10 Ways How Donald Trump Is Helping Hurricane Harvey Recovery

“What’s your WiFi password? I need to send some emergency tweets about fake news and the 2016 election. Also, why do they say it was a category 4 hurricane? It was a tremendous, magnificent hurricane. It’s got to be at least a 9.”

As the hurricane Harvey devastated Texas, president Donald Trump has sprung into action to help the disaster area – which, by the way, was a total disaster. Not satisfied with tweeting from a golf course, he arrived yesterday to Texas in person to talk about how great were the crowds at his stopovers and how amazing, historic, and unprecedented the storm was, almost like his 2016 election victory. While many people criticized his visit as a useless PR stunt, Donald Trump actually took many concrete actions to speed up the recovery. Here are just 10 of them.

1) Personally oversaw the delivery of the emergency shipment of 20 thousand Confederate general statues.

2) Had his wife Melania wear sharp-tipped stiletto heels to poke holes in the ground as she walks to improve the drainage of the floodwaters.

3) Generously offered to house the victims who lost their homes in his magnificent Trump-brand hotels, starting from just $399 per person per night.

4) Promised to cut all regulations on oil and coal: the nation urgently needs global warming now, because the higher temperatures will make the floodwaters evaporate faster.

5) Refused to meet any actual storm victims because he hates losers and wants to inspire the winning spirit in Texans.

6) When talking about the hurricane and the rescuers trying to deal with the storm’s aftermath, Donald Trump made sure to call out the devastation and flooding caused by the many sides. Many sides! He also pointed out that there were many fine clouds within the storm front.

7) Made lots of speeches about his stunning election victory to make the nation again remember that hurricane Harvey might not be not the most the biggest problem facing the country right now.

8) Demanded additional $200 billion from Congress to build a border wall 10 miles high so that hurricanes can no longer enter the country illegally.

9) Signed an executive order declaring the Harvey response efforts a huge success.

10) Spent barely three hours on the ground in Texas far away from Houston, and promptly headed off to a campaign rally elsewhere.

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10 Reasons Why Trump Administration Is Walking Away From Paris Climate Deal

Instead of walking away from the Paris deal, Donald Trump is riding away from the deal instead, because walking is too taxing and produces too little CO2.

Last week, Donald Trump has announced that the United States will no longer honor the agreement to reduce the greenhouse gas emissions which the world’s countries reached in Paris in 2015. The agreement had aimed to limit the global temperature increase to 1.5 degrees Celsius above the pre-industrial levels, and in his speech, president Trump blasted the deal as both draconian and non-binding, which apparently makes it especially devious. Here are 10 reasons why Trump administration is leaving the agreement.

1) America doesn’t measure temperatures in centigrade, so a global warming of 1.5C wouldn’t apply to us.

2) With Donald Trump being in charge of America’s nuclear weapons, a nuclear winter is more probable than the global warming.

3) Last few days have been unusually cool, so clearly the global warming must already be over.

4) Since Air Force One is burning tons of fuel to ferry Donald Trump back and forth to his Florida resort every week, the US can’t possibly meet any kind of CO2 emission standards.

5) If the United States remains committed to lowering its greenhouse emissions, other countries will enjoy an unfair economic advantage of not being flooded by the rising seas.

6) When Trump made a deal with the Air conditioner maker Carrier to save hundreds of jobs last year, he promised Carrier a much warmer climate to increase the demand for air conditioners.

7) Trump towers are so tall that Donald Trump doesn’t care about any rising sea levels.

8) Trump has promised that he will negotiate a much better climate deal directly with the CO2.

9) China and India are going to cheat on the agreement anyway – and Trump’s “America First” motto means that America should get to do that first.

10) Trump’s Education Secretary Betsy DeVos has calculated that 1.5 degrees is a really small angle and no one would even notice it anyway.

