10 Personal Thoughts About The Results Of The 2016 Election

After a brief conversation with Barack Obama, Donald Trump is coming to a terrible realization that this president job isn't going nearly as fun as he'd hoped. Image source: CNN

After a brief conversation with Barack Obama, Donald Trump is coming to a gut-wrenching realization that this president job isn’t going nearly as fun as he’d hoped.
Image source: CNN

Unless you have been hiding under a rock somewhere, you must have heard that Donald Trump had unexpectedly defeated Hillary Clinton in the November 2016 presidential election (unless you’ve been hiding under a rock precisely because you have heard).  After the first shock has dissipated, I’ve collected my thoughts about the election – and then numbered them, as I usually do.

1)  Dear Clinton supporters: Stop calling America stupid. First, just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t make them stupid. Second, not only Donald Trump did not win the majority of votes, he lost the popular vote to Hillary Clinton, so if you want to call anyone stupid, that credit should go to the Founding Fathers who invented that abomination called “the Electoral College”. And third, if you had been telling Sanders supporters that Hillary is sure to win by a landslide so they should just get with her, what does that make you?
(This was a trick question, the correct answer is “Wrong”. See point #1.)

2)  Dear Canada: Hire more immigration agents. Like, a lot. Like, right now. I have a hunch you’re going to need them. Maybe think about building a wall. We have a guy who says he can do it.

3)  Dear Trump supporters: Congratulations are in order. But now it’s your turn to be disappointed when the president doesn’t deliver on his promises. Let’s just say that the wall on the border is probably not going to get built until after pigs learn to fly or after Donald Trump releases his tax returns, whichever comes earlier.

4)  Dear mainstream media: You’ve done such an excellent job of convincing the voters that Hillary Clinton is guaranteed to win that I’m surprised that anyone even bothered to show up to cast a vote for her.

5)  Dear people who chose not to vote, or voted for a third party because you didn’t want to pick the lesser of two evils: I respect your position, I do, and I hope you’ll enjoy the evil we picked out for you.

6)  Dear Republican party: You now have the presidency, the House, and the Senate majority. However, after a 7 year advanced master class in Senate filibusters, I guess that Democrats at the very least owe you the same courtesy. So now you’ll get to complain that you have the mandate, and it’s unfair that a minority can block a majority, and so on, while the Democrats get the fun job of prattling about “checks and balances” while accomplishing nothing useful.

7)  Dear Donald Trump: Congratulations! You have proved that the media and establishment support, money, ground game, and all that stuff thought to be necessary to win a major campaign is really not. I hope you’ll be a better president we were expecting you to be, and, in a bit advice, don’t ever, ever, ever use email. As it turns out, we as a nation are willing to overlook fraud, tax evasion, and sexual assault, but not ever using the wrong email account.

8)  Dear Hillary Clinton: ….well….. at least, the good news is, no one is going to care anymore about your emails or what exactly the Clinton Foundation does. Also, I think there might be some other members of your family who haven’t ran for president yet, maybe they could try next time.

9)  Dear President Obama: Thank you, you’ve done a pretty decent job as the president. But don’t think that your service will be over on January 20, 2017 – you are still going to be the one to get blamed for anything that goes wrong at least until 2021.

10)  Dear America: This was interesting. Let’s do this again in four years? Only with all different candidates, okay?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 43 Comments

10 Reasons Why America Is Not Ready For A Female President

A fun fact: 80% of the people who believe that America is not ready to have a female president had voted for Sarah Palin as a Vice President to a 75 year old man. Image source: merger.com

A fun fact: 80% of the people who believe that America is not ready to have a female president had voted for Sarah Palin as a Vice President to a 75 year old man.
Image source: merger.com

The election is just a day away, and Hillary Clinton is still ahead in the polls, despite the combined efforts of the Republican party, the FBI, Wikileaks and Russian hackers. However, she is only up by a couple of percentage points, and in a recent speech President Obama had suggested that Clinton is losing some support because many voters are sexist and refuse to vote for a woman. However, these voters aren’t sexist, they merely recognize the reality that America is simply not ready for a female president. Here are 10 reasons why:

1)  If a woman becomes the American president, the title of the most powerful man in the world will by default go to Russia’s Vladimir Putin.

2)  Since a woman’s last name is usually different than the last name in her birth certificate, her birth certificate is probably fake.

3)  Even though Barack Obama has been president for almost eight years, about a third of the country is still not ready for a black president.

