10 Reasons Why Federal Government Should Not Fight Terrorist Invasion, I Mean, Patriotic Takeover In Oregon

Peaceful protesters Image source: Oregon live

Malheur standoff: a peaceful protest as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment.
Image source: Oregon live

Last Saturday, a group of armed militiamen had occupied the visitor center, museum, and gift shop in the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in eastern Oregon. This was a protest over federal government jailing a couple of local ranchers for setting fire on federal land, and as of now, the protesters are still there. The gunmen were led by Ammon Bundy, winner of Best Serial Killer Name contest and a son of Nevada rancher who almost started a civil war in over his refusal to pay for use of federal land (More on that here). The media had pointed out that if these gunmen were black, Muslim, or Hispanic, they would be referred to as “thugs”, “terrorists”, or “narco-cartels”, respectively, and the feds wouldn’t hesitate to use extreme violence to crush their, respectively – riot, insurgency, or invasion. So while bloodthirsty liberals demand that the government wipes out these peaceful protesters, here are 10 reasons why the feds shouldn’t do that.

1)  While these peaceful thugs… I mean, radical patriots… are holed up in the middle of nowhere, we can be sure they won’t be causing any mischief anywhere else.

2)  The occupiers spend a lot of time in the forests and mountains, don’t follow the norms of the civilized society, and therefore have every right to be at the wildlife refuge.

3)  These people are not terrorists. It’s not like they’re threatening people with guns unless their demands are met and their comrades are released from prison… oh wait…

4)  It’s possible that the protesters just got lost on the way, because real American patriots never take orders from a talking box made in China.

5)  These patriots are the only ones who can defend America against migratory birds who come from Mexico and Canada, stealing our worms and crapping all over our great country.

6)  The Occupy Nowhere movement has a constitutional right to protest tyranny – and the way every museum has to be exited through the gift shop is the very definition of tyranny. Also, the extortionate gift shop prices are a major contributor to the decline of the middle class.

7)  Feds cannot plan an attack, because it is impossible to tell how many militants are actually in the compound since their white Ku Klux Klan robes make them almost invisible in the snow.

8)  Also, the feds can just wait for the winter to really kick in, and then just easily pry the occupiers’ guns from their cold, dead hands.

9)  Even with feds doing nothing, the Fox News can turn the refuge into a Civil War battle site, thus increasing the number of potential visitors and providing extra money for the environment.

10)  The refuge occupation has a lot of public support. In fact, since all county schools have been closed as a result of the standoff, the occupation enjoys a 92% approval rating within the crucial 6 to 18 county demographic.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 59 Comments

10 Things You Must Immediately Stop Doing Because They Are Exactly What ISIS Wants

"What do we want?" "The Things!" "When do we want them?" "Now!"

“What do we want??”
“YOU TO DO THE THINGS!”
“When do we want it?”
“NOW!”

In the last few months, a lot of people, including many in the media and in the Obama administration, have been arguing that certain things, like demonizing Muslims or refusing Syrian refugees, are exactly what ISIS wants, and if we want to defeat ISIS, we must stop doing these things.  Therefore, whenever you’re thinking of doing anything, you should always consider whether it might be something that ISIS wants. Unfortunately, it may be difficult to contact your nearest ISIS representative to get clear guidance on whether they would approve of your action or not, but, apparently, ISIS wants to radicalize all Muslims, and kill all non-Muslims, so ISIS would want us to do whatever things that helps them reach these two objectives. So to help you, here are 10 of the things that ISIS wants and we therefore must immediately stop doing.

1)  Arguing we should refuse any Syrian refugees: According to the Obama administration, closing the border to Syrian refugees would force them to radicalize, which would play right into ISIS’ hands. Therefore, if we want to deny ISIS the access to thousands of radicalized extremists, we need to take in the very people who are most likely to radicalize – even better if they’ve already radicalized. This is why the proposed refugee vetting process will be so important.

