Edward Snowden, the famous Booz Allen Hamilton national security contractor turned whistle-blower has been living in the transit zone of a Moscow airport for the last few days. During this time, he has been busy applying for political asylum to nearly every country on the planet, and it hasn’t been going too well. Although Snowden is still waiting to hear back from Narnia, Westeros, and Utopia, many countries have already refused to grant political asylum to him. Here are 10 of the countries that refused to accept Snowden.
1) Russia: the country would not be a welcoming place for a leaker, because Russia’s freezing climate makes any leaking activity practically impossible.
2) Greece: the European Union refused to provide additional bailout money to pay the officials to review and approve Snowden’s asylum application.
3) Vatican: the Roman Catholic Church officially declared that they do not provide asylum to people accused of treason and espionage. However, the Church noted that it would be willing to reconsider its decision if it turns out that Edward Snowden is also a pedophile and a child molester.
4) North Korea: the country won’t be admitting any whistle-blowers, because no one needs to know that North Korean missiles are actually made of cardboard and powered by pushing really hard.
5) Nigeria: the country received a request from someone claiming to be a high-profile international fugitive requiring their urgent assistance for moving into their country and promising generous compensation from his financial backers, and, naturally, deleted Snowden’s message as spam.
6) Mexico: if America doesn’t want their illegal immigrants, Mexican government sure doesn’t want any illegal Americans either.
7) Switzerland: the country is committed to maintaining neutrality in all international matters and will not consider Snowden’s asylum application. However, the Swiss offered their help in hiding Snowden’s $200,000 salary from the US taxes.
8) Saudi Arabia: with Snowden’s pale skin and his propensity for showing his face everywhere, he will most likely get sunburned and/or kidnapped by their American allies.
9) India: why would they need this overpaid American security leaker when they can find five qualified and trained local associates to leak state secrets for half the cost?
10) United States: due to Snowden’s treason and espionage against the US, he could never be granted political asylum by the United States government. However, Booz Allen has a shortage of qualified national security contractors, and would be willing to offer Mr. Snowden a temporary work visa.