10 Reactions To Imminent American Invasion of Texas

Thousands of Texans are preparing to defend the flag of Texas (also known as "American flag for dummies").

Thousands of Texans are preparing to defend the flag of Texas (also known as “the American flag for dummies”).

This summer, the United States military is planning to conduct a large-scale exercise in several Southwestern states – or that’s what they want you to believe. According to some Texan patriots, the U.S. government is actually scheming to invade the entire state of Texas, take away people’s guns, enslave people with Obamacare, and send them to FEMA concentration camps. This may sounds like a conspiracy theory to you, except that the governor of Texas actually ordered the Texas State Guard to monitor the US military exercises to make sure they don’t take over the state, which makes this invasion more real to the State of Texas than, say, global warming. Here are 10 reactions to this invasion/exercise.

1) Greg Abbott, Governor of Texas: “In order to prepare to defend Texas against the looming takeover by the federal government, I have declared a state of emergency and requested 10 billion dollars in disaster aid from the federal government.”

2) Ash Carter, US Secretary of Defense: “It’s possible that the next war will be in the Middle East, and therefore the drills will take place in Texas, because there is no better place to train for a Middle Eastern war than in an oil-rich state ruled by a theocratic regime.”

3) Dick Cheney, former Vice President of the United States: “Few people have as much experience in dragging America into wars as I do, and I am confident more than ever that the war against Texas will be a quick war and we will be greeted as liberators.”

4) Edward Snowden, privacy whistle-blower: “The fact that Texas National Guard will be monitoring the U.S. military is a very depressing sign: if even the military can’t get any privacy within the US, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

5) Texas state police: “We will not be involved in the monitoring, because we’re not equipped or trained to deal with armed white people.”

6) General Raymond Odierno, Chief of Staff of the US Army: “We actually tried to have this training exercise in the Northeast, but too many of our soldiers were getting PTSD just from driving in New England and New York traffic.”

7) Texas State Guard: “We have already began the monitoring the actions of the US military for any signs of unusual activity, and right now what we’re seeing is a bunch of sun-burned camo-wearin’ guys running around with assault rifles. Or, in other words, nothing out of the ordinary for Texas.”

8) George W. Bush, former Texas governor and US President: “I’m grateful to governor Abbott for helping shape my image as the smart governor of Texas”.

9) Association of US Defense Contractors: “According to our analysts, Texas poses a clear and present danger to the United States, and we strongly recommend that the Pentagon immediately order at least $500 billion worth of our latest military hardware to neutralize this threat.”

10) Gallup Research: We have asked the residents of Texas what they think about this situation, and here are the results: 45% responded that they are very concerned about the invasion, 35% responded that they aren’t worried, and 20% responded ‘Lo siente, no hablo Inglés’.”

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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53 Responses to 10 Reactions To Imminent American Invasion of Texas

  1. Paul says:

    Hilarious X. I hear that the US government is going to start the invasion of Texas by hiring Pamela Geller and the American Freedom Defense Initiative (AFDI) to hold contests to find out who draws the best cartoon Mohammed in Texas. Then when the Islamic Fundamentalists start shooting, they are going to invade with the excuse that terrorism is a federal responsibility. I can’t see it happening – after all who would be stupid enough to hold a Mohammed cartoon convention? Bwahahahaha!

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Well, it’s not like terrorists ever need a good reason to attack any particular target like malls, planes, trains, hotels, colleges. But at least we now know they are attracted to the Mohammed cartoon contests, so we could use those contests to catch more terrorists. (The Mohammed cartoon contests have to be good for something, right?).
      So yeah, your plan could totally work.

      Like

  2. Paul’s comment was hilariously dead on. And I fell in love with number #7… X, you produce magnificent material that never ceases to be topical, but always tempered with gut-busting humor! :O)

    Like

  3. I’m flying through Dallas later this year. I’ll pack my passport, because you just never know.

    Like

  4. This is funny until you consider the fact that there are people who actually believe this is going to happen. That takes all the fun out of it. For the record, I’m perfectly willing to support a full-scale takeover of Texas. It’s a shame that this can’t actually happen.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    What do they put in the water Texans drink? This may well be their real thoughts!
    SMH …

    Like

  6. mhasegawa says:

    #3. This time he might actually be right if we invade Austin or San Antonio.

    Like

  7. kstreet607 says:

    Reblogged this on The Fifth Column and commented:
    Love this!

    Like

  8. Carrie Rubin says:

    Ha! Loved #8. I just heard about this. One more thing to make me shake my head as I sip my tea over the morning paper.

    Like

  9. Steve Ruis says:

    This is why I find the Second Amendment crowd stating they need guns to defend their liberty from the guv’mint. Bubba’s Milita going up against the Fifth Cavalry doesn’t seem like much of a contest, my guess is even ESPN wouldn’t cover it.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Maybe ESPN won’t, but give the coverage to Fox and prepare to see the reports of brave patriots constantly beating the government in every battle by strategically retreating again and again and lulling the feds into a sense of complacency before they strike the fatal blow to Obama.

      Like

  10. Steve Ruis says:

    By the way, effing brilliant, but #8 should have been from Rick Perry who presided offer the last such exercise with no fuss.

    Like

  11. goldfish says:

    Nicely done, sir. When I first heard about this “conspiracy,” my eyes accidentally rolled to the back of my head and I had to bang it against a wall to get them to return to their normal frontwise position.

    Like

  12. Elyse says:

    You Zeroed in on this one with drone-like accuracy, X!

    Like

  13. I think we should build that border fence they are always talking about… and then swing it around Texas while we are at it, and leave them on the Mexico side.

    Like

  14. Jim Wheeler says:

    I always try to come up with a #11, X, but you’ve nailed this one perfectly. Well done.

    Like

  15. I apologize, as a Texan I feel the need to apologize for the entire state of idiots. I don’t know what happened. Honestly we didn’t use to be this stupid. We had Anne Richards and we were good. Then that idiot Bush drove the stupid into the us, I think he sent out an all point call to action, if you are a moron come to Texas, join the fight to dumb down the state of Texas. Rick Perry answered the call, he rose to the top of the heap and with a little help from his friends he took on the franchise of ignorance with gusto. Here we are all these years later with the ‘best of the best’, the cream of the crop, the stupidest of the stupidest; Greg Abbott. I ask myself over and over, truly I do. How did we get here? How did this happen to us?

    I am sorry, we are doomed here in Texas and with our doom we spread ignorance as if it were peanut butter on Wonder Bread.

    (#5 & #8)

    Like

    • List of X says:

      You have nothing to apologize for, Val. I’m sure you didn’t vote for any of the last three governors, so it’s not your fault that the Texas governor’s mansion is doing a real-life re-enactment of Dumb and Dumber.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. aFrankAngle says:

    Gotta love GW’s comment! Meanwhile, I say instead of invading Texas, let them leave … then build the wall they been wanting.

    Liked by 1 person

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