2)  Binge-watching Netflix while binge-eating ice-cream and Cheetos: Sedentary lifestyle and heart disease are the largest killers of Americans. I imagine ISIS can’t wait for you to plop on the couch in front of your TV and click on the next episode of Scandal.

3)  Driving to work: Automobile accidents kill thousands of Americans every year, so tell your boss you won’t come to work because that would be exactly what ISIS wants.

4)  Demanding that we fight ISIS with airstrikes and troops on the ground: ISIS wants to drag the West into a full-scale war, because it helps them raise the profile of their organization and radicalize more Muslims.

5)  Owning a gun: Statistically, if you own a gun, you’re about a thousand times more likely to get shot with it than to actually use it to defend yourself against an Islamic terrorist, thus saving ISIS the effort of actually training terrorists.

6)  Criticizing people who draw cartoons of prophet Muhammad for offending Muslims: This isn’t just what ISIS wants, it’s what ISIS actually does.

7)  Taking care of the environment: ISIS is planning to establish a worldwide caliphate, so they obviously want the planet to remain habitable.

8)  Saying “Merry Christmas”: This excludes and alienates Muslims, which can lead to their radicalization. (However, saying “Happy Holidays” instead radicalizes Christians, who then in turn get angry at Muslims, thus once again radicalizing Muslims. Oh, and I hope you’re not planning to solve this dilemma by staying home and watching Netflix.)

9)  Going to a Christmas or New Years parties: Going to parties during the height of the flu season helps spread germs. Don’t become an unwitting biological warfare pawn of ISIS.

10)  Ignoring this post and not sharing it on social media: ISIS wants to be taken seriously, and simply by reading this post you’re doing your part in the fight against ISIS.

Feel free to add more things we need to stop doing. And Merry Chr…  ummm… I mean, Happy Ho…ermmm… Joyful Days Off to you all!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 62 Comments

10 Reaction to The Climate Change Agreement

scorched_earth1

If the global warming trends continue, this is what the North Pole is predicted to look like in a few decades. Image source: meic.org

Last weekend, after long and difficult negotiations, representatives from 195 countries agreed to historic plan to lower the carbon emissions and slow down the climate change. The signers included countries from as large as the United States and China to tiny island nations like Nauru that could disappear due to the rising sea levels. It’s not exactly clear what the agreement will actually accomplish, since while the countries set the goals to reduce the greenhouse gas emissions, there is nothing that would enforce these goals – which is kind of like making prison optional for bank robbers as long as they promise to not rob any more banks. But at least it’s better than nothing and gives some hope to those who are concerned about the global warming – or adds to angst of those who think global warming is a hoax. Here 10 of the reactions to the climate change agreement.

1) Marco Rubio, Republican Senator: “I think this is a terrible deal. Frankly, any deal is a failure if it doesn’t repeal Obamacare and doesn’t stop Iran from building nuclear bombs.”

2) Donald Trump, reality TV star: “Obama is a weak leader and an incompetent negotiator. If I were doing the negotiating, I would negotiate the planet right back into the ice age!”

3) Ted Cruz, Republican Senator: It might be possible that this global warming is real, which is why we should immediately nuke the Middle East. Not only this bombing would destroy ISIS, but an added benefit is that a nuclear war would lead to nuclear winter, which is the only thing that can successfully lower the global temperatures.

4) Baron Waca, President of Nauru: We’re glad that there is an agreement, but since it’s not binding, we’re still ordering the life rafts.

5) North American Association of Polar Bears: “Do they have these life rafts in white?”

6) Rush Limbaugh, major greenhouse gas emitter: “I don’t think we need to worry about global warming, and it’s certainly not man-made. It’s all just natural cycles – basic science says that whenever there is a global warming in the North Hemisphere, there’s a global cooling in the Southern Hemisphere, and vice versa.”

7) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “I really hope this agreement fails, or there goes our hope for finally making Siberia habitable.”

