: Previously erroneously believed to be found in Kenya. Half-life is 4 years. Element number 44 in periodic presidential table.

7)  Honestpoliticium: Have never been observed outside of a lab, and even in laboratory conditions exists for only a fraction of a second before decaying.

8)  Bencarsonium: Brilliant but very dense. Widely used in medical science, but useless and possibly dangerous outside of it.

9)  ISISis: Highly aggressive. Mainly found in the remote areas of the Middle East. Repels alcohol and attracts a lot of free radicals.

10)  Rightwingium: Observed to have a violent reaction to almost everything, especially barackobamium and hillium. Occasionally a few electrons short of a nucleus. Forms strong chemical bonds with trumpium, bencarsonium, and foxnewsium.

Please feel free to add your own contribution to science.

 

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 60 Comments