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10 Oscars Donald Trump Should Have Won (But Was Robbed By Failed Liberal Hollywood Elites)

Did you see what happened last night in Hollywood? The failed Hollywood elites have given each other all those fake gold Oscar statues for all these very overrated mediocre films no one ever watches, and even some black people – who are terrific, by the way, Violet Davis, Mohammed Ali, both bigly better than Frederick Douglass – but they obviously won because of the affirmative action! Yet world’s biggest star, the very yuuugest celebrity, Donald Trump, didn’t get a single Oscar! It’s a total disgrace! No doubt the Oscars were rigged, and Justice Department will be looking into that shortly. Donald Trump should have won at least 10 Oscars! At least these ones:

1. Best Supporting Male: For being so fantastic and dedicated to supporting Vladimir Putin.

2. Best Visual Effects: For presenting all Muslims as jihad-obsessed terrorists hell-bent on beheading every white American.

3. Best Animation: No one before has ever made rural white voters more animated than Donald Trump.

4. Best Short Feature: For Donald Trump’s fingers, tied with Donald Trump’s temper.

5. Best Female Lead: For being such a great leader who attracts so many terrific-looking females.

6. Best Costumes: Nordstrom such a failure, can’t appreciate how great are the costumes made by Ivanka Trump. They are fantastic, the best, and no one makes costumes with less forced child labor than her!

7. Best Foreign Picture: For painting a vividly horrifying picture of Sweden as a failed state overrun by barbaric brown people.

8. Best Editing: For outstanding achievement in taking the news out of context.

9. Best Sound Effects: For being the first ever to successfully use dog whistles, screams of rage, and unintelligible word salad to win the presidency.

10. Best Original Screenplay: For “I know words, I have the best words”.

Finally, any Oscar won by the movie Fences (which is by the way, only one, a total failure) should have been given to Donald Trump, because he will build a big beautiful wall, which is way better than some failing fences.

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10 Reactions To Betsy DeVos’ Confirmation As Secretary Of Education

Betsy Devos's goal will be to give parents a lot more say in educating their kids. And since parents get the most input if they educate their kids on their own, her plan would make homeschooling the only way to give your kids a good education. Image source: NYTimes

Betsy Devos’s wants to give parents a lot more say in educating their kids. And since parents get the most say when they educate their kids on their own, her plan would make homeschooling the only way to give your kids a good education.
Image source: NYTimes

This Tuesday, the Senate has voted to confirm a billionaire/activist Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education, despite the fact that she has no relevant education or experience, other than lobbying for more charter and religious schools, and donating millions of dollars to politicians. Oh, and she thinks schools need guns for protection against grizzlies. The vote was very close and Vice President Mike Pence had to be briefly released from the storage where he has been kept since the inauguration to cast the tie-breaking vote. Here are 10 reactions to her confirmation.

1)  Ivanka Trump: “Betsy DeVos is a great role model for girls, and her example, like mine, shows that any girl can achieve anything she sets her mind to, as long as her dad has a couple of billion dollars.”

2)  Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary: “Here are the facts, you disgusting excuses for journalism. Write them down because you’re not gonna find these facts anywhere else! First of all, Betsy DeVos has a PhD in education from Hogwarts, second, she had very successfully ran the department of education in Gotham City, and third, her students include such great people like Frederick Douglass!”

3)  Mitch McConnell, Senate majority leader: “I don’t know why Democrats are complaining that the system of checks and balances has failed. The system is working as intended: the DeVos family wrote a lot of checks, and it balanced the nominee’s incompetence.”

4)  Donald Trump, Twitter addict: “Betsy DeVos is terrific. Look, the dishonest media is severely underreporting the number of attacks by grizzlies. This is a huge problem! There are many thousands of grizzlies in America and none of them has been vetted! It’s too bad she’s only a six, maybe six and a half, but she will be very tough on grizzlies! By the way, tomorrow I’m signing an executive order to ban immigration from all grizzly-majority countries!”

5)  Lamar Alexander, Republican Senator: “Let’s be fair, a lot of kids hate schools, and it would be refreshing to have someone who shares their feelings, and in a position where she could finally do something about it.”

6)  Greg Romm, immigration lawyer: “I get tons of calls about Trump’s executive order to block all new refugees. But to be completely honest, if someone as unqualified as DeVos can easily pass the government’s vetting process for one of the most important jobs in America, it’s obvious that our government’s vetting process for the refugees must also be a complete joke.”

7)  Steve Bannon, acting president: “All of Obama’s Education Secretaries kept droning on about standards, standards, standards. We don’t need no stinking standards! All those spelling and grammar rules are really just tyrannical and unconstitutional restrictions on our freedom of speech.”

