This Friday, January 20th, will be the day of Donald Trump’s inauguration as the 45th president of the United States of America, making this Friday the worst start of the weekend EVER for millions of people. However, the Inauguration is traditionally a grand affair, made ten billion times grander by the fact that Donald Trump is the one being inaugurated, not some elitist who knows how the government works. Here are 10 things to expect from Donald Trump’s inauguration day.
1) The ceremony traditionally begins with the President-Elect and Vice President-Elect laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknowns at the Arlington Cemetery. Donald Trump is expected to follow the tradition, but then make a speech about how he thinks that these unknowns were total losers and he prefers those who had become famous.
2) Like all presidents before him, Donald Trump will take the Oath of Office, but is expected to change the oath language to the following: “Believe me, I will be the best president this country ever had, will unify all Americans who voted for me – and we’re gonna build that wall, believe me – and I will faithfully execute all my enemies whom I love, by the way. I swear that with the best of my ability – and I have the best ability, many people say – I will preserve, protect and defend myself from the Constitution of the United States, so help you God.”
3) To take the oath, Donald Trump will place his hand on the copy of the Art of the Deal by Donald Trump.
4) Within 10 minutes after taking the oath, Donald Trump will deny he ever took an oath of any kind.
5) All the proceedings of the inauguration ceremony will be translated into Russian out of gratitude to the Russian government that had not been helping Donald Trump in any way whatsoever.
6) Tons of very popular international celebrities will perform at the inauguration, including members of Donald Trump family, a bunch of singing Mormons, and that guy from that old TV show – you know, THAT guy! Tons of best known celebrities! Did I mention that guy from that TV show? He’ll be there!
7) The public celebration on the National Mall is expected to set a Guinness world record for the largest public gathering of racists, sexists, and idiots at the same place at the same time.
8) During the inauguration ball, Donald Trump will attempt to grab a… a quick dance with any woman around who is at least a nine, including the future First Lady Ivanka Trump and the future Third Lady Melania Trump.
9) Almost 50 Democratic lawmakers will boycott Donald Trump’s inauguration, probably to mark the selfless heroism of millions of Democrats who boycotted the November election.
10) In his first official act as the new president, Donald Trump will announce that to avoid any potential conflicts of interest he will transfer his ownership of the United States into a blind trust managed by Vladimir Putin.