10 Reactions To Alabama Senate Election 

Posted on December 21, 2017 by

Last week, there was a special election for the US Senate seat in Alabama, where Roy Moore, a Republican, former chief justice of Alabama supreme court, and an accused child molester, has lost a close election to Doug Jones, a Democrat. The election result came as a shock, because Democrats have not won any statewide elections in Alabama in decades. So here are 10 reactions to the election results. (I realize that this post is a little behind the times, but then so is the whole state of Alabama).

1) James Carville, political strategist: “This was a unique election, since it marked the first time in recorded history when people in New York and San Francisco actually cared about something happening in Alabama.”

2) Roy Moore: “Look, if those silly fake allegations did not make me quit this race, Jones’s so-called victory won’t stop me from staying in this race as long as it takes, either!”

3) National Organization for Women: “Unfortunately, Democrats blew Alabama’s last good chance to send Roy Moore somewhere far away from the Alabama’s teenagers.”

4) Ted Crockett, Roy Moore’s spokesman: “This was a coordinated left-wing hit job. Why did those women come out now, 40 years later? A little too convenient for Jones, I’ll say. They should have come out before, back when Roy Moore was the chief justice of the state supreme court and had every Alabama prosecutor and police chief on his speed dial.”

5) Donald Trump: “Roy who? I never endorsed this guy Moore. I don’t even know him. Believe me, I’ve never even heard the name Alabama – what is this place? I did beat Clinton there by over 30 points, by the way, it was tremendous, historical victory, but I’ve never heard of this Alibamia before today.”

6) National Pedophile Association Of America: “We were initially very excited about having Roy Moore in this election. However, judge Moore’s response to the sex allegations had showed that he wasn’t sufficiently interested in defending his convictions as a child molester, which made a lot of people worry that he wouldn’t be committed to the Republican principles either.”

7) Steve Bannon, former Trump advisor, current angry white guy: “The election was rigged! It is unfair that Roy Moore was forced to run against someone who wasn’t an accused pedophile!”

8) John Merrill, Alabama Election Commissioner: “This was a very intense election, with unbelievable turnouts and get-out-the-vote efforts. I saw that Roy Moore personally driving dozens of people to the polls, but, unfortunately, most turned out to be too young to vote.”

9) Red Knecke, Roy Moore supporter: “It was the lying fake news media that smeared the honorable judge’s good name! We’re supposed to have a presumption of innocence in this country! We have to assume the alleged criminal is innocent until he is proven to be a Democrat!”

10) Doug Jones, senator-elect: “Uh… I guess I better tell the guys at my job that I’ll be giving my notice. I mean, seeing how Democrats never win in Alabama, I didn’t think I’d have to bother even telling them I was running. And I guess I’ll have to make up some sort of a political program, too, other than not being a pervert.”

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Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

10 Way How Republican Tax Reform Will Make America Great Again

Posted on November 23, 2017 by

The Republicans had hoped to simplify the tax code, but the code will actually become even more complicated due to the pressure from the powerful calculator lobby.
Image source: HowStuffWorks

The Republican majorities in the Senate and the House of Representatives have released their long-awaited tax plans, and although the two plans differ in the details, both are based on the idea that the richest people in America are so desperately poor that the rest of us need to pay more in taxes and borrow $1.5 Trillion over the next decade to provide additional government assistance to them. Although Democrats are outraged over this tax reform, the Republican tax plan will actually help America in many ways. Here are just 10 of them.

1)  The plan gives the largest tax cuts to the richest people, because the more money rich people have, the more jobs they create. Imagine if one single person had all of America’s money while everyone else had nothing – this man could create hundreds of jobs all by himself!

2)  Small businesses would get much-deserved tax breaks and subsidies. (Small businesses will be defined by the bill as those businesses paying little or no federal tax at all, such as General Electric or United Airlines.)

3)  The tax reform will raise taxes on graduate students by up to 400%. This plan will ensure that only the smartest and the fittest graduate students will survive and the weak will be weeded out, all without wasting valuable resources on edewkayshen.

4)  The bill will repeal the estate tax, because we should not punish the success of children of millionaires in outliving their parents!

5)  There will be no more personal exemptions allowed for individual taxpayers: this change will finally codify the idea that only corporations should be considered “persons”.

6)  The plan provides a tax break for the private jet owners to encourage billionaires and millionaires to fly more on their private airplanes. This will reduce both the traffic congestion, and the usage of the government planes by the many billionaires and millionaires in the Trump administration.

