10 Reasons Why America Needs More Smog, Or Why Supreme Court Is So Important

Posted on February 24, 2016 by
This isn't smoke rising from the smokestacks, it's FREEDOM!

This isn’t smoke rising from the smokestacks, it’s FREEDOM!

Last weekend, Antonin Scalia, one of the nine Supreme Court Justices, had unexpectedly died at age 79, leaving the Supreme Court divided 4-4 between liberal and conservative justices. Republicans politicians insist that president Obama shouldn’t nominate anyone to replace Scalia until the new president is elected, which would keep the court completely deadlocked for at least a year. However, the Supreme Court is our last bastion of constitutional freedoms, and leaving it paralyzed would be devastating. Just to give one example of how important the Supreme Court is: in its last decision before Scalia’s death, the court blocked Obama administration’s regulations restricting air pollution from power plants. And here are 10 reasons why the Court’s decision to not regulate air pollution was so vital.

1) Thick smog around the house is one of the very few privacy protections American citizens still have left.

2) By blocking ultraviolet solar radiation, smog can prevent thousands of cases of skin cancer.

3) Also, in case there really is global warming, blocking the sunlight would the most effective way to cool down the planet and reverse the warming.

4) Banning air pollution will make it impossible for police departments to use tear gas whenever they like.

5) Smog provides natural defensive camouflage that makes it impossible for American enemies to locate and bomb American cities from above.

6) Smog creates jobs – if smog is banned, thousands of doctors specializing in respiratory system, and manufacturers of respirators and air filters would lose their jobs.

7) If the smog is toxic enough, it make us all healthier by killing all the Ebola and Zika viruses in the air.

8) Banning smog is tantamount to taking away the freedom of Americans to breathe whatever they like.

9) Clean air is overrated. How can you possibly appreciate something you can’t even see?

Note: this list contains only 9 items, since I guess I’m not supposed to add the last item because it’s an election year and a new president hasn’t been elected.

 

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 45 Comments

10 New Major Endorsements Won By Donald Trump

Posted on January 28, 2016 by
Donald Trump stands visibly uncomfortable while getting endorsed by Sarah Palin, because endorsement by Sarah Palin is probably like your own conception: you want it to happen, but don't want to be there when it happens.

Donald Trump stands visibly uncomfortable while getting endorsed by Sarah Palin. I guess endorsement by Sarah Palin is probably like your own conception: you want it to happen, but don’t want to be there when it happens.

Last week, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign had received a major boost when in a public appearance, former vice-presidential candidate and TV personality Sarah Palin went on raving and incoherent rant about Donald Trump and America, which most experts agreed constituted an endorsement of Donald Trump’s candidacy for president. But winning the coveted endorsement from Sarah Palin was just a start, and Trump has landed a lot of huge new endorsements from all kinds of people and organization. Here are 10 of these endorsements.

1) American Academy of Ophthalmology: “In his speeches, Donald Trump promises to be looking at a lot of things when he becomes president. Our organization recognizes and celebrates the utmost importance of looking at things, and supports any candidate who shares our values.”

2) Association of Bankruptcy Lawyers: “As people who have worked with Mr. Trump many times over the years, we are impressed by his perseverance and his ability to create hundreds of new jobs in many of our law firms. We believe that under Donald Trump’s leadership, America will enter a new chapter.”

3) Hair Club For Men: “Donald Trump cares about what’s important for our members. He knows all about growth, managing scarce resources, and his hair redistribution plan is just amazing.”

4) Mensa International Society: “Previously, we had required all applicants for membership in our organization to take an IQ test to prove their superior intelligence. However, thanks to Donald Trump, we have been able to greatly simplify the admissions process to simply look at prospective applicants’ Facebook comments mentioning Donald Trump.”

5) National Rifle Association: “Recent Trump’s comments that he could randomly shoot someone in the middle of a street and not lose votes prove that Donald Trump is serious about defending our constitutional right to randomly shoot people on the street.”

6) Donald Trump’s reflection in the mirror: “Look, I know Donald better than anyone else. I literally spend several hours every day with him. He isn’t some egotistical maniac people make him out to be. No, he’s the kindest, most selfless man alive – all he cares about is my needs and my wants.”

7) Neanderthals: “Ooogoo! Gooogoo! Ughh! Arrrhhhgoo! Trump yuuuge! Obama boo! Homo Sapiens go back! Go Trump!”  (Sorry, that may have been Sarah Palin’s endorsement again…)

8) Donald Trump’s Ex-Wife Association: “The choice to support Donald was a difficult one for our organization and many of our members had initially opposed it, but we ultimately decided to endorse Donald Trump for president, because we can’t possibly rob America of this amazing sense of hope and happiness the country would be filled with as soon as Donald’s term is over.”