8) U.S. Chamber of Commerce: “This deal will cost jobs – and not just thousands of jobs of coal miners and oil workers. Think of the millions of potential jobs that could be created rebuilding the cities and infrastructure ravaged by constant floods due to rising sea levels!

9) Pete Roleum, oil industry analyst: “As bad as this agreement might be for the industry, it’s good that it’s happening now – when the price of oil is as low as it is now, it probably makes more economic sense for the oil companies to pump the oil back into the ground.”

10) Ben Carson, amateur historian: “I don’t think global warming is real. And even if it is, we don’t have to worry about it, because we can just store all the snow we need in the pyramids.”

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10 Actual Reasons Why America Has So Many Mass Shootings (Nope, Not Guns!)

How can you even say that this cutest thing could possibly be responsible for something as heinous as a mass shooting???

How can you even say that something this cute could possibly be responsible for something as heinous as a mass shooting???

Last week, a high-profile mass shooting in California made headlines – but by some counts, there have already been over 300 mass shootings this year alone. As always, liberals are pushing the crazy idea that the easy access to guns is causing all these shootings. But if you ask the people who know guns, and I mean, really, really know guns – own them, shoot them, spend every waking moment with them, and at night have nightmares that Obama will take them away – they will tell you that it’s not the guns that are causing these tragedies. So here are 10 actual reasons why America has so many mass shootings.

1)  Mental illness: Mental illness is the huge problem causing gun violence. For example, the majority of the U.S. Senate just voted to allow people on terrorist watch list to buy guns (yes, really), and, clearly, no sane person could have possibly voted this way.

2)  Not enough good guys are armed: The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Obviously, we don’t want to arm bad people who go on murderous rampages, which is why it is crucial to let these people buy as many firearms as possible while they are still law-abiding citizens who haven’t broken any laws yet.

3)  Foreign immigrants: It’s a well-known fact that there were zero mass shootings in America until immigrants from Europe arrived in the 16th-17th century.

4)  Ban on fully automatic weapons: Basic math says that a good guy armed with a machine gun that can shoot 900 bullets per minute can prevent 15 mass shootings every second.

5)  Barack Obama: A lot of mass shootings are caused by Obama. The only reason the media isn’t seriously looking into this is because they just lazily put him into the same category with the rest of the foreign immigrants.

6)  American exceptionalism: Because America is Number 1, it’s the duty of every American patriot to do everything possible to keep America at the top spot by every metric, including the number of mass shootings.

7)  Gang violence: A lot of shootings are the result of the actions of various lawless and murderous organizations like Crips, Bloods, Hells Angels, or Chicago police.

8)  People: Guns don’t kill, people kill. Which is why the Republican party, by trying to dismantle Obamacare, cut Medicare, repeal environmental protections is being the only party that is earnestly trying to prevent mass shootings by being tough on people.

9)  God’s will: All mass shootings are a part of God’s plan, and we must accept them as a part of life and shouldn’t get angry about them. Unless, of course, a shooting was caused by foreign immigrants, in which case it’s definitely not a part of God’s plan and we must avenge the victims by nuking all other countries and deporting all Muslims.

10)  Illegally purchased guns: A lot of guns are bought illegally, and liberals who want to impose more restrictions on gun sales are going about it completely wrong, because people will keep breaking laws. No, the only guaranteed way to end illegal gun sales once and for all is to make all gun sales legal.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 90 Comments

10 Reactions To Syrian Refugee Crisis

American protesters are greeting the Syrians with some hate and bigotry, so that the refugees from the civil wars and sectarian violence would feel right at home.

American protesters greeting the Syrians with some hate and bigotry, so that the refugees from the land scarred by the civil wars and sectarian violence would feel right at home.

