During this week’s multilateral diplomatic talks between United States, Iran, France, Germany, United Kingdom, China, and Russia, the countries have reached an agreement partially suspending Iran’s nuclear weapons program in exchange for easing the sanctions against Iran. Here are 10 of the provisions in the deal.
1) United States has agreed to provide $7 billion in economic sanctions relief to Iran in unmarked, non-sequential bills.
2) Iran agreed to suspend its uranium enriched program and get rid of the enriched uranium they have accumulated so far. (North Korea has already volunteered to help Iran meet this requirement.)
3) United States agreed to enter good faith negotiations with E! TV channel on suspending Keeping Up With The Kardashians program, and stopping the enrichment of that annoying family.
4) Iran has agreed to allow international monitors to visit all its nuclear facilities, in exchange for NSA’s promise to stop tracking the porn sites that Iranian leaders visit.
5) United States agreed to exempt Iran from the Obamacare requirements.
6) Iran agreed to to stop calling for destruction of Israel and finally recognize the Holocaust as a real historical event. However, in a sensible compromise, Iranians will only have to acknowledge 6,000 Jewish deaths happening during the Holocaust.
7) United States agreed to dismiss the patent infringement lawsuit by Apple Corporation, alleging that Iran violated Apple’s patent on all names starting with the letter “i”.
8) Iran agreed to stop referring to the United States as “Great American Satan that Must Be Destroyed” and start referring to the US as “Best Friend Forever (Who Still Must Be Destroyed)”.
9) China has agreed to call off its territorial claims on Iranian lands, at least until they firmly establish their control over such traditionally Chinese territories as Taiwan, Japan, and the Philippines.
10) Russia agreed that next time they are invited to participate in multilateral talks, they will postpone having their celebratory drinks until after the agreement is signed, and will not demand that the terms of the agreement are determined by whoever wins the karaoke contest.