9) Coalition for Mexican Immigrants Rights: “You may be surprised that we chose to endorse Donald Trump after he had promised to build a giant wall on the border with Mexico. However, where do you think President Trump is going to find the workers he needs to build this wall?”

10) American Comedian Guild: “Did you hear the joke about Donald Trump? Well, we got about a million more of them, and we’re not going to run out of them until at least 2025.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

10 New Chemical Elements Scientists Could Have Added To Periodic Table

Posted on January 14, 2016 by
Scientists use huge machines like this one to smash existing elements to try to create new elements. This obsession with smashing stuff is obviously hinting at some deep-seated aggression issues.

Scientists use huge machines like this one to smash existing elements into each other to try to create new elements. This obsession with smashing stuff is obviously hinting at some deep-seated aggression issues.

Last week, American, Russian, and Japanese scientists have announced that they have discovered four new chemical elements and added them to the periodic table. The new elements don’t actually exist in nature and were created by the scientists in a lab. So, since we’re basically making up new elements as we go, here are 10 more new elements that could have been added, with their chemical properties.

1)  Trumpium: Boiling point is well below room temperature. Quickly sucks up all the oxygen in any enclosed area. Highly self-absorbent.

2)  Kardashium: Has a shiny and glossy appearance and is highly toxic. Should it come into contact with your eyes, wash them immediately with cold water and soap for at least an hour.

3)  Rushlimbaum: Highly combustible, acidic, generates a lot of heat and gas. Often found in unusual nearly-spherical lumps. Radio-active.

4)  Clintonium: Has two well-known isotopes, Billium and Hillium. Billium is an important ingredient in Teflon and aphrodisiacs. Hillium is opaque and is believed to be unbreakable.

5)  Foxnewsium: Prolonged exposure may lead to permanent brain damage. Belongs to the group of mind-altering elements named GOPium.

6)  Barackobamum: Previously erroneously believed to be found in Kenya. Half-life is 4 years. Element number 44 in periodic presidential table.

7)  Honestpoliticium: Have never been observed outside of a lab, and even in laboratory conditions exists for only a fraction of a second before decaying.

8)  Bencarsonium: Brilliant but very dense. Widely used in medical science, but useless and possibly dangerous outside of it.

9)  ISISis: Highly aggressive. Mainly found in the remote areas of the Middle East. Repels alcohol and attracts a lot of free radicals.

10)  Rightwingium: Observed to have a violent reaction to almost everything, especially barackobamium and hillium. Occasionally a few electrons short of a nucleus. Forms strong chemical bonds with trumpium, bencarsonium, and foxnewsium.

Please feel free to add your own contribution to science.

 

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 60 Comments

10 Reasons Why Federal Government Should Not Fight Terrorist Invasion, I Mean, Patriotic Takeover In Oregon

Posted on January 8, 2016 by
Peaceful protesters Image source: Oregon live

Malheur standoff: a peaceful protest as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment.
Image source: Oregon live

Last Saturday, a group of armed militiamen had occupied the visitor center, museum, and gift shop in the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in eastern Oregon. This was a protest over federal government jailing a couple of local ranchers for setting fire on federal land, and as of now, the protesters are still there. The gunmen were led by Ammon Bundy, winner of Best Serial Killer Name contest and a son of Nevada rancher who almost started a civil war in over his refusal to pay for use of federal land (More on that here). The media had pointed out that if these gunmen were black, Muslim, or Hispanic, they would be referred to as “thugs”, “terrorists”, or “narco-cartels”, respectively, and the feds wouldn’t hesitate to use extreme violence to crush their, respectively – riot, insurgency, or invasion. So while bloodthirsty liberals demand that the government wipes out these peaceful protesters, here are 10 reasons why the feds shouldn’t do that.

1)  While these peaceful thugs… I mean, radical patriots… are holed up in the middle of nowhere, we can be sure they won’t be causing any mischief anywhere else.

2)  The occupiers spend a lot of time in the forests and mountains, don’t follow the norms of the civilized society, and therefore have every right to be at the wildlife refuge.

3)  These people are not terrorists. It’s not like they’re threatening people with guns unless their demands are met and their comrades are released from prison… oh wait…

4)  It’s possible that the protesters just got lost on the way, because real American patriots never take orders from a talking box made in China.

5)  These patriots are the only ones who can defend America against migratory birds who come from Mexico and Canada, stealing our worms and crapping all over our great country.

6)  The Occupy Nowhere movement has a constitutional right to protest tyranny – and the way every museum has to be exited through the gift shop is the very definition of tyranny. Also, the extortionate gift shop prices are a major contributor to the decline of the middle class.