As a result of the Syrian civil war and various other conflicts, there are over ten million displaced persons worldwide, and recently the United States had offered to accept 10,000 Syrian refugees on humanitarian grounds. However, after recent terrorist attacks in Paris, many American politicians demanded that these Syrian refugees are blocked from entering the country, because the fact that no Syrian refugees were involved in the Paris attacks must mean that they’re just planning to attack somewhere else. The other side of the debate is just as adamant that unless we take the refugees they will radicalize and join ISIS – because it’s logical to expect that the people who are running away from ISIS would be happy to join ISIS. The debate continues to rage, and here are 10 reaction to the refugee crisis.

1) 30 Republican Governors:  “We don’t want any Syrian refugees in our states, not even five-year-olds. Haven’t you been watching the news? It’s like every week there is another story how a five-year-old gets a hold of a gun and shoots someone.”

2) John Kerry, Secretary of State: “We must welcome Syrian refugees, because otherwise they will radicalize and join ISIS. And by taking 10,000 of the refugees into our country, we leave only 14,990,000 potential recruits for ISIS which will surely deprive them of victory.”

3) Salman bin Abdulaziz, king of Saudi Arabia: “We hear that American politicians are criticizing us for not accepting any Syrian refugees. But all your Christian fundamentalists keep saying that the Middle East should become more Christian – and by refusing to take any refugees, we’re doing exactly what Christian America is doing. So why are you still unhappy?”

4) Marco Rubio, Republican senator: “Since we’re at war with radical Islam, we need to close any places that could make Muslims radicalize and hate America, like the mosques or Fox News.”

5) Barack Obama: “We want to help the people who had suffered from war and torture by bringing them here to America, the only country free from wars and torture. Remember, in America, we call it ‘defending our freedom’ and ‘enhanced interrogation’.”

6) Ted Cruz, Republican senator: “We don’t need any more people who are plotting a violent overthrow of American government and plan to turn the country into a theocracy. We here at the Tea Party don’t need no competition.”

7) Howard Woodson, historian: “The media insists that it would be un-American to deny shelter to the Syrian refugees. However, America had exterminated Native Americans, enslaved blacks, banned Chinese, interned Japanese, and condemned Jews to death in WWII. So, in fact, it would be un-American to treat the Syrians as human beings.”

8) Jeb Bush, Republican presidential candidate: “Yeah, the State Department insists that they would vet every refugee. However, the problem with the vetting process is that inevitably, some people might actually make it through the vetting process.”

9) John Brennan, CIA director: “All refugee candidates will go through a rigorous 18 to 24 month vetting process, with background checks, dozens of forms to be filed, and multiple interviews with DHS, State Department, USCIS, CIA, NSA, FBI, IRS, DMV, etc.. Unfortunately, that’s more than sufficient to fill every admitted refugee with burning hatred for American bureaucracy and America in general.”

10) Statue of Liberty: “It says in my book, ‘Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free’, and so on. But I am just an immigrant from Europe myself, so since when does my opinion matter?”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 55 Comments

10 Minor Changes Republican Presidential Candidates Want To Make To Future Debates

Reportedly, the Republican candidates are now forming a labor union to use the power of collective bargaining.

Reportedly, the Republican candidates are now forming a labor union with the slogan “Presidential candidates of the world, unite!”

Last week, CNBC channel had hosted the third Republican presidential debate, and the candidates haven’t been too happy with the way the network handled it. Nearly every campaign has complained how unfair questions from the debate moderators did not allow the candidates to showcase their toughness, readiness to face the challenges, and the idea of personal responsibility.  So the Republican campaigns got together and decided to issue a list of demands that TV networks would have to meet if they ever hope to host any future debates. Here are 10 very minor changes that Republican candidates would like TV networks to make in the future debates.

1)  Fact checkers should not be allowed to fact-check candidates’ statements, and if they even show up in the audience, should be arrested for trying to influence an election.

2)  No “gotcha questions” will be allowed, such as any questions related to economy, foreign policy, or social issues.

3)  Every debate moderator must be male, because no woman should be allowed to question Republican candidates, and should just vote as her husband tells her to.