4)  Since an average woman makes only 78% of what an average man makes, a female president is 22% more likely to be bribed.

5)  If America elects a female president, our country will become just one of dozens of countries that have or have had a female head of state. If America wants to protect our American exceptionalism, we must keep electing male presidents.

6)  A switch from a black male president to a white female president would be too radical for the country to handle, and the transition should be gradual with a black female president serving at least one term between these two.

7)  Because women live longer than men, there’s a stronger incentive for a female president to overthrow democracy to become a dictator for life.

8)  A female president visiting a Muslim country would either make America look like a pushover by agreeing to wear a hijab, or would disrespect our allies by refusing to wear a hijab.

9)  Since a woman would be be less likely to start a new war, a lot of military industrial companies will close due to the lack of business, and millions of people would lose their jobs.

10)  A woman does not reflect American values, because all of America’s Founding Fathers were male.

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

10 Reactions To New FBI Investigation Of Hillary Clinton’s Emails

"Note to self: fire James Comey.... Wait... Is this already on Wikileaks?" @DefinitelyNotARussianHacker: "Da." Image source: hacked from AP

“Note to self: fire James Comey…. Wait… Is this already on Wikileaks?”
@DefinitelyNotARussianHacker: “Da.”
Image source: hacked from AP

Last weekend, there was a new shocking development in the 2016 presidential election: James Comey, head of the FBI, informed Congress that FBI had seized a laptop belonging to serial sexter Anthony Weiner and his wife, top Clinton aide Huma Abedin, and found thousands of emails that may or may not be relevant to the FBI’s investigation of Hillary Clinton’s private email server. Of course, since there are only a few days before election, this revelation has caused a Samsung phone-like explosion, with Republicans once again demanding that Hillary Clinton is immediately imprisoned regardless of the outcome of the investigation, and Democrats blaming the FBI for conspiring with Russia and Wikileaks to help Donald Trump win the election. Here are 10 reactions to the Emailgate and the FBI investigation.

1)  Francois Hollande, President of France: “Ah, so the American Department of State had sent out official messages from the Anthony Weiner’s laptop. Finally, an explanation to why certain official State Department’s emails sometimes contained a close-up photo of a man’s penis.”

2)  Danny Ellison, Tump supporter: “Stupid libtards keep saying Trump is Hitler, Hitler this, Hitler that! Well, you can say what you want about Hitler, but at least Hitler didn’t use a private email server!!”

3)  Michael Kortan, FBI spokesperson: “According to the recently adopted FBI policy, whenever FBI obtains a laptop in connection to any crime committed by any American or foreigner, and discover any e-mails on it, the Bureau will immediately re-open the investigation of the Clinton e-mail server and will promptly inform the American public about it, ideally right before an election.”

4)  Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump campaign manager: “These new emails just confirm despicable duplicity and dishonesty by Hillary Clinton: while presenting a cold and calculating facade in public, she was actually trying to help people behind the scenes! Disgusting!”

5)  Vladimir Putin, President of Russia: American media accuses Russia of hacking Clinton emails and meddling in American election to help Donald Trump who is brilliant man and strong leader! This is absolutely false accusation! Russia has nothing to do with hacked emails posted on Wikileaks, and nothing to do with additional shocking emails that  someone will post there tomorrow!”

6)  Newt Gingrich, former US speaker/morality expert: “It’s disgusting to think that Hillary Clinton knew about Anthony Weiner molesting teenagers and did nothing! And of course Hillary had to know about this, because whenever Anthony Weiner is sexting anyone, he is always sexting everyone else who has a Twitter account!”

7)  Abacha Tunde, Prince of Nigeria: “Dear Mr. Hillary Clinton; I have continued diligentely expecting response on the urgent matter of your help in the helping acessing to $57,100,100 (fifty seven million one hundred thousand one-hundred U.S. dollar) on my deceased unlcle Prince Osagie Tunde assets account in exchange for your services generouslyy compensated at $15,200,000. I was fearing our request was being lost, but thankfully to the fastidious looking of Federal BI I now am hopeful you now shall locate the originatory query and respond positively.”

8)  Fox News: “A shocking new discovery in the new cache of Clinton emails reveals that Hillary Clinton was in talks to to accept a $15 million bribe to facilitate a $57 million transfer to Nigeria, clearly to finance the Nigerian terrorist organization Boko Haram!”

