10 Ways How The Government Is Spying On You

MAGNIFYING GLASS

You will look like a bigger security threat should the NSA look at you through a magnifying glass. (Photo credit: andercismo)

The biggest story of the last couple of weeks has been the leak by a National Security Agency contractor Edward Snowden, who had disclosed the details of the extensive spying programs that the United States government has been running for years. According to released documents, NSA is logging phone calls, electronic communications and web content with the help of major phone and internet companies. Here are 10 of the ways how the government is spying on you.

1)  By applying a combination of mind control and hypnosis, the government had successfully made many people conduct all their private cell phone conversations in public in a loud voice.

2)  When a Windows program crashes and you click OK on a pop-up message asking you if you want to send a report of what went wrong, the report that you send includes the log of everything you did on your computer since you bought it.

3)  NSA monitors and records every phone call you make to another country. You probably think you never call foreign countries, don’t you? Think again: when was the last time you called customer service and got connected to someone in India?

4)  When you play Farmville on Facebook, please keep in mind that at least one of every ten Farmville cows works for the government.

5)  When you get an e-mail from Nigeria asking for your assistance for transferring millions of dollars through your bank account, the NSA gets the copy of that e-mail. This is why you can never get any money from the Nigerian princes and generals: it’s because the NSA gets to it first.

6)  When you happily accepted Facebook friend requests from those cute girls you’ve never seen before, you should have paid more attention to their rather peculiar names, Cia and Nsa.

7)  If you are a blogger at WordPress, you’ve probably noticed multiple bogus WordPress accounts that have began following your blog recently. If you thought they were spammers and wondered why WordPress can’t just get rid of them, now you know.

8)  NSA created FourSquare and Facebook location tagging features so that they know where you are at all times without having to send agents to track you in person.

9)  NSA and CIA routinely search for blog posts with key words like “terrorism”, “Al-Qaeda”, “bomb”, “bombing”, “how to create a bomb”, “bin Laden”, “Jihad”, “detonator for sale”. Ooops… Oh well, at least this post will get a few more views.

10)  The government runs a covert program to keep tabs on everyone’s political views. The data is collected on the 1st Tuesday in November of every even-numbered year.

Please feel free to leave a comment, but be aware that a copy of it will be automatically sent to the NSA.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

76 Responses to 10 Ways How The Government Is Spying On You

  1. Hahaha excellent as always. Numbers 7 and 10 are particularly good.

    Like

  2. Laura says:

    The program in #10 isn’t nearly as effective as similar programs in other countries.

    Like

  3. Just one month ago I made fun of those who always want more surveillance – http://andreasmoser.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/you-want-more-surveillance-you-can-have-it/ – and then it became true. 😦

    Like

    • List of X says:

      That’s because when people want more surveillance, they always assume it will apply to other people. Then they act outraged when they find out that for the government, “other people” includes everyone.

      Like

  4. renxkyoko says:

    If he’s such a smart person, why go to China where the government even forces itrs citizens to have only one child, and WordPress is banned. Have we ever wondered how an NSA contractor who has worked for a private company for just 3 months can grandiosely brag that he can wiretap everyone, including the President of the United States if he so wants ? And get a $200,000 salary within 3 months of employment at NSA….., and fail to monitor the Boston bombers when they already have the info given by the Russians?

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    • List of X says:

      Doesn’t Snowden remind you of that semi-drunk guy in a bar who insists that he’s a secret agent for the CIA and that he has all those secret agent capabilities, but if he tells you what he does he’d have to kill you?
      Though I can’t blame Snowden for not catching the Boston Bombers – in those 3 months he worked for the NSA, he probably just barely had time to deposit his oversized paychecks and download classified data to his laptop.

      Like

      • renxkyoko says:

        Just think…… From the US to China, From Hawaii to Iceland….. do you get the irony? Bahahahah !

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      • renxkyoko says:

        maybe $200,000 wasn’t enough ? he wants millions from the Chinese in exchange for names of US intelligence agents and other sensitive materials? The US gov’t should sue his employer for giving him this kind of job. Almost all of the federal employees of NSAs are all professionals, and college graduates…… then this guy , not even a high school grad, gets a position where he can wiretap everyone, the accountant, your neighbor, heck even the US President ! !

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        • List of X says:

          I share your concern – if I am going to be spied on by someone, it better be a trained professional, not some over-confident high school drop-out.
          And NSA should fire all of their contractors – in addition to their questionable qualifications, they are a huge money drain, all to make the federal workforce look smaller (and let someone make a few extra billions)

          Like

  5. I knew those new followers smelled funny! On the bright side, at least the NSA is reading my blog posts.

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  6. twindaddy says:

    So that 1createblogs account that likes every post I publish is really a front for the NSA? The bastards!

