10 Reactions To The Supreme Court Decisions On Gay Marriage And Voting Rights Act

United States Supreme Court building.

United States Supreme Court. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This Wednesday, Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), essentially granting married same-sex couples the same federal benefits that were previously available only to heterosexual couples.  The groundbreaking decision followed a much more conservative Tuesday’s ruling that struck down a section of 1965 Voting Rights Act to make it easier for the states to implement election rules that would discriminate against the minorities.  Here are 10 of the reactions to the Supreme Court ruling on these two cases.

1)  Rush Limbaugh, conservative talk show host:  “This is an outrage!  Gays will destroy the sanctity of marriage!  They already destroyed the sanctity of three of my previous marriages!”

2)  Mitt Romney, businessman/former Presidential candidate:  “I am very excited about the Supreme Court’s decision.  As you remember, the Court had previously decided that corporations are people, so I’m looking forward to the day when two corporations will finally be able to get legally married.”

3)  Ted Cruz, Tea Party spokesman:  “We are, of course, disappointed by the decision, but we can still try to limit the proliferation of gay marriage by requiring anyone who applies for a gay marriage license to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound. But, as a good faith compromise, we will require this procedure of only one of the two applicants, while the second applicant will have to undergo a prostate examination.”

4)  Black And Latino LBGT Alliance:  “We’re really in a bind about those mixed signals the Supreme Court is sending us: on one hand, they just made it easier for us to get married, but on the other hand they just made it harder for us to vote.”

5)  Michele Bachmann, Tea Party Congresswoman:  “The gay marriage ban was perfectly constitutional!  It’s the Court’s decision that’s unconstitutional!  Look for yourself!  The Bible CLEARLY says that gay marriage is UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!!

6)  Justice Anthony Kennedy, whose vote made the majority in both cases:  “I have to maintain my swing vote reputation, and therefore after carefully reviewing all the arguments on both cases, I have determined that I would side with the conservative Justices on Voting Rights Act and with liberals on DOMA if the coin comes up heads, and other way around if it comes up tails.”

7)  John Boehner, Speaker of the House: “To strike down a popular legislation that had passed with overwhelming bipartisan majority and has been an established law for decades, is a despicable example of pure, unadulterated judicial activism… Wait, are we talking about the Court striking down DOMA or about the Court striking down the Voting Rights Act?  Oh, Voting Rights… Well, then the Supreme Court was absolutely within its rights.”

8)  Joe Biden, Vice President: (said nothing, but upon hearing the news on DOMA giddily hugged President Obama and engaged him in a long celebratory kiss until he had to be pulled away by the Secret Service agents).

9)  Mike Huckabee, Fox News pundit:  “When he heard this decision, Jesus wept!  Though, honestly, from where I was sitting, it was really hard to see if Jesus was weeping because he was so upset, or because he was so happy…”

10)  National Security Agency:  “Huh? Who where when what now?  Gay marriage was legal??  Sorry, we were really busy monitoring your calls for the Chinese take-out.”

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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53 Responses to 10 Reactions To The Supreme Court Decisions On Gay Marriage And Voting Rights Act

  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    LOL, esp the first two

    Like

  2. Kylie says:

    Love this! (I think you might have an copy/paste issue in the #10 though…)
    Sharing to FB.

    Like

  3. Elyse says:

    Great ending!

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    • List of X says:

      Thank you, though I accidentally included another Bachmann reaction there that I thought I had edited out, and edited it out again. So maybe the ending is not so great anymore…

      Like

      • bernasvibe says:

        Your endings & your writes are always great. And original. Late getting here & trying to get caught up..I’ve still yet to read your last prior to this. WOW you’ve been busy! And my week has been double -busy due to being out of town all last week..But first I always pick a fave on your lists. # 4 of course..Classic indeed.

        Like

        • List of X says:

          Thank you! And don’t worry, you’re not late – whenever you get to read my post is exactly the right time 🙂 I’ve only done two posts this week, which kind of makes up for the last week when I posted nothing.

          Like

          • bernasvibe says:

            Awwww I try , I try..Amazing how time is flying! And seems like I’m saying that more & more as the years fly by..Just said somewhere, or rather wrote, that IF I were rich(which I’ve honestly no desire to be) I’d buy more time..IF that were possible I really would. I’ve got a list of faves on W.P. so long; I can never get to all of them in a week. Timewise..but I always make time to stop by and enjoy my top of the faves list. And you’re so there. 🙂

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            • List of X says:

              Awww… That’s all I could say. 🙂
              And I’m with you on buying the time. I estimated that I need about 40 hours in a day to do all the things I want to do in a day.

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              • bernasvibe says:

                40 hours..Wow..I won’t one up you on that. Lol..I’ll say I need about 30 hours in a day . (and that would include of course time to sleep) If only…but? Who knows; we’d probably still long for more time in a day if by chance we had more than 24 hrs in a day.

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  4. TAE says:

    Excellent.

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  5. Sherry says:

    10 might be uncomfortably true.

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    • List of X says:

      I’m sure it is true. If someone makes a lot of calls to a Chinese restaurant, NSA probably flags this person as someone who is likely spying for the Chinese government.

