10 Republican Proposals For Fixing The American Health Care System

“I can't help you, Mr. Sickman. See, I believe in laissez-fair economics and free-market solutions to everything, and I practice the same approach in medicine. Treating your infection would be an intrusion into your privacy and picking the favorites in the free-market competition between you body cells and the virus.”

“I can’t help you, Mr. Sickman. See, I believe in laissez-faire economics and free-market solutions to everything, and I apply the same approach in my medical practice. Treating your infection would be an intrusion into your privacy and would turn into picking the favorites in the free-market competition between your body and the virus. Oh, and you now owe me $35,000.”

There have been a lot of criticism coming from the Democratic party that Republicans want to repeal Obamacare without offering their own solutions to the expensive train wreck that is health care in the United States. (It’s more expensive and less covered than the expensive train wreck that it Justin Bieber’s career.) However, this criticism is utterly unjustified, because, first of all, Obamacare WAS the Republican solution for the health care crisis, and, second of all, Republicans have just released their own health care reform plan with plenty of sound suggestions. Here are 10 of their proposals.

1)  Repeal Obamacare: Sure, 9 million people would lose the insurance they’ve already gained through Obamacare, but that would be Obamacare’s fault for giving it to them, so it’s all good.

2)  Allow people to buy insurance across state lines, because insurance companies from a different state would never find out about your pre-existing conditions.

3)  Cut taxes for the top 1%: No matter how sick you are, and no matter what ails you, you would feel much better just knowing that these awesome job creators are busy creating more jobs somewhere in the world.

4)  Promote placebo treatments:  placebo is cheap and yet it works in about 10-30% of the cases, which is much more that could be said about the No Child Left Behind law.

5)  Allow men not to pay for maternity coverage in their policies, because males never do anything that might possibly cause pregnancy.

6)  Repeal Obamacare: Completely scrapping the Affordable Care Act will immediately lower the blood pressure and stress levels of millions of Tea Party members.

7)  No children should be covered by their parents’ health insurance, because relying on someone’s policy fosters a culture of dependency in children from the very early age.

8)  Ban the vaccines:  Even if vaccines don’t cause autism, they still result in people getting jabbed by sharp needles.

9)  Emergency rooms would become the default medical providers for people without health insurance.  A hospital would provide emergency assistance using aspirin and Band-Aids and would discharge the patients once they no longer complain about their pain. (Note: 99.9% of patients stop complaining about their pain after you put a Band-Aid over their mouth.)

10)  Repeal Obamacare:  Come on, people, the Republican party voted to repeal it around fifty times so far; did you really think that “Repeal Obamacare” would only show up here once?

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

97 Responses to 10 Republican Proposals For Fixing The American Health Care System

  1. Laura says:

    The real problem is that having health care coverage encourages people to spend too much on unnecessary medical procedures. You wouldn’t believe how many people go to the hospital for problems that they could solve themselves with a simple youtube search for “how to remove your own appendix” and a kitchen knife.


  2. You made an interesting comparison to Justin Bieber.

    Maybe if the Republicans came up with an alternative called Biebercare, it might go somewhere. Democrats can’t afford to alienate their younger voters by opposing Biebercare…


  3. 1jaded1 says:

    Last week I was driving in a snowstorm and had to avoid getting into an accident when i heard a parent revealing that her child could be helped with mental illness if she gave said child up to the government. Insurance wouldn’t cover a stay in the hospital bc the child was no longer homicidal/suicidal. So f*cked up. I don’t think one party is better than the other.


  4. john zande says:

    Placebo treatments are a fine idea! Hell, religion is big in America so its really no different 🙂


  5. I am in healthcare HELL. My current shoddy policy is being canceled because it doesn’t meet the minimum requirements of the Affordable Care Act. My Bride and I have spent our weekends combing through our options on the healthcare dot gov site and it ain’t pretty. Lots of sticker shock. High monthly premiums coupled with astronomical deductibles. In some cases, as much as $5K. How did this happen? DONE GET ME STARTED.

    All the GOP push-back has very little to do with the mechanics of Obamacare. It’s all on account of their deep-seeded and ever-growing hatred of Obama.


    • The Cutter says:

      Yes, it would be nice if opponents of Obamacare actually had solutions instead of just wanting to say “This sucks!”


      • List of X says:

        Actually, after all these years they have came out with some semblance of solution. And guess what, part of their solution is to raise taxes on those who get insurance from employer. That must be what they call “helping the middle class”.


    • List of X says:

      I am very sorry to hear about your predicament. (I assume you have checked out any subsidies, correct?)
      If I had any contacts with the Tea Party, I’d have given them your situation to use as an anti-Obamacare horror story, which could well result in Democrats jumping in to see if they can help make your situation somehow less horrible.


      • We may or may not be eligible for subsidies. It’s complicated and too boring to get into here.

        Normally, I’m violently opposed to being used as a propaganda tool but since desperate times call for desperate measures, feel free to pass along my contact info.