4)  When asking a question, a debate moderator must stand on his knees and not make eye contact with any of the candidates. He must refer to each candidate as “Master” or “Your Grace”.

5)  The temperature in the hall must be kept under 67 degrees F, so that there would be no reason for anybody to bring up global warming.

6)  Each candidate should have equal speaking time during the debate. None of that “inequality is the engine of growth” idiocy should be applied to any of the candidates.

7)  TV cameras must not show any of the candidates from behind, especially when a candidate is consulting his or her notes, or is responding to his or her puppet strings.

8)  TV cameras should not show any close ups of the audience unless at least one black person is visible on the screen. TV camera must not pan over from one audience section to the next until the black person had already moved to that next section.

9)  The debate should last no more than two hours, allow all fifteen Republican candidates to be on stage, and give each of them at least 30 minutes of speaking time. Oh, and don’t bother arguing that these numbers don’t add up – the candidates have been using the same math in all Republican budgets for ages so it’s got to work.

10)  At least 20 minutes should be set aside for burning effigies of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Posted in List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 80 Comments

10 Outrageously Offensive Halloween Costumes That No One Should Ever Wear Again

The latest offensive outfit, worn by one of the many offsprings of the Kardashian clan. It's hard to say what's more offensive: whether it's the fact that the outfit was called an "Eskimo", or whether no one whether

The latest offensive outfit, worn by one of the many offsprings of the Kardashian clan.
It’s hard to say what’s more offensive: whether it’s the fact that the outfit was called an “Eskimo”, or whether in Eskimo language this would even be called an “outfit”, or whether it’s the fact that a Kardashian is wearing it.

There are many well-known traditions associated with Halloween – carving pumpkins, decorating houses, trick-or-treating, and wearing costumes to Halloween parties. Most of those traditional activities take place on or before Halloween, but there is a relatively recent traditional Halloween activity that takes place immediately after Halloween, namely, looking at the photos of people wearing Halloween costumes and getting outraged about this or that disgraceful Halloween costume being offensive for this or that legitimate reason. Since there are so many different Halloween costumes that can be offensive, here is a list of 10 especially offensive costumes that you should never wear again, and must immediately burn in a fire (started with fair trade organic firewood, of course).

1)  Princess costume: This pretentious costume perpetuates the sham of wealth inequality and absolutist trampling of human rights.

2)  Any costume involving “blackface” (painting the face black to look like African American): This applies to “blackfacing” even a part of a face, such as applying mascara, dark eye shadow or black lipstick.

3)  A costume of any superhero: Unquestionably, any superhero costume is demeaning to regular cowards.

4)  Ghost or Zombie costume: These costumes promote objectification of dead people. Dead people are people, too, and should never be seen as objects.

5)  Cowboy costume: This costume glorifies the murder of Native Americans and destruction of Native American culture, and therefore offensive to Native Americans – as opposed to the Native American costume which is offensive to Native Americans because it mocks the Native American culture. I realize this is confusing, but according to the modern standards of cultural tolerance it is inconceivable that anyone could possibly want to glorify the Native American culture.

6)  Peanuts character costume: Offensive to any person with allergies.

7)  Pirate costume: Since today’s piracy is a big problem off the coast of Africa, a pirate costume is obviously racist.

8)  Luke Skywalker costume: This costume sets unrealistic expectation in boys and teaches them that all problems can be solved by using the force.

9)  Elf, Hobbit, Dwarf, or any other Lord of The Rings-related costume: These reprehensible costumes celebrate the genocide against the Orcs and the near complete eradication of the Orc culture.

10)  Red Riding Hood: This costume manages to be insensitive at once to color-blind people, wolf enthusiasts, vegetarians, and people with gluten intolerance.

Feel free to add more offensive costumes to the list, or, if you don’t know why a certain outfit is offensive, ask me and I will try to explain.

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 74 Comments