    Like

  7. mairedubhtx says:

    I have often wondered why everyone with a cell phone talks so loudly. Now I know. It’s not just to annoy me. And now I’m glad I have a Mac Book Pro and not Windows. At least i don’t get those annoying crashes and reports to the government.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      You made a really good choice to go with Mac because you made it much harder for the government to spy on you. But I don’t know if it makes you feel any better to know that Apple does all the snooping now.

      Like

  8. Go Jules Go says:

    Oh, great. As if it wasn’t bad enough I just gave Nsa my credit card info on Facebook, now I have to worry about the fact that youliewespyyougonnadie is following my blog!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      If Nsa asked for your credit card number, you don’t need to worry about the government spying on you, because they already have your credit card number. It’s probably just a legitimate scammer.
      youliewespyyougonnadie (bonus points for the name!) is not following me yet, but I’ll start watching my back (and notifications menu) just in case.

      Like

  9. Sherry says:

    I think I’ll just go hide under my bed.

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  10. Once again,
    “Conspiracy Theorists Proved Right After Decades Of Taking It On The Chin For Being PARANOID”
    “I love dis’ shit”
    Sadly, several of your items sound more plausible than they should.
    Don’t worry about the NSA or CIA or any other tri-initial government agency. They love guys like us. We make up a big part of what they; so dismissively call; “The Lunatic Fringe”.
    You know. In English; that translates to; “Guys who tell the truth”
    They say Guantanimo is, LOVELY this time of year. But; should I take my “Generic Gray Hoodie” in case I want to take a stroll of an evening?
    Keep on Truckin’ Brother.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Angryman, long time no see. Any plans to return to your blog?
      Funny, I don’t consider myself fringe (well, nobody does), but neither I think of myself as a truth-teller. All I do is I make jokes, and if they happens to coincide with reality, well, then, it’s the reality’s fault.
      Feel free to wear your hoodie. In fact, you can wear pretty much anything as long as you look white.

      Like

      • Hey Man,
        Greetings. Truth is truth and if you report the reality you observe and find humor in it; what surprize?
        Yes; I plan to return. It’s a long; mostly boring story of illness and depression that have made it just to hard to write. I hate it but I have learned to live with it. The details are tedious even to me but suffice to say that my comments here and about of late are an attempt to give a shit about the things I should care about and do what I must do; write about it.
        Hey glad you’re well and as you can see; I still read your excellent work. What a hoot.

        Like

  11. stephenpruis says:

    Like fine wine, you just keep getting better! And I was wondering about those WordPress followers, hmmm.

    Like

  12. John says:

    Reblogged this on AMERICAN LIBERAL TIMES and commented:
    John Liming of AMERICAN LIBERAL TIMES comments – – – “Well – – here is a list of Ten ways that the NSA keeps tabs on things and I can almost hear the Righties doing it in their drawers when they stumble onto stuff like this – -Does anyone think that many of the Righties can spot satire when they see it? – – – but my REAL opinion is that we need a few dozen more actual ways for the NSA to keep our country safe – – after all isn’t that is what America pays them for and isn’t that what taxpayers expect? From all the hullabaloo in the news lately I would say that NSA – – of all the government agencies – – seems to me to be the one doing their jobs in today’s somewhat stagnated government – – Thank you Repugs for all the obstruction that has nearly shut us down – -and I say, “More power to NSA and others who have similar missions to secure America from Her enemies!”

    Like

  13. Yes, I love it when people worry about privacy yet shout out their cell phone conversations about that one doctor’s appointment. And the conspiracies! Zomg. Have these people never heard of the CIA or the FBI or um, the freaking military? It’s not like these organizations are secret. Or even better, how about facebook? They will put everything out there on public facebook pages, then freak out cause the gov’t is spying on us oh nooos that’s the only way they could find out about us, right? Through digging up dirt on us. Duh, they don’t have to – they’ve put it out there themselves. Morons.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Yes, I don’t get these people either. With some people, spying on them is the… what’s the opposite of “a challenge”? The hardest part is to avoid all their constant check-ins, instagrammed photos of foods, pictures and dates of birth for their kids, dates when they are away from home. Like seriously, who cares about that? (Except for the NSA, apparently)

      Like

    • I am somewhat confused; I must admit.