9)  Mitt Romney, former Republican presidential candidate: “Unfortunately, Donald Trump is such a weak candidate that he might lose this easily winnable election to Hillary Clinton. It’s too bad the Republican party isn’t running a strong candidate like they did in 2012, or maybe someone like Condoleezza Rice – just imagine, a former female Secretary of State who used a private email server and supported the war in Iraq versus a former female Secretary of State who used a private email server and supported the war in Iraq? That would have been a no-brainer!”

10)  Donald Trump, Republican presidential candidate: ……. (There was no reaction from Donald Trump, since someone finally explained to him that the less he talks, the better it is for his campaign.)

 

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Still Hasn’t Released His Tax Returns

Donald Trump is showing approximately how much federal tax he has paid since 1980. Image source: theodysseyonline.com

Donald Trump is showing approximately how much federal tax he has paid since 1980.
Image source: theodysseyonline.com

The last few weeks have been very eventful for Donald Trump: shaky debate performances, a leaked video of Donald Trump bragging about sexually assaulting women, followed by multiple accusations that Donald Trump had sexual assaulted women, Donald Trump’s suggestion that might not concede the result of the election if he loses. On the other hand, all these stories have successfully distracted everyone’s attention from the fact that Donald Trump still hasn’t released any of his tax returns, as all other major party candidates traditionally done for decades, and as Trump himself promised to do. Trump’s official position is that he can’t release his tax returns while they’re being audited by the IRS, even though the IRS said he can. So here are 10 real reasons why Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns.

1)  Making a promise and then actually delivering on that promise threatens to damage the reputation Donald Trump has been carefully cultivating these last few decades.

2)  He really wants to release his returns, but his tax accountant has has locked herself in her office to avoid being groped.

3)  The only online media Donald Trump uses is Twitter, and it would take him 20 years to tweet just one tax return 140 characters at a time.

4)  All the tax returns with the “Trump” name on them actually belong to someone else, Trump just licensed his name to be used on them.

5)  He is afraid that mainstream media would rig his tax returns so that he’ll owe money to Hillary Clinton.

6)  He is concerned that his financial genius reputation may suffer if Americans discover that he was unable to weasel out of paying federal taxes for a couple of years.

7)  IRS still hasn’t approved the use of Donald Trump’s marital filing status of “Married, but still get to have sex with any woman I want because I’m a yuuuge star”.

8)  He is only a billionaire if his wealth is measured in Russian rubles.

9) He doesn’t feel like he should be filing tax returns at all, because when he becomes president, he will abolish the IRS and will build a big and beautiful wall around it.

10)  He doesn’t want to attract any unnecessary attention to his declaring his hairpiece as a dependant, getting medical deduction for hand enlargement surgery, and claiming a tax credit for providing housing to a foreign immigrant for his wife Melania.

 

 

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10 New Advertising Slogans For Samsung Galaxy Note 7 Smartphone

holdingitwrongIt turns out that Donald Trump’s election campaign isn’t the only thing prone to spontaneous combustion and self-destruction. Several days ago, Samsung announced worldwide recall of its latest Galaxy Note 7 smartphone following multiple reports of the phones catching fire and exploding, and stopped selling the model altogether. Personally, I think Samsung is handling this all wrong, and they could easily use all this free publicity they’re getting to make smartphones exciting again and to actually sell more Galaxy Notes 7. Here are 10 new marketing slogans Samsung could use for Galaxy Note 7.

1)  Galaxy Note 7: Get the biggest bang for your buck!

2)  The phone that can end your smartphone addiction in 1 second!

3)  Why wait a year to replace your phone with a newer model?

4)  Free fire extinguisher with every purchase!

5)  Samsung: 92% of our phones don’t explode!

6)  Samsung Galaxy Note 7: developed in partnership with Kindle Fire!

7)  The only smartphone that won’t ever get stolen!

8)  The US military’s weapon of choice against ISIS!

9) Comes with a 20 minute lifetime warranty!

10)  Prevents 80% of car accidents by making most drivers put away their phone!

Finally, if Galaxy Note 7 still doesn’t sell, Samsung can use the hype to build up anticipation for Samsung Galaxy Note 8, which will be the first smartphone to be waterproof and fireproof!

 

Sent from my iPhone
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10 Options Other Than Voting For Donald Trump Or Hillary Clinton

Sample 2016 election ballot with a sample vote.

Sample 2016 election ballot with a sample vote.

Many Americans complain that in this election, the only options available to them is either Clinton or Trump (or, as most voters put it, “voting against Trump” and “voting against Clinton”, respectively). However, you do have other options: in fact, over a thousand people have filed official paperwork as candidates in the 2016 presidential election. Here are 10 of these alternatives. (All the candidates listed below are actual candidates running for president in 2016, and some will even appear on the election ballots.)