7)  The simplified tax forms will fit on a postcard, but you’d need to be able to write in really tiny letters to fill it all in. And thanks to the recent Equifax hack, you no longer need to worry about having your Social Security number on the postcard out in the open.

8)  The plan will entice large corporations that hide their money from the US taxes in the offshore tax havens to finally pay their tax bill by offering them double what they would owe if they pay the bill.

9)  The reform will close tax loopholes and excessive deductions. The details have not been finalized, but it would be whatever YOU benefit from.

10)  Finally, the tax reform will prevent wealth redistribution by taking the money from the middle class and the poor and giving it to the rich.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 34 Comments

10 Tremendously Compassionate Phone Calls President Trump Made To Families Of Fallen Soldiers

Posted on October 20, 2017 by

“We’ll get to your son in a minute, but have you heard how big the crowds at my inauguration were? Huge, tremendous crowds, biggest in history!”
Image source: thesun.co.uk

Recently, yet another Trump-related controversy has erupted as Donald Trump has accused former presidents Obama and George W. Bush of never calling the families of soldiers killed in the line of duty to express their condolences. Patting himself on the back, Trump said that he likes to call when it’s appropriate (although, judging by his Twitter feed, it’s not clear if Donald Trump actually knows the meaning of the word “appropriate”). However, recordings of many of Donald Trump’s tremendously compassionate calls out to the families of the fallen soldiers have been leaked to this blog. Here are 10 of them.

1)  “Let me just start by saying that this is a very difficult call for me to make. I’m at a golf course right now, tremendous golf course, first class, but the phone connection is a total disaster here, so you have no idea how unbelievably difficult this was for me to call you. Anyway, your son’s dead, oh, and I gotta get back to the game now. MAGA!”

2)  “…I want to thank your son for his service to me, I mean, to the United States of America, even though he’s Puerto Rican. What? Puerto Rico is America? That’s fake news! Really? Seriously, no one knew Puerto Rico was part of America!..”

3)  “…Just wanted to give my warmest condolences because I heard your son got killed. Although, honestly, I like those who don’t get killed…”

4)  “…This your president Donald Trump speaking… what do you mean, this isn’t a good time for you to talk right now?… What funeral? I call when it’s appropriate for me, and I don’t know why you people keep crying and having funerals when I call you, but when the president of the United States of America is calling you, it’s kind of a big deal! You people should be grateful and honored!”

5)  “…I got kids of my own, you know. Great kids. They got amazing genes, really smart, so they didn’t want go to the military like your kid…”

6)  “…You should be honored that your family’s death toll was just one, not like a real disaster like the World War Two or Three!”

7)  “…They showed me your girl’s picture, she was a pretty good-looking one. Tremendous body. At least an eight, maybe even a nine. Definitely not a ten, though. Does she have a younger sister? I bet she’s even hotter. But not as hot as Ivanka. I’d still date her, probably. Just don’t tell my wife Menalia or what’s-her-name…”

8)  “…I just want to say that I really appreciate your kid’s sacrifice. If there’s anything your family needs, like a border wall, a Muslim ban, a tremendous tax cut on estates, I can make it happen. I can throw in some paper towels, too, people in Puerto Rico loved them…”

9)  “…So this is very sad news, I mean, these military funerals are expensive, and we got all this yuge hundred trillion dollar debt from Obama, a total failure as the president, by the way, worst president ever, but we’re getting this amazing, unbelievable growth, so this is totally unfair that we have to increase our debt to pay for your funeral…”

10)  “…Hi, it’s me, just leaving a message since I haven’t been able to reach you. I’m gonna need your guys again to hack a bunch of total crooks, yuge pains in the ass, and maybe the failing CNN and New York Times, and I’ll owe you, as usu… What? This isn’t Putin’s number? Who did you dial? Some soldier? Ah, fu…” (dial tone)

 

Posted in List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments

10 Ways How Donald Trump Is Helping Hurricane Harvey Recovery

Posted on August 30, 2017 by

“What’s your WiFi password? I need to send some emergency tweets about fake news and the 2016 election. Also, why do they say it was a category 4 hurricane? It was a tremendous, magnificent hurricane. It’s got to be at least a 9.”