8)  Kellyanne Conway, professional factmaker: “The Democrats and the media have no right to criticize Betsy DeVos! She absolutely deserves our respect and admiration, being a survivor of the Bowling Green Massacre!”

9)  Mike Pence, Vice President: “Every study says that the more education someone has, the more likely they are to be a Democrat.  Obviously, education is the real problem here, and our Betsy is a real problem-solver.”

10)  Betsy DeVos: “I’m truly honored to assume the position of Secretary of Education, but isn’t it more proper for the title to be called ‘Administrative Assistant of Education’?”

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10 Terrific Things To Expect At Donald Trump’s Big League Inauguration

Donald Trump will Make Inauguration Great Again! Image source: National Review

Donald Trump will Make Inauguration Great Again!
Image source: National Review

This Friday, January 20th, will be the day of Donald Trump’s inauguration as the 45th president of the United States of America, making this Friday the worst start of the weekend EVER for millions of people. However, the Inauguration is traditionally a grand affair, made ten billion times grander by the fact that Donald Trump is the one being inaugurated, not some elitist who knows how the government works. Here are 10 things to expect from Donald Trump’s inauguration day.

1)  The ceremony traditionally begins with the President-Elect and Vice President-Elect laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknowns at the Arlington Cemetery. Donald Trump is expected to follow the tradition, but then make a speech about how he thinks that these unknowns were total losers and he prefers those who had become famous.

2)  Like all presidents before him, Donald Trump will take the Oath of Office, but is expected to change the oath language to the following: “Believe me, I will be the best president this country ever had, will unify all Americans who voted for me – and we’re gonna build that wall, believe me – and I will faithfully execute all my enemies whom I love, by the way.  I swear that with the best of my ability – and I have the best ability, many people say – I will preserve, protect and defend myself from the Constitution of the United States, so help you God.”

3)  To take the oath, Donald Trump will place his hand on the copy of the Art of the Deal by Donald Trump.

4)  Within 10 minutes after taking the oath, Donald Trump will deny he ever took an oath of any kind.

5)  All the proceedings of the inauguration ceremony will be translated into Russian out of gratitude to the Russian government that had not been helping Donald Trump in any way whatsoever.

6)  Tons of very popular international celebrities will perform at the inauguration, including members of Donald Trump family, a bunch of singing Mormons, and that guy from that old TV show – you know, THAT guy! Tons of best known celebrities! Did I mention that guy from that TV show? He’ll be there!

7)  The public celebration on the National Mall is expected to set a Guinness world record for the largest public gathering of racists, sexists, and idiots at the same place at the same time.

8)  During the inauguration ball, Donald Trump will attempt to grab a… a quick dance with any woman around who is at least a nine, including the future First Lady Ivanka Trump and the future Third Lady Melania Trump.

9)  Almost 50 Democratic lawmakers will boycott Donald Trump’s inauguration, probably to mark the selfless heroism of millions of Democrats who boycotted the November election.

10)  In his first official act as the new president, Donald Trump will announce that to avoid any potential conflicts of interest he will transfer his ownership of the United States into a blind trust managed by Vladimir Putin.



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10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Is Not Attending Intelligence Briefings

From the very first briefing, Donald Trump was annoyed to find out during the daily intelligence briefings the FBI would provide neither a daily stack of new adoring articles about Donald Trump, nor the information about those who criticizing Trump online and where they live. Image source: poluticususa

During the the very first intelligence briefing, Donald Trump was annoyed to find out that the FBI isn’t planning to provide a daily stack of new adoring articles about Donald Trump, nor the information about those who criticizing Trump online and where they live.
Image source: poluticususa

As all winners of presidential elections before him, Donald Trump gets daily intelligence briefings from the CIA and the FBI. However, according to the news reports, he has been actually attending these daily briefings only about once a week or so. Here are 10 reasons why Donald Trump is skipping most of his intelligence briefings.

1)  Donald Trump doesn’t believe that anyone can possibly have more intelligence than he does.

2)  Donald Trump finds it extremely difficult and frustrating to keep having to enter the access code to the briefing room with his tiny fingers.

3)  Donald Trump doesn’t need daily briefings because he is getting by-the-minute reports from the MPAS (Many People Are Saying).