7)  Feds cannot plan an attack, because it is impossible to tell how many militants are actually in the compound since their white Ku Klux Klan robes make them almost invisible in the snow.

8)  Also, the feds can just wait for the winter to really kick in, and then just easily pry the occupiers’ guns from their cold, dead hands.

9)  Even with feds doing nothing, the Fox News can turn the refuge into a Civil War battle site, thus increasing the number of potential visitors and providing extra money for the environment.

10)  The refuge occupation has a lot of public support. In fact, since all county schools have been closed as a result of the standoff, the occupation enjoys a 92% approval rating within the crucial 6 to 18 county demographic.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 59 Comments

10 Things You Must Immediately Stop Doing Because They Are Exactly What ISIS Wants

Posted on December 24, 2015 by
"What do we want?" "The Things!" "When do we want them?" "Now!"

“What do we want??”
“YOU TO DO THE THINGS!”
“When do we want it?”
“NOW!”

In the last few months, a lot of people, including many in the media and in the Obama administration, have been arguing that certain things, like demonizing Muslims or refusing Syrian refugees, are exactly what ISIS wants, and if we want to defeat ISIS, we must stop doing these things.  Therefore, whenever you’re thinking of doing anything, you should always consider whether it might be something that ISIS wants. Unfortunately, it may be difficult to contact your nearest ISIS representative to get clear guidance on whether they would approve of your action or not, but, apparently, ISIS wants to radicalize all Muslims, and kill all non-Muslims, so ISIS would want us to do whatever things that helps them reach these two objectives. So to help you, here are 10 of the things that ISIS wants and we therefore must immediately stop doing.

1)  Arguing we should refuse any Syrian refugees: According to the Obama administration, closing the border to Syrian refugees would force them to radicalize, which would play right into ISIS’ hands. Therefore, if we want to deny ISIS the access to thousands of radicalized extremists, we need to take in the very people who are most likely to radicalize – even better if they’ve already radicalized. This is why the proposed refugee vetting process will be so important.

2)  Binge-watching Netflix while binge-eating ice-cream and Cheetos: Sedentary lifestyle and heart disease are the largest killers of Americans. I imagine ISIS can’t wait for you to plop on the couch in front of your TV and click on the next episode of Scandal.

3)  Driving to work: Automobile accidents kill thousands of Americans every year, so tell your boss you won’t come to work because that would be exactly what ISIS wants.

4)  Demanding that we fight ISIS with airstrikes and troops on the ground: ISIS wants to drag the West into a full-scale war, because it helps them raise the profile of their organization and radicalize more Muslims.

5)  Owning a gun: Statistically, if you own a gun, you’re about a thousand times more likely to get shot with it than to actually use it to defend yourself against an Islamic terrorist, thus saving ISIS the effort of actually training terrorists.

6)  Criticizing people who draw cartoons of prophet Muhammad for offending Muslims: This isn’t just what ISIS wants, it’s what ISIS actually does.

7)  Taking care of the environment: ISIS is planning to establish a worldwide caliphate, so they obviously want the planet to remain habitable.

8)  Saying “Merry Christmas”: This excludes and alienates Muslims, which can lead to their radicalization. (However, saying “Happy Holidays” instead radicalizes Christians, who then in turn get angry at Muslims, thus once again radicalizing Muslims. Oh, and I hope you’re not planning to solve this dilemma by staying home and watching Netflix.)

9)  Going to a Christmas or New Years parties: Going to parties during the height of the flu season helps spread germs. Don’t become an unwitting biological warfare pawn of ISIS.

10)  Ignoring this post and not sharing it on social media: ISIS wants to be taken seriously, and simply by reading this post you’re doing your part in the fight against ISIS.

Feel free to add more things we need to stop doing. And Merry Chr…  ummm… I mean, Happy Ho…ermmm… Joyful Days Off to you all!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 62 Comments

10 Reaction to The Climate Change Agreement

Posted on December 18, 2015 by
scorched_earth1

If the global warming trends continue, this is what the North Pole is predicted to look like in a few decades. Image source: meic.org

Last weekend, after long and difficult negotiations, representatives from 195 countries agreed to historic plan to lower the carbon emissions and slow down the climate change. The signers included countries from as large as the United States and China to tiny island nations like Nauru that could disappear due to the rising sea levels. It’s not exactly clear what the agreement will actually accomplish, since while the countries set the goals to reduce the greenhouse gas emissions, there is nothing that would enforce these goals – which is kind of like making prison optional for bank robbers as long as they promise to not rob any more banks. But at least it’s better than nothing and gives some hope to those who are concerned about the global warming – or adds to angst of those who think global warming is a hoax. Here 10 of the reactions to the climate change agreement.