As the hurricane Harvey devastated Texas, president Donald Trump has sprung into action to help the disaster area – which, by the way, was a total disaster. Not satisfied with tweeting from a golf course, he arrived yesterday to Texas in person to talk about how great were the crowds at his stopovers and how amazing, historic, and unprecedented the storm was, almost like his 2016 election victory. While many people criticized his visit as a useless PR stunt, Donald Trump actually took many concrete actions to speed up the recovery. Here are just 10 of them.

1) Personally oversaw the delivery of the emergency shipment of 20 thousand Confederate general statues.

2) Had his wife Melania wear sharp-tipped stiletto heels to poke holes in the ground as she walks to improve the drainage of the floodwaters.

3) Generously offered to house the victims who lost their homes in his magnificent Trump-brand hotels, starting from just $399 per person per night.

4) Promised to cut all regulations on oil and coal: the nation urgently needs global warming now, because the higher temperatures will make the floodwaters evaporate faster.

5) Refused to meet any actual storm victims because he hates losers and wants to inspire the winning spirit in Texans.

6) When talking about the hurricane and the rescuers trying to deal with the storm’s aftermath, Donald Trump made sure to call out the devastation and flooding caused by the many sides. Many sides! He also pointed out that there were many fine clouds within the storm front.

7) Made lots of speeches about his stunning election victory to make the nation again remember that hurricane Harvey might not be not the most the biggest problem facing the country right now.

8) Demanded additional $200 billion from Congress to build a border wall 10 miles high so that hurricanes can no longer enter the country illegally.

9) Signed an executive order declaring the Harvey response efforts a huge success.

10) Spent barely three hours on the ground in Texas far away from Houston, and promptly headed off to a campaign rally elsewhere.

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10 Reasons Why Trump Administration Is Walking Away From Paris Climate Deal

Posted on June 7, 2017 by

Instead of walking away from the Paris deal, Donald Trump is riding away from the deal instead, because walking is too taxing and produces too little CO2.

Last week, Donald Trump has announced that the United States will no longer honor the agreement to reduce the greenhouse gas emissions which the world’s countries reached in Paris in 2015. The agreement had aimed to limit the global temperature increase to 1.5 degrees Celsius above the pre-industrial levels, and in his speech, president Trump blasted the deal as both draconian and non-binding, which apparently makes it especially devious. Here are 10 reasons why Trump administration is leaving the agreement.

1) America doesn’t measure temperatures in centigrade, so a global warming of 1.5C wouldn’t apply to us.

2) With Donald Trump being in charge of America’s nuclear weapons, a nuclear winter is more probable than the global warming.

3) Last few days have been unusually cool, so clearly the global warming must already be over.

4) Since Air Force One is burning tons of fuel to ferry Donald Trump back and forth to his Florida resort every week, the US can’t possibly meet any kind of CO2 emission standards.

5) If the United States remains committed to lowering its greenhouse emissions, other countries will enjoy an unfair economic advantage of not being flooded by the rising seas.

6) When Trump made a deal with the Air conditioner maker Carrier to save hundreds of jobs last year, he promised Carrier a much warmer climate to increase the demand for air conditioners.

7) Trump towers are so tall that Donald Trump doesn’t care about any rising sea levels.

8) Trump has promised that he will negotiate a much better climate deal directly with the CO2.

9) China and India are going to cheat on the agreement anyway – and Trump’s “America First” motto means that America should get to do that first.

10) Trump’s Education Secretary Betsy DeVos has calculated that 1.5 degrees is a really small angle and no one would even notice it anyway.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments

10 Oscars Donald Trump Should Have Won (But Was Robbed By Failed Liberal Hollywood Elites)

Posted on February 27, 2017 by

Did you see what happened last night in Hollywood? The failed Hollywood elites have given each other all those fake gold Oscar statues for all these very overrated mediocre films no one ever watches, and even some black people – who are terrific, by the way, Violet Davis, Mohammed Ali, both bigly better than Frederick Douglass – but they obviously won because of the affirmative action! Yet world’s biggest star, the very yuuugest celebrity, Donald Trump, didn’t get a single Oscar! It’s a total disgrace! No doubt the Oscars were rigged, and Justice Department will be looking into that shortly. Donald Trump should have won at least 10 Oscars! At least these ones:

1. Best Supporting Male: For being so fantastic and dedicated to supporting Vladimir Putin.

2. Best Visual Effects: For presenting all Muslims as jihad-obsessed terrorists hell-bent on beheading every white American.