4)  Donald Trump expects the CIA to send all the briefing materials to his Twitter account – since Donald Trump doesn’t use a private email server like Hillary Clinton did, this method should be considered fully secure.

5)  The intelligence agencies refuse to let Donald Trump’s kids into their security briefings. And since Ivanka, Eric, and Don Junior now run Donald Trump’s empire, they absolutely need to know all the classified information available to Donald Trump to be sure that they aren’t accidentally using any classified information while making business decisions.

6)  Donald Trump doesn’t care what individual Muslim radicals group might be up to because once he’s the president, he’s planning to just nuke all the Muslims anyway.

7)  Donald Trump knows that the best way to avoid accidentally tweeting classified information is to never learn any classified information in the first place.

8)  There is no use in worrying about something terrible that might or might not happen, when it would be so much easier to just blame Obama later for letting it happen.

9)  He doesn’t want to accidentally blurt out his secret plan to defeat ISIS to the CIA during a briefing, fearing that the Obama administration steals his plan, quickly defeats ISIS, and takes all the credit.

10)  He is already getting all his intelligence from the KGB.


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10 Arrangements In Tremendously Great Deal Donald Trump Made With Carrier To Save Tons Of Jobs

During his tour of a Carrier factory, Donald Trump personally tested a Carrier air conditioner.

During his tour of a Carrier factory, Donald Trump personally tested a Carrier air conditioner.

Last week, Donald Trump has announced that thanks to his amazing deal-making skills he had persuaded Carrier Corporation to change its decision to outsource a thousand jobs from its Indiana plants to Mexico, and keep these jobs in the United States instead. A few days later, Carrier announced that they will be getting $7 million worth of tax breaks from Indiana as the part of the deal and will still outsource (or as they call it, “export”) 1,300 jobs from Indiana to Mexico. Although many people don’t see how all this makes an amazing deal for America, this was obviously a very complicated deal with a lot of moving parts and many stakeholders, and only someone with the yuuge brainpower of Donald Trump could have arranged something as tremendous as this amazing deal. Just so that the rest of us could appreciate the pure deal-making genius that was required, here are 10 lesser-known arrangements that have been included in this amazing deal.

1)  Carrier Corporation will become official supplier of cooling and heating systems to the White House. Therefore, whenever sh!t would hit the fan for the Trump administration, it would be a Carrier fan.

2)  Mexico: After getting 1300 jobs, Mexico made it clear to the Trump administration that if Donald Trump continues to fight the outsourcing of American jobs to Mexico as successfully as in this deal, they might just be willing to pay for that border wall as a sign of gratitude.

3)  All Americans will receive free 950 additional hours of TV coverage of Donald Trump bragging about how amazing he is at everything.

4)  The cast of hit Broadway musical Hamilton: Although recently Donald Trump has placed the Hamilton actors at the top of his enemies list for mortally insulting Vice President-elect Mike Pence by daring to address him from the stage, as a part of the deal Donald Trump will agree to forget his feud with the musical. This arrangement was inserted at the insistence of Donald Trump’s three minute attention span.

5)  State of Indiana: Since outgoing governor Mike Pence and other top Republican leaders of Indiana are big proponents of the idea of a smaller government, they will be $7 milion closer to their dream.

6)  Indiana taxpayers: Although they will have to subsidize Carrier with $7 million in tax breaks, getting rid of Mike Pence has to be worth much more than that.

7)  U.S. Chamber of Commerce: Since Carrier still ends up “exporting” 1300 jobs, they get to claim that Donald Trump is already increasing American exports.

8)  Trump voters: They get a sense of vindication and satisfaction for their vote, because Donald Trump is already making good on his promise to end business as usual. While “business as usual” meant that companies used to simply outsource jobs, now they will be getting millions of dollars to outsource jobs.

9)  1,300 Carrier workers whose jobs were “exported”: Thanks to Donald Trump’s supreme negotiation skills, he immediately negotiated away the idea of executing these people and convinced Carrier to merely let them go to fend for themselves.

10)  United Technologies, a parent organization of Carrier and a major US defense contractor: Received assurances from Donald Trump that he will do everything in his power to steer more military contracts towards United Technologies, up to and including starting a World War III.


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