        • List of X says:

          As I said, I don’t have any special contacts, and I don’t think you’d want someone else posting your information on Tea Party sites (not that I have that much of your information). If you choose to do this desperate times/desperate measures path, you can pick Sarah Palin’s, Sean Hannity’s, Rush Limbaugh’s or any other prominent TP firebrand’s Facebook page and share as much of your story as you wish. But don’t forget to mention that you voted for Obama (I assume you did from the tone of your comment), they’ll love that.
          You may have to hold your nose the whole time, and you’d probably get a lot of gloating/stupid/mean and in general unhelpful comments, and there is no guarantee it would work. But don’t think of it as being used for propaganda. This would be taking the advantage of the two party system to actually get it to work for you. If Republicans can’t get Democrats to care about you, no one can.
          But before you do this, you might try https://localhelp.healthcare.gov/ (if you haven’t) to see if you can get any in-person help.


          • You are correct that I voted for Obama but I’m not opposed to voting for a Republican. I’ve done it in the past and would do it again. I’m not a party ideologist. Once you surrender yourself to a party, you lose your objectivity. I’ll think for myself, thank you.

            Thanks, TONS, for the link. I didn’t know about those guys. It’s a hard slog and I need all the help I can get. This internet thing can really come in handy. You meet people who have good information.


  6. I realize it would throw off your 10-count, but healthcare is a crisis issue, so I’m just putting this out there:

    11. Chicken soup in every pot.


  7. Trent Lewin says:

    X, I’m disturbed by your use of a Canadian icon such as Justin Bieber in your treatsie on the American Health Care System. Do not bring the Biebs into this. He is covered by our universal health care, and thus when he has his inevitable drug-related meltdown, we are going to take care of him stat, until he is ready to grace the world again with his ethereal tunes. Be ready.

    As a Canadian, I do not understand Obamacare and can’t comment on it. But we as Canadians remain steadfast in our terror of Republicans: they are scary monsters who are lurking under our softwood beds. Please keep them.


  8. This post nauseated me and drove my blood pressure up. Now WTF am I supposed to do?


  9. All I know is Obamacare ruined EVERYTHING even though everything was already screwed up to being with, Obamacare is evil. Because it has Obama in it. It would be even evil-er if you added gate to the end. Obamacaregate will directly proceed the apocalypse, which is what it would take for the Republicans to ever approve anything the Dems suggested, even if it was something directly benefiting them.


  10. Carrie Rubin says:

    I just read in article in the paper this morning about how it’s really too late to repeal Obamacare (duh), because the costs as well as the number of people negatively affected would be huge, so your post was a humorous companion piece. Now, if we could just shift the naysayers’ focus to fixing some of the problem areas of the law instead of desiring to go backwards, we could maybe move forward. Forward motion. Imagine that…


  11. dentaleggs says:

    Oh, give us the wisdom of Bill Hicks.


  12. you are a force of nature… and a farce of nature… you have evolved sarcasm into a nuclear weapon… too bad they don’t get sarcasm, but still… this was just the thing that they needed to hear to get them thinking about stuff… if they thought about stuff… or understood irony… or cared about health care… or poor people… or anything…. at all…


  13. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    “8) Ban the vaccines… ” I really wish you had a disclaimer on this one because some parents don’t want to immunize their children. 🙂 Good post, though.


  14. Elyse says:

    I’m all for banning vaccines, X. That will take care of the overpopulation problem, too!


  15. Mal Content says:

    Woman in Crowd: Where do we get these placebos?

    Man: Maybe there’s some in this truck!

    [the panicky crowd push over a truck, boxes labeled “danger killer bees” break open, the bees go everywhere and everyone panics, one man puts a bee in his mouth]

    Man: I’m cured! I mean, ouch!


  16. El Guapo says:

    I think the Republicans real problem here is that there’s no part of Obamacare that mandates inserting the entirety of government directly into a woman’s vagina.


  17. And now of all things, Tim Armstrong (Chairman and CEO of AOL) has claimed ACA is the reason for the cut in retirement and 401K benefits for all employees. Of course in the past four years his own salary has jumped from $3.22M to $12.07M.

    Great list as always.


    • List of X says:

      I haven’t heard about this (and I’m also shocked that AOL still exists), but ACA has been a very common excuse for screwing the workers. I think the most famous case was the Papa John Pizza’s CEO complaint that ACA will increase the price of pizza by a whopping 14 cents.


  18. bernasvibe says:

    Excellent list as always X..I’m sorry I showed up so late in the game..OMG..I was just wondering why you hadn’t written anything lately…Stopped in & realized I’ve missed about 4 of your posts..Again, either my reader isn’t working properly or more likely, I’ve so many people on my faves that I never get to the end of my reader list..I need an X alert lol, lol! Better yet I’ll just keep popping in when I don’t see anything for a bit.


    • List of X says:

      Once again, Berna, you’re not late. Whenever you make it here is a perfectly good time for me 🙂
      And I know you probably follow a lot of blogs now, so it’s easy to miss a blog or a few. I’m having trouble keeping up with all the reading myself.


      • bernasvibe says:

        If only I had more time..But, I’m sure everyone feels that way..I shall though stop in more often. Yours still to this day is my fave(no matter how many I follow) Real talk on current events is high on my priority list. Virtual high 5^..and ooo I didnt pick a fave one! Not breaking my streak on your blog…#1 is my fave, since that seems to be all they know how to do these days.


  19. mollytopia says:

    I love your lists so much. They also break my heart because there’s positively no denying how stupid people are. Sigh.


  20. John says:

    Reblogged this on AMERICAN LIBERAL TIMES and commented:
    I have always appreciated the insights of “List of X” and here is another fine article from a really great blog!


I can see you have something to say...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s