      John, How can you call yourself a Liberal and yet support Right-Wing activities lke spying on our own citizens? You seem to be constantly supporting more Government interference in our personal lives for the welfare of the country. “Protect us Uncle Sam. Please” But Uncle Sam has no interest in protecting us from anything. Their intention is to continue the fleecing of the “Fleece Bearing Units” and the discarding of the unproductive units. The only threat to the American people is internal. Figure out how to protect us from the arrogance of a Political System run amuck. Figure how the government agencies like the NSA and CIA can do their jobs without rooting around in my business; no doubt a very boring endeavor to begin with.
      It is never worth destroying our freedoms under the guise of protecting them.

      Like

      • List of X says:

        Angryman, you responded to someone else, not to John – so he probably won’t see your reply.
        Personally, I think I agree with you on this: the intelligence community had the information that could have been enough to prevent 9/11 but never acted on in, and that was before PATRIOT Act extended the snooping powers for NSA, CIA, FBI, etc..

        Like

    • It doesn’t matter what I put online for your amusement or what I shout to the rooftops on my cellphone. Those are choices that I get to make because I am FREE to make those decisions for myself and deny that prerogative to others. My decision to shout out the details of my prostate surgery in no way gives you the right to know about the nasty post-surgical infection I suffered.
      I didn’t have either; yet; but the point is; I share what I choose not what the NSA chooses. Well apparently that isn’t true.
      It is supposed to be true.
      We were told it was true.
      For years the crazy, conspiracy mongering lunatics like myself have been saying that the Government is spying on us. Why? What do we have or know or want that they could possibly find of interest?
      The answer is as you say; not much.
      I; for one; have already shared pretty much everything I think on my blog and as i think new things; they will wind up there as well.
      But if I have even one thing that I don’t wish known; well; you get the point.
      99.99999999999% of the stuff they could find out about us is useless and of no interest to them. They only sift it to find the infintessimally small “data-bit” that might be of use.

      The problem is that once a piece of information is out there; anyone can use it; for anything. An before you ask; NO I don’t trust the government to guard my secrets; if I have any. They can’t even protect their own. All they can do is cry about it as though telling us they are watching us is a shocker.

      This guy is no criminal. If you ask me; Edward Snowden is a National Hero and should be rewarded for his service to the American people.

      You should never trust anything the government tells us.
      They said the Patriot act was to help stop terrorism. Not even once since it’s passing; has it been used for that purpose. It has been used to catch some drug dealers in New York.
      Imagine that; NYPD using a law that is supposed to protect us to deny us our rights. I’m just flabbergasted.

      Like

      • List of X says:

        I don’t trust the government either – at least, not 100%. But I still trust it marginally more than a generic private company: at least the government doesn’t have a profit motive. But I know that my privacy is something I can’t trust to either private or public institutions. So, as an example, I make sure to share as little as possible of private information on this blog or on my Facebook – like you, I know that what’s shared, is forever out there, but I don’t share an illusion that just because I share something online with “Friends only” access, I am entitled to deny this information to anyone else.
        I’m really torn on Snowden – I thought Bradley Manning was closer to a hero since he actually revealed things that had zero impact on the national security but incriminated the the military in some nasty stuff – like the video of Army helicopter shooting at a foreign journalist. Snowden has “revealed” the program that had been known for years, and, as far as I understand, had embellished some aspects of the program.

        Like

  14. Michael Sadowski says:

    I freelance for the NSA and I’m telling on you! So there!

    Like

  15. rossmurray1 says:

    The land of the free and the home of the paranoid.

    Like

  16. L. Palmer says:

    #’s 5 and 7 explain so much. Maybe they are contacting all of the Nigerian Princes in hopes of closing the deficit? Also, I am sure the spam followers such as ‘nutri-awesome’ are part of the government conspiracy against obesity.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I hope the Nigerians make good on the promises and send NSA the money. I’m also sure that NSA also gets tons of e-mails offering to refinance the national debt.

      Like

  17. You crack me up. And I bet it is more like half the cows work for the government.

    Like

  18. Elyse says:

    I particularly liked no. 1 — loud cell phone talks.

    And by coincidence, I just had to call the White House for work. I was greeted with this recording:“For quality purposes, this call may be monitored, but it will not be recorded.”

    Cracked me up under the circumstances …

    Like

    • List of X says:

      That’s hilarious. I wonder if that was a recent change due to the scandal, or they always made sure not to leave any incriminating records.
      No. 1 was inspired by your recent post, by the way.

      Like

      • Elyse says:

        Awe, sucks. Oops, I mean shucks!

        I couldn’t stop laughing when I got it. I had to hang up and call back once I calmed down. Now I WILL be monitored (and possibly even recorded).

        Like

  19. bernasvibe says:

    Again this didn’t show UP in my reader; I had to come looking to see if you’d posted new…Jeez I like my news fresh! Just saying..Plus I like being 1st in line. Lol, lol..Anyways WOW #1 sounds like something I do , alot. I get so caught UP while chatting on my cell in public ; that I often see people turn around to see “Who in the heck is that talking? ” Or least thats what I assume they’re thinking . Never know..#2? Rofl! I never do that one for totally different reasons. Now, you’ve given me another reason to not do it. I’m always mindful what I say online, always, because # 9 is so very true…there is a laundry list of topics I’ll never discuss online. Whether they’re of interest to me or not. Always find something of interest or funny in your writes..Keep up the good work ; its appreciated by me! (enough so that I come looking for it) 🙂

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Always glad to see you here. I wish I could keep a schedule for my posts, but unfortunately, the amount of craziness in the news and my ability to write about varies widely. This week, I’m lucky just to catch up with the comments.
      I don’t do #2 (that’s #2 in the post, to be clear – everyone does #2’s 🙂 ) – because I suspect that if I start sending these reports, the report will eventually crash once I click on “Send Report” button, ask to me send a report to report a problem with the crash report, and it will keep crashing and crashing, until I end up buying a different computer.
      For #1, I solve the problem by talking in a different language – although I realize that the very act of talking on the phone in a different language is a sure way to attract the NSA’s attention.

      Like

      • bernasvibe says:

        Ha! Everyone might have to do #2’s; but some of us hate having to even do it..I know this is way off -topic; but I could think of an awesome top ten list of the-why-can’t-#2s-be-unneccesary? Back to the topic at hand..I’ve yet to happen upon anyone who clicks on the “send report” button. Yet another unnecessary option..

        Like

  20. Oh dear, I’m sure I’ve missed the numerical cutoff for being followed, tracked, monitored and/or recorded. Instead my spam mail box is now being bombarded by Christian Mingle; Viagra; Lonely House Wives and Adrianna (?)…who continues to call me, “Hey You!”
    My question: Is spam now the alternative CIA/NSA follow, track, monitor and/or record ploy-plot?

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Hey You! There is a really good chance that NSA sends you all this spam – Adrienne seems particularly suspicious with that “I’m there, I’m watching, don’t forget about me” that I detect in her tone.

      Like

  21. The information is classed as “metadata”, or transactional information, rather than communications, and so does not require individual warrants to access. The document also specifies that such “metadata” is not limited to the aforementioned items. A 2005 court ruling judged that cell site location data – the nearest cell tower a phone was connected to – was also transactional data, and so could potentially fall under the scope of the order.

    Like

  22. The Hook says:

    I wish I had more time to spy on this site; your work is exemplary.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you! By the way, I have to take your comment more seriously that you think: in the country where I was born, pretty much every bellman at any hotel that accepted foreigners worked for the intelligence agency.

      Like

  23. EagleAye says:

    Freakin’ hilarious dude! 5,6,9,10 are my favorites. I just about pissed myself on #9. They are ALL terrific though. Great list, man.

    I gotta go. I’m gonna chat with this hot babe on Facebook. Her name is Natsec Ag.

    p.s. Thanks for the tip on how to get more views, courtesy of the govt.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Strangely, no one actually found my blog using any of the terms in #9, so either NSA (sorry, Natsec) is too busy chatting with you on Facebook, or they are able to slip unnoticed under the WordPress Stats radar. Either way, the tip doesn’t improve the stats, sorry.
      Instead, what I did get is a “crazy x spying on me” search….

      Like

  24. 1jaded1 says:

    Interesting. A friend texted me an article about Google, Skynet and a quantum 512 qubit computer. Off to read it now. Have you heard anyrhing about it and what are your thoughts?

    Like

  25. Scott Martin says:

    It seems to me that we (all generations older than the millennials) generally have no beef with the National Security Agency, or whomever, reading our mail or listening in on our phone conversations because we don’t say or write anything worth listening to or reading. The younger generations are also saying and writing nothing important, but they think that the descriptions of their daily routines, including most bodily functions, is of vital interest.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Even though I don’t think I say or do anything illegal, I still don’t want NSA to keep a log on what I do, because I could be breaking some silly law without even knowing it. Also, I don’t really like to give out my private information to anyone, and that includes my Facebook friends.

      Like

  26. I especially like #1 and #8. It’s so fun hearing people complain about their lack of privacy when, by way of loud cell phone talkers, twitter addicts, four square fiends, etc. I know the intimate comings and goings of my friends and even strangers through absolutely no effort or desire on my part.

    Like

  27. Love this list…Thanks for today’s laugh. 🙂

    Like

  28. The Penguin Music Magazine was an instance of publish-battle
    optimism on the earth of music.

    Like

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