10 Most Shocking Revelations About Osama Bin Laden’s Assassination

And this famous photo that supposedly shows the White House officials watching the bin Laden raid? They're actually watching the American Idol.

And this famous photo that supposedly shows the White House officials watching the bin Laden raid? They’re actually watching the American Idol.

In a just-released bombshell report, the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Seymour Hersh has questioned the Obama administration’s official story of how exactly Osama bin Laden had died. According to Hersh and his very anonymous source, the Pakistanis knew about the American SEAL Team 6 raid in advance, because they kept bin Laden under house arrest in a compound paid by Saudis, the story of how the CIA found bin Laden is also completely made up, and everything that was true was covered up. However, I have my own, just as trustworthy and well-connected anonymous source. I won’t give you my…I mean, the source’s name, but believe me, the information from my source is even more sensational than from Hersh’s. Here are 10 of these revelations.

1) The SEALs whom Obama credited with killing bin Laden aren’t the lovable marine mammals as you may have been led to believe, but are actually humans with extensive military training.

2) Osama bin Laden wasn’t killed by a bullet, but by a heart attack resulting from frustration due to his inability to sign up for Obamacare.

3) The money which Saudis were paying for bin Laden’s compound came from selling popular “Where’s bin Laden?” books.

4) Contrary to Obama’s and CIA’s assertion that outside of a few people in the White House and the Pentagon no one including the Pakistanis knew about the raid, Pakistanis knew, Saudis knew, and pretty much everyone was aware of the operation. In fact, according to my source, you were the only one left in the dark.

5) Every senior Pakistani official, including the prime minister and head of Pakistan’s intelligence service, had been taking acting classes for decades so that upon hearing the news of the American raid they could convincingly portray ignorance and outrage.

6) Osama bin Laden wasn’t found by the CIA thanks to the information they obtained by water-boarding terror suspects. In reality, CIA has pinpointed bin Laden’s location after he checked in at “Abbotabad compound” on Facebook. (CIA, however, was forced to water-board Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to get him to explain how to modify Facebook settings to stop bin Laden’s check-ins and selfies from popping up in CIA’s Facebook feed every few seconds).

7) The bearded man in the strange dress shot at the compound was actually Santa Claus. Every parent who has been telling their children about Santa’s list, his visits, and his presents was complicit in the cover-up.

8) There was no Pakistani doctor who helped find bin Laden while doing polio vaccinations in the Abbottabad area. You can now scratch “helps defeat international terrorism” from the already embarrassingly short list of vaccination benefits.

9) The true name of the town in which bin Laden’s compound was located wasn’t Abbottabad, but Costellobad.

10) When Barack Obama had been reading the speech about the success of the raid, he stood behind a podium, because he was covering up an unzipped fly.

Advertisements

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
This entry was posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

77 Responses to 10 Most Shocking Revelations About Osama Bin Laden’s Assassination

  1. Paul says:

    Gunny X. I especially like Costellobad.

    Like

  2. I want them to re-film Seal Team 6: The Raid on Osama Bin Laden Rashomon-style using each of these scenarios. The original film was a stinker so maybe one of those will work.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Trent Lewin says:

    Obviously you haven’t been witness to the killing power of your average saltwater seal. I swam with a seal once, and I thought we would become chummy in that way that humans and animals sometimes are. But instead I was whapped upside the head several times and had a nasty, bulbous nose smashed against my privates. So yeah, I think it’s entirely possible that seals rather than Seals killed Osama bin Laden. Per Mark’s note above, I think this story would make an awesome movie, although I would really appreciate it if you could get Jessica Chastain to sign on as the seal-loving Greenpeace activist.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ankur Mithal says:

    Unzipped fly? Are you suggesting ol’ Bill was in charge of this operation?

    Like

  5. Vaccination causes autism and terrorism. I knew it.

    Like

  6. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    This I have to share …. read all of it. Very interesting … not giving anything away!!

    Like

  7. Elyse says:

    Proof positive that vaccinations are dangerous.

    Like

  8. aFrankAngle says:

    Although Costellobad got a good chuckle, #2 is a winner!

    Like

  9. rossmurray1 says:

    Number 8 was sublime and then to follow up with Number 9, you’re a genius of the subversive.

    Like

  10. Glazed says:

    You failed to note that Osama bin Laden is actually still alive, living with Elvis in a UFO behind a comet.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Nurse Kelly says:

    I don’t know how you do this – every one of them is hysterical. 🙂

    Like

  12. Carrie Rubin says:

    These are great. #s 5 and 9 made me laugh out loud. Abbott- and Costellobad. Ha! (And I guess the fact I get that reference makes me officially old.)

    Like

  13. Great list. I wonder how many youngsters will get #9? Love the old timey reference.

    Like

  14. That was awesome… but seriously… they guy is living in our basement…

    Like

  15. Shocking how your source told you all this and isn’t living in an undisclosed safe house in Russia. Or is he?

    Like

  16. Gibber says:

    Well no more kissing Santa Clause underneath the mistletoe for me.

    Like

  17. Seymour Hersh! Is that hack still using his same anonymous sources to write anything for a buck? I think your anonymous sources were dead on, especially with number 2 and 10. X, you’ve done it again.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I honestly had no idea who this Simon Hersh is. But I thought – a Pulitzer prize winner, so probably wasn’t just some garden-variety conspiracy theory hack.
      I should have consulted my own anonymous sources before posting this.

      Like

      • Not to worry. I am sure your anonymous sources are top notch and would have come to the same conclusion as the New York Times and Washington Post did… that his material was not carefully researched enough, and therefore not worthy of inclusion in the always reputable, List of X. ;o)

        Like

  18. pegoleg says:

    Spot on. You can tell by the grim intensity on the faces of the entire White House staff how shocked they were that whats-his-name won American Idol.

    Like

  19. This is all entirely plausible and almost certainly the correct version of events. Of course nobody should condone waterboarding, but desperate times etc…. I presume Mr Zuckerberg was also externally rendered to get around any ‘legal issues’?

    Like

  20. Jay says:

    I’m taking notes. Furiously.

    Like

  21. No 1. really tickled me.

    And let me tell you, if a real Navy Seal tickled me, I wouldn’t complain 😉

    Like

  22. Hilarious! I loved the bit about Mark Zuckerberg – really intrusive are the ways of Facebook and its brothers/sisters in Social media.

    Like

I can see you have something to say...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s