3. Best Animation: No one before has ever made rural white voters more animated than Donald Trump.

4. Best Short Feature: For Donald Trump’s fingers, tied with Donald Trump’s temper.

5. Best Female Lead: For being such a great leader who attracts so many terrific-looking females.

6. Best Costumes: Nordstrom such a failure, can’t appreciate how great are the costumes made by Ivanka Trump. They are fantastic, the best, and no one makes costumes with less forced child labor than her!

7. Best Foreign Picture: For painting a vividly horrifying picture of Sweden as a failed state overrun by barbaric brown people.

8. Best Editing: For outstanding achievement in taking the news out of context.

9. Best Sound Effects: For being the first ever to successfully use dog whistles, screams of rage, and unintelligible word salad to win the presidency.

10. Best Original Screenplay: For “I know words, I have the best words”.

Finally, any Oscar won by the movie Fences (which is by the way, only one, a total failure) should have been given to Donald Trump, because he will build a big beautiful wall, which is way better than some failing fences.

Posted in List of 10, Satire, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 46 Comments

10 Reactions To Betsy DeVos’ Confirmation As Secretary Of Education

Posted on February 10, 2017 by
Betsy Devos's goal will be to give parents a lot more say in educating their kids. And since parents get the most input if they educate their kids on their own, her plan would make homeschooling the only way to give your kids a good education. Image source: NYTimes

Betsy Devos’s wants to give parents a lot more say in educating their kids. And since parents get the most say when they educate their kids on their own, her plan would make homeschooling the only way to give your kids a good education.
Image source: NYTimes

This Tuesday, the Senate has voted to confirm a billionaire/activist Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education, despite the fact that she has no relevant education or experience, other than lobbying for more charter and religious schools, and donating millions of dollars to politicians. Oh, and she thinks schools need guns for protection against grizzlies. The vote was very close and Vice President Mike Pence had to be briefly released from the storage where he has been kept since the inauguration to cast the tie-breaking vote. Here are 10 reactions to her confirmation.

1)  Ivanka Trump: “Betsy DeVos is a great role model for girls, and her example, like mine, shows that any girl can achieve anything she sets her mind to, as long as her dad has a couple of billion dollars.”

2)  Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary: “Here are the facts, you disgusting excuses for journalism. Write them down because you’re not gonna find these facts anywhere else! First of all, Betsy DeVos has a PhD in education from Hogwarts, second, she had very successfully ran the department of education in Gotham City, and third, her students include such great people like Frederick Douglass!”

3)  Mitch McConnell, Senate majority leader: “I don’t know why Democrats are complaining that the system of checks and balances has failed. The system is working as intended: the DeVos family wrote a lot of checks, and it balanced the nominee’s incompetence.”

4)  Donald Trump, Twitter addict: “Betsy DeVos is terrific. Look, the dishonest media is severely underreporting the number of attacks by grizzlies. This is a huge problem! There are many thousands of grizzlies in America and none of them has been vetted! It’s too bad she’s only a six, maybe six and a half, but she will be very tough on grizzlies! By the way, tomorrow I’m signing an executive order to ban immigration from all grizzly-majority countries!”

5)  Lamar Alexander, Republican Senator: “Let’s be fair, a lot of kids hate schools, and it would be refreshing to have someone who shares their feelings, and in a position where she could finally do something about it.”

6)  Greg Romm, immigration lawyer: “I get tons of calls about Trump’s executive order to block all new refugees. But to be completely honest, if someone as unqualified as DeVos can easily pass the government’s vetting process for one of the most important jobs in America, it’s obvious that our government’s vetting process for the refugees must also be a complete joke.”

7)  Steve Bannon, acting president: “All of Obama’s Education Secretaries kept droning on about standards, standards, standards. We don’t need no stinking standards! All those spelling and grammar rules are really just tyrannical and unconstitutional restrictions on our freedom of speech.”

8)  Kellyanne Conway, professional factmaker: “The Democrats and the media have no right to criticize Betsy DeVos! She absolutely deserves our respect and admiration, being a survivor of the Bowling Green Massacre!”

9)  Mike Pence, Vice President: “Every study says that the more education someone has, the more likely they are to be a Democrat.  Obviously, education is the real problem here, and our Betsy is a real problem-solver.”

10)  Betsy DeVos: “I’m truly honored to assume the position of Secretary of Education, but isn’t it more proper for the title to be called ‘Administrative Assistant of Education’?”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments