Last week, Barack Obama appeared in public with an obvious lipstick smear on his shirt collar. While in the last few years, any Obama-related story would have generated a lot of noise from the people seeking to peddle their conspiracy theories about the evil Obama administration, the Tea Party crowd hasn’t been actively putting forward any conspiracy theories about this egregious scandal. Just as shockingly, not a single Republican Congressman demanded an investigation. So I will have to pick up the slack, and provide 10 Tea Party-compatible conspiracy theories explaining this outrageous incident.
1) The mark is not a trace from someone’s lips, but is meant to represent two Islamic crescents because Obama is secretly Muslim. The crescents are red because Obama is also a Communist.
2) Michelle Obama only pretends to be Barack Obama’s wife, and never actually kisses him on the face. But this week, she angrily confronted a heckler, because she was jealous, and suspected that the heckler was the one who did it.
3) It’s a secret signal for the law enforcement to come out and confiscate everyone’s guns. The only reason why these jack-booted federal thugs haven’t gone out yet, is because the order is still making its way through the bloated, wasteful, and inefficient Washington bureaucracy.
4) Obama wears lipstick because he’s secretly gay, kissed himself because he’s a self-centered narcissist, and was able to reach his own shirt collar because he’s spineless.
5) The president was kissed by the Saudi King while Obama was bowing to the king: not only Obama humiliated himself by bowing to our sworn enemy, he also disrespected our loyal ally by avoiding his kiss.
6) These are vampire bite marks: Obama asked Robert Pattinson to bite his neck, so that Obama also turns into a vampire, gains immortality and becomes a dictator until the end of times. (Which he will cause because he’s also the Antichrist)
7) Obama has intentionally drawn a smudge resembling lipstick, in order to try to distract the media attention from the Benghazi scandal, and then use the Benghazi scandal to draw the media attention away from the Lipstickgate.
8) This mark conclusively proves that Obama was born in Kenya: there’s a guy who says that his sister is friends with a woman, who saw a Kenyan birth certificate for someone with a different name, but with the exact same mark.
9) The mark was left by the smudged digits “1” and “6”. Obama plans to illegally run for president in 2016, and while his loyal minions have convinced him to take off the “2016” pin until then, the paint didn’t come off completely.
10) He wears lipstick on his collar instead of the flag pin, because he hates America.
Do you have your own theory? Well, you better have one, because when you don’t have a conspiracy theory, it means you are a part of the conspiracy.