1) Marco Rubio, Republican Senator: “I think this is a terrible deal. Frankly, any deal is a failure if it doesn’t repeal Obamacare and doesn’t stop Iran from building nuclear bombs.”

2) Donald Trump, reality TV star: “Obama is a weak leader and an incompetent negotiator. If I were doing the negotiating, I would negotiate the planet right back into the ice age!”

3) Ted Cruz, Republican Senator: It might be possible that this global warming is real, which is why we should immediately nuke the Middle East. Not only this bombing would destroy ISIS, but an added benefit is that a nuclear war would lead to nuclear winter, which is the only thing that can successfully lower the global temperatures.

4) Baron Waca, President of Nauru: We’re glad that there is an agreement, but since it’s not binding, we’re still ordering the life rafts.

5) North American Association of Polar Bears: “Do they have these life rafts in white?”

6) Rush Limbaugh, major greenhouse gas emitter: “I don’t think we need to worry about global warming, and it’s certainly not man-made. It’s all just natural cycles – basic science says that whenever there is a global warming in the North Hemisphere, there’s a global cooling in the Southern Hemisphere, and vice versa.”

7) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “I really hope this agreement fails, or there goes our hope for finally making Siberia habitable.”

8) U.S. Chamber of Commerce: “This deal will cost jobs – and not just thousands of jobs of coal miners and oil workers. Think of the millions of potential jobs that could be created rebuilding the cities and infrastructure ravaged by constant floods due to rising sea levels!

9) Pete Roleum, oil industry analyst: “As bad as this agreement might be for the industry, it’s good that it’s happening now – when the price of oil is as low as it is now, it probably makes more economic sense for the oil companies to pump the oil back into the ground.”

10) Ben Carson, amateur historian: “I don’t think global warming is real. And even if it is, we don’t have to worry about it, because we can just store all the snow we need in the pyramids.”

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 47 Comments

10 Actual Reasons Why America Has So Many Mass Shootings (Nope, Not Guns!)

Posted on December 9, 2015 by
How can you even say that this cutest thing could possibly be responsible for something as heinous as a mass shooting???

How can you even say that something this cute could possibly be responsible for something as heinous as a mass shooting???

Last week, a high-profile mass shooting in California made headlines – but by some counts, there have already been over 300 mass shootings this year alone. As always, liberals are pushing the crazy idea that the easy access to guns is causing all these shootings. But if you ask the people who know guns, and I mean, really, really know guns – own them, shoot them, spend every waking moment with them, and at night have nightmares that Obama will take them away – they will tell you that it’s not the guns that are causing these tragedies. So here are 10 actual reasons why America has so many mass shootings.

1)  Mental illness: Mental illness is the huge problem causing gun violence. For example, the majority of the U.S. Senate just voted to allow people on terrorist watch list to buy guns (yes, really), and, clearly, no sane person could have possibly voted this way.

2)  Not enough good guys are armed: The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Obviously, we don’t want to arm bad people who go on murderous rampages, which is why it is crucial to let these people buy as many firearms as possible while they are still law-abiding citizens who haven’t broken any laws yet.

3)  Foreign immigrants: It’s a well-known fact that there were zero mass shootings in America until immigrants from Europe arrived in the 16th-17th century.

4)  Ban on fully automatic weapons: Basic math says that a good guy armed with a machine gun that can shoot 900 bullets per minute can prevent 15 mass shootings every second.

5)  Barack Obama: A lot of mass shootings are caused by Obama. The only reason the media isn’t seriously looking into this is because they just lazily put him into the same category with the rest of the foreign immigrants.

6)  American exceptionalism: Because America is Number 1, it’s the duty of every American patriot to do everything possible to keep America at the top spot by every metric, including the number of mass shootings.

7)  Gang violence: A lot of shootings are the result of the actions of various lawless and murderous organizations like Crips, Bloods, Hells Angels, or Chicago police.

8)  People: Guns don’t kill, people kill. Which is why the Republican party, by trying to dismantle Obamacare, cut Medicare, repeal environmental protections is being the only party that is earnestly trying to prevent mass shootings by being tough on people.

9)  God’s will: All mass shootings are a part of God’s plan, and we must accept them as a part of life and shouldn’t get angry about them. Unless, of course, a shooting was caused by foreign immigrants, in which case it’s definitely not a part of God’s plan and we must avenge the victims by nuking all other countries and deporting all Muslims.

10)  Illegally purchased guns: A lot of guns are bought illegally, and liberals who want to impose more restrictions on gun sales are going about it completely wrong, because people will keep breaking laws. No, the only guaranteed way to end illegal gun sales once and for all is to make all gun sales legal.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 90 Comments