1)  Gary Johnson, Libertarian party: Running on a well-thought-out and appealing platform of being neither Clinton nor Trump.

2)  Jill Stein, Green Party: Fighting for the rights of the Whole Foods shoppers everywhere.

3)  Kevin Deame, Pirate Party: Vote for strong navy, return to the gold standard, no taxes, and no government regulations! Or just vote for the Republicans, their program is pretty much the same.

4)  Mike Fahl, Cherry Picker Party: You can vote for any part of their agenda you like.

5)  Caesar St. Augustine DeBuonaparte, Absolute Dictator: In case you actually do want an absolute dictator running the country, just want someone other than Donald Trump.

6)  Bradford Lyttle, US Pacifist Party: They guarantee there would be no more wars, but on the other hand, you can be sure that the Pacifist Party wouldn’t be fighting for the middle class, lower taxes, or environment either.

7)  Darrell Trigg, Christian Party: Jesus was supposed to be on the ticket, but there seems to be some problem with his birth certificate.

8)  Rod Silva, Nutrition Party: You will get chicken in every pot, burger in every bun, and tofu in every vegetarian! Proteins of the world, unite!

9)  Dan Vacek, Legal Marijuana Now Party: Legalize marijuana now, and vote for some Nutrition later, man!

10)  Todd Clayton Jr., Chivalry Party: They will graciously let Hillary Clinton or Jill Stein have all of their votes.

Finally, if you’re still not happy even with the expanded list of candidates, you could move to Florida and vote for any candidate – as 2000 election showed, Florida’s voting machines will assign your vote to a randomly picked candidate, and therefore will absolve you of any responsibility in electing Clinton or Trump. Or you can just move to Canada and not vote in the election at all: since either Clinton or Trump are guaranteed to win and therefore trigger a flood of Americans leaving the country, it’s better to move now, before all the best places are taken.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 63 Comments

10 Highlights Of Donald Trump’s Medical Records

My blood pressure is fantastic! Biggest blood pressure ever! It's through the roof! Bigger than anyone else's!"

“My blood pressure is fantastic! Biggest blood pressure ever! It’s through the roof! Bigger than anyone else’s!”

This weekend, Hillary Clinton collapsed while getting into a car, prompting speculation about which life-threatening illness that makes her unfit to be president is affecting her. Her campaign made a statement that Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, prompting speculation about which life-threatening illness that makes her unfit to be president she is covering up with this feeble “pneumonia” excuse. And because her rival Donald Trump is the most transparent presidential candidate from the Republican party in the 2016 general election, he offered to release his medical records to prove that, unlike Clinton, he is tremendously healthy. Here are 10 highlights of Donald Trump’s medical record.

1)  White Cell count: Almost 95% of Mr. Trump blood cells were white. However, Mr. Trump insisted that he loves all cells, black cells, Mexican cells, it’s just white cells are better, because they work harder, and they are the ones attacking any foreign elements coming from outside.

2)  Heart conditions: No heart conditions have been found, due to the fact that none of our doctors have been able to ascertain that Mr. Trump actually has a heart.

3)  Allergic reactions detected to: Mexicans, Muslims, Democrats, average- and below average-looking women, journalists, immigrants, protesters, veterans, fact checks, etc.

4)  Dermatology report: No issues, other than abnormally thin skin.

5)  Medications prescribed: Hairspray, one 5-gallon bottle every 12 hours.

6)  Treatment history: Mr. Trump reported that he has been treated very unfairly by the media.

7)  Stress test: Mr. Trump passed the stress test extremely well. Not only he had no problems handling stress, he gave plenty of stress to all medical personnel administering the test.

8)  Growth chart: Mr. Trump insisted that his growth was from barely 40 million dollars in 1978 to OVER TEN BILLION in 2016. When informed that his wealth wasn’t what our staff was supposed to measure, Mr. Trump refused to be measured and made an emphatic verbal guarantee that there’s absolutely no problem there.

9)  Psychological profile: Mr. Trump is obsessed with anger at certain 68-year-old woman, which may indicate some unresolved issues with his mother.

10)  Family history: There is a documented history of extreme wealth being genetically inherited by Mr. Trump from his parents, with high probability of the same condition being transferred to Mr. Trump’s children as well. However, although this condition is rare and not contagious for 99.9% of Americans, it is actually quite common among the American presidential candidates.

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