The Democratic caucus election in Iowa took place yesterday, and, as of this moment, the results have not yet been released. Many people are blaming the Russians, but it’s clear that the Russians must have interfered in the Republican caucus to get Donald Trump quickly and easily elected there. Here are the real reasons why the Democratic caucus results are taking so long to get released.
1. An Asian-looking guy sneezed in a results counting room, causing an immediate evacuation of 6 surrounding counties.
2. The Iowa caucus was hacked by New Hampshire, long jealous of Iowa’s first-in-the-nation voting status.
3. It took 17 hours 42 minutes just to explain how the caucus voting works.
4. Because the Iowa caucuses work by determining viable candidates, delays were caused due to having to get a doctor’s opinion on whether 78-year-old Bernie Sanders and 77-year-old Joe Biden are actually viable.
5. No matter how many times they counted and who came up as the winner of the caucus, Hillary Clinton kept winning the popular vote.
6. Republicans in the Iowa State Senate blocked the release of the results until they could do a thorough investigation of Hunter Biden and Burisma.
7. Several progressive groups tried to block the vote counting on the grounds that the digit symbols had been culturally appropriated from the Arabic culture, and that counting is exploitative and inherently unequal because it always puts certain numbers ahead of the others.
8. The results were supposed to be reported using a smartphone app. Unfortunately, as everyone knows, whenever you grab a phone to actually do something useful on one of its apps for once, you always find yourself scrolling through Facebook 6 hours later without a vaguest idea what made you grab the phone in the first place.
9. Many caucus votes who came prepared to “vote blue no matter who” were confused when they couldn’t find this Bluenomatterwho person on the ballot, eventually casting their votes for Mayor Pete assuming that’s how “Buttigieg” must be pronounced.
10. Reason #10 will be released later, as soon as complete list of reasons becomes available.