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  6. These made me laugh out loud, especially #2 and #8.

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  7. I wish we could just skip to the part where it’s legalized. Does anyone anywhere really think that’s not where this is inevitably, inexorably, headed? So let’s just do it, and the objectors can consolidate their years of rage in to one massive, nuclear freak out. It’d all be so efficient.

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    • List of X says:

      A lot of objectors do realize that it’s where it’s heading, but apparently God told them that they should delay the full legalization as much as possible, or they’re not getting into Heaven.

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  8. Hahaha, ah, Mitt, I too look forward to the day two corporations can get married. Well, right now it’s called a merger, but that violates the corporation personhood act, so we really need to get working on this.

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    • List of X says:

      Yes, the fact that two corporations can’t married means that they can’t take advantage of filing taxes jointly or declaring their subsidiaries as dependents. It’s really unfair.

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  9. Man… you are awesome… I am not going to write you a steamy love poem or anything… but still. You know what the irony of this situation is? We got gay marriage on the books… but when it came to all the haters out there,we had to cram it down their throats. It just seems fitting somehow.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you! You don’t have to write any steamy love poems for me, “you are awesome” was more than enough. And by the way, you’re awesome, too – I sometimes wish I could be as open and shameless (in a good way!) as you are. And you wrote a book!! (by the way, when’s the second one coming out?)
      And yes, I forgot about the Proposition 8 decision – but as far as I remember, the haters won in the election; it was the court that overturned it.

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  10. Ape No. 1 says:

    Classic X! Had me cracking up.

    Like

  11. I think Ted and Michelle should marry, or maybe instead they should fight to marry each others spouses, or maybe she could just join the Mormon Church get magic underwear and marry Mitt!

    Loved this list, #10 was the perfect ending.

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    • List of X says:

      If they marry and their marriage doesn’t work out, they could always blame Obama for that.
      And by the way, Michele is already married to a presumed closeted gay man, who was probably secretly happy to hear the news, even though it might interfere with his “pray the gay away” business.

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  12. Upon the announcement of the controversial 5-4 decision from the Roberts Court, kids in all 50 states simultaneously stopped the rigorous, engaging education in which they were partaking, and told their teachers to stick it “up their nose with a rubber hose.” Early reports from major metropolitan areas seem to indicate chaos erupting at noted children’s haunts such as in front of the TV and in front of the computer.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Oh yes, because gay marriage would destroy the world as we know it. And it’s not just the rioting children, but also rising temperatures and sea levels – it’s all because same-sex marriage was legalized.

      Like

  13. The Hook says:

    You had me at #1!
    Well done!

    Like

  14. EagleAye says:

    Love it! I think #5 is my fave. When will that woman just dry up and go away?

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  15. pmahaney says:

    Absolutely correct if not true, and very funny especially number one.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you. Strictly speaking, these reactions are not entirely accurate, but they just might be more accurate than the real reactions we would hear from those people.

      Like

  16. Carrie Rubin says:

    These are great. I love the Joe Biden one. I consider Joe Biden my boyfriend. I love the fact that he can say the most bizarre things due to his verbal diarrhea problem and still get away with it. As a fellow tongue stumbler myself, I love his ability to just shake it off. Ahh, that’s just Joe being Joe…

    Like

    • List of X says:

      I sometimes think of Biden as much nicer, much older, and much smarter Democratic version of Sarah Palin. And because of this niceness factor (or, in other words, not giving off the impression that he’d hunt you from a helicopter if you dare to disagree with him) he can get away with what Palin can’t.

      Like

  17. The Joe Biden thing cracked me up. Seriously, there is something off about that guy. He’s like the cool ass uncle who comes to weddings, gets totally drunk, hits on the bridesmaids, and nobody cares.

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  18. Floyd Perry says:

    What this means in really plain English is the Supreme Court ruling leaves in place the initial trial court declaration that the ban is unconstitutional.

    Like

  19. While Congress has no authority to change the Supreme Court’s original jurisdiction, it does control the Court’s appellate jurisdiction. The basic statutes effective at this time in conferring and controlling jurisdiction of the Supreme Court may be found in 28 U.S.C. 1251, 1253, 1254, 1257-1259, and in various special statutes. Congress also has from time to time conferred upon the Supreme Court power to prescribe rules of procedure to be followed by the lower courts of the United States. Pursuant to these statutes, the Court has promulgated rules governing civil and criminal cases in the district courts, bankruptcy proceedings, admiralty cases, appellate proceedings, and the trial of misdemeanors before U.S. magistrate judges.

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  20. Th’ fuck does this even mean? We don’t know because we are not a lawblawg, we just play one on teevee. We know that it means that it is Justice Kennedy’s world and you just live in it, bitches. We also think it means that we we will do this whole thing again in another two or three years when this case makes its way back up to the Supremes again, as all this decision really does is kick it back down to a lower court with some thinly veiled instructions to fucking get it right this time and do it the Justice Kennedy way. Tune in to yr Wonkette in about 1000 days for updates!

    Like

  21. · The court is the “court of last resort” or the highest court in the Iowa state court system. Its opinions are binding on all other